One promise for 2016.

It's a new year in 3 days.
Usually, I'm excited about this time because it means I can "start over" with a brand new year.
I've changed my mind about that.


First of all; I'm a visual thinker, so I see the year as 2 columns that run diagonally next to each other, January/June in the first one, and July-December in the second one. I see weeks (monday-sunday) as a capital D, only it's reversed. The days all have different colors too. Monday is white, Tuesday is grey, wednesday is yellow/orange, thursday is grey, friday is green, saturday is red and sunday is black. The hours of the day look like a mountain, it's uphill until noon, but after that it's downhill until midnight when it starts moving uphill again.

So when I need to let something go, I visualize it behind my back. I put it in an imaginary storage and I lock it up with the biggest lock, thinking I can just leave it there. This rarely works. As soon a a thought pops up in my head that I have locked up, I panic a little and I put it back in the storage.

This is also the reason why I have always loved when a new year begins, because that means starting over. I used to believe that with a new year or month, I get that closure and I can forget everything in that storage once and for all. Although, there's a big problem with this. What happens when I start over and the thoughts or feelings I've put behind me from the past year start haunting me? I get disappointed. It's the same with new years resolutions that I stopped making years ago.

So this year, I won't start over. I won't leave anything behind, I won't lock up any thoughts, feelings or people in my storage. Because locking them up means keeping them, that's the whole thing! If I just keep feeling and thinking, keep it around me, everything will be processed in its own time and it will leave me when I'm ready to let it go.

What I will do though, that I promise myself, is to talk to the mirror every day. Affirmations is the simplest thing to do, yet not a lot of people believe in the power of them. I am one of those who do, and I will talk to myself and give myself pep talks every morning.
Because the thing that affirmations do, is that they change the way you see yourself. To look at yourself with kindness and love, and to believe in yourself is crucial in order to be happy. We all encourage the people we love to be great and we know they have it in them, so we give advice, support and lovebomb them when they are feeling down. Talking to the mirror is doing the exact same thing, only..it's giving yourself the same support.

The new year is coming, but this time I'll just keep moving towards personal growth. I won't let 2015 go, because all the years that have passed since 1985 has taken me to this point and I can't change a thing. I don't need closures, because closures means more or less forcing yourself to let go. Let go when you're ready. Life is not made up by days or years, it's just..a timeline. One timeline.

My only promise to myself from now on, is to make sure that I put myself and my wellbeing first during my timeline. Not because I'm selfish, but the exact opposite. It's when you feel amazing that you can be supportive and love unconditionally. I want to be able to give that to the people I care about, so I promise myself to support myself every single day.


Instead of Happy New Year, I wish you all a happy continuos moving forward on your timeline.

What a difference

It's such an amazing morning. I meditated, and I did it with a purpose again, which I haven't in more than 2 months. I've done yoga 3 mornings in a row, and I have filled my fridge with juices, veggies and fruit.

I'm listening to Iration, drinking coffee, and preparing to hit the gym.
I have found my way back to motivation. I remember this feeling, but I haven't felt it in forever and I can't even explain how excited I am about my future at this moment!

I've gone through a really messed up thing these last couple of weeks, where I was thrown into a surreal situation that I just had to solve immediately. It was the ultimate explanation for my behavior and the feelings that I've been having lately that I don't recognize.
Even though I share a lot in this blog there are certain things that I will never ever share, I respect my privacy, and I hope that you all do too.

What's important here is that with the right tools, you can find your way back to yourself. I was on a path where I dropped everything and just let the negative spiral drag me along. To hell with that!
I feel like a new person now. Today especially. You know when you feel like nothings really changed but your attitude towards life, and suddenly all you see are all your blessings? It's the best feeling in the world, because it means you don't need external items or people to feel happy when you've been far down, because it's always about your attitude.

I'm so happy that I'm able to use the hardships I go through as very important tools in life. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, like everyone does at times, but I always manage to feel gratitude for the experience when I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of blaming situations and say "I am like this and like that, because of what happened to me and I can't change that" and feel sorry for yourself all the time, use the same situation and say "Fuck yes, I'm so grateful that it happened to me and it made me realize that I can live through it and it made me stronger".

I look forward to my future journey, and I keep planning for the upcoming week instead of planning an entire year like others usually do. Nothing ever turns out exactly the way we plan, so just go with the flow. Let whatever happens to you happen to you.

My future week will be spent in Amsterdam with 2 of my best friends, and that's all the planning I need to do right now. I'm finishing this year with my head held high, and 2016: just bring it.

What happened?

I'm not blogging.

That's the topic for this entire post.


I started writing when I was a kid. I wrote stories about grocery stores that magically disappeared and ended up in the middle of forests where kids like myself lived, since they had run away from their home. I made up song lyrics that I happily sang to my parents when I was 4-6 ish. I kept a diary for 7 years from 10-17. I wrote novels in school, I wrote novels at home before I went to bed, and I loved it. I have always loved writing, and the ultimate dream is to become a writer, for real. To finish that book I've been bragging about that I started writing but never finish.


This blog has been my sacred place. I write when my heart is heavy, or when I feel inspired, or when I learn something that I want to share with you all.

But. I'm not blogging now.


The changes I've been going through these last 3 months should have had me writing every single day! Why did I lose it?
It's not the only thing I've lost though.
I've lost the urge to do yoga every morning. I've lost the urge to run, to meditate, to read, to plan my future, and to write.

I spent my Saturday night crying my eyes out. I thought about the person I was in Santa Barbara vs the person I am now with the sad eyes, and I think that 3 months after I sat foot in Sweden again, I finally realized what happened. I left. I'm not going back.

Everything happened so fast since I got back, new apartment, new city and a job within 4 weeks.
I'm not saying that I regret moving back home, I just think I repressed it a little all this time because I wanted this move to be as good as it possibly could.
It's not an easy thing to do you know, to switch environment after 4 years. Especially when it's Santa Barbara which is the most beautiful place in the entire world, filled with the most positive and inspiring people I've ever met.

I'm writing this post now.

I realized that I'm losing what is me. I love writing, I love my yoga, I love meditation, I love reading all the books I have bought about the meaning of life and the power of our thoughts, and I'm proud over all the hours I gladly spend at the gym. Those things have been a big part of my life and I can't lose them because that would mean losing Malena. It's up to me to stay true to myself and what I believe in. I'm me, wether I'm in Santa Barbara or Stockholm or anywhere else in the world.

Sometimes you need to push yourself a little in order to remind yourself of what you love and why you are doing certain things. You love the things you love because they represent you and your core beliefs. Stay true to that. I will.

positivity as the main ingredient

People keep asking me if I miss California.

Obviously, yes. 

Although, I don't miss it anywhere near the extent that I thought I would. I love living in Stockholm. I love love love my little apartment. I'm staying busy, and time flies. I'm still very much adapting to the new job and I'm noticing that I've lost a lot of what I've always preached. 

I've been writing about the harm of stress many times before, and I'm almost ashamed right now about how much stress I've allowed into my life. My teeth and my jaws have been sore because of all the gnashing of teeth. My body has literally been shaking from time to time out of stress. I've been way too emotional and I've felt extremely weak.

I allowed stress to completely take over. I stopped meditating when I needed it more then ever before, and I stopped doing my yoga practice because at the time I actually believed that yoga and meditation was bullshit. That's how bad it was.

I'm back on my yoga mat. I'm meditating before I go to bed, and I sit in lotus position every morning for at least 10 min. I try to focus on the positive things in life, because the reason why stress took over was simply because I focused on negativity. It's so important to put energy into focusing on the right things. What's hard though is to turn the focus when you're far down the line. It's soooo easy to focus on positivity when everything is pretty good in life. It's 1000 times harder when you're spiraling downwards. 

I am one of the luckiest people I know. I'm surrounded by people I love being around, I have my own place where I feel super comfortable, I have my entire family living in Stockholm now, I'm healthy, I'm loved, and I'm home where I know I belong.

I'm using the cliche; "I'm too blessed to be stressed". 

Every experience adds to being able to appreciate life more. If you have been super far down, it leads to being able to experience higher highs. Because I believe it goes both ways. The trick is to focus on the good, and to work towards staying at that high. 

There's no such thing as being too positive. I don't believe you need to be harsh in order to try to teach others something. I believe in lifting others, and doing that by bringing positivity into their lives. Who doesn't want positivity? Who doesn't want people smiling at them? A team, a relationship, a friendship, everything in life needs positivity as the main ingredient. 

I'm pouring a glass of red wine now. I'm gonna write a gratitude list and I'm crossing my fingers that the nausea and freezing will be gone tomorrow.

Focus on the right things people. 

Love. 

Then, and now.

I can't even remember how long its been since I blogged! I'm so sorry. A lot of things have happened since I wrote last time..I was unemployed and didn't have my own place, I was frustrated and I was restless. BUT:

I bought my apartment on Mariaberget in Stockholm 3 weeks ago and I'm moving in in a week. I can't wait, because now I'm forced to commute since I got a great job as project manager at a really cool action marketing agency in Stockholm! And even though it's just a 55 min train ride from my hometown it's still rough. I wake up at 5 am and get home at 7 pm ish..

About a week ago I took a walk during my lunch break and I sat down in this park close to where I work. For some reason I started thinking about where I was 6 months ago, and suddenly I remembered how I felt about everything. How I felt about moving back to Sweden, about what kind of job I wanted, about where in Stockholm I wanted to live and so on.
As I was sitting in that park I just got some sort of awakening, and it hit me that I was actually starting to settle in, and that everything I was stressing about back then was solved..and that I'm really happy.

I was so indecisive 6 months ago. It was a constant battle in my head. One day I wanted to stay in California and live the simple hippie style life forever, and the other I wanted to move back home and settle down. I was sick of being in school but I was terrified about start working again too. I was scared of turning into the person I was in Sweden before I moved when I was 26, if I decided to move back. I was equally scared of ending up alone if I stayed in California, without close friends and my supporting family.

All that is dead and gone now. I haven't felt regret even once since I bought my place and got this job. I'm right where I want to be. I will always miss Santa Barbara, but I needed to leave in order to move forward. I am ready for whatever this new life has to offer. I'm already super challenged by my job, and I know that this experience will turn me into an incredibly strong individual. In this field, you need to have some balls and stand up for yourself, and I am more than up for the challenge.

I made the choice, and I chose Sweden.

Badass

Sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for myself. When I do, I look myself in the mirror and say you're a badass and you can do anything.

I will never allow myself to loose hope and faith in what I want.

I am such an impatient person, it's ridiculous. When I started driving before I got my license, I was so upset with the car, not with myself because I couldn't drive stick flawlessly the first day, nope, it was a the car's fault. When I started doing yoga a couple years ago, I was frustrated because I couldn't get all the poses right immediately. Same thing when I started running, I expected to be able to run 10K the first time, and when I couldn't I was angry with the shoes. When I walk behind people who walk slow, I can't stand it and I have to pass them even though I'm not in a hurry what so ever. 

I need a purpose. I need something to do in order to get out of bed in the morning. I bet people who graduate after 4 years of hard, stressful work likes the time off to recharge but not me. I am seriously going crazy. I expected to have a job lined up as I got home. 

What is starting to happen after about 2,5 weeks in Sweden without anything to do, is that I'm slipping. I find myself, like I said, feeling sorry for myself, and I start loosing faith in myself, which scares the living hell out of me. I can't ever let that happen because I have always been so secure when it comes to confidence in the workplace. I know that I'm awesome, and that I will get a great job with an awesome salary, and that has been my mindset my entire life. So I can't slip. I can't loose the only thing I know I'm good at, which is working. 

I am extremely driven, and the worst overachiever you will ever meet when it comes to exceeding expectations. I need to work. I need it. 

Don't think I'm not on it every single day, looking and applying for jobs on all kinds of sites, I am. I'm not slacking. The purpose is to find the perfect job for me, and that's my motivation to get out of bed in the mornings now. I'm just impatient..sooo impatient. 

Plus, I'm staying strong for the people I love most, and I won't ever slip here either. I am strong, and I am sharing my strength to the very extent possible. 

Be the person you want to be with

I have dated quite a lot these past 5 years that I've been single, and I have lived in California 4 of these years. This means dating swedish guys when I've been home during the summer or winter, and dating Americans while I have been in school.

Looking back at this time, I realize that I haven't been either available or ready to find the person I want to settle down with. I have qualities that I look for in a guy, such as stable, driven, social, and the most important one knowing what they want. BUT. The big BIG but, I haven't been all those things. Seriously, look at the way I have been acting! I haven't had a clue what I have wanted. I haven't been stable either. Driven and social, yes, but not the other huge qualities that I value so much in others. 

Realizing this has made me long for stability. I want to find an apartment now, a place to call my own, I want a full time job, I want routines, I want to be grounded. I want to stabilize myself. I don't want to run anymore. Ever. I want to face challenges and commit. 

How can I have ever thought that I would find someone who fits in to my description of perfect partner when I haven't been reflecting that back? This really is huge for me to realize, because it is so true. For all of us. We need to be the person we want to be with. We need to be trustworthy, loving, non suspicious, kind, open, stable, and we need to know what we want.

I am 30. I just finished my education, and I have always kinda known that I wouldn't meet anyone while I was in school because there's just too much to focus on and there are no real routines. Plus, I've been studying in the U.S., so the odds of meeting someone here and actually make it work have been small, but I have still had my hopes. 

I know now why I haven't felt like any of the guys I have been dating have been able to fit into my description 100%. It's because I have been seeing my own flaws reflected in them.

With that said, I will focus 100% on myself. I am becoming the person I want to be with, and when it all comes down to it, even if I never meet the perfect guy for me, that is all I really need because our relationship with ourselves is the single most important one we will ever have in life. 

Brutally honest

I'm sitting by my sisters kitchen table again, like I've done so many times before but this time it's different because I'm completely filled with anxiety.
This fall is nothing like I thought it would be.

I have been home for 5 days, and I am applying for a few jobs here but I'm not putting any soul into it, because I have a job offer waiting for me in Santa Barbara, plus a skype talk with a very influential man down in San Diego tonight.

Truth is though, I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm so confused and emotional and I don't recognize myself at all. I always knew that this transition would be tough, but I thought I was gonna stay here and not even think about going back to California, but since I got that offer I applied for my work visa with just 2 weeks left in the country and the visa won't get approved until December.
If I only knew what I should do, things would be so much easier because I would be able to put my heart and soul into focusing on that path. Right now it's just a rollercoaster of all kinds of different emotions. I want one thing one hour and the other thing the next.

People I have told this to tell me to just relax, since I haven't even been home a week yet, but I need a plan. I need something to focus everything on, I can't keep doing this because I don't like the way I am when I am indecisive.
I have suffered from anxiety in the past and all this is too much for me to handle so I am really struggling right now. It's hard to admit because I like to see myself as a strong, driven individual, but I am going through a rough time, and the anxiety is filling me up.

I know that everything will work out eventually, and I know that I have to think positive thoughts and all that, but now I need to just feel..sad. I need to be able to feel super sad about everything now. And that's ok. Because we can't all walk around and be happy or pretend to be happy all the time.

I am lost, I am crying a lot, and I feel empty. And that's just the way it is.

Who are my people?

I'm at LAX right now, eating chicken and rice, and preparing to take off in about 2,5 hours. I am excited to come home and see everyone but it's a really strange feeling.

I got in line to check in my bags and I didn't even have to look for the sign that said norwegian, because I could spot all the swedes from miles away. I got in line and I immediately felt that these are not my people. Not anymore. Obviously I will always be Swedish and I love Sweden to death but as I was looking at the tall blonde-ish guys in jeans shorts, and all the females who look kind of angry in Victoria Secret sweatpants that they bought here, I just thought to myself "where are all the super chill guys with hats in board shorts and the smiling girls in yoga pants". I think they are my people now.

I'm gonna give Sweden a serious shot, I really am, but being here changed me. Or no, not changed me, it just made me realize where I feel a sense of belonging.

I have always had the mindset that I can do anything and I believe in myself. That mindset is accepted here but not as much in Sweden. Swedes are logical people who tell me to think "realistically". Although, nothing in my life these past 4 years have fallen under the term realistic. Things happen here that you can only dream of in Sweden. Opportunities here are AMAZING.

I'm going home, I will find a job, I will live a swedish life but I know that I will leave my heart here, in California.

After this 11 hour something flight, my positive dad will pick me up and we will discuss my future and he will inspire me as always, then I'll be home and I will grab lunch with my encouraging mom who I know will support me in whatever I want to do.



I LOVE YOU CALIFORNIA.

Leap of faith

This spring, I thought I had my entire life figured out. I knew what I "had to do" and I was gonna do it. Things happened that felt right and that supported my decision. I was excited, I really was..

6 months later, I might be more confused than I've ever been in my entire life, although I am happier than I've been in a long time. An opportunity has opened up that will for sure lead me towards doing what I am truly passionate about, something that wouldn't even feel like work for me, but as doing what I love, which is to inspire positive change. 

My dream is to run my own company. I'm working on my first book that I want to publish, and I have this visualization about speaking in front of and inspiring thousands of people. I know exactly within what field, and I know what it is that I want to accomplish but obviously I cannot write that in my blog. 

Somehow I have always known that I was meant to do something big. I have known that since I was a little kid. The things that are happening to me right now are huge and they need to happen in order for me to continue working towards my goal. These things need to happen, and once again in life, I'm forced to take a leap of faith. 

I'm sorry for writing so vaguely about all this, I will be more specific in later posts I promise. I just felt a need to write about it to clear my head and realize that I need to stick to the path, because like all other humans I'm tempted to take the easy way out and do what is easy and comfortable, BUT I will follow my life's motto; Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. 

I would be crazy to not accept this opportunity! It's just that it scares me, but that is a good thing, because if life doesn't scare us sometimes we're not being challenged enough.

Ok, time to pack some more. See you in 3 days Sweden!

Gratitude.

I woke up this morning and felt a bit low, since my reality and everyday life these last years as a student is about to change. Although, as I started my morning I quickly switched from that to feeling an incredible amount of gratitude. All over the news and through my facebook feed, I'm reminded that 9/11 happened 14 ago. Tears fill my eyes and I feel so much love for my family and my friends. Gratitude for having them in my life fills my entire body.

I also spent some time reading Fabian Bohlins blog, who is a 28 year old Swede who is battling leukemia. I have been following his journey like so many others, and the gratitude for having a healthy body adds to my already existing gratitude. He is a great inspiration, and I am grateful for the fact that he writes me back when I write him. He is a beautiful person inside out.

The refugee crisis in Europe keeps getting worse, and the gratitude for having a home, food available, and a bed adds so much more.

As I write this, I almost feel guilty for taking things for granted. We all do that more or less. I was lucky enough to be born in an amazing country, being raised by loving supportive parents and a childhood where I had everything I ever needed.
My family is happy and healthy. I am happy and healthy. That is all that really matters.

I want to encourage everyone to stop for a moment today and just appreciate everything and everyone you have in your life. Yes everyone is struggling with things, large or small, and it's ok to struggle but it is so important to appreciate all the good things. Sometimes we let our problems take over and we allow ourselves to have bad days or even bad weeks or months. Fact is, we are alive and life itself is an amazing thing.
We are able to breathe without having terrible chest pain. We are able to walk without being scared that our next step will lead us to a country border who will refuse our entry.


Did you all know that when you feel gratitude, your heart's energy expands your existing energy field? It actually radiates a positive energy that is contagious.

I also want to tell everyone in my life how much I appreciate you. Even if we haven't spoken for a long time or haven't seen each other in a while, I want you all to know how much I appreciate your existence and that you have without a doubt taught me things that have been important for me, because every person you meet will teach you something.

It might sound silly, but I want everyone who reads this to smile at strangers today. At least 5. I always do that when I need a switch in mood. When I smile at someone I don't know and they smile back, it makes my entire day. I assure you that it makes their day as well.

Let's make this day, 9/11, a day filled with gratitude and love.

Last day at Antioch University

I came to the U.S. on January 4th 2012. I didn't know a soul in Santa Barbara. Wow, everything that's happened since that day is just..waaay too much to even start addressing.

Now that I'm so close to the end, it has pretty much forced me to think back on all the memories I have from these 3 years and 9 months. What most people might not know is that I was only supposed to stay for 5 months and try the experience, then go back to my life in Sweden. I ended up wanting to get my marketing certificate, after that I thought I could at least get my AA, and after that I decided to get my BA. Double Bachelor's Degrees in Business/Entrepreneurship and Marketing.

Here I am now,about to walk to Antioch for the last day of classes ever. Ever. 

I have finished my education in the United States. It's been a journey of no other kind, and I've met so many people that have either inspired me, supported me or taught me something. Friends that I've made are not friends anymore, and I've had acquaintances who very quickly turned in to friends. Teachers that have motivated me, (fooled me), kept me on track, and forced me to learn new things. 

My time at City College and Antioch University could be turned in to a reality show of no other kind. 

I have debated moving back to Sweden 3 times, I have thought I would do it every single time, but something major always happens that makes me stay. I watched a documentary the other day that's called "the power of the heart", and Paulo Coelho said that when you resist or doubt your life's real purpose, life will push you back 3-4 times in order for you to understand what you need to do. Let's see what life has to say this time. I already know what SB has to offer me and even though that is huge, I need to see what Stockholm has to offer me in order for me to want to stay there.

I am closing the book of being a student in Santa Barbara, and I am opening up a completely blank chapter. I still don't know where I will be when 2016 starts, all I know is that I am going home in 6 days. HOME. I need it so bad, because I haven't felt like myself lately. I allowed myself to let go of emotions and just go with everything. I have been buried in school work, seeing people, drinking too much wine, said things I haven't meant, and all because I turned into some sort of robot.

Things do happen for a reason though, and yesterday night while I was out with a bunch of Antioch people, something happened inside of me and I just felt this urge for grounding myself back home in Sweden. At least for a while, right..

The wild horse in me keeps on running.

I wish I knew exactly what I need. 

Wow, As I wrote that sentence I know that I already know. 

To be continued then..

The purpose

I started meditating about two years ago, and I have done it on a daily basis since. It has helped me a lot, with regulating emotions and not act on impulse. It creates a space between the feeling that arise and the action you chose to take.

What I didn't do until this quarter was to ad a purpose to my meditation. WHY am I doing it? Sure, I knew I did it to reduce stress, for it to calm me down, and because it made me feel super good every morning as I got out of the meditation practice. These 10 weeks though, I've added a real purpose to why I sit down every morning for 15 minutes. I know exactly what my goal is, and I repeat it to myself as I meditate.

I am well aware that a lot of people don't believe in meditation, but I can only speak for myself and the fact that my eyes actually teared up in class yesterday when we talked about the changes we have seen in our selves throughout this quarter. They are HUGE. My teacher shared my tears and she told me that I am a completely new person now then the one I was in the beginning of the quarter. She says I'm a huge bowl of sunshine now, and that she saw the worrying and the stress I was carrying around in the beginning of the quarter.

It's so important to listen to your gut. Because you always always always know when something is right for you or not. I chose to not listen to my gut, and I allowed my brain (and the norms of society) to take over. Fortunately for me, life happened and it reminded me of what I have to do and apparently it turned me in to a glowing person filled with positivity.


I am leaving Santa Barbara next Thursday. These four years changed my life in every way possible.  I have set a real purpose, I know exactly what I want to do and achieve, and I'm completely open to everything life has to offer me at this point.

Be your own best friend

Today in my mindfulness class, we did a guided meditation and I met myself. This sounds so weird and super crazy to people who don't believe in spirituality, but I met myself. It was like seeing myself from the outside for the very first time, and I walked right up to myself and gave me the biggest hug, and told myself, I love you. I hugged myself and held myself for a minute or so. Freaky, I know.

Today is the very last day of my "twenty something" days. Looking back on these 10 years since I turned 20 has been a blast today. I've learned amazing lessons in life! I have done so much! All the countries I've seen, all the people I've met, all the let downs, the love, the craziness, the jobs I've had, the studying...
Plus, I am extremely grounded in myself now. I know all my qualities and all my flaws. I wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes, and that's a part of me.
I have complained about my flaws a lot and I have been wanting to change myself in some areas, but today as I was sitting in class, I was just like..I need to just accept every single thing about myself, just as much as I need to accept every single thing about other people. That is the only way. Because truth is; everyone has flaws. E v e r y o n e.

I need to understand that not everyone will get me. I don't get everyone. I get surprised still when I discover sides that I never would have thought existed in people I know, but that's ok.  I'm not the one to judge because I'm clearly not perfect either. Things happen for a reason, and I have become an expert on connecting the dots in my life that has led me to making choices. It's super fascinating.

I'm the type of person that get really excited when I learn new things, and how you can grow as a human being. I want to share it with everyone, but not everyone will be as inspired or believe in the things I believe in. I have found that to be frustrating in the past, because to me, it seems so boring to live a life where you don't believe in anything.

I have discovered now though, that all I need to do is focus on myself. I'm grateful for my beliefs, and I'm so so so happy to be me. My main goal in life is to be happy like everyone else. To love and accept myself completely. Because, when you really think about it, all you have is yourself. Even if you are in a relationship, you still need to be completely grounded, independent, and accepting of the person you really are. Because another person can never complete you. You complete you, another person can lift you, but not complete you.

As I close the chapter of twenty something, I couldn't be happier. I've learned lessons up until this very last day, and I look forward to the next chapter in life, because I plan to live it with tons of compassion for others, but most importantly; with compassion for myself. I am my own best friend.

Happy last day as a twenty something to me!

Sweet uncertainty

My favorite class this quarter is without a doubt my mindfulness class. Since we start and end the class with meditation, I'm in a state of being completely open and able to take all the information in, and it is incredibly though-provacitive.

I find myself questioning things I've believed in the past, and it is really fascinating. I'm actually really grateful for the fact that I'm not small-minded, I have always been able to absorb and take in new views on life. I see my mind as an open space that collects inspiration and wisdom and I will continue my entire life.



We discussed uncertainty yesterday, and my teacher asked if anyone in the class is completely comfortable with uncertainty. He said it's really scary for a lot of people, and most of us seek some form of validation even though we know that nothing in life is certain.

I had to throw in a comment because I have a way of coping with it. Instead of seeing the unknown as something scary and plant scenarios I know nothing about, I have started to change my view. I told the class that I feel excited instead. I have no idea what I will do in Sweden for example, where I'll live, what kind of job I'll get, what new people I will meet, but that's not scary it's insanely exciting! I don't even know what I will do this afternoon, and literally anything can happen. One girl in the class just sat with an open mouth and said; "I have never thought of it that way in my entire life".

Basically everything in life comes from within, because your perception decide how you deal with what life gives you. It's your mind, your thoughts, and you are in charge. My teacher told us that when anxiety comes along for example, you need to notice it right away, visualize yourself looking at it outside of your body and just tell it "You're not in control of me, I am".

I have a very strong belief that our minds are our greatest asset but also our most hostile enemy if we don't use it right, and that can scare the hell out of me. I think of the amazing capacity of our minds and how much potential that lies in every single human being, but how so many people live their lives on autopilot and stay in a small-minded "I know everything already" state of mind their entire lives because they don't understand the astonishing power of our mind.

I want to see the world as a beautiful place, so I will focus on staying excited about uncertainty instead of trying to find validation and certainty. Because I can rely on my own capacity of feeling happy and excited, but I can never rely on validation because one of the greatest truth in life is that nothing can be taken for granted.

How proud are you of being busy?

Walking home from Roco today, after having a very good talk and catchup with my friend Kirstine, I started thinking about the fact that nowadays, people seem to be proud of (and kind of bragging about) being really busy.

It's seen as something prestigious and something you ought to be proud of. Because if you are super busy, it means you have a purpose in life, and you work hard. We have this imprint in our heads that hard work pays off. I'm here to challenge this and say that yes, hard work pays off..maybe in form of a higher salary, more responsibility, but more stress that causes you to not sleep, in form of burnout, disease, exhaustion and a loss of character.

Agree? Maybe not, but that's how I see it.

I can be really deep, and I have thought about the meaning of life since I was a kid. What's the meaning with all this when I'm gonna die one day anyways? Eat, sleep, stress, work? I don't think so.
The ones who truly know me have know that I am a dreamer, and I believe in big BIG things. I believe in the possibility of life long love filled with passion, fun, laughter, attraction, energy. I believe in having a job that has purpose, that gives you energy instead of draining you. I believe in inspiring others to challenge themselves and continually grow as human beings. I believe you can change. I believe that if there's a will there's a way. I believe in true purpose. I believe in looking into the eyes of someone you love and be in that moment without thinking about what you need to do in the morning. I believe in being happy, truly and fully. I believe in standing up for how I feel in every situation.

You think I'm naive? Maybe. But it's the way I chose to give my life purpose, by believing in these, and by constantly work for them, and above all else; work on myself.

By staying really busy, taking on way too much responsibility, trying to prove you can do everything, showing the world that your life has purpose because you are needed, might cause you to loose the things that has true purpose.

This might sound silly to some people, but one of the meanings of true purpose for me is to take moments each day and appreciate, and to discover things. I am in my own world when I am walking around town for example. I never see friends waving at me because I see squirrels in trees, ants on the ground,  a really old couple walking hand in hand, clouds that has a shape of something, or a big red balloon across the street.

I want to make the most of my time, and not look back on my life if I grow to be old, thinking about how stressed I was, or how I missed my kids important soccer game because I had to work at a job I didn't like, or be too tired to ask how my future husbands day was and be able to truly engage, or how I lost valuable sleep that keeps me sane because I worry about all the things I have to do. I want purpose, and I want to be able to have the energy it takes to appreciate what matters most to me.

Think that I'm crazy if you want, but this is what I think I need, in order to not loose my sometimes complex mind. Because I love my mind even if it's my worst enemy sometimes.

I am in a really busy period in my life right now and have been struggling to calm my mind, but now I'm just basically telling it to shut up. I won't let stress ruin my last months here. I just won't. So I keep my eyes open, a smile on my face, and I keep acknowledging the bugs that walk next to me on the sidewalk.

I say stop glorifying being crazy busy. Start glorifying living a life filled with whatever true purpose means to you. 

Something new

I know I have been talking a lot about how much I will miss this place, BUT, there is an important but involved. I made a choice, and it was mine. I made the decision to move back to Sweden because my future is there, and because I know that that's where I am the best version of me, where I'm close to family, and where I have always known I want to live when I settle down.

I can't wait to see fall emerge and wear knitted big sweaters and see all the colors change in Sweden.
I am so excited to see the first snow fall for the first time in 4 years.
I'm excited about what kind of job I will get.
I love the fact that I will get to visit my niece and nephew whenever I want.

I can't wait to just be...swedish.

It's important to keep in mind right now (for myself, but also for the people I care about) that I am going through a transitioning phase. I have lived here for almost 4 years, and right now I'm applying for jobs back home, I have tons of work to do in school, I don't know where I'll be able to find an apartment in Stockholm, I will have to say goodbye to people here soon that I don't know if I'll ever see again in my life, so I am sorry if I'm a bit emotional and can't be on top and the happy me all the time.
I know that everything will be just fine, and I can't wait until everything is settled and I get to live my own life, with a job, my own interests and routines.

Just bare with me.

I'm coming home because I want to come home.

Memory lane - Tiesto

In February 2013, I got an offer to come to Fresno the day after and be Tiesto's personal bartender backstage.
What do you say to that? YES!

I e-mailed my teachers saying I had to go out of town, packed a bag and hoped on a train, and traveled for about 7 hours until I got to Fresno. I honestly had no idea what to expect, what the venue looked like, who was gonna be there etc. But if there's something that California has taught me, it's to be a yes-sayer.

I got there, and I talked to the 2 guys I knew a little from before, started setting up Tiesto's lounge (he wanted rose petals all over the place) Then I got all the alcohol and I set up the whole thing, before Tiesto, Alvaro and Quantino showed up with their "crew". I was the only girl in the room with about 12 guys, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, because I am way more comfortable being social and comfortable with guys then with girls. So I poured jager and made drinks, and partied with them before they got on stage one at a time.

The after party lasted until like 5 am, and the train ride home the morning after was the longest one of my life, but it was totally worth it. It was a really fun experience and a memory I'll carry for life.
Having deep talk with one of the worlds greatest DJ's, giving him advice about love at 4 am, is not something you get to do every day.


-


This weekend, I'll be working at the french film festival, so I strongly suggest everyone who's up for some awesome french movies to stop by!

Life in California

Meditation. Yoga. Coffee. Drive down Cliff drive with the sun in my eyes to the gym, loud music. Workout. Smiles from people. Drive home, watch the ocean, loud music. Shower, really feel the water on my skin. Oatmeal, banana, blueberries, applesauce, coconut milk (best. thing. ever.) Get dressed, wear whatever you want, because this is California, no one will ever judge you. Walk across the SBCC campus, watch the amazing view, go to school. Finish early? Walk to the beach. Feel the sand between my toes. Listen to and watch the ocean. PEACEFUL. Walk home. Sit on the couch with a glass of wine. Talk to roommates. Laugh. Talk about memories, and all the people we have met and been forced to say goodbye to. 

I am leaving in 2 months.

2 months.

What am I gonna do without these days?

This is my only reality, the only place I feel safe, where I know my identity, and where I have started to make a name for myself. Networked. Worked my ass off. I am a part of the community.

I am leaving in 2 months.

I will blog about memories these last couple of months. Remember the most important people I have met, and the most valuable moments.

I love you California. 

Chains of the past.

“So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it.” 

To what extent do you allow yourself to let your past run (or ruin) your life?

Our past can never be changed, but the way you chose to blame your current situation on your past can. 

Your past doesn't define who you are, the past defines what has happened to you, but what defines YOU is the way you chose to look at your past, the outcomes of it and the way you act NOW. 

To be brutally honest, I have had tears running down my face, talked about and blamed past experiences for ruining me. For ruining my trust. 

But. BUT, I was the one who allowed it to ruin me and  I have the ability to change that. Nothing in my past will change, wether I chose to look back and blame, or if I look back and feel gratitude for all the let downs, because they taught me tremendous amounts of life lessons. 

I have become so extremely aware of how I react, how I use my defense mechanisms, how I feel in certain situations etc. I react, I act, and I learn something.

When I have done things on impulse (that I usually regret) too many times, I know that I'll never act that way again. 

You can change your pattern when you become that aware of your behavior, I know you can. Think about the person you want to be; Do you want to be scared? Or are you willing to take risks and get everything you ever wanted out of life?

The patterns in us that we follow on auto pilot, is usually created from past experiences. 

If you opened up completely and told someone your life story and they ended up hurting you brutally, you might not want to open up to the next person who comes along, who could be someone who truly cares about you and genuinely wants to know everything about you, good or bad. 

Open your eyes to what is happening right now, and I would say; Trust blindly. Trust in the good in people.

Don't let your old experiences ruin your chances of living a life free from the chains of the past.

Let them go, they're heavy as fuck.

Finding true balance.

About a year ago I hit a wall, I started doubting what I wanted out of life. It got me thinking, and it forced me to try new things, which I needed in order to eventually get back to and stick to my original path, the one to finish my degree and get out in the business/sales field.

1) What do I want? A challenging job, high salary, be a leader, stay busy, maintain a good body, a house or big apartment in Sweden, an apartment in California, drive my dream car (white porsche cayenne or a white range rover) start my own company, and be extremely successful.

2) What do truly I want? It's simple. I want passion, love, self acceptance, happiness, children, peacefulness, a healthy life, laughter, closeness, friendships, deep connections and quality time with the people I love.

What's wrong with these two? How can I want shallowness and attributes that only money can buy on one side and feelings no money in the world can buy on the other side? How can I want both sides when they are completely contradictory?

But are they though?

 I have come to realize, for example, that;
-In order to accept myself and stay true to myself, I need to be challenged, work hard, and know that I inspire others.
-In order to live a healthy life, I work out to maintain the body I love and that I am comfortable in.
-In order to feel peaceful, I need to stay busy and feel important to a company, because without staying occupied, I can't feel the true need of de-stressing and appreciate peaceful moments.
-To feel happiness, I need to feel successful, and that I am good at something.
-To feel true closeness, I need to do my own thing, keep my own interests and feel successful and not cling on to another person and their interests and think that that's closeness.
-To feel passion, I need to follow my dream of one day running my own business.

-And most importantly: To give and receive true love and to raise children in a family built on deep connection and love, I need to be me. The true me. I have tried to find me my entire life, and I used to focus a lot more on my "shallow me" and rely on what people thought of me, instead of focusing on accepting myself.
I am very sure of who I am now though, because I started listening to myself. I found balance between my two sides. Yes, I am driven, I am aiming really high when it comes to my career, (I believe I can do anything), because that is something I am passionate about and something I need, but I am also very aware of the fact that my family and my true friends will always always always come first, and that I will never allow myself to loose my need of connection, closeness, peacefulness and love.

I have made a vow to myself to always make time for the things that truly matter and not devote my life to making money and loose myself to the "shallow side". I need that side to a certain degree though, in order to not loose myself and stop following my own dreams to work hard and receive the things that I have always dreamed of.

I needed balance.

And awareness people, is the key to everything.

Don't suffer twice.

Sunday night..
..thoughts and feelings about the past week runs trough my head as always on Sundays.

First of all, I am so happy I'm in school.  I put a lot of effort in to doing my best, and being among the best in every single class, and even though putting that pressure on myself can obviously stress me out, I do it for me and no one else.
Going back to school at the time I did was the smartest thing I've ever done. I know exactly what I want, and I know I'll be successful, there's no doubt in my mind. If I had started school at the age of 20, I wouldn't have had a clue about what major to choose, and I wouldn't have been smart enough to know that developing relationships with teachers, do your best and speak your mind in every class is crucial to be able to claim your education.

Anyways, I've been fortunate enough to listen to the most amazing guest speakers this quarter. One that truly inspired me was this woman, Dr Gruver (I could have listened to her for hours) who came to speak to our class about mindfulness on Thursday. It was so inspiring.

I really believe in positive thinking, and that our thoughts create our reality. You chose what you see, and how you react to things that happen in your life. It can be very hard to see the good in tough situations at times, and I do believe that you have to let emotions out when they are overwhelming, but to worry and create scenarios in your head that aren't real, that is your amazing brains worst skill.

Dr. Gruver reminded me of all the things I already know, but the things you need to be reminded of sometimes.
Stress is created in our mind and it is basically just a bunch of worries about events that haven't even happened yet. She explained the reason why we shouldn't let stress take over in three words that I thought were completely brilliant, and that I will remember for the rest of my life;
Don't Suffer Twice.

-If you hate going to the dentist, you suffer by stressing over the fact that you are going there in 4 days.
-If you can't stand public speaking, you're only causing yourself to suffer if you allow yourself to feel bad about it days ahead the speech.

You can't know the outcome of things, that's impossible. Your brain comes up with outcomes based on what? Not reality, that's for sure. So since humans are experts on fantasizing and coming up with how bad a situation will be, and how much anxiety it will bring, we feel those feelings before the event even occurred. What if the situation will be an awesome experience? What if you hold the best presentation of your life? Then you suffered and worried for nothing.

We should use our amazing brains to create positive outcomes instead! See that speech as the best experience ever, see yourself doing a great job, see it as great practice. Try to create good feelings about it; you know you can do it because it works every time you think negatively about the situation. It will work the other way around as well, only it will take more effort and a strong will to want to change.

Stress is based on "what ifs". That's all there really is, and when you think about it like that it really puts it into perspective. Stress is created by your brain, it's not even real. So when those thoughts take over, come back to yourself. I actually use that line as a mantra when I let negative thoughts run amok, I stop and I literally just tell myself; Come back to yourself Malena.

Because the thing is, the only place where there is no stress what so ever is right now. 
Think about that for a little bit.

Lost my mind only to find it again

I've lost my mind these last couple days.
It went out the backdoor along with my lack of sleep.

I'm stressing, real bad. I know better, and I still meditate, do my yoga, my workouts, but somehow my mind decided to just stop fighting the stress and let it out. I needed it though.

Jeez, I haven't been this stressed since before that Christmas break in 2013. It's the pressure of getting all the school stuff done, but not just done, I have this need to hand in papers that stick out and that the teacher can actually enjoy reading, plus, crush my presentations. That's what it's all about for me because public speaking is weirdly enough a passion of mine. I always look around the room as I stand up there and I need to make sure everyone is paying attention and likes what I talk about, and if not everyone does, I feel like I've failed. I guess this time around, I am finishing 5 papers all at the same time and I just need to structure everything. I know I'll be fine though, and I usually do better when I'm not very prepared at my speeches, because I love to improvise, and never use notes.

I have talked about the stress now, I've dwelled, I've felt sorry for myself, and my psychotic thoughts that show up when I don't sleep enough have paid me a visit. I am not a fan of feeling sorry for myself and to walk around feeling like a basket case though so now I'm just gonna suck it up, drink some red wine nightly for inspiration, finish all my work, be awesome, hold my last presentation at 7 pm Wednesday night June 10th and hop on the airbus to LAX Thursday morning at 7 am.

All you wonderful people in Sweden, I will greet you all with the biggest smile on my face and I will feel light as a feather when this quarter is done. I can't wait to see all of you!

And yesterday btw, me and Jenny celebrated 2 years as roommates, and the very first day we moved in together, we said we'd have plenty of wine nights with swedish sticky chocolate cake, but yesterday was the first night we actually did it! My cake was a huge success among us, Sandy and Jenny's parents. It was a really good night.

Life lessons.

I'm thinking about acting on impulse and our self-control. All of us have probably acted on impulse and said or done things that we regret afterwards. You are in a stage of frustration and anger, and you spit out mean words or act crazy in general. This is all a matter of self-control.

I used to do this when I was younger. I got so caught up in frustration that all I needed was a reaction from the other person who according to me had put me in that emotional stage. I always regretted it, and was ashamed of my behavior after a while. The thing is..this behavior can not be justified afterwards. You can't take it back and make it undone. You can apologize, but the damage is done.

What my teacher talked about in my class yesterday was that people who want to change their impulsive behavior are told to do the complete opposite of what they usually do in these situations. To me, that sounds like a very hard thing to do, so what worked for me when I started to learn about my impulsive behavior was to write all my thoughts down. Write the text or the e-mail to this person, but send it to yourself! Go back and read it again an hour later, and make sure to thank yourself for
not sending it. Because trust me, you will.
Have enough respect for yourself that you won't allow yourself to do stupid things you'll end up regretting. I know it's way easier said than done, but hopefully this will plant a seed in your brain.

Another thing that I've been thinking about is relationships. I am a firm believer of constant maintenance, and to keep working towards a truly fulfilling relationship forever. So many people show their best sides, throw affection at each other and make efforts in the beginning of a relationship, but stop when they feel settled in the relationship. What happens to them when the going gets tough?

I believe in a 100% solid ground, continuos efforts and affection throughout life, to create a huge endless emotional account that will last through all the rough paths. You will have to be there for your partner and be his/her support system sometimes in life, as well as you need to be able to count on your spouse to be your support system as well. This will not be a burden. It will be given freely because to me, that is what love is about; a strong enough bond/friendship/love that will grow stronger through bad times, not let them break the entire relationship because it lacks a solid ground.

All of this ties back to my main thread through all my writings in this blog; self love. You won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship or control your impulses if you don't have a solid ground within yourself.

Don't look for reassurance in others, or expect someone to fix you. Trust this almost 30 year old, it won't work.

Flashbacks from another time

January 4th 2012

I was standing at Arlanda airport feeling like the loneliest  person in the world. I was about to leave Sweden and move to Santa Barbara. I will never ever forget how I felt. My future was completely unwritten and it freaked me out. As much as us humans are aware of the fact that the future is actually always unclear, we like to think we know sort of what our week will look like..and our weekend, our month, our year.

I didn't even have a home in Santa Barbara. Didn't know a soul. So yes, I was anxious. 

What happened as I arrived in LA and met my future roommates for the next 5 months at LAX is all history. Amazing history, stored in a very special place in my heart. 

Gosh..all the people I've met. All the friendships I've made. All the goodbye's I've had to make. All the love I've felt. All the love I feel.

My dad asked me when I was young what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn't have an answer to that, but I told him what I knew;

"Dad, I wanna live where the sun is always shining, and I want to live really close to the beach".

When I post pictures of leadbetter beach now which is right next to my house, my dad always comment;

"Your beach."

I managed to make my dream come true.

You can do whatever you want. Set your mind to it. Use the power and force that's in your heart and soul. Don't be fearless, be scared as shit so you can feel brave. What do you want to do? 

I'm about to make a really big change again very soon, and yes I'm scared. But I am using that fear to build strength. Because there is no better feeling in the world than being brave. Instead of seeing scary or unknown situations as something you recent, try to turn it around and think to yourself "Fuck yes, I can do this! And I will feel amazing afterwards!" Bravery is an amazing and powerful skill. 

I actually enjoy feeling a bit anxious/worried/scared about doing something new, or do a big speech etc, because I get to prove to myself that I can do it. 

Don't wait. Don't say; "Next time I'll do it". Do it when the opportunity comes. Do it for you.

What matters most in life.

I have had a few super productive mornings this week and this one certainly's one of them. Got up at 5.40 am, excited to get up (crazy) and I took the car down to the gym. Worked out for about an hour before I went home to do some HW, and then I went down to school to meet with my advisor. I now know what my very last quarter at Antioch will look like, and I am so so soooo excited! I'm graduating September 10th! I seriously can't believe it's so close. I've been busting my ass off for almost 4 years..

Anyways, I feel amazing right now (high on coffee), and I felt the urge to write about something that's been a very important part of me at least this past year; reducing dangerous stress. 
I used to be so stressed out. I was in and out of the hospital a year and a half ago because of it, since my blood pressure (which is usually very low) hit the roof. My doctor gave me muscle tension relief pills because every single muscle in my body was so tense. Stress has more or less been a part of my life causing both anxiety and sickness since I was in my early 20's.

This quarter, I'm in a class that's called Global Perspective on Stress. It scares the hell out of me because the readings connect basically all sort of cancer forms to stress, but it's also reassuring me that everything that I've done for myself this past year is extremely helpful. I already knew, of course, since I never stress out the way I used to anymore, but I need other people to know more about this because it can potentially save you from getting severely ill.

Dangerous stress is not external, it's internal. It's the one that keeps you up at night, worrying, visualizing the worst case scenarios etc. All the stuff you think you have to do. 
The book I'm reading right now called "When the body says No" show statistic evidence that people who develop cancer are very often the people who can't say no, and who worry about what others think of them, and who never wants to let anyone down.  This is a very dangerous form of internal stress.

This is what I have to say about it, and what I have learned through my own experience; If you want to be a supportive, strong person, who can be there for the people you love, the first thing you have to do, is work on yourself. Love yourself completely, and love yourself to the extent that you know you are doing your very best at work, that you alone are not responsible for the entire company, and don't picture the list of all the "have to do's" in your head when you go to sleep. Because if you keep prioritizing other people and things, putting your own wellbeing aside, you will break down.
Take time to be with you, work on you, love every part of you, complement yourself, be grateful for everything you have.

Make sure that you know what really matters in life. Don't make the mistake of getting yourself sick before you figure out that family, friends and love comes before working 12 hours a day to please a boss that won't thank you.
Stop for a second, appreciate your home, your spouse, your mom, your dad, siblings, pet, friends, the stranger who smiled at you and made you smile.

Take a deep breath, and let go of the mental pictures you have in your mind of all the things that could go wrong in life, and all the things you worry about not having the time to do.

Be you and do your best, that's all you can do. And that is enough.