Brutally honest

I'm sitting by my sisters kitchen table again, like I've done so many times before but this time it's different because I'm completely filled with anxiety.
This fall is nothing like I thought it would be.

I have been home for 5 days, and I am applying for a few jobs here but I'm not putting any soul into it, because I have a job offer waiting for me in Santa Barbara, plus a skype talk with a very influential man down in San Diego tonight.

Truth is though, I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm so confused and emotional and I don't recognize myself at all. I always knew that this transition would be tough, but I thought I was gonna stay here and not even think about going back to California, but since I got that offer I applied for my work visa with just 2 weeks left in the country and the visa won't get approved until December.
If I only knew what I should do, things would be so much easier because I would be able to put my heart and soul into focusing on that path. Right now it's just a rollercoaster of all kinds of different emotions. I want one thing one hour and the other thing the next.

People I have told this to tell me to just relax, since I haven't even been home a week yet, but I need a plan. I need something to focus everything on, I can't keep doing this because I don't like the way I am when I am indecisive.
I have suffered from anxiety in the past and all this is too much for me to handle so I am really struggling right now. It's hard to admit because I like to see myself as a strong, driven individual, but I am going through a rough time, and the anxiety is filling me up.

I know that everything will work out eventually, and I know that I have to think positive thoughts and all that, but now I need to just feel..sad. I need to be able to feel super sad about everything now. And that's ok. Because we can't all walk around and be happy or pretend to be happy all the time.

I am lost, I am crying a lot, and I feel empty. And that's just the way it is.