An open letter to 16 year old Malena

Malena,

Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see the brown eyes that often filled themselves up with tears as soon as they met yours? The eyes that saw and lived through the pain of that relationship. The relationship that you were in at the same time you had to leave the only friend you had because she managed to break you by being mean to you every single day for 3 years. The one relationship that would come to ruin the way you see yourself for years and years to come?

The experience that would come to make you doubt yourself and all of your abilities. The bad self-esteem that made you want to crawl out of your own skin and scream so loud until your voice couldn't scream anymore. 

The way he treated you, and scared you with violence, that would make you believe that every single guy in the world were mean, cheaters and didn't really care for you and the person you truly are.

The feeling of never being enough, ever. The self-hate you felt when you looked at your body.

The broken pieces of you that even though they were burning on the inside, had to stay right there, on the inside. 

The hurt that would live inside you and make you turn stone-cold and not show one single emotion, which lead to an explosion that one day when the first panic attack hit you and you were certain that that was it. You would die at 21. 

You will be in for one hell of a journey Malena, one where you, among a lot of things, will learn that not all guys are horrible. But it will take you many years, and you will let a couple of them go, out of fear. But that's ok, because they weren't right, they were just there to show you that people can appreciate you and fall in love with you, ALL of you. They were there to build you up. 

You will still have the friends that you met when you were 16, started at Rudbeckianska gymnasiet and had just been through one of the roughest times of your life. Those friends will mean the world to you, and they will be a crucial part of your life and your way back to build a self-esteem. They will be supportive and tell you that you are amazing. They will be there when you feel ugly and like the worst person in the world. They will listen to you when you need someone to talk to, and they will love you for you.

You will move to California, and that's where your life will change for real. You will go alone, and start an entire new life, and you will meet friends for life there. Friends who will become your family, and who you will share not just your apartment with, but your entire life. They will see you grow, and go from insecure and not wanting to speak in front of a crowd, to completely crushing it at public speaking and glowing while doing it. They will be there when school is so stressful that you cry your eyes out in the bathroom at night.

Santa Barbara will forever be sacred to you, because you discovered yoga and meditation while living there. Yoga came first, and it showed you that the body you despised so much, can be strong and flexible. You will actually learn to love your body. Meditation came after you completely hit the wall out of stress and had to go to the hospital. You will realize that mediation is an amazing tool and it will help you with all the anxiety. You will discover a spiritual part of yourself that you kinda always knew was there but you never knew how to express it.

Look into those brown eyes Malena, and know that everything will be ok. You will be ok. You will be healed, and you will become extremely strong, and the faith you have in yourself will be one of your strongest attributes. You will stand tall, work hard, and you will be very successful, and people will like you, for YOU. People will actually look up to you, and a lot of them want your advice because they think you are really smart, experienced, wise, and know about life.

And you do. You do know about life now, and those brown eyes in the mirror that used to be filled with tears, will look back at you, with humbleness and they will speak to you; 

I love you.

Set yourself free

It's sunday night and the thoughts run through my head, just like they always do on sundays. 

I love these thoughts, and I love the alone time. 

I just finished a glass of red wine and some dark chocolate at my parents apartment, although they're not home. I'm enjoying the space and the feeling of complete safety.

The thoughts that fill this head of mine tonight are pretty simple, I'm thinking about how easy it actually is to set yourself free. Free from the feelings of wanting to control someone, or somethings. Free from the feeling of fear. 

Don't try to control someone, and stop wishing for people to change. When you hold on too tight and want to control situations sooo badly, just imagine sand that you pick up on the beach. If you want to keep it, you have to hold the sand loosely in your open, cupped hands, not squeeze your hands in an attempt to keep it, because when you do, the sand slips trough your fingers and you loose it.

I feel a sense of calm just thinking about that metaphor, and it's one that I have used several times in my life. Let go of the clinging, and let go of the attachment. Hold the sand in your open hands, and you won't have to waste energy like you do when you squeeze your hands. 

Don't be afraid of things that could happen, because you don't know what will happen. Just keep planting positive thoughts in your mind, and realax. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Relax and think about possibilities instead of obstacles. 

We are animals, us humans. And we have a way of always preparing for the worst to happen, and that is because we have those genes in our veins, the genes of always having to prepare for a fight. Prepare to run when we meet our enemies, prepare to hunt for food when we need it. Prepare for war, and to protect our territories. 

BUT, we are equipped with extraordinary brains, that we can control. We have the ability to plant thoughts and create new patterns, but it takes constant practice and it takes willpower, simply because we have an automated system that tells us to expect the worst. It's so much easier to be negative and afraid, than it is to be excited and positive, but that doesn't make it impossible. It makes it a challenge.

We feel so much lighter and so free when we are positive and stop trying to control everything. You can set yourself free. Free from the controlling. Free from the fear.

Don't just look at the sand you want to keep in your hands to see if they're squeezed or open, feel what you're feeling as well. Are you constantly clinching and feel tense? Take a breath and open your hands, because that is what makes the sand want to stay in your hands too, because it's calm and secure.

You don't have to lose what you've got to know what you had

A phrase a lot of us know is: "You don't know what you've got til it's gone".
Is that true? I don't believe so.

Because this week, I was about to throw something away that means a lot to me, that I love, and that has been a part of my life for 4 years now. I'm talking about yoga.

When I started doing yoga, something happened in me. I discovered meditation right after starting my yoga practice, and they go hand in hand. At least for me.
I discovered a new calm, a new way of thinking, and my body had never ever felt so..good. I felt healthy, strong, calm. I felt more positive, uplifted and I got in touch with my inner me in a new way.

I meditated and did yoga every morning back in the U.S. and when I moved back home, I tried to keep it going but it wasn't the same. In my apartment where I live now, I don't have the actual space I need to be able to do the practice. I have to move tables and rugs to be able to fit my mat.

So I started doing it less and less. But I missed it so much and I needed it. So one day, this january when I sat at LAX waiting for my flight, I knew that I had to sign up for a yoga teacher training program. And I did! 200 hour training starting this september. It felt so right.

By doing that though, I went from doing yoga about 2-3 times a week to about 1 time a week. Because my mind kept telling me that "You will do yoga every damn day starting this september so you don't have to do it that much now".

THAT was the mistake. Because when you don't value and care about something that you know you love, it starts to slip away. You start to forget why you loved it so much. Five days ago, I wrote the instructor who's in charge of the training program, and asked her if I could withdraw.

I actually debated dropping the dream of becoming a yoga instructor. Just because I hadn't nurtured what I loved.
I got a response that yes, I could drop the class, but she suggested that I would start the one year training starting in january instead.

I sat on the couch, wrote back that I would think about it. Got up, moved my table, the chair, and the rug. Rolled out my blue mat and started. I did about 30 minutes of yoga and almost cried afterwards. This is what I love! I meditated, went to bed, and the morning after I wrote back that I will start the training this january.

I have done yoga every day since this happened and just finished a 30 minute session. I know why I love it, I know how good it is for me, I know that I need it in my life. I just have to keep nurture, appreciate it and just do it.

So, I don't believe you have to actually lose what you've got to know what you had. I believe you can chose to see what you have and nurture it. Remember why you chose the way you did in the first place. Because I don't believe in the phrase "The grass is always greener on the other side" either. I believe "the grass is greener where you water it".