When I got home, I put my luggage in the hallway, and almost immediately took a shower. As I was standing in the shower, using ridiculously hot water, I repeated to myself; "I'm home" several times, loudly to myself.
I felt something so close to complete safety, and I felt an immense amount of gratitude.
I'm home.
Everywhere I've ever lived in this world, from the houses I grew up in Västerås, my own apartments in the same town, to the places I stayed in Santa Barbara, I've always had the feeling of it being temporary. I've always been on my way somewhere else.
The first time I entered my current apartment it felt like home. I knew instantly. I had found the place where my whole being will feel safe, and be able to grow and evolve because of it.
Obviously I wont live here for the rest of my life, but I will for as long as I need to.
Something happened during my time in California. The things I needed to learn and the amount of growth that living there gave me is done and done. I loved being there though, and be close to people that allow me to be me, completely, and I'm talking about someone in particular who is so special to me that my eyes tear up now as I write this; Linda.I can't imagine anyone else in my life who has had such an important impact on me in a relatively short amount of time. You are a star. A real one. I will never ever apologize for my spiritual and intuitive side again. It's the one part of me that has always longed to be recognized. Thank you for everything you've ever given me and taught me.
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Since I got home, I've heard several people tell me that I'm "glowing". I'm not surprised. This is because I'm letting go of restrictions from myself. I'm allowing me to me, and to be completely honest, I have never ever ever ever been so calm and so comfortable in my own skin.
I'm a person. Behind my body, my looks, the way I walk and talk. And that person is whats important, what matters, and what needs to be cherished. By myself above all others. But it's also what I will demand of others to cherish.
I look the way I do, and I like taking care of my body. I like my super pink lipsticks, all my shoes and the way I dress. I won't change that, because it's the way I have chosen to be seen and reflected from the outside.
All that though, becomes irrelevant depending on how I feel on the inside.
Beauty comes from radiating from the inside, and that's where my glow comes from.
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How do you feel? What do you need? And I'm talking about what YOU need to be happy and calm, not what you think will make you look cool to the outer world, the surface level.
Eliminate work from the equation for a second. Eliminate the way you look for a second. Eliminate what you plan for the future for a second. Eliminate what ever happened in your past for a second. Eliminate what you are scared or worried about for a second.
All that's left is you. Now. The true real you behind the thoughts, the plans, the stress, the anxiety, the anticipation. When you're in that state of mind, I believe you will know what it is that's home to you, what you need to feel calm.
To the people in my life who seek support who has recognized that I'm very good at that, I will be able to hold your hand, but I will never be able to drag you. You need to do and want to do the walking on your own.
Yep, I'm home.
And I will have to work on staying in this state of mind for the rest of my life. I can't promise I won't lose my way from time to time, but I will do my best. Because the people I care deeply for, including myself, need me to be me, because of the simple equation;
when I lose me completely, I will lose them too.
