Pay it forward

I've been thinking about how we can practice "paying it forward" in order to feel happier in life.

We are so used to following certain patterns in life in order to be successful, and with financial and work related success comes happiness, right? Uh, no. I don't think so. Is for example money, a good title, material things, status cars, stressful days things that makes us happy? Or, could it be loving relationships, friendships, helping others, your health, being present, grateful and doing things for yourself things that makes us happy?

I was listening to a podcast the other day and a swedish man who is a very famous lecturer here, said that; I had all the things you are "supposed to" have; I was a millionaire, I had a beautiful woman by my side, I had fame, and I got recognized walking down the streets. And I have never been so miserable and unhappy.
Because those things were just a cover, and things he thought he needed in order to be happy and complete. But he never listened to his real needs.
He sums up his point by saying that if you ask anyone what really matters in life, everyone will say things like; my children, my husband/wife, my health, being with the people I love.

We are all different, and some of us will always care more about the status stuff and having a lot of money, and that's fine. Although, I really believe that all of us can practice "paying it forward" to feel better in life;

In relationships, love feeds on love. You have to give in order to receive love. Therefor, it's very important to pay the love forward and back as you receive it, and not get stuck in only receiving. Show, and be grateful for the love you receive, and give back, because by doing that you will never ever take love for granted. And when you give your spouse love, it will fill them up, and they will go about their days feeling good, and give positive energy to the people they meet.

Same thing goes with friendships, you have to be cautious and keep the friendship in the loving zone. Call or text one of your friends just and tell them what you appreciate about them, I promise you that it will make their day, AND it will make your day as well! Because when we give love, it comes back to us tenfold. Try it, because when you make them happy, they will be able to make others in their surroundings happy by paying their happiness forward.

When you take care of yourself and your health, I am not just talking about working out. Try meditating, light a candle and look at it for a few minutes just to be present, take a walk where you've never walked before to see new things for the first time, and pay your new experiences forward. Not by using social media and show followers that you are "present". Bring a friend on that walk, share what you see, meditate with someone or share the new realization you made with someone. Pay knowledge forward.

I think the ability to be humble is an important key in life. To be able to be proud and talk about ones accomplishments, but to never do it in a way that makes others feel bad. There's a fine line between egocentric bragging and to be proud with humbleness.
Talk about what you are proud of with the intent to inspire others, and pay it forward. Not in order to tell eberyone that you're the best.

When you're happy and content, share it. It's not like happiness only comes in a certain dose that you have to hold on to with dear life, it actually grows when you share it.

Share what you have. Pay it forward, and you will get it back tenfold or more. Trust me.

From the bottom of my heart; Thank You

On monday, october 16th, I took place in front of my colleagues at Mynewsdesk, and spoke openly and without shame, about my history of anxiety, depression and my many many panic attacks.

I only spoke for about 15-20 minutes, and afterwords, I got about 15 hugs from different coworkers, and so many "Thank you for sharing" comments. As I sat down at my computer, so many comments rolled in from co workers who had listened, who thanked me and who said that they recognize themselves in so many things, and that it's so important to speak up about these things because that shows others who also suffer that they are not alone.

I posted a status on LinkedIn, about my little speech, and that I spoke because I see a desperate need for something to change. The first step is to just talk about it, to show everyone else that it happened to me, it is still happening to me, and that I am a living proof that you can find ways to live with your anxiety and make your way out of the darkness.
My post on LinkedIn started trending and I am right now at 177 likes and 17 comments, most of these from people that I am not in contact with on LinkedIn. My post has reached over 12000 people and one comment just rolled in 5 minutes ago, so it's still reaching new people.

I am so beyond words. I am SO grateful to everyone who hit "like" and/or left a comment so that my post is shown to your group of contacts on LinkedIn.
I could never imagine that it would start spreading the way it did but I'm so happy about it, because that means that I am touching on a VERY important matter, that so many people can relate to.

I have talked about my anxiety in my blog, and I always open up completely when people come to talk to me, and I have never ever felt an ounce of shame. Ever.

I have heard people say that I'm brave when I'm opening up, and that I am strong because I talk about it so openly. I am extremely humble in what I'm about to write now, but I actually don't understand the part where I'm brave and strong, because to me, it's crystal clear and a a matter of course. I don't see myself as brave or strong, I see it as my obvious duty.

I have gotten the proof I need now in order to continue my own little journey to reach new people. I have dreamt about talking about this openly infront of new crowds for years, and I think it's about to really happen. I know that I am doing something big, because if I can reach out to just one person who can admit to him or herself that there's a negative stress present in their life, and start working on making a change, I have done plenty.

The first step to making a change is to become aware. And how to we become aware? By talking about it.

How my anxiety completes me

For a couple of months now, I have been working on myself a bit more than I usually do.
I have been speaking to someone, since I have felt the urge to take my development one step further.

For anyone who knows me and have read this blog, you know that I have from suffered panic attacks and dealt with anxiety. The fact is though, that it shouldn't say; "dealt with" it should say "is dealing with".

I have suffered from anxiety my entire life. From a very early age, I have been a worried soul. I feared that my family would leave me, I thought about death and the meaning of life, I feared losing loved ones and friends, and I have always suffered from this form of anxiety that comes out of the blue and you have absolutely no idea where it came from.

The thing that I learned when I was about 22, is that when someone is dealing with anxiety like mine, it always finds a way out, one way or another.
One period in my life, I feared death every single day. When that disappeared, I started doubting my existence. When I worked that away, my job gave me the worst anxiety, and when that past, I started seeing food as the enemy and the anxiety took its form in eating disorders.

See, I always wanted to feel like I could control my anxiety, and every time I felt it, I could just do something to make it go away. Like change jobs, eating less, workout more, travel...whatever.

But. My anxiety will always be a part of me.

I have been talking to so many people, about how I got past the panic attacks, and the fear of death and fear of public speaking and so on, and I DID. I am a strong person, I'm smart, talented, inspiring, hard working, a role model, a happy person with my feet on the ground. But, I will have to live with the anxiety and the way it  choses to take its form my entire life. I have some parts of me that I have been ashamed of, for real. But I have come to realise now that I can't be embarrassed of parts of me that are just that; parts of ME. Who would I be without my anxiety? Seriously. Nowadays, I'm kinda proud of it, because it gives me more depth.

When I tell people that I have been through extreme fear, suffered panic attacks and suffered by sickness due to stress, I usually get this: "I never thought YOU of all people had been though that, you are so stable", or something like that.
It took me some hard work and some true soul searching to get where I am today and I'm not nearly done.

I love inspiring people that you can change, that you can live a positive life and that you have the power to do things you thought you never could, because you can. But you can never completely erase something that is a part of you, a part of your DNA.

You should have goals in life, to make you move forward in all aspects; career, relationships, training, learning, traveling...

I have such goals to, but the most important goal for me will always be to get to know myself in such a way that it makes me understand other people better. I will have to mirror what I want to achieve from others. Open up when I have something that's weighing me down, to make other people in my life feel like they can open up to me. Listen to others, so that i will feel heard. Love others as hard as I can, so that they can love me back. Speak only good about others, so that others speak only good things about me.

I am me. No one else. I am me, with all my qualities and all my "darker sides". They're  parts of me that makes me complete. We have bright colors in this world, and we also have darker colors in this world. For a reason. We need them all, because that's the entire spectrum.

That's why my anxiety and my fears completes the circle, why they complete ME.
The parts of us that are the hardest ones to accept should't be our enemies, they should be our source of willpower. Willpower to work harder on our good qualities, in order for us to be better human beings. They will be there, but it's up to us how much control we let them have over us.

Don't limit your life. Because it will end.

I was going to write about something completely different, but something took my focus away. An interview that's going on during the morning show on my tv.

Krstian Gidlund died 4 years ago today, and he is someone that the majority of all swedes has been moved by in some way. He wrote a blog about his cancer and all of his deepest feelings about the fact that he was going to die within months.

Listening to and watching this interview right now, with one of Kristians best friends who is talking about how Kristian taught him the meaning of life, I feel some sort of relief.

We all know one thing, and one thing only about this life: we will die.
And the fact that we are going to die is a good thing. Because if life was endless, there would be no point in living. At all. We would't appreciate any of it.

There is a meaning with every stage we go through in life. There's a reason why a newborn is a baby for such short amount of time, and it's because we are supposed to cherish that time! If our child was a newborn forever, we wouldn't cherish it. The fact that it ends is the meaning with it all.

The fact that our life will end is the whole point. Some people say there is no meaning with anything since we will all die one day, but it's the other way around. It's because we will die that our lives have meaning, and it's up to us to fill it with meaning.

When we are on vacation for 2 weeks, we cherish those weeks and we enjoy every second of it, because we know it will end soon.
Why can't we see our entire life that way?

If I'm lucky, I have lived about a third of my life. I keep learning and every year that passes by, my life gets better. I can truly say that I have zero regrets in life. None. Every single mistake and every struggle has had some meaning which taught me something new. It's just as important to look back at our lives and don't regret things, as it is to cherish everything that's ahead, even the hard parts.

I will keep applying the lessons I've learned in life, and continue to use them as just that, lessons. They are not truths. Lessons are not learned to limit our lives, they are learnt to help us grow and to become brave.

We go through a heartache not to learn that we don't have the guts to love again, but the opposite. We go though a heartache to learn that we can go though it and survive. We can open ourselves up and truly love again, because we know that a heartache won't kills us. We have proof, in the shape of a very own experience.

Life is fascinating, and it's beautiful.
Don't limit your life, because you know as well as I do that it will end.

The deepest shit I ever wrote

When I was in philosophy class at city college in SB, I felt like I finally had a way of organizing my thoughts. That class didn't help me by giving me answers to the questions I have been asking myself my entire life, but it helped me by realizing that there are others who think like I do.

This might get deep, so bare with me, and this might not make sense to some of you, but it may make complete sense to some.

I want to ask you a question; Who are you?

Not you name, your occupation, your skin or hair color, what country you were born in, what kind of food you like etc, but the you that you are inside.
Would you say that you are your thoughts? Are you made out of flesh, bone, organs and a brain? And the you that you are is actually your mind?
Are you your thoughts? Your brain?

I don't believe that. I believe that we are something more. Something completely not tangible. Because think about this; you are able to control your thoughts, right? You can decide to think about the sunset, or to imagine that you are running through the forest for example. What is it in you that can control your thoughts? If you ARE your mind, and your thoughts, then wouldn't you just go with everything you think?

I also believe that you all can relate to the scenario when you feel something, maybe something that you are scared of. You might automatically think "I can't do it, I'm so scared". Then there's like another dimension of you who tells you that "Yes, you CAN do it! Stop being so dramatic. Just do it".
Are these two really both you? Or does one of these statements come from the real you, and the other one from experiences that have been kept and created automatically in your brain from earlier experiences?

It's so incredibly hard to try to explain this, but I believe there is something in us that are our being. The one we get in touch with when we meditate and shut down every single thought in our brain.
When we are in a deep meditative state, we don't move our bodies, and we don't have any thoughts.
But we are still there. More there than ever before. We are so present, and we feel at peace.

What is that?

To me, there's no other explanation than that the one we get in touch with on such a deep level is the one we are. Our thoughts are created by experiences and our unconscious mind absorbs experiences and automatically create its own truths.

With that said, I want to pick up the red thread that I keep coming back to in this blog. The one we are, the one within, can identify this, control and change the thoughts and by doing that change the way we chose to live our lives. 

"Where attention goes, energy flows". If you are scared of bees, you will see them everywhere. People will wonder how the hell there can be so many bees around you at the beach when they are usually never there. If you focus all your attention on what can go wrong during a presentation, that will come true, and you will say "I KNEW that would happen!"

When past experiences creates patterns in your mind, and your attention is focused on the negatives, you will sure as hell find negatives. You will be completely unable to live in the now and enjoy what you have, because you will be more focused on what could go wrong in the future. And you know what? That will probably happen.

Life is complicated. Because we all have a body that everyone can see, and a way of behaving that causes people around us to get a sense of who we are. But we also have that one on the inside, who doesn't show, but who struggles to stay alive on the inside, and battles our thoughts every day.

I can get disappointed sometimes, because I want to understand people on a much deeper level. Sometimes I'm not interested in seeing the way you dress, or talk to you about the latest TV-shows, or listen to you complain about the weather or your work.

In 99 cases out of 100, I want to understand why the dark scares you, why you don't like to ride the elevator, why those bees scare the crap out of you, why you love the ocean so much, why you don't want to speak in front of crowds, or where your mind goes when you stare out in the open air and you touch your face.

Who are you? Why do you feel the way do do? Do you really feel those things, or do your thoughts tell you that you feel that way? Is there some being inside you who can change the negative patterns of thoughts that your mind created in order to allow you to keep developing as a human being?

I want to believe that we all have the power to make our own changes, and make our own choices. I want to believe that we know what is right and what is wrong, here and now. Life changes, we all know that, but if we can just stick to what our being knows is right in the now and not let thoughts or fear of the future hold us back, I truly believe that would make us happier. 

An open letter to 16 year old Malena

Malena,

Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see the brown eyes that often filled themselves up with tears as soon as they met yours? The eyes that saw and lived through the pain of that relationship. The relationship that you were in at the same time you had to leave the only friend you had because she managed to break you by being mean to you every single day for 3 years. The one relationship that would come to ruin the way you see yourself for years and years to come?

The experience that would come to make you doubt yourself and all of your abilities. The bad self-esteem that made you want to crawl out of your own skin and scream so loud until your voice couldn't scream anymore. 

The way he treated you, and scared you with violence, that would make you believe that every single guy in the world were mean, cheaters and didn't really care for you and the person you truly are.

The feeling of never being enough, ever. The self-hate you felt when you looked at your body.

The broken pieces of you that even though they were burning on the inside, had to stay right there, on the inside. 

The hurt that would live inside you and make you turn stone-cold and not show one single emotion, which lead to an explosion that one day when the first panic attack hit you and you were certain that that was it. You would die at 21. 

You will be in for one hell of a journey Malena, one where you, among a lot of things, will learn that not all guys are horrible. But it will take you many years, and you will let a couple of them go, out of fear. But that's ok, because they weren't right, they were just there to show you that people can appreciate you and fall in love with you, ALL of you. They were there to build you up. 

You will still have the friends that you met when you were 16, started at Rudbeckianska gymnasiet and had just been through one of the roughest times of your life. Those friends will mean the world to you, and they will be a crucial part of your life and your way back to build a self-esteem. They will be supportive and tell you that you are amazing. They will be there when you feel ugly and like the worst person in the world. They will listen to you when you need someone to talk to, and they will love you for you.

You will move to California, and that's where your life will change for real. You will go alone, and start an entire new life, and you will meet friends for life there. Friends who will become your family, and who you will share not just your apartment with, but your entire life. They will see you grow, and go from insecure and not wanting to speak in front of a crowd, to completely crushing it at public speaking and glowing while doing it. They will be there when school is so stressful that you cry your eyes out in the bathroom at night.

Santa Barbara will forever be sacred to you, because you discovered yoga and meditation while living there. Yoga came first, and it showed you that the body you despised so much, can be strong and flexible. You will actually learn to love your body. Meditation came after you completely hit the wall out of stress and had to go to the hospital. You will realize that mediation is an amazing tool and it will help you with all the anxiety. You will discover a spiritual part of yourself that you kinda always knew was there but you never knew how to express it.

Look into those brown eyes Malena, and know that everything will be ok. You will be ok. You will be healed, and you will become extremely strong, and the faith you have in yourself will be one of your strongest attributes. You will stand tall, work hard, and you will be very successful, and people will like you, for YOU. People will actually look up to you, and a lot of them want your advice because they think you are really smart, experienced, wise, and know about life.

And you do. You do know about life now, and those brown eyes in the mirror that used to be filled with tears, will look back at you, with humbleness and they will speak to you; 

I love you.

Set yourself free

It's sunday night and the thoughts run through my head, just like they always do on sundays. 

I love these thoughts, and I love the alone time. 

I just finished a glass of red wine and some dark chocolate at my parents apartment, although they're not home. I'm enjoying the space and the feeling of complete safety.

The thoughts that fill this head of mine tonight are pretty simple, I'm thinking about how easy it actually is to set yourself free. Free from the feelings of wanting to control someone, or somethings. Free from the feeling of fear. 

Don't try to control someone, and stop wishing for people to change. When you hold on too tight and want to control situations sooo badly, just imagine sand that you pick up on the beach. If you want to keep it, you have to hold the sand loosely in your open, cupped hands, not squeeze your hands in an attempt to keep it, because when you do, the sand slips trough your fingers and you loose it.

I feel a sense of calm just thinking about that metaphor, and it's one that I have used several times in my life. Let go of the clinging, and let go of the attachment. Hold the sand in your open hands, and you won't have to waste energy like you do when you squeeze your hands. 

Don't be afraid of things that could happen, because you don't know what will happen. Just keep planting positive thoughts in your mind, and realax. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Relax and think about possibilities instead of obstacles. 

We are animals, us humans. And we have a way of always preparing for the worst to happen, and that is because we have those genes in our veins, the genes of always having to prepare for a fight. Prepare to run when we meet our enemies, prepare to hunt for food when we need it. Prepare for war, and to protect our territories. 

BUT, we are equipped with extraordinary brains, that we can control. We have the ability to plant thoughts and create new patterns, but it takes constant practice and it takes willpower, simply because we have an automated system that tells us to expect the worst. It's so much easier to be negative and afraid, than it is to be excited and positive, but that doesn't make it impossible. It makes it a challenge.

We feel so much lighter and so free when we are positive and stop trying to control everything. You can set yourself free. Free from the controlling. Free from the fear.

Don't just look at the sand you want to keep in your hands to see if they're squeezed or open, feel what you're feeling as well. Are you constantly clinching and feel tense? Take a breath and open your hands, because that is what makes the sand want to stay in your hands too, because it's calm and secure.

You don't have to lose what you've got to know what you had

A phrase a lot of us know is: "You don't know what you've got til it's gone".
Is that true? I don't believe so.

Because this week, I was about to throw something away that means a lot to me, that I love, and that has been a part of my life for 4 years now. I'm talking about yoga.

When I started doing yoga, something happened in me. I discovered meditation right after starting my yoga practice, and they go hand in hand. At least for me.
I discovered a new calm, a new way of thinking, and my body had never ever felt so..good. I felt healthy, strong, calm. I felt more positive, uplifted and I got in touch with my inner me in a new way.

I meditated and did yoga every morning back in the U.S. and when I moved back home, I tried to keep it going but it wasn't the same. In my apartment where I live now, I don't have the actual space I need to be able to do the practice. I have to move tables and rugs to be able to fit my mat.

So I started doing it less and less. But I missed it so much and I needed it. So one day, this january when I sat at LAX waiting for my flight, I knew that I had to sign up for a yoga teacher training program. And I did! 200 hour training starting this september. It felt so right.

By doing that though, I went from doing yoga about 2-3 times a week to about 1 time a week. Because my mind kept telling me that "You will do yoga every damn day starting this september so you don't have to do it that much now".

THAT was the mistake. Because when you don't value and care about something that you know you love, it starts to slip away. You start to forget why you loved it so much. Five days ago, I wrote the instructor who's in charge of the training program, and asked her if I could withdraw.

I actually debated dropping the dream of becoming a yoga instructor. Just because I hadn't nurtured what I loved.
I got a response that yes, I could drop the class, but she suggested that I would start the one year training starting in january instead.

I sat on the couch, wrote back that I would think about it. Got up, moved my table, the chair, and the rug. Rolled out my blue mat and started. I did about 30 minutes of yoga and almost cried afterwards. This is what I love! I meditated, went to bed, and the morning after I wrote back that I will start the training this january.

I have done yoga every day since this happened and just finished a 30 minute session. I know why I love it, I know how good it is for me, I know that I need it in my life. I just have to keep nurture, appreciate it and just do it.

So, I don't believe you have to actually lose what you've got to know what you had. I believe you can chose to see what you have and nurture it. Remember why you chose the way you did in the first place. Because I don't believe in the phrase "The grass is always greener on the other side" either. I believe "the grass is greener where you water it".

Fear.

I'm in my Sunday writing mood, and I'm filled with some sort of anxiety vs excitement that I'm not used to. I'm going to talk in front of all my colleagues at work tomorrow during our Monday breakfast.
It's the very first step I'm taking towards the dream of eventually lecture on different subjects in the future. The first practice will be tomorrow on one particular subject.

It's a strange thing, when you really want to do something, but it scares you. You want it so bad, and you know that it will help you develop, but you're scared of it and what might go wrong. It got me thinking about fear. Fear is something we should look at a bit differently.

Fear can be something we feel when we are about to enter or do something that has value to us. Right now, before my speech in front of 85 people tomorrow, I'm scared and worried about how people will see me afterwards. It means that what I'm about to do is very important to me.

We all know the feeling we get when we have done something we were initially nervous or scared of. It's indescribable. It's a sense of relief and we are so proud of ourselves. We also know the feeling we get when we back out of something we really want, out of fear. That disappointment is heavy.

Fear is fuel. Ride on it. Let it guide you. Challenge yourself, meet the fear and stare it in the eyes, or you will be stuck in the same patterns.
It's whats out of your comfort zone that will make you grow and learn about life and yourself. My all time favorite quote is "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone".

Me and a very dear new friend have been talking about the "opposite method" lately. When you out of habit feel, do, or react to something just because it's the way its always been for you, it might not be the best way to approach the situation. If you know within that what your habit tells you to do might hurt the person or the situation, try to do something different. If you feel mistreated and you automatically blame the other person and want to withdraw or say something hurtful, try to take a step back, reevaluate, and tell the person how much you care and what happened inside you when you felt mistreated. It will surely be weird and feel unnatural, but look at what will happen.

Very often, our behaviors are a reflection of past experiences. We react the exact same way every time something happens to us that we in our minds think is what happened to us in the past.
That is not the case though. Because no situation is the exact same as something you went through in the past. It's impossible, because everyone and every situation is unique.

It saddens me that we let our past run our lives and I wish I had the strength to break every single bad behavior pattern I've ever created, but it's extremely hard. I'm just very thankful for the fact that I'm aware, and I have managed to change the direction of my thoughts and actions toward different situations many times.

Life for me is about learning and to stay on track towards becoming a better and better version of myself all the time. I have my moments, when I feel like I've lost everything I've ever learned and feel like I'm back on square one, and I just have to deal with it and that it's ok. Because I know that within an hour or a day, I'll be back on track. It's a never ending progress, and it's a choice.

I really believe that most things in life are based on choices. Chose to be productive instead of seeing all the shit you have to do and be stressed out. Chose to take a walk and get some exercise instead of taking the car. Chose to be grateful for what you have instead of focusing on what you don't have. Chose to believe in the good instead of thinking of all the craziness in the world. Chose to nurture your relationships instead of looking for faults. Chose your partner every morning. Chose to love yourself instead of seeing the flaws. Chose to speak kindly, instead of blaming others.

This post turned out longer than I had planned. It might just be a bunch of blabbing, I honestly haven't even read
through it now that I'm posting. It's straight from the heart on this Sunday night.

Freedom and safety

A few years ago, I remember reading about the number one priority for women in a relationship. Then I got really curious about what the number one was on the list for men. (This is general obviously, but I found it kinda accurate)

Females need safety. We need to feel safe and secure and feel like our partner choose us and no one else. We want to feel like we're the number one coolest and that the man we are with appreciates us and all of our awesome qualities.

Men need freedom. They need to keep the feeling of being able to live their life to the fullest even when they are in a relationship. They need a female who understands this 100 %, and understands that it doesn't mean that he wants her any less just because he needs to do his own stuff.

I am no psychologist and no relationship expert in any way, but I would dare to say that it is these two that often collide, and probably more often in a new relationship. This can cause problems.

And I say CAN cause problems, because I think it's relatively easy to avoid this causing problems.

These needs are equally important, that's crucial to keep in mind. No female should compromise with her feelings and accept any kind of behavior from a man because he needs his freedom. Likewise, no man should ever compromise his need of freedom to make the woman feel safe.

I think that scenarios that often happen is, one:
When the female starts feeling like she wants to know if the man is committed and wants to be with her and no one else because she starts to feel like she is there. Before having a conversation about this, it might (and I say might, because it's not always the case) lead to her feeling insecure and needing more reassurance. She starts looking and asking for more reassurance and start demanding more from the man.
The male part feels this, and immediately starts thinking that it's too much, that he feels pressured, and he might start thinking that this woman will steal his freedom, or demand more of him than he is able to give, so he can't handle it and leaves.

Or the male part starts to feel that he is falling in love with the woman and might have this vision of a committed relationship as something that will hold him back in life. That he will lose his freedom. So he might start withdrawing because of this even though he doesn't want to. The female feels this and thinks; "Fuck it, if this guy doesn't want me, I have plenty of other options", and she leaves because she doesn't feel like the man appreciates her.

How easy would it be to avoid these scenarios? Talk about it. Where are you at? What do you want and need from me? Meet in the middle. All of us have different needs and wants, and the most important thing is that we can never expect to own another human being or try to control them. We can't change another person. Humans only change if they want to, and when we do it because it turns us in to better people. Listen to each other and understand each other. Judging leads you nowhere. 

And this is also something I just have to mention: Women need freedom too! Males need safety too!
No woman wants to feel controlled or be with a man who tries to tie her down and stop her from pursuing her dreams. No man wants to be with a woman who doesn't show him that she appreciates him and supports him.

I still thought it was interesting to know these two top priorities that the majority of men and women need in a relationship. I think many of us can relate to some kind of scenario where this could apply.

Just some thoughts on this friday afternoon. Communication is, like we all know by now, key. It's not always easy, but it's the best thing we can do, to be able to understand another human being. And personally, there's nothing more rewarding than feeling like you are able to understand the behavior of another person. It brings you closer to that person and you will be able to learn so so much from each other.

I believe freedom and safety can walk hand in hand. No doubt about it. Let the guy have the freedom to fly and support him, and let the girl know that she is fucking awesome and lift her to the sky so that she feels like she can pursue all of her dreams.

Living instead of waiting

I debated writing about my thoughts and feelings about what happened in Stockholm this Friday, but I felt drained by the thought, so I decided not to. I just want to mention that I have never loved and respected this city, the police, my neighbors and everyone I meet more. Love is stronger than hate. Always.

Instead I want to touch upon a subject that a lot of people can relate to; waiting.

It's something we do. We wait in lines. We wait for the weekend. We wait for someone who is late. We wait in traffic. We wait for the right person to come along. We wait for vacation. We wait for someone to fix us. We wait for happiness. 

I wish that word didn't exist. We're not waiting, we're just being, we're living. It's still minutes, days, weeks, years of our lives that pass by, but we name it waiting instead of living. 

I have had issues with waiting, and especially when it comes to appointments that other people are late for. But yesterday as I was waiting for someone who I knew would be late, I sat down and I did a semi-meditation. It was so peaceful and I didn't mind "waiting" because I filled that time with doing something I enjoy.

A lot of people wait for something all the time. If it's not just waiting for the bus that's late, it's waiting to find the "perfect" partner. Some people find that person and they are still in waiting mode, for that person to do this or that or until they become the person you want them to be.

I want to challenge the entire system. Why do you wait? Do you think life will be better later? When you're on vacation? When your spouse magically turns in to the perfect person? Do you want to look back on a 12 month period and only remember that one week you were in Spain on vacation, or do you want to remember all the moments, like that time you and your colleagues laughed at someones joke on a "boring" rainy Monday? Or only remember that one time your girlfriend/boyfriend/date gave you a special gift or said something memorable, instead of also remembering and valuing the talk the two of you had that was tough but brought you closer to each other and to understanding one another, or just eating breakfast in silence with your feet playing under the table?

I believe we will be able to gain so much more in life and appreciate life so much more if we start to appreciate the here and now, what we have and where we're at now. We can collect memories every single day.

Every moment counts, here and now. Monday morning meetings count, because it's 2 hours of our lives, and every minute counts. It's our lives people. Our lives. The moments won't come back, they're here and now. Even if the situation you're in is super boring or if you know that something you look forward too will happen on Saturday, try to fill the space with something meaningful and appreciate the moment.

It's up to us to fill our lives with meaning. We cannot wish away our days, they're too valuable. Way too valuable.

Trust the entire process

There's one thing I will never stop believing in, and that is my own ability.

I believe we all have everything we need within ourselves. We can create motivation, we can inspire ourselves, make a decision to be happy, to be grateful, and we can allow ourselves to dream big, and most importantly; we can trust that those dreams will become reality. Sometimes, we forget this.

I woke up yesterday and I knew what I had to to. I needed to take a day to simply reflect on the path that I'm on careerwise. I work within b2b selling, and everyone who has ever worked in sales know that it is the best job in the entire world, when deals keep rolling in. We also know that it's the toughest, most stressful job in the entire world when you're struggling.

Yesterday, I looked back on my 10 months doing this job. I've been successful and I've felt really good about myself and my contribution to the company. This past month though, it's been tougher.
There's a clear correlation here; In the beginning of march, I started doubting myself and my ability. I started this month with worry, and I allowed myself to lose focus.

And what happens when I start worrying and doubting myself in any area? I place blame on myself. I have this notion now, within, that I know better. I know that I can't start doubting myself. I'm smarter than that. I write this blog, and I talk about the importance of positive thinking, creating prosperity, and loving ourselves. I do know that, and 95% of the time I do practice what I preach. But I clearly have days and weeks when I fail to live by my lives mottos.

This is what could happen:
1. I lose focus and allow doubt to enter my life
2. I realize that I allowed myself to lose focus
3. I blame myself for the fact that I allowed myself to lose focus
4. I get disappointed in myself for blaming myself.

BUT, I stopped myself before I got to number 4. It's completely fine to lose focus and "fail" sometimes! It's a part of the process. I, like everyone else, need to trust the entire process. I want to keep learning about myself, my weaknesses and my strengths, to become the very best version of me, and that is what I'm doing. 

As long as I stay true to what I believe in most of the time, and do everything I can to contribute to my own self development, I'm more than successful!

I put up about 10 quotes by Napoleon Hill at my desk a few weeks ago, just to remind myself to constantly keep my goals in mind, and this is one that truly I appreciate:

“Before success comes in any man’s life, he is sure to meet with much temporary defeat, and, perhaps, some failure. When defeat overtakes a man, the easiest and most logical thing to do is to quit. That is exactly what the majority of men do. More than five hundred of the most successful men this country has ever known told that their greatest success came just one step beyond the point at which defeat had overtaken them.” 

Trust the process of life. All we can do is to keep rising when we fall, keep taking the steps we need in order to move forward. Sometimes you will feel the wind beneath your wings and take huge steps, sometimes you will take baby steps, and sometimes you will have to be OK with the fact that you need to sit down, don't take any steps at all, and just reflect for a while. 

Double happiness

Like all of you know by now, I'm fascinated by the brain.

When I was 17, the only thing about school that was fun, was psychology and philosophy. 

When I took a  Philosophy class again in California, I had to go see my teacher during his office hours about halfway through the class. I sat down and I told him that I thought I was losing my mind, for real. 

He smiled and said; "then you're doing very well in this class".

Talking about what everyone seems to be thinking lies beyond us, things we can't ever get an answer to, are my favorite topics in the world;

What I am? Am I my brain? Do I have a soul? What does the soul look like? Is it really logic that I as a woman can carry another human being inside my body for 9 months? What is attraction? 

How can the Universe be endless, and at the same time expand? Where in this Universe are all the other living species? Because quite frankly, we are beyond stupid if we believe we are the only planet in this endless universe that has life. 

I also think a lot about life obviously, and the one thing that I continuously come back to; Love. Love for yourself. Love yourself so that you can love others.  I know that a lot of people who read this still just think it's plain bullshit. People seem to think that when all the outer circumstances fall in to place, it will all be good, and they will love themselves. And I respect that, all I can do is try to tell it so that you see where I'm coming from.

It's crystal clear to me, because if you don't love yourself, look down on yourself and find faults with the human being that you are, you will never believe that another person truly loves you because you have an imprinted "knowledge" that you are no good. What happens when you don't believe another person loves you? Jealousy happens. Fear of being betrayed happens. Insecurity happens. No relationship survives that.

What happens when you love yourself and someone else loves you? Double happiness. You have no doubt in your mind. It's all love, and it's all trust. 

As I wrote this now, I went up and changed the headline of this post. Because I realized that I just understood the meaning of the necklace from Japan that my professor at Antioch University gave me that is placed in my hallway in this apartment. 

Her name is Anna Kwong, and she asked me to fill in for her during a class she was teaching at City College since she would be in Japan at the time. I did, and when she got back we met up and she gave me a necklace as a thank you gift. I asked her what the symbol meant, and she told me: Double Happiness. 

Double happiness is to be able to love yourself, and because of that being able to let love in from others. And believe it full heartedly.

Wow.

Why every single day matters

I'm finishing my 4th week of the mindfulness course that I'm currently in. The thing that is so fascinating about this course is that you one day just kind of wake up and realize that you have actually changed.

The one thing that I noticed about 2 weeks ago was mind-blowing. It was a friday, and I was at work. The topic of the day, just like any other friday was "I love that it's friday!" "Wow, isn't it great that it's friday". You get the picture.

I got home that day and thought about the fact that what day it is doesn't matter in my world. At all. Everyday is today. The time of the day is right now. I'm me whenever, what ever time it is or whatever day it is.

It's up to me to live in the moment, and make the most of it, every single day.

I never want to live for the weekend again, because the weekend consists of 2 days, while the entire week is 7 days. Every single day is equally important, because it's a day in my life.
Every day is an opportunity for me to discover new things, see new people, smile at strangers, tell friends, loved ones and family how much I appreciate them, hold the door up for the person behind me, wish the cashier at the supermarket a good day and look them in the eye while  I'm saying "Thank you".

I've noticed that the appreciation that I give out every day is returned to me in so many ways. What is better than making someone else feel good about themselves? It's sooooo easy. Just tell the people in your life what they're good at, and how glad you are that they are the exact way they are.

I'm 31 years old, and if I'm lucky, I will be alive for about 60 more years. If I make sure that every day is just as important as that Saturday when I get to sleep in or go on a fun trip, I will live an extremely happy life.

Because life is now.
Life is this moment.
Life is today.

As of right now, I've completely dropped the "I can't wait for this, or that, or when that happens"
I have goals ahead like everyone else and I have days that I long for more than others, but all that will be when it will be. Right now I just have to live for today and make sure I appreciate it.

Don't wish away your days. Because the reality is; you never know what will happen in the future, but you know what is happening here and now.

The seeds you are planting here and now are the ones that will grow in to beautiful plants in the future. But what do seeds need to grow? They will need nurturing every day. That's why every single day matters. 

The one post that doesn't require a headline

I'm home.

When I got home, I put my luggage in the hallway, and almost immediately took a shower. As I was standing in the shower, using ridiculously hot water, I repeated to myself; "I'm home" several times, loudly to myself.
I felt something so close to complete safety, and I felt an immense amount of gratitude.

I'm home.

Everywhere I've ever lived in this world, from the houses I grew up in Västerås, my own apartments in the same town, to the places I stayed in Santa Barbara, I've always had the feeling of it being temporary. I've always been on my way somewhere else.

The first time I entered my current apartment it felt like home. I knew instantly. I had found the place where my whole being will feel safe, and be able to grow and evolve because of it.
Obviously I wont live here for the rest of my life, but I will for as long as I need to.

Something happened during my time in California. The things I needed to learn and the amount of growth that living there gave me is done and done. I loved being there though, and be close to people that allow me to be me, completely, and I'm talking about someone in particular who is so special to me that my eyes tear up now as I write this; Linda.

I can't imagine anyone else in my life who has had such an important impact on me in a relatively short amount of time. You are a star. A real one. I will never ever apologize for my spiritual and intuitive side again. It's the one part of me that has always longed to be recognized. Thank you for everything you've ever given me and taught me.

-

Since I got home, I've heard several people tell me that I'm "glowing". I'm not surprised. This is because I'm letting go of restrictions from myself. I'm allowing me to me, and to be completely honest, I have never ever ever ever been so calm and so comfortable in my own skin.

I'm a person. Behind my body, my looks, the way I walk and talk. And that person is whats important, what matters, and what needs to be cherished. By myself above all others. But it's also what I will demand of others to cherish. 

I look the way I do, and I like taking care of my body. I like my super pink lipsticks, all my shoes and the way I dress. I won't change that, because it's the way I have chosen to be seen and reflected from the outside.
All that though, becomes irrelevant depending on how I feel on the inside.

Beauty comes from radiating from the inside, and that's where my glow comes from.

-

How do you feel? What do you need? And I'm talking about what YOU need to be happy and calm, not what you think will make you look cool to the outer world, the surface level.

Eliminate work from the equation for a second. Eliminate the way you look for a second. Eliminate what you plan for the future for a second. Eliminate what ever happened in your past for a second. Eliminate what you are scared or worried about for a second.
All that's left is you. Now. The true real you behind the thoughts, the plans, the stress, the anxiety, the anticipation. When you're in that state of mind, I believe you will know what it is that's home to you, what you need to feel calm.

To the people in my life who seek support who has recognized that I'm very good at that, I will be able to hold your hand, but I will never be able to drag you. You need to do and want to do the walking on your own.


Yep, I'm home.
And I will have to work on staying in this state of mind for the rest of my life. I can't promise I won't lose my way from time to time, but I will do my best. Because the people I care deeply for, including myself, need me to be me, because of the simple equation;
when I lose me completely, I will lose them too.