Back to California..

I'm all packed and almost ready for bed and I'm filled with mixed emotions.

I'm gonna get on that Norwegian plane to LA tomorrow that I've been on so many times, but this time it's completely different. I'm not going "home" now.

I understand that it might sound weird to some people, but this trip will symbolize the first time I'm going back to where it all started after making the decision to move back to Sweden; this blog, my studies, living in a different country, discovering my spiritual side on a whole different level, all the friendships I made, the love I experienced. I'm going back to the place where I created a new life.

Right now I can't even imagine how it will feel to walk down to the beach, sit down in the sand and look at the waves like I did thousands of times before. Trust me, there will be tears involved.

I'm gonna see all the people that I saw on a regular basis that I haven't seen in 15 months or more..It's almost surreal.

I've imagined this so many times since September last year, and it's happening tomorrow. California has a very very special place in my heart. Not just because I spent 4 years living there, but because it changed me. I owe my strength, my self-confidence, my standing on my own two feet to that place. I'm so glad I made the decision to go there now, timing couldn't have been any better.

I'll try to write updates during these 2 weeks, but don't count on it. I'll probably be too busy hugging people and walk down streets reminiscing..

The greatest win of all

31 years of living has taught me something. Something not so tangible, but oh so real. 

I've learned. I've grown. I've matured. This is the greatest win of all times, because I'm proud of who I am and the woman I've turned in to. I'm unique, and I'm awesome. This is the receipt.

Everything life has ever thrown at me, I've managed to fight back, and every situation has made my skin thicker. My life and my past has been my teacher, and I've done my homework.

The thing is (and I'm saying this with all humbleness); I know that I've managed to come further in life than the majority of people who are my age and older too. I'm more curious about life, our feelings, why you feel certain things and why you act in certain ways, and I've always loved to read about the human brain and how our attitude changes everything. I've tried to apply everything I've learned, self-taught myself, and I see things in others that I'm not even sure if they see themselves, just like I know myself pretty damn well. Good and bad personality traits obviously. Self awareness is everything, and the first step to making positive changes.

I haven't been quite as good at practicing what I've preached, until now.

I'm using the tools I have collected through time, the ones that I've just kept fumbling around with, and I finally know how to use them. This is just the beginning too though, I will never stop learning and collect even more knowledge and tools, and I'm excited about that. 

My weird and wonderful brain is the best thing I've got right now, and it always will be. It always was.

My only wish and one thing I'm unsure about if I've learned for real is the ability to communicate what is happening in that brain of mine, and the ability to ask what is going on in other people's brains to learn what they need from me in order to be understanding and supportive. No one is a mind reader, and I certainly am not either. I've never been good with words I know that all too well, I'm good at writing. 

But you know what..time will tell. Only time will tell, because the future is completely blank.

Scary and amazing, just like life itself.

Do we really want to feel miserable?

I decided a few weeks ago to really work on myself again, and I felt that I needed a little help along the way to make sure I get on the right path again.

I registered for a writing course during a weekend at a university here in Stockholm, I signed up for a 6 week online course that's called "Use your potential" and the day after I had a talk with one of my soul sisters back in California, I got offered an 8 week mindfulness class FOR FREE from a company that works with educating people in mindfulness.

It all feels amazing, and the feeling of knowing that I'm doing all this and investing this time solely for myself and no one else is the best feeling ever. 

I just took part of the second lesson in the potential class and I'm left sitting on the couch staring out in to the open. 

I realized that I want so many things in life, but the way I act is sometimes holding me back. Or, let me rephrase; not so much the way I act, but the way I automatically think. The thoughts that are buried in my mind that have created patterns my entire life are so easy to just fall back into. 

Why is it that we have a tendency to want to feel miserable? You think I'm really stupid writing that just now don't you? But seriously, it's like it's easier for us to just think that everything and everyone is against us, and let negative thoughts take over. We can create stories in our heads and believe they are true, we can even feel that it's true because our made up thoughts have convinced us.

Shouldn't it be just as easy to come up with wonderful, happy, awesome stories in our heads and believe them? Feel that they are real, the same way we think the negative stuff is real? Imagine the energy we would radiate if we did that. 

Why is it that we choose miserable?

We have the power to choose, but why is it so much harder to believe in positivity? Are humans that damaged? Why is it that we seem to be programmed to fall back into negative patterns?

I want nothing else but to break free from negativity entirely. I want to be able to really focus on all the good things I have in my life and treasure it all. This is why I make active choices now, and take all these classes to be able to strengthen my brain. 

It must be possible to erase the old negative patterns in our minds, and just thinking about it makes me feel liberated. 

Our own thoughts are usually our own worst enemy, but I'm certain that with the right tools, the person we truly are will be able to kick those bastard thoughts to the ground and plant seeds of love instead.

Where focus goes, energy flows

Looking back at my life, I've put a lot a lot of pressure on myself. At least since my early 20's. It's not the kind of pressure that most people put on themselves though..I think. More of an expectation. I expect myself to be among the best, to get acknowledged for what I do and for people to look up to me. So it's more of a weird self-love and admiration that I don't really know how to explain, or if it's a good or bad thing, it just is.

All I know is that I put a lot of focus in to doing well, when it comes to my job, my body, my happiness, and the way I see myself. And, like the headline says; Where focus goes, energy flows. 

I get energized and satisfied by knowing that I actually AM the person that I expect myself to be.

This might sound like I'm just bragging about myself but that's not at all what I'm doing. I'm trying to explain the fact that we need to be such firm believers in who are, and how we want to be seen.

I am confident, and I'm not afraid to say that I am, but I am extremely humble, and according to me that's the best combination you can get. 

BUT, the important but here, is that these are MY thoughts. You need to make sure that the person you are, and how you are seen by others is the best combination you could possibly think of.

I love that I can tell the world that I'm super proud of who I am. I'm proud of the fact that I am a leo, the typical leader, that I'm an ENFP, that I work hard, that I make sure to get my workouts done at 5.30 am (which most people think is completely insane), that I communicate well now and speak up when I feel that something's not right, that I still meditate when I need to, that I can charm the hell out of most people when I need to, etc etc.

What are you proud of? Focus on that. If you put a lot of focus on what you don't like about yourself, the energy will flow there and it can be a dangerous negative energy..

Focus on the good.

Do good.

Because we all know that when we feel the positivity, more positive things happen, and we can ride that wave for a long long time.  

Focus on all the things that will make you happy, not the things that might put you down. The downward spiral of negative thinking is a dark black hole that no one should fall in to, and speaking from experience, it's very hard to climb up the walls. When you've done it though, you've grown mentally and you're so fucking strong that you won't allow yourself to ever fall in again..

Expect miracles

I'm feeling content. Right here, and right now. I'm at peace in this very moment.

I've struggled with negative thinking my entire life. Worrying. Stressing. Expecting things to go wrong. Up until I realized that it's the worst way possible to use the most powerful tool I have; my brain.

At this very moment, I'm wondering how the hell I could've ever used my mind to come up with the worst possible outcome in every situation. Why did I do it? To prepare my self so that I wouldn't get disappointed? What if the best possible outcome happens and I've expected the worst, would I still be able to be genuinely happy about the outcome or would half of it be relief that it didn't go straight to hell?

It's so simple. Really.

Look forward to tomorrow.
Love the walk to your job in the morning.
Breathe in the fresh air, and be grateful for it.
Give out hugs.
Smile.
Love.

Good things do happen.
Expect miracles. 

Because if you don't, you've lost the most important function in our brain; our imagination.
If you keep expecting the worst, you're waisting energy. Expect the best and feel the butterflies in your stomach instead.
Sure, if you expect the best and the worst happens, you'll be disappointed. But if you expect the worst and it happens, the disappointment lasts twice as long and you "suffer twice" as I've been writing about before.

Focus your energy on believing in life.

I know, I know, some of you will say I'm naive. I've heard that before, but at least I believe that life can and will be amazing, instead of thinking it will throw shit at me. Sure, I have my downfalls and I worry sometimes but I prefer believing in positivity and turning those thoughts around. You know..you can actually do that, because you own and master your mind.

I've believed in a life filled with joy, purpose and love since I was a little girl, why stop now?

Getting to know yourself

To me, there's nothing more rewarding than getting to know myself and something that I'm proud of is that I recently started to make confessions to myself.

I do, because there are some things that I think we all think or feel sometimes that we're not super proud of. So instead of trying to just get rid of the feeling, panicking a little, shake my head and think "I'm not like that, I don't feel like that", I literally stop, and I reflect.  Yes, I'm actually feeling like this. Fuck, what should I do? Or, do I need to take action or is it just OK to feel like this?
Is the feeling valid? Where did it come from? Is it really based on facts or did I create something in my mind?

Very often, or no, 10 times out of 10, it comes from sh*t I've made up from scratch in my all so imaginary brain. I know that my mind is capable of creating physical pain in my body, I've experienced that one too many times now. I have written about how strong I've become and that stress or anxiety will never ever be allowed to ruin my wellbeing again.

Well, guess what. It happened. But. BUT, that doesn't mean that stress is here to stay, or that I will fall back in to some out of control state of mind. No. I have hundreds of lessons that I've learned that come well in handy now. I've learned all of them on this lifelong journey of getting to know me.

There are other situations where I do the same thing. I reflect on a feeling and come up with the same conclusion time and time again; My thoughts are like wild horses sometimes. But it's ok. It really is. I know who I am, and I know my reactions in some situations. The important thing is to not act on impuls to that reaction, and to reflect (is this really real?), because if not, it might end up hurting someone else or yourself.

Just because your reality is crystal clear to you, it doesn't mean other people will know your every thought. Think about it, the only way to try to get someone to understand you is to communicate. Someone else won't understand when you get back after you've reflected, saying "I didn't mean that, I'm not like that". Because yes, you ARE like that, but you don't have to act on it. Stop and think about it before. My advice to everyone is to confess to yourself that you do have feelings that you're not proud of, and that you know they're in your head, and that you want to learn how to deal with them. Because getting to know yourself and make these confessions is the first step to TRULY accepting who you are. When you get to know you, it will be so much easier to communicate with others, and to be honest.

No one is perfect. You can't strive for perfect, but you can learn from past lessons. You can learn how to communicate better.  With others, but also; with yourself. By making confessions.

The fear that lies within

I am a visionary person, I see the week from monday to friday as a flipped D and I see the year divided and in 2 lines like these: 

\\

I see my entire lifeline as one long diagonal line, in this direction / only not as steep.

The years are divided in to decades, and I think that's why I don't experience the common anxiety that people tend to have concerning their age. Because I kind of see 21 as the same as 29, since it's within the same "box". 

Now that I'm 31, I'm only in the third box of life, the third one out of nine. (Because in my mind I'm gonna leave this planet sometime in my 90's). 

The decade between 0-10 is kind of hard to define, but I do remember thinking a lot about life. One very specific thing that I learned in this box, was that I was a human being. Duh, right? But really, I thought about it in a different way. I remember that when I was in the bathroom, on the toilet seat, I always, ALWAYS, stared at one specific spot, right where the floor met the wall, and I thought to myself repeatedly: "I am me" I transcended to a stage deep within that was super cool, but I had to stop myself every single time since it scared me so much. I still did it all the time though because it was such an amazing thing, to actually realize that I was someone in this human body.

I was able to get to a sacred space which is my core self, at a very young age.

I think that was my starting point, from where I have developed and kept exploring this amazing tool, called our minds. 

It hasn't been an easy ride, and it still isn't. The journey resulted in panic attacks, depression, a great great fear of this life, and a scepticism; I have wanted t challenge the "rules of our society" since I was very young. 

My greatest fear in life is to fall victim to these rules, and to wake up one day when I'm in box 4 or 5 and realize that I actually do have regrets. I don't think that I'll ever allow that, because I know what I need to do in this box to turn my biggest dream in to reality, but it's still a fear.

I don't usually talk a lot about what I actually want to do, and what kind of life I want to live, because when I do, I see the reaction in people's eyes (the "omg, how are you this naive" look).

When I've talked about waiting for a love that's out of this world; a cool love story to tell everyone about, extreme attraction, my very best friend, crazy passion, fireworks, staring in to each others eyes forever and seeing the other persons soul, a love so strong that nothing will ever be able to break it, people have told me that I'll never experience that, because it doesn't exist.  You are too picky they've said, you have too high demands, no one will be able to give you all that, because then I would have to meet someone who wants the same thing and no one is that naive..

But I've stayed true to what I want, accepting nothing less. 

I want to live the life of my dreams, and to be able to do that I have to stay true to every single aspect of it. I need a plan. Because I actually have a scene in my mind, where I'm making money doing exactly what I want, having two places in different parts of the world that I call home, showing my 2 little kiddos the world starting at a very early age.

The years pass by so fast, and if we allow the autopilot to take over our minds, and settle in to what it comfortable, I think that there might be regrets. At least for me.

I know where I want to be, and I will start taking the small steps. Now. I just took the first one right here. Box 3, great things will happen here..

The journey is more important than the goal

When you're new at work, all you can think about is: "I can't wait till I'm comfortable in this role".
When you're in school you just wanna graduate.
When you've just met someone that you really like, you can't wait till you feel grounded in the relationship, and feel secure.

Although..

When you're comfortable in your role at work, you might have entered the hamster wheel and you're not motivated anymore.
When you've graduated school, you'll enter the world of trying to find a job, and all you want is to just find a job instead.
When you're secure in that relationship, do you take each other for granted?

My point is: don't rush things. Enjoy the way things are. When you're new at work, everything's new and exciting, and you're so motivated!
When you're in school, you have the freedom to choose when and where you wanna study. You're surrounded by classmates, by inspiring teachers and motivating classes.
When you've met someone you like, it's the excitement and the "not taking anything for granted" feeling that is so amazing!

The years actually pass by faster and faster the older you get. I say it all the time, but don't wish away your days, waiting for something new and better.



To make it the best journey possible is the goal. It's the work you have to put in to reach that goal that is the important part because that's where you learn, that's where you set the standard for the turnout.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to have goals, not at all. You need goals to stay motivated in life, but what I'm saying is that you should enjoy the ride, and learn from the ride.


Happy friday people, I'm enjoying my last 2 days as a 30 year old...

Balancing Togetherness and Individuality

I like to surround myself with people who are different from me. Because it's cool to be inspired by others and listen to what other people dream about, who they are and what they're interested in.

If I end up trying something new because someone else talks about all the advantages and benefits of it, I'm super excited! That's awesome. 

Although, it's important to remember that in any relationship, you don't have to do everything together and you certainly don't have to like all the same things. I'm a big fan of having different interests, so that you keep your individual life.

I think I've written about this before, I can't really remember. But the big picture here is that it's crucial to be the person you are and to follow your own hearts will. 

I think it does nothing but backfire on you, when you by own will turn to all the interests and hobbies of another person because you think that they might like you more, or you think they want you to, or because you want to be able to do everything together. It's suuuuuper important to have core beliefs, values and interests in common, but I think having your own interests too is a key to success in a relationship.

This is because I have parents who have been happily married for 34 years. 

My mom loves to read, my dad has read one book in his entire life.

My dad plays professional tennis, my mom tried it out...once.

My mom designed and created her own clothing for years and have an interest in fashion, my dad..well, he walks into a store to buy new jeans or a shirt maybe once a year.

My dad can spend entire afternoons watching sports, and my mom will happily watch her murder case series on another device.

I can't even count the number of times that my mom have told me:

"Remember to always stand on your own feet, even when you're married or in a serious relationship"

If you turn in to the couple who has to do everything together, you might loose your friends, and most importantly: you might loose YOU.

When you insist on doing everything together, you won't ever miss each other. 

Stay true to your interests. Do stuff alone. Do stuff with friends. Do stuff with your boyfriend/girlfriend and all of your friends. Do stuff that you as a couple both love doing and do it together! Because obviously you have to do things that belong to the two of you and that belong in the life that you have created together.

But I really believe in living your own life, balancing the life you live in togetherness. 

What I left behind

I'm used to saying that I just moved back home after 4 years in California. The thing is though..in 6-7 weeks, it's been a year.

In a weird way that I can't explain, that makes me feel like I'm loosing a big part of myself. Every day brings me further away from my life there. 

Something that not a lot of people know, and that will sound like the silliest thing in the world, is that I had this pillow...A pillow that was my best cuddlebud. I'd had it forever and it had this special smell, that I became addicted to. Hugging that pillow and plying with the corners of it made me feel incredibly safe. 

You can ask my roommates at the time. Every time I felt down or was stressed, I went into my room and I grabbed that pillow and sat with it in front of the tv. I didn't even think about it, I just knew that I needed it so I went and grabbed it.

When I left Santa Barbara on September 19th, I left that pillow. It was supposed to be my reason to return, because it was a huge part of my life, and like I said, I was addicted to it. I left a bunch of stuff, but my pillow was the only thing that I thought was painful to leave behind. 

I didn't return. 

I have no idea where that pillow is today, and when I think about it, it actually makes my stomach turn. I have to see the pillow as the one thing I had to leave behind to somehow move on with my life. It stayed with me through all the good and bad that was my time in Cali. 

I hugged it super tight during the flight that left Stockholm January 4th 2012, and I left it in the closet on 124 Oceano Avenue on September 19th 2015. 

It's been almost a year..but just like my pillow, I have to let go and not see my time in California as what defines me. It's an amazing experience and it will always be a huge part of my life, but at the same time, it's a chapter that's over. My story continues, and it does so in Stockholm, Sweden.

Forgiveness.

I'm thinking about forgiveness.
How many times have you said the words "I forgive you", and truly felt that you meant it? If someone's done something to you that requires you to forgive them, is it enough to just say the words I forgive you and then move on?

Nope.

I believe in forgiveness and I believe that it has two separate functions.

Every single person in this world has done and will keep making mistakes. You can choose to say that you forgive a person for something that they've done, but you have to make sure that you do with every single part of you, because once you say that you forgive, you can't bring it up in the next fight. Are you able to let go of the hurt and leave it behind? Or do you say you forgive them because you're scared of being alone and to loose that person?

If someone lets you down, they do something unexpected.

True forgiveness is when you let go of the hope that the future could have been different.

Our brains are programmed to plan stuff and with planning comes expectations. I believe it's a safety mechanism, because it's scary as hell not knowing what the future might bring right? 

Expectations can be so dangerous though, because this life comes with zero guarantees. 

When you forgive someone and do it with your entire being, you are making a statement that you will let it go and you will keep that person in your life. They are truly sorry and you will never ever punish them for that mistake, because you forgave them.

The other function that forgiveness has is when you forgive someone who's no longer in your life. A person that is not the slightest bit sorry for what they did to you. This type of forgiveness is super hard. But it's the same principle: True forgiveness is when you let go of the hope that the future could have been different.

When you come to the realization that things will never be the way you once expected (the dangerous expectations) you need to forgive that person to be able to let go. 

Let go of them, and let go of the hope that you held on to for so long. 

And don't forget to forgive yourself for holding on for so long.

Like I once wrote before: to be able to allow new better things to enter your life, you need to let go of the old stuff from the past. Because no matter how hard you try to carry it all, the new and the old, the old stuff will weigh you down, and eventually make you drop the entire weight and maybe leave you with nothing. Make sure the things you carry are light, loving and bring you nothing but joy.

Repair yourself

I ran in to a picture online about a year ago:

It got to me, straight to the heart. That pottery has character now. It's been broken but it's fixed with gold and it's pretty cool right? It's unique.

In between the age of 21-26 I went through panic attacks, severe depression, saw a therapist, couldn't work for 6 months, did multiple tests to see what was wrong with my heart, went on beta blockers to control the heartbeat, had ultrasounds, severe cell changes in the cervix stage 3 which is a pre-stage to cancer, had surgery, developed eating disorders..and went through a terrible heartbreak. 

But I got through it all. My parents, my friends, the support from others, and most of all, my own will and my vision to be this strong person, was and still is my gold. The gold that put the broken pieces back together. I believe I've got character today, I believe in myself in a way that not a lot of people do.

Us humans have such an amazing support system that heals us from anything. The body supports us, and say a heartbreak will eventually stop hurting physically, but our mindset is what will make the bigger difference. 

Don't close your mind, open it up. Seriously. Where you're at now won't be where you're at in the future. Picture all the possibilities. Take wisdom from past hardships, and remember that you've been through bad times before and you made it through. 

You will again. You've been fixed before, and life isn't about finding perfection, because you will be hurt, sad or broken again that's something we all know. Life is about finding the gold that will be your glue, the glue that will be there for life, and the gold that makes you..you. 

Repair yourself. The fucked up things that smashes you into peaces is what you can look back on and say thank you to. You learn from everything. Value that.

This is me.

Something happened to me tonight. I was watching this movie, that I picked out of a list of movies that a special someone sent me, and all of a sudden I just started crying. Out of the blue.
I had to hit pause, and sit up and just cry hysterically. I put my hand over my belly and I felt my tears running all the way down to the neck and suddenly I felt an urge to look up past lives.

I read about how we tend to remember scenes from past lives during the day but mostly while we are asleep and are dreaming. In every life, we try to make up for past mistakes.
Somehow, I think that I started crying tonight simply because I felt like I have made so many mistakes during my lifetime and something in a scene from that movie reminded me of that. I felt such a strong urge to make up for all my past mistakes so that I can find some sort of peace, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find it for real.

I was a horrible teenager. My mom and dad went through hell raising me. I was insecure all the way in to my late 20's, and in some ways I still am.
I've had a tendency to seek attention and validation in different ways my entire life, and somehow I never feel like I'm good enough. No matter how many times people tell me that I am smart, talented, beautiful, etc, I can't take it in. That's because I need to truly believe it myself and tell all those things to myself, and mean it from the bottom of my heart. 100%. I would say that I'm somewhere around 75%, and I'm working on it.

Tying back to reading about past lives, I got a deeper understanding to why I feel the way I do every morning that I wake up. For about 3-10 seconds, just as I'm opening my eyes, I feel something that can't be described in words. I feel myself from within. It's a mix of anxiety vs the coolest feeling you can ever imagine. I feel that I'm a alive, and that I'm a thinking creature with some much depth. I believe the body and the soul are two different components of the human being, and I feel my soul as I wake up, because that's when I'm as vulnerable as I can possibly be, and I'm somewhere between asleep and awake.

My life is changing right now, since I just switched careers, and when life takes turns I have a tendency to feel a bit uneasy, and unsafe. I need to go deep into myself to be reminded that even though life changes around me, I'm still the same person.
That's why I'm at home right now, blogging and just thinking on a Friday night instead of drinking, and that's why I looked up a shop close by where a woman can see and read auras. I'm planning on visiting her tomorrow. I need to figure out what I can do to deal with my past mistakes so that they don't keep following me.

To think and feel this much truly is a blessing and a curse, because I understand that people who aren't like me or can't relate at all just think that I'm losing my mind. I actually love the way I am and my ability to connect with the me inside, but sometimes I can't handle the anxiety that comes along with analyzing and feeling life too much.


Anyways, this is probably one of the most confusing posts I've ever written, and I'm sorry about that but it had to leave my body.

Happy weekend to all of you.

My advice to myself

Something everyone who's reading this blog need to know is that I write this stuff, this mambojumbo, these beliefs, solely as advice to myself. It's a gift that I have, and yes I see it as a gift, to be able to be my very own therapist. I have written some amazing things, and I can go back to re-read my posts to be reminded. 

This blog is my sacred place and I'm really proud of it. I LOVE the fact that people from more than 20 countries have come to visit my blog over the years and I am so grateful for the comments that are posted by people who I don't know or have a personal connection to. I don't think you know how much that means, especially since my number one dream in this life is to be able to stand in front of a crowd of thousands of people whom have read what I've wrote and who I can inspire.

Like I wrote in my last post, I have a lot of time to think these days. I'm reading, listening to clips, watching videos online etc. All to collect inspiration. This morning, 2 things came across me that was so spot on that it actually gave me chills.

I'm gonna write about the first thing in this post and the second thing in the next one.

Listen to this:

In order for new, better things to come in to your life you need to make sure you have space for it. 

I think I can speak for the most of us when I say that we all want more of what we love. We would like to travel more, have more money, more energy to do things, more clothing etc etc. Right?

But..we can't ask for more when we have our hands full. Where would it fit? And this is a metaphor. Try to visualize the things, the stresses, the thoughts that you're holding on to, as if you're holding it in your hands. For me it would be:

-the struggle of having the perfect body

-the stress of not having enough money

-the anxious feeling of not finding my person

-all the people that I have not yet been able to forgive from the past

-the pressure I put on myself as an employee, to always do every task flawlessly 

I certainly have my hands full, because these are just a few examples. How can I ever expect new good things to come and just swoop all those things away and replace them? It won't happen until I let them go and make space for new things. 

I hope you understand what I'm trying to explain. It's all in your head. The negativity you hold on to is working as an invisible shield covering you, and making sure new better things can't find their way in. Plus, I also think that IF the good things were to make their way in anyways, they wouldn't last long because old thoughts, insecurities and habits have a way of destroying things. Negativity is so powerful, it's actually frightening. I have experienced that.

No one and nothing will ever be able to fix you. Your feelings toward yourself will. You are the example. You set the example of how life will treat you. Love you, treat yourself the way you want life and others to treat you. It makes perfect sense, at least it does for me. 

The expression "you have to truly love yourself before you can love someone else" should be rephrased to: "you have to truly love yourself before someone else can love you". 

Look a little further

Before I moved to California and still lived in my apartment in downtown Vasteras, I remember reading a book and I think it was written by Paolo Coelho. He wrote about how people create a "magical space" which consist of 5 meters. We have that circle around us, and about 95 % of everything we see and notice are things that are inside these 5 meters. When you think about it you realize that it's true.

To be able to really see the world we need to look beyond these 5 meters. In that particular book, a woman started seeking the horizon. She started seeing beyond those meters and raised her head to see the horizon and she described it as "her soul grew". 

That quote hit me today and I don't even know why. I think I've been stuck in my little 5 m bubble more or less since I moved back home. It's a safe space indeed. I'm so ready to expand it again though. A lot. 

I need to challenge myself, and I'm talking about challenges that will make me a better person, not challenges that turn me in to a stressed and bad person. I need to see the bigger picture, look further, seek the horizon, see all the amazing things that surround me every day.

 I've been so hard on myself for a long time, and I haven't seen more than probably 2 meters around me. About a month ago, I walked 20 meters behind my best friend all the way to work and I didn't see her until we both had to stop at a red light. I was so caught up in my thoughts and my stress. I think that was my final wakeup call.

I truly believe that challenges are what makes you grow, but you need to listen to your gut. I finally listened and I made a decision that changed my life over night basically. I'm more than grateful for everything that I've learned since September, but it's time to learn new things and listen to what my heart says.

I've had time to sleep in now, workout as long as I want, read all my amazing books, talk to myself in the mirror, and most importantly: I WANT to meditate again! I've been doing it a few times a week more or less since I moved to Sweden but I've felt like I've been forcing myself. I look forward to it again now and that's HUGE, and I'm so happy about it. 

My soul grew so much during my years in California, but it managed to shrink back when I started letting other people and circumstances control me, and that's all my fault. I'm so ready to expand again and I'm suuuuuper excited about this summer! My gut tells me it will be the best summer so far in my life and I'm really proud of myself for listening to my body and my heart. 

Change comes from YOU, no one else. Don't ever blame others. You have the power, and you're in control. If you don't stand for opinions or actions of others, you don't have to keep them in your life. 

Surround yourself with people who can lift you up. People who will help your soul grow.

I'm re-reading "the power" right now, and this one quote had stuck with me all day:

" A change of feeling is a change of destiny."

Your perception of the world is what create your entire life. Life is amazing, I'm telling you, you just have to look a little further, and see the horizon. 

Love.

The best I ever wrote

I just woke up, and made coffee. I still haven't put my contacts on and I'm not wearing glasses so I'm stuck inside my bubble. Do you understand what I mean when I describe it as a bubble? And that I'm stuck in it?

I can't see clearly, not even 50 cm ahead of me. It's blurry, and I can't see any details. Once I put my glasses on or my contacts, I can see everything that surrounds me, and it's a feeling of freedom every time. I need help to get to this feeling of freedom though, because I was unfortunate to be born with terrible vision. I need external help to be able to see the world. I know that I need glasses in order to see.

If you're wondering what I'm babbling about, I'm actually trying to make a point. Because in my opinion, there are a lot of people who don't see their own potential, and all the opportunities that this world offers every single day.  It's because people walk around in their bubbles day in and day out and don't realize that there is actually "help" that will open their minds to what this life can offer.

It's not as simple as putting on a pair of glasses though, the help that it requires comes in the form of seeking knowledge.  Knowledge about yourself. Who are you? Do you feel like you have a deep connection to yourself? Do you believe that your job, friends, clothing etc is what defines you? Do you know yourself?

I can't tell you what to feel, but I can tell you to sit down and meditate every day. Make that a routine and stick to it. That is how you truly find knowledge about yourself and who you are. Meditation is peace.

When I was a little kid I had the weirdest thoughts about my life and myself and I can't really describe it but I have always had such a deep connection to the self that I am, and it has scared me multiple times. It IS scary. Because our lives are tough and we have feelings of sadness, rejection, happiness, anger, fear, excitement, stress, all the time and they come and go, and all we do is just go with it. We never really think or look deep into ourselves.

We all need knowledge about our own self in order to be able to take action and open our minds to what life has to offer us, for real. Do you have that knowledge? Do you want to find it?

Meditate. Find guided meditations that work for you to start with. People ask me "how do I know if I'm doing it right, what is supposed to happen?"
Well, my answer is: trust me, you'll know. The feeling is priceless. When you focus on the self instead of the outside world you find the most peaceful place in the entire world and you can't miss it.
Meditation is described as sharpening the brain, and that's how you erase all of the external stuff that you think define you, and your real feelings and needs can find their way out.

Good luck. I'm getting down on the floor now to be with myself for 15 minutes before I break out of the bubble and put my contacts on and go about my day, with a clear vision and a clear mind.

Recipe to happiness

I've been picking up on some old knowledge lately and I feel super inspired. I know what I want and I know that it's right around the corner.

30 years of experience is paying off. I'm making decisions that are right for me, that I know will do me good. That's an amazing feeling. I used to do what felt best in the moment, just to spare myself, but what happens when you do that is you just postpone the pain or stress.

I no longer feel sorry for myself when something doesn't turn out the way I want it to, because it's just...life. I ca
n't control other people, I can only control myself and my actions.
Happiness is a choice, and I know, I've said that a thousand times before, but it's so true. Happiness isn't something you can chase or find when everything in life just fall into places and just expect it to stay. No way. You have to work with what you've got. Start collecting all the tiny things you're grateful for and keep them inside. All the small things will eventually turn into a big pond of power inside of you that will attract even more things to be excited and grateful for.

I'm starting a new experiment tomorrow. I'm gonna eliminate complaining from my life. I'm guessing I'll forget the first days or so, but I can do it. I will also completely eliminate the words " I can't" from my vocabulary. I will write a gratitude list every night as well.

I'm expecting wonders to happen in life after I start doing this. I'll start attracting more of what's good in life. Just watch me.

It's like looking up a recipe of something you can't cook. You trust that the recipe will turn your ingredients into a dish, and you have no doubts right?  I think it's the same thing in life. The recipe to finding peace and happiness is to eliminate negativity and open your eyes to everything you've got. Do you have doubts about that? I don't. I happen to believe in this with my entire being.

"wether you think you can or think you can't, you're right"

Happy Wednesday people.

Love.

I remember when I was 11 years old and had the biggest crush on a boy in my class. 

I had these stars that was glowing in the dark once you turned out the lights in the room, and I wrote his name with those stars so that his name was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep. He was literally written in the stars. I dreamt about being his girlfriend and I wrote about him every single night in my diary. Every look he gave me, every word he said to me, every move he made, be damn sure that it ended up in my diary that same night. I loved writing, and wanted to write an entire book by hand that I would staple together and send to someone.

Growing up, that boy in the diary was just a memory, but other boys came along. Up until I was 15, I wrote about the guys I "dated and thought I was in love with in my diary. (not just that obviously but a lot had to do with the boys in my life). I remember the day I stopped writing though, and it was when I had my first boyfriend Daniel and something really tragic happened that made me stop writing, and I started stocking up feelings inside instead. 

I wonder what kind of impact that had on me. I gave up the one thing I could do to release feelings. 

Up until this day, I have tons of feelings inside that I don't believe I've had the chance to vent. 

I am incredibly complex, and I have such a deep connection to myself that I scares the shit out of me sometimes. People in general can't possibly understand me and that makes me feel like I'm all alone. 

This is what I believed happened since I stopped writing about my feelings. I became one with myself and the thoughts and feelings I've experienced. Writing, even though it's in a diary that's mine, makes me feel like it's leaving my body.

This blog helps me a lot, and I always turn to this page when I need to vent. 

And this is when I release something that's been haunting me for 2 years and that still upset me when I think about it:

A person I trusted, someone who looked at me with eyes filled with desire, someone I could talk to about anything, who understood everything I said even though it would have sounded like complete madness to anyone else, a man who had eyes I seriously could stare in to for hours without stopping, who told me that my mind was the most beautiful thing, a man who was 10 years older than I was, a man who couldn't take his eyes off me, a man who made me feel sick, literally, out of butterflies. 

This man who was in a position that was no where near appropriate to approach me did it anyway. And he was in a longterm relationship with a woman since many years back, but waited 6 months until he told me. 

When that happened, I started writing poems. 

The anger and the hate that came out in those poems still gives me the chills. But it's a great example of how writing is a crucial part of my life, and that I need it like I need food, water and sleep to survive. 

So, this is where I make a promise to myself. I will have finished my book by June 1st 2017.

Or nah, make that published.

I have had the dream of being a writer since I was lying in bed as an 11 year old, staring at the glowing plastic stars that spelled Johan. 

I have failed miserably

6 months ago, I was in Santa Barbara, drinking rose 5 times a week, soaking up the sun, saw friends every day and I appreciated every day because I knew that my time there was about to end.

My 6 months mark is coming up in 2 weeks and right now I'm on my couch in Stockholm, missing the person I was in Santa Barbara more than ever. I miss ME more than I miss the place or anyone else back there.

I'm pretty open in my blog and anyone who's been reading for a while knows that I used to suffer from severe panic attacks and anxiety. It wasn't until I moved to Santa Barbara that I learned to let that go. I found myself in yoga, mediation, new beliefs, new experiences.
I became grounded, by truly looking into myself. I started observing the mind, and the thoughts that I had. It's like I have 2 different personalities inside of me. One that keeps thinking the negative stuff like: "I can't do this, I'm not smart enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough", and the other sane one, who kept telling the other one to stop thinking these things and focusing of positive affirmations like "I am positive, I can do anything, I'm confident, I'm strong".

In SB, I learned to listen to the right voice and I felt more confident than ever. I was balanced. I learned to completely eliminate stress for a while. I knew that I had overcome my panic attacks, my anxiety, the eating disorders that I experienced because I didn't feel like I was good enough, and I had overcome fear. I tried new things, I was fearless.

The last couple of weeks I've started to to recognize anxiety and I have struggled to find meaning. Why do I get up in the morning? Why do I keep acting like the hamster in the wheel that I've promised myself that I would NEVER become.

My mind is driving me crazy right now, because I need to find meaning so bad. I refuse to believe that life is just about eating, working, working out, sleeping, then get old and die. This world is way to extravagant to be just that. There's no way. I refuse to believe it. I just need to get back on my path. The search for MY meaning.

I've fallen out of my path, and I became lazy. I started letting the negative voice take over again because I forgot about all the things I believe in. I've failed miserably when it becomes to being true to myself and be the person I want to be. But that's ok, and I'm glad I've realized it, because that means the right voice is still in the game. That voice is the one that's telling me that I need to get back up, fight the negative one, and find my happiness again.

Do you wanna know something? Human beings today live from the outside in. We let all of the outer circumstances decide how we feel. It's so wrong. So wrong! We need to live from the inside out. When we feel good inside, the outer circumstances will automatically be good. 

I know how to get back to myself, the one I was 6 months ago, and I know I can do it where ever I am in this world, but I will have to fight harder than I thought. I thought that I would be able to stay the same once I left California, but the fact is: you slowly get back into the Swedish mentality.

-If you don't fight it of course.

I know this feeling..

I'm smiling uncontrollably. I have butterflies. I feel some sort of rush through my body plenty of times every day. I'm laughing. I feel sooooo good.

Who thinks I'm in love? Correct.

I'm in love. But I'm in love with my life, nothing else.

I'm a little superstitious yes, and I've read a lot about the fact that 2015 was a rough year, or a year filled with changes, for the majority of the worlds population, and it certainly was for me.
I actually woke up on January 1st feeling like a new person. Honestly. And I feel better every day.

These two weeks since the new year started have been the best in a long time. I've realized that a lot of what I was feeling at the end of 2015 was pure illusion. I couldn't be happier over the fact that I'm finally back to feeling like my old self.

I'm working out, I'm working, I'm sleeping like a baby every night, I spend time with amazing, inspiring people every day, and I feel like I've finally found my place. I love my apartment and I'm so proud of it. I love my job, and I'm really proud of that too.

Everything happens for a reason, and some things may be really rough but it always teaches you something. The most important lesson I learned from 2015 was to trust my gut instinct. When red flags turn up at the beginning of summer..don't ignore them and dismiss them for months, just trust them and save yourself precious time and sometimes pain. Don't ever ignore the gut feeling, because you always know.

What I know about 2016 so far, is that I love Amsterdam, that you can still party like a rockstar until 7.30 am and meet cool people to have awesome nights with even though you're 30, and that I'm going to Dubai in March.
I think I know some more but that'll be my secret for now.


I'm happy. I'm really happy. After rain comes sunshine, every time. Remember that.