This is me.

Something happened to me tonight. I was watching this movie, that I picked out of a list of movies that a special someone sent me, and all of a sudden I just started crying. Out of the blue.
I had to hit pause, and sit up and just cry hysterically. I put my hand over my belly and I felt my tears running all the way down to the neck and suddenly I felt an urge to look up past lives.

I read about how we tend to remember scenes from past lives during the day but mostly while we are asleep and are dreaming. In every life, we try to make up for past mistakes.
Somehow, I think that I started crying tonight simply because I felt like I have made so many mistakes during my lifetime and something in a scene from that movie reminded me of that. I felt such a strong urge to make up for all my past mistakes so that I can find some sort of peace, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find it for real.

I was a horrible teenager. My mom and dad went through hell raising me. I was insecure all the way in to my late 20's, and in some ways I still am.
I've had a tendency to seek attention and validation in different ways my entire life, and somehow I never feel like I'm good enough. No matter how many times people tell me that I am smart, talented, beautiful, etc, I can't take it in. That's because I need to truly believe it myself and tell all those things to myself, and mean it from the bottom of my heart. 100%. I would say that I'm somewhere around 75%, and I'm working on it.

Tying back to reading about past lives, I got a deeper understanding to why I feel the way I do every morning that I wake up. For about 3-10 seconds, just as I'm opening my eyes, I feel something that can't be described in words. I feel myself from within. It's a mix of anxiety vs the coolest feeling you can ever imagine. I feel that I'm a alive, and that I'm a thinking creature with some much depth. I believe the body and the soul are two different components of the human being, and I feel my soul as I wake up, because that's when I'm as vulnerable as I can possibly be, and I'm somewhere between asleep and awake.

My life is changing right now, since I just switched careers, and when life takes turns I have a tendency to feel a bit uneasy, and unsafe. I need to go deep into myself to be reminded that even though life changes around me, I'm still the same person.
That's why I'm at home right now, blogging and just thinking on a Friday night instead of drinking, and that's why I looked up a shop close by where a woman can see and read auras. I'm planning on visiting her tomorrow. I need to figure out what I can do to deal with my past mistakes so that they don't keep following me.

To think and feel this much truly is a blessing and a curse, because I understand that people who aren't like me or can't relate at all just think that I'm losing my mind. I actually love the way I am and my ability to connect with the me inside, but sometimes I can't handle the anxiety that comes along with analyzing and feeling life too much.


Anyways, this is probably one of the most confusing posts I've ever written, and I'm sorry about that but it had to leave my body.

Happy weekend to all of you.