The fear that lies within

I am a visionary person, I see the week from monday to friday as a flipped D and I see the year divided and in 2 lines like these: 

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I see my entire lifeline as one long diagonal line, in this direction / only not as steep.

The years are divided in to decades, and I think that's why I don't experience the common anxiety that people tend to have concerning their age. Because I kind of see 21 as the same as 29, since it's within the same "box". 

Now that I'm 31, I'm only in the third box of life, the third one out of nine. (Because in my mind I'm gonna leave this planet sometime in my 90's). 

The decade between 0-10 is kind of hard to define, but I do remember thinking a lot about life. One very specific thing that I learned in this box, was that I was a human being. Duh, right? But really, I thought about it in a different way. I remember that when I was in the bathroom, on the toilet seat, I always, ALWAYS, stared at one specific spot, right where the floor met the wall, and I thought to myself repeatedly: "I am me" I transcended to a stage deep within that was super cool, but I had to stop myself every single time since it scared me so much. I still did it all the time though because it was such an amazing thing, to actually realize that I was someone in this human body.

I was able to get to a sacred space which is my core self, at a very young age.

I think that was my starting point, from where I have developed and kept exploring this amazing tool, called our minds. 

It hasn't been an easy ride, and it still isn't. The journey resulted in panic attacks, depression, a great great fear of this life, and a scepticism; I have wanted t challenge the "rules of our society" since I was very young. 

My greatest fear in life is to fall victim to these rules, and to wake up one day when I'm in box 4 or 5 and realize that I actually do have regrets. I don't think that I'll ever allow that, because I know what I need to do in this box to turn my biggest dream in to reality, but it's still a fear.

I don't usually talk a lot about what I actually want to do, and what kind of life I want to live, because when I do, I see the reaction in people's eyes (the "omg, how are you this naive" look).

When I've talked about waiting for a love that's out of this world; a cool love story to tell everyone about, extreme attraction, my very best friend, crazy passion, fireworks, staring in to each others eyes forever and seeing the other persons soul, a love so strong that nothing will ever be able to break it, people have told me that I'll never experience that, because it doesn't exist.  You are too picky they've said, you have too high demands, no one will be able to give you all that, because then I would have to meet someone who wants the same thing and no one is that naive..

But I've stayed true to what I want, accepting nothing less. 

I want to live the life of my dreams, and to be able to do that I have to stay true to every single aspect of it. I need a plan. Because I actually have a scene in my mind, where I'm making money doing exactly what I want, having two places in different parts of the world that I call home, showing my 2 little kiddos the world starting at a very early age.

The years pass by so fast, and if we allow the autopilot to take over our minds, and settle in to what it comfortable, I think that there might be regrets. At least for me.

I know where I want to be, and I will start taking the small steps. Now. I just took the first one right here. Box 3, great things will happen here..