What matters most in life.

I have had a few super productive mornings this week and this one certainly's one of them. Got up at 5.40 am, excited to get up (crazy) and I took the car down to the gym. Worked out for about an hour before I went home to do some HW, and then I went down to school to meet with my advisor. I now know what my very last quarter at Antioch will look like, and I am so so soooo excited! I'm graduating September 10th! I seriously can't believe it's so close. I've been busting my ass off for almost 4 years..

Anyways, I feel amazing right now (high on coffee), and I felt the urge to write about something that's been a very important part of me at least this past year; reducing dangerous stress. 
I used to be so stressed out. I was in and out of the hospital a year and a half ago because of it, since my blood pressure (which is usually very low) hit the roof. My doctor gave me muscle tension relief pills because every single muscle in my body was so tense. Stress has more or less been a part of my life causing both anxiety and sickness since I was in my early 20's.

This quarter, I'm in a class that's called Global Perspective on Stress. It scares the hell out of me because the readings connect basically all sort of cancer forms to stress, but it's also reassuring me that everything that I've done for myself this past year is extremely helpful. I already knew, of course, since I never stress out the way I used to anymore, but I need other people to know more about this because it can potentially save you from getting severely ill.

Dangerous stress is not external, it's internal. It's the one that keeps you up at night, worrying, visualizing the worst case scenarios etc. All the stuff you think you have to do. 
The book I'm reading right now called "When the body says No" show statistic evidence that people who develop cancer are very often the people who can't say no, and who worry about what others think of them, and who never wants to let anyone down.  This is a very dangerous form of internal stress.

This is what I have to say about it, and what I have learned through my own experience; If you want to be a supportive, strong person, who can be there for the people you love, the first thing you have to do, is work on yourself. Love yourself completely, and love yourself to the extent that you know you are doing your very best at work, that you alone are not responsible for the entire company, and don't picture the list of all the "have to do's" in your head when you go to sleep. Because if you keep prioritizing other people and things, putting your own wellbeing aside, you will break down.
Take time to be with you, work on you, love every part of you, complement yourself, be grateful for everything you have.

Make sure that you know what really matters in life. Don't make the mistake of getting yourself sick before you figure out that family, friends and love comes before working 12 hours a day to please a boss that won't thank you.
Stop for a second, appreciate your home, your spouse, your mom, your dad, siblings, pet, friends, the stranger who smiled at you and made you smile.

Take a deep breath, and let go of the mental pictures you have in your mind of all the things that could go wrong in life, and all the things you worry about not having the time to do.

Be you and do your best, that's all you can do. And that is enough. 

What if?

I have to tell you all, I have a quality that I absolutely love, and that is;

-I get super motivated by very little. 

Example 1; we had a guest speaker who just finished her masters from NYU. What happens in Malena's head? I see myself walking down the halls of NYU, stomping my heals, feeling extremely powerful. What if I should continue my studies on the east coast?

Example 2; I do yoga every morning, and I love it. I read yoga_girl's posts and I immediately want to pack all my stuff and move to Aruba and practice yoga day in and day out. What if I should become a yoga instructor?

Example 3; My younger sister calls me on Skype to tell me about this woman she saw on "Nyhetsmorgon" who was a successful CEO. She told me that she totally sees me in that position one day. I see myself as CEO, running a successful company, living in Stockholm, Sweden. What if I should start my own company in Sweden?

You all get the picture, right? This quality is awesome, because it keeps me motivated and it keeps me hungry for more. It keeps me working towards my goals. Although, what if this quality will keep me chasing for more constantly? What if I won't ever feel like I have enough? 

That's been one of my biggest fears for as long as I can remember. 

Anyways..it's Friday. It's a good Friday. I woke up feeling excited about the weekend, and the sun in shining. I'm off to the gym in a few, then study. I'm thinking about taking the car to the daily grind because I'm craving their smoothie.

If I only have until September in SB, I better make the most out of my time. I'm almost freaking out just writing that.. 3,5 years of my life in this beautiful city. I love you Santa Barbara, forever and ever.

Have a good one!

Sunday reflections

I have been back for just about 2 weeks, schools back in session, all the routines are back in order, but I feel different.
I like to divide periods of my life in to different sessions in my head, and close them before I start a new one. The period from January through March was so damn weird and so much went down. That's why I decided to go home to Sweden and mentally close it before I could start this new period in Santa Barbara, and completely eliminate what had held me tied to Sweden, so I did.

There is a big BUT to this though. I went back home to quit my job that had been my backup plan if I ever move back home, and to somehow reassure myself that I will not want to move back to Sweden. I was preparing to really commit to staying in California, at least until October 2016.
But you know..life doesn't always have the same intentions that you have, and what ended up happening was that I feel a stronger longing to move back home and to Stockholm than I have ever felt before. I spent so much time with my younger sister in her awesome apartment, with my older sister and her kids that I love more than anything, and with all my best friends who know me inside out and who I couldn't be more grateful for. I can honestly say now that I feel a stronger sense of belonging in Sweden then I do here.

The strange thing too is that the sense of freedom to stay in Cali I thought I would feel when I quit my job actually had the opposite effect. I feel like I let go of something that held me tied to my old life in Sweden, and as soon as I had hung up the phone I felt like a new world of opportunities opened up for me. I saw them all in Stockholm not in Santa Barbara or California.

It scares the living hell out of me though, I have to be honest. I've built a life here that I absolutely adore, and leaving it will crush me. Although..this can't and won't last forever. I know for sure that my future is in Sweden, so I will just have to suck it up and do it. Question is; will it be this September or next year?

You all know by now that I truly believe that some things are meant to happen, and that even though I am in control of my own life and it's my responsibility to keep a positive attitude, some things are just supposed to happen and make you want to change. I have become some sort of expert in seeing the positive side of every tough situation and accept them.
That's why I'm not worried about my decision. I have faith in the fact that I will feel 100% sure about what I want to do when the time comes, and that I will feel excited and happy.

Right now, I just feel like enjoying every single day of my life because it's amazing. I wouldn't want to change a thing. Except for maybe the possibility to fly back and forth to Sweden. Like..a few times a month or so.

We celebrated Jenny's birthday yesterday and the party was super fun. The jello shots were tasty. Yes.
Downtown was fun too, I got to see Sean who made my amazing painting! I'm so glad I ran into him!
Back home, me and Harrison killed it at playing beerpong again and I ran around with a red heart baloon in my arms the rest of the night. I think I was a little cuddle sick.
Good times for sure.


I'm preparing for week 3 at Antioch now, and I have cleaned my room. I feel pretty good.

Love.

I'm back again.

The plane hit ground at 11 pm on saturday and I face planted into my bed at 2 am. My flight was delayed 7 hours and I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to fly, since there were some technical issues with the plane. Thankfully they flew in a new one from Copenhagen so we were able to go. I was super tired so I managed to sleep 7 hours on the plane, and that neeeever happens! So I was doing ok when I finally got to LAX.

As I got out, Ellen and Jenny was standing there waiting for me with a balloon and a welcome home sign! Surprise. I love them. Some serious catching up and singing to music was going on in our car while we drove back. 

Sweden was awesome as always. I think this trip back was super important for me, because I was feeling really lost before I left. Plus the trip wasn't even planned which makes it all even better.

I'm still debating what to do when school is over though, but I'm not stressing about it. Things and people have happened before during these 3,5 years in California that have helped me in my decision making, so I'm just gonna go with it. 

Today is the first day of quarter #3. Bring it on. I can't wait to start it so I can finish it. I'm taking a bunch of pretty serious classes this quarter so I'm guessing I'll be pretty busy, but I honestly don't mind. I love having stuff to do. Although, I wish I could say I felt more rested. Fell asleep at 9.30 yesterday after a super yummie Easter dinner with the neighbor fam, but then I woke up again at 1 am, and stayed awake until 5! Slept about an hour after that but I feel completely out of it. I think I have time to take a nap before class starts today though.

Lets do this Spring quarter.

D i s t r a c t e d

Espresso house, Vasteras.

I am trying to find motivation to write, but I get distracted over and over again. First by the mom and daughter who was sitting next to me, who had a wild discussion about wether or not the daughter should buy a bus card with 10 rides or not. They were super negative and complained about weather, money, bus rides, pains they had in their bodies etc. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them.
After that, a bunch of school kids came in and talked about the suuuper famous person who's coming to Vasteras soon. Kid 1 asked kid 2,3 and 4 if they knew who was coming. Kid 1 (14 year old girl) takes a guess; Nicki Minaj!! (I almost cracked up here) No, she was wrong. The one who is coming is Samir (swedish participant of Paradise Hotel). Jesus. I have no words. They were excited though so that was good..

What I am trying to say is I can't really focus here like I do in Santa Barbara when I'm at a local coffee shop. I think it's because this is a new environment right now. I find myself wanting to stare at people and listen to what they talk about because I want to know what it's like to live here again. Not here, Vasteras here, but in Sweden.

Because I have an important decision to make which is due in June.

Days like these, when the sun is shining and people are a little bit happier, it's easier to picture myself living here. Plus days like yesterday when I met my 2 best friends for lunch in downtown Stockholm. Imagine being able to do that every week. That's my dream, because I miss them tons.

Anyways, I'll try to get back to writing again. I did order all my books for next quarter though, and my new Victoria's Secret bikini number 9 (?) is on its way to my apartment in Santa Barbara. I am ready to go back and kick some serious school ass and look awesome at the beach.

See you in 11 days California.

Anger.

I think anger is a healthy feeling. It means you know your own worth.
IF you feel it for about 5 minutes, let it all out., and let go of it.

I can tell you that I have zero understanding for people who hold on to anger and frustration forever and are stubborn as hell about it. Why? You're only hurting yourself by doing that!
If you know that a person has done you wrong, lied to you, treated you wrong etc, let them fucking know that they are idiots, go workout, punch something if you need to, scream, cry, do whatever you need but let it go afterwards, and never chase them.

Because people who don't appreciate you do not deserve any of your frustration. They don't care anyways. Trust me. I have been on the other side. I've hurt people who care deeply about me, I know that. They didn't deserve anything I ever did to them. They have held on to anger towards me, told me how wrong I've done them, but in all honesty; I didn't care about it because I never truly cared about them.

Horrible isn't it? This is in my past now and I have learned a lot about myself since this has happened and I know now that by being honest and a decent person, you always treat people the way they deserve.

What I am trying to say is; See the positive side, be glad when you find out if someone did something that is unforgivable, because it means you can move on and find someone else who is so much better. Better to know sooner than later right?


Let go of the anger. Try hard to forgive the people who hurt you, and don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that what they did to you was devastating for a long time. Scream at them and let them know they did you wrong ONCE but never ever chase them and tell them again and again. That will only cause them to care less. and less. and less..

-Plus, there's thing awesome thing called KARMA which works every time. What you put out, you will get back. Trust me, I know this to because I have experienced it.

Happy Thursday everyone.

The two personalities of Malena

Hey everyone,

Stockholm

Right now, I'm sitting by my sister's kitchen table on Kungsholmen in Stockholm. The familiar voices from Nyhetsmorgon (Swedish Good morning America, basically) fills my ears and I am getting ready to meet my dear friend Camilla for lunch in a few hours.

Something you all need to know is that I am a different person in Sweden. I dress differently, I don't really know how to act or blend in, my skin feels better here, I smile at people who refuse to smile back, I feel "cleaner" in a really weird way, and I am hungry constantly when I'm here.

I am the one who actually left. The one who didn't speak just empty words of wanting to leave, but the one who actually did. I am the one who comes back to her hometown a changed person. A way more confident person, who seems happier and filled with a new calm. The one who would nail a great job in no time with 2 Bachelor's from he United States and the experience of having lived there for 4 years.

In Santa Barbara, I am the swedish girl. The foreigner who has to answer questions like, "Why did you choose California?", "Don't you miss your family?" and "Isn't is always super cold there?" But the one who found herself, and who fits in well.

since I am writing from my sister's computer, this is a pic from new years of us

I am the one who will have to work harder to find a job, to find an equal partner and a home with an acceptable standard for me. The one who left her roots and her family for good.

These are two different people, and I feel like I'm stuck.
Honestly, I have no clue what I want to do in September when I graduate. No idea.
You might think it has to lean more towards one option but no. I'm telling you, it doesn't.

Who do I want to be?

The struggle here is very real. So real, that it scares the hell out of me.

Relationship history..

Ok, brace yourselves. Pure honesty is coming up.

I had a boyfriend for about 2 years between 15-17 years which consisted of 2 years of destructive behavior, violence, and hurt, so I chose not to count that as a love experience at all.

I met my first love when I was 19. We met through a friend of mine, and none of us thought it would ever lead anywhere but it did. And through the course of one year, we grew in love with each other and to be honest, he is and will forever be the one that got away.
We broke up because I decided to travel the world, not because we did not have any love left.
And yes, this is 10 years ago.

After him, I have had 2 other relationships, one which lasted a little over a year and the latest was over a 2 year period. But looking back on those 2 relationships, I wasn't happy. I doubt I was even in love? Or no, I was. With the latest one.

But in between those two, and after the last relationship I had, (which is 4 years ago) I have dated. And dated. And dated. But never met the right person. There's always something that's off with the guys I meet.
I am a hopeless romantic and I expect the perfect guy to come in to my life when the time is right, and I believe that you will  k n o w that it's the right one. You won't have doubts. And trust me, I have had doubts with every single guy I have dated these last 4 years, which is probably why it never works out. Because I can't picture them in my future for real, and that makes me uncertain, and I don't give anyone 100% of myself, and I don't nurture it with positive thoughts.


I do believe I learn something from every person I meet though, and that they come in to my life for a reason.
There's no particular reason for me to write this today, I have not lost hope or anything like that, don't worry. I am more excited than ever to find out who will be able to steal this heart of mine and keep it.


I am leaving California tomorrow, and I am leaving these 11 weeks behind me once and for all. Because even though you learn through rough times, you still have to forget and leave it behind in order for it to not weigh you down.

When I come back here on April 4th, I will be filled with new energy, ready to finish 2 more quarters and graduate with my head held higher than ever, with so many life lessons in my bag, and I will be ready to decide if my future is in the U.S. or in Sweden.

When you feel broken and strong at the same time

For about 4 days now, I've felt like I am walking outside of my own body. I have a strange feeling of not being completely aware of anything, not even what my own feelings are.

I broke down completely on Sunday. I had tons of studying to do, but all I did was lay in bed. I wasn't even thinking about anything special, I just closed my eyes and tried to feel what I needed to feel.

The thing with me is that I am very passionate. I feel. I feel happiness deeply when I feel it, and I feel hurt deeply when I feel hurt. I am extremely good at controlling it when I have to, and I suck it up, but when I am alone, or with a close friend or family member, I truly feel. 

But these days I haven't felt. I have just felt broken, and unable to focus.

I am sure it all comes down to everything that's happened this year. I came back with high expectations on school and some people, but ended up being really disappointed. I have felt so under-prioritized. I have been through hospital visits and worry. I have lost a fellow student who was 25, which really hit me hard, and got me thinking about my future for real.

I started school on January 6th and it's over on Thursday, but I haven't felt like I have been present one single week. 

I am more than ready to be done with this quarter.

I decided yesterday that I will go back to Sweden over break. I leave on Sunday and come back in early April. I need to figure out what I want. Although, that seems to be an impossible task for me and my little head..I just look forward to seeing my niece, nephew, family and friends. And just be swedish for a while. I will come back more than ready to start my 3rd quarter.

As I have entered the year I will turn 30, I see things so differently. I know that I am here to learn, and to grow, and to inspire others. I don't see my obstacles or letdowns as something that makes me a victim, or question why it's happening to me, I know that I need them. Making the same mistake over and over until I finally learn is fine. Because when I compare how I have reacted now to when the same thing happened just about a year ago, I am a new person. I am the person I always wanted to be, and do you know how amazing that feels?

So yes, I have felt low, I have felt like I have been broken, but out comes a better version of me, who will treat both myself and the ones I love better.

It is all about growing stronger in this life. 

When everything's just..too much

I'm sitting at my new favorite spot, daily grind, having a smoothie packed with fruits which I really need. I have one class tonight then it's just presentations and turning in all the papers next week. My second quarter at Antioch is DONE, and I am so ready for it to be over.

Not that I don't enjoy being  at school, it's just that this year has started off really really..weird, and I feel like all the school work is falling behind since my mind is super occupied by outer factors.

Before I start writing about anything else, I want to express my deepest condolences for Austin's family and friends. He was a fellow student at Antioch, and I had classes with him at city college as well. His sudden passing was a shock to the entire school community, and my heart breaks thinking about it. I have been struggling with it a whole lot, and I have been thinking a lot about my own life, what I want to do and where I want to live etc.

Just to switch subject and talk about something positive, I have decided to write about some things that I have been requested to write about! My lifestyle. So I will try to describe a day off in Malena's life as short and consist as possible;

Wake up; 6 am. Drink a glass of water, roll out my yoga mat. Seated meditation for about 10 minutes before I do a yoga sequence. These sequences look different every morning, it all depends on what I feel like doing. I listen to my body and let it decide.
Make coffee, with coconut french vanilla (it's so yummie). Head down to the gym and get on the stair master for about 30-50 minutes, and then I usually spend 10 minutes stretching afterwards.

Breakfast; my absolute favorite meal of the day! Oatmeal with egg whites in it. I put one banana and blueberries in it, put on some unsweetened apple sauce from Trader Joe's (my fav place to do groceries), and top it with coconut milk.

Lunch; I usually make brown rice pasta, with shrimp, cottage cheese, olives and balsamic vinaigrette mixed up. That's one of my favorites and it's so fast. Or I do the same kind of mix, with some sort of meat, cottage cheese, some veggies and balsamic and put it in Ezeikel wraps. These wraps are called "protein wraps" and they are really good for you. I love them because I stay full for a long time. I usually eat 2, but if you don't consider yourself a very hungry person (like me) then 1 will def be enough.

Dinner; Usually the same as lunch, if I don't feel like making banana pancakes for example. Mash 2 bananas, mix with 3 eggs, and cook in a pan using coconut oil. That is enough for 5 big pancakes (yes I eat a lot) and I usually eat them with berries, and I sprinkle honey all over them.

Tips for healthy snacks are; RICE CAKES. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love rice cakes. I put cream cheese on them, then some banana and honey on it. It's super yummie, I promise!

And as far as my workout routine goes, I do yoga every morning, but I am at the gym about 4 times a week. If I am not at the gym though, I take walks. I love walking and if I am going DT for example, I usually walk from Oceano. It's about a 30 min walk.

That's it!

I am gonna go back to studying now..1 more week to go! I can do it.