When you feel broken and strong at the same time

For about 4 days now, I've felt like I am walking outside of my own body. I have a strange feeling of not being completely aware of anything, not even what my own feelings are.

I broke down completely on Sunday. I had tons of studying to do, but all I did was lay in bed. I wasn't even thinking about anything special, I just closed my eyes and tried to feel what I needed to feel.

The thing with me is that I am very passionate. I feel. I feel happiness deeply when I feel it, and I feel hurt deeply when I feel hurt. I am extremely good at controlling it when I have to, and I suck it up, but when I am alone, or with a close friend or family member, I truly feel. 

But these days I haven't felt. I have just felt broken, and unable to focus.

I am sure it all comes down to everything that's happened this year. I came back with high expectations on school and some people, but ended up being really disappointed. I have felt so under-prioritized. I have been through hospital visits and worry. I have lost a fellow student who was 25, which really hit me hard, and got me thinking about my future for real.

I started school on January 6th and it's over on Thursday, but I haven't felt like I have been present one single week. 

I am more than ready to be done with this quarter.

I decided yesterday that I will go back to Sweden over break. I leave on Sunday and come back in early April. I need to figure out what I want. Although, that seems to be an impossible task for me and my little head..I just look forward to seeing my niece, nephew, family and friends. And just be swedish for a while. I will come back more than ready to start my 3rd quarter.

As I have entered the year I will turn 30, I see things so differently. I know that I am here to learn, and to grow, and to inspire others. I don't see my obstacles or letdowns as something that makes me a victim, or question why it's happening to me, I know that I need them. Making the same mistake over and over until I finally learn is fine. Because when I compare how I have reacted now to when the same thing happened just about a year ago, I am a new person. I am the person I always wanted to be, and do you know how amazing that feels?

So yes, I have felt low, I have felt like I have been broken, but out comes a better version of me, who will treat both myself and the ones I love better.

It is all about growing stronger in this life.