The two personalities of Malena

Hey everyone,

Stockholm

Right now, I'm sitting by my sister's kitchen table on Kungsholmen in Stockholm. The familiar voices from Nyhetsmorgon (Swedish Good morning America, basically) fills my ears and I am getting ready to meet my dear friend Camilla for lunch in a few hours.

Something you all need to know is that I am a different person in Sweden. I dress differently, I don't really know how to act or blend in, my skin feels better here, I smile at people who refuse to smile back, I feel "cleaner" in a really weird way, and I am hungry constantly when I'm here.

I am the one who actually left. The one who didn't speak just empty words of wanting to leave, but the one who actually did. I am the one who comes back to her hometown a changed person. A way more confident person, who seems happier and filled with a new calm. The one who would nail a great job in no time with 2 Bachelor's from he United States and the experience of having lived there for 4 years.

In Santa Barbara, I am the swedish girl. The foreigner who has to answer questions like, "Why did you choose California?", "Don't you miss your family?" and "Isn't is always super cold there?" But the one who found herself, and who fits in well.

since I am writing from my sister's computer, this is a pic from new years of us

I am the one who will have to work harder to find a job, to find an equal partner and a home with an acceptable standard for me. The one who left her roots and her family for good.

These are two different people, and I feel like I'm stuck.
Honestly, I have no clue what I want to do in September when I graduate. No idea.
You might think it has to lean more towards one option but no. I'm telling you, it doesn't.

Who do I want to be?

The struggle here is very real. So real, that it scares the hell out of me.