Chains of the past.

“So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it.” 

To what extent do you allow yourself to let your past run (or ruin) your life?

Our past can never be changed, but the way you chose to blame your current situation on your past can. 

Your past doesn't define who you are, the past defines what has happened to you, but what defines YOU is the way you chose to look at your past, the outcomes of it and the way you act NOW. 

To be brutally honest, I have had tears running down my face, talked about and blamed past experiences for ruining me. For ruining my trust. 

But. BUT, I was the one who allowed it to ruin me and  I have the ability to change that. Nothing in my past will change, wether I chose to look back and blame, or if I look back and feel gratitude for all the let downs, because they taught me tremendous amounts of life lessons. 

I have become so extremely aware of how I react, how I use my defense mechanisms, how I feel in certain situations etc. I react, I act, and I learn something.

When I have done things on impulse (that I usually regret) too many times, I know that I'll never act that way again. 

You can change your pattern when you become that aware of your behavior, I know you can. Think about the person you want to be; Do you want to be scared? Or are you willing to take risks and get everything you ever wanted out of life?

The patterns in us that we follow on auto pilot, is usually created from past experiences. 

If you opened up completely and told someone your life story and they ended up hurting you brutally, you might not want to open up to the next person who comes along, who could be someone who truly cares about you and genuinely wants to know everything about you, good or bad. 

Open your eyes to what is happening right now, and I would say; Trust blindly. Trust in the good in people.

Don't let your old experiences ruin your chances of living a life free from the chains of the past.

Let them go, they're heavy as fuck.

Finding true balance.

About a year ago I hit a wall, I started doubting what I wanted out of life. It got me thinking, and it forced me to try new things, which I needed in order to eventually get back to and stick to my original path, the one to finish my degree and get out in the business/sales field.

1) What do I want? A challenging job, high salary, be a leader, stay busy, maintain a good body, a house or big apartment in Sweden, an apartment in California, drive my dream car (white porsche cayenne or a white range rover) start my own company, and be extremely successful.

2) What do truly I want? It's simple. I want passion, love, self acceptance, happiness, children, peacefulness, a healthy life, laughter, closeness, friendships, deep connections and quality time with the people I love.

What's wrong with these two? How can I want shallowness and attributes that only money can buy on one side and feelings no money in the world can buy on the other side? How can I want both sides when they are completely contradictory?

But are they though?

 I have come to realize, for example, that;
-In order to accept myself and stay true to myself, I need to be challenged, work hard, and know that I inspire others.
-In order to live a healthy life, I work out to maintain the body I love and that I am comfortable in.
-In order to feel peaceful, I need to stay busy and feel important to a company, because without staying occupied, I can't feel the true need of de-stressing and appreciate peaceful moments.
-To feel happiness, I need to feel successful, and that I am good at something.
-To feel true closeness, I need to do my own thing, keep my own interests and feel successful and not cling on to another person and their interests and think that that's closeness.
-To feel passion, I need to follow my dream of one day running my own business.

-And most importantly: To give and receive true love and to raise children in a family built on deep connection and love, I need to be me. The true me. I have tried to find me my entire life, and I used to focus a lot more on my "shallow me" and rely on what people thought of me, instead of focusing on accepting myself.
I am very sure of who I am now though, because I started listening to myself. I found balance between my two sides. Yes, I am driven, I am aiming really high when it comes to my career, (I believe I can do anything), because that is something I am passionate about and something I need, but I am also very aware of the fact that my family and my true friends will always always always come first, and that I will never allow myself to loose my need of connection, closeness, peacefulness and love.

I have made a vow to myself to always make time for the things that truly matter and not devote my life to making money and loose myself to the "shallow side". I need that side to a certain degree though, in order to not loose myself and stop following my own dreams to work hard and receive the things that I have always dreamed of.

I needed balance.

And awareness people, is the key to everything.

Don't suffer twice.

Sunday night..
..thoughts and feelings about the past week runs trough my head as always on Sundays.

First of all, I am so happy I'm in school.  I put a lot of effort in to doing my best, and being among the best in every single class, and even though putting that pressure on myself can obviously stress me out, I do it for me and no one else.
Going back to school at the time I did was the smartest thing I've ever done. I know exactly what I want, and I know I'll be successful, there's no doubt in my mind. If I had started school at the age of 20, I wouldn't have had a clue about what major to choose, and I wouldn't have been smart enough to know that developing relationships with teachers, do your best and speak your mind in every class is crucial to be able to claim your education.

Anyways, I've been fortunate enough to listen to the most amazing guest speakers this quarter. One that truly inspired me was this woman, Dr Gruver (I could have listened to her for hours) who came to speak to our class about mindfulness on Thursday. It was so inspiring.

I really believe in positive thinking, and that our thoughts create our reality. You chose what you see, and how you react to things that happen in your life. It can be very hard to see the good in tough situations at times, and I do believe that you have to let emotions out when they are overwhelming, but to worry and create scenarios in your head that aren't real, that is your amazing brains worst skill.

Dr. Gruver reminded me of all the things I already know, but the things you need to be reminded of sometimes.
Stress is created in our mind and it is basically just a bunch of worries about events that haven't even happened yet. She explained the reason why we shouldn't let stress take over in three words that I thought were completely brilliant, and that I will remember for the rest of my life;
Don't Suffer Twice.

-If you hate going to the dentist, you suffer by stressing over the fact that you are going there in 4 days.
-If you can't stand public speaking, you're only causing yourself to suffer if you allow yourself to feel bad about it days ahead the speech.

You can't know the outcome of things, that's impossible. Your brain comes up with outcomes based on what? Not reality, that's for sure. So since humans are experts on fantasizing and coming up with how bad a situation will be, and how much anxiety it will bring, we feel those feelings before the event even occurred. What if the situation will be an awesome experience? What if you hold the best presentation of your life? Then you suffered and worried for nothing.

We should use our amazing brains to create positive outcomes instead! See that speech as the best experience ever, see yourself doing a great job, see it as great practice. Try to create good feelings about it; you know you can do it because it works every time you think negatively about the situation. It will work the other way around as well, only it will take more effort and a strong will to want to change.

Stress is based on "what ifs". That's all there really is, and when you think about it like that it really puts it into perspective. Stress is created by your brain, it's not even real. So when those thoughts take over, come back to yourself. I actually use that line as a mantra when I let negative thoughts run amok, I stop and I literally just tell myself; Come back to yourself Malena.

Because the thing is, the only place where there is no stress what so ever is right now. 
Think about that for a little bit.

Lost my mind only to find it again

I've lost my mind these last couple days.
It went out the backdoor along with my lack of sleep.

I'm stressing, real bad. I know better, and I still meditate, do my yoga, my workouts, but somehow my mind decided to just stop fighting the stress and let it out. I needed it though.

Jeez, I haven't been this stressed since before that Christmas break in 2013. It's the pressure of getting all the school stuff done, but not just done, I have this need to hand in papers that stick out and that the teacher can actually enjoy reading, plus, crush my presentations. That's what it's all about for me because public speaking is weirdly enough a passion of mine. I always look around the room as I stand up there and I need to make sure everyone is paying attention and likes what I talk about, and if not everyone does, I feel like I've failed. I guess this time around, I am finishing 5 papers all at the same time and I just need to structure everything. I know I'll be fine though, and I usually do better when I'm not very prepared at my speeches, because I love to improvise, and never use notes.

I have talked about the stress now, I've dwelled, I've felt sorry for myself, and my psychotic thoughts that show up when I don't sleep enough have paid me a visit. I am not a fan of feeling sorry for myself and to walk around feeling like a basket case though so now I'm just gonna suck it up, drink some red wine nightly for inspiration, finish all my work, be awesome, hold my last presentation at 7 pm Wednesday night June 10th and hop on the airbus to LAX Thursday morning at 7 am.

All you wonderful people in Sweden, I will greet you all with the biggest smile on my face and I will feel light as a feather when this quarter is done. I can't wait to see all of you!

And yesterday btw, me and Jenny celebrated 2 years as roommates, and the very first day we moved in together, we said we'd have plenty of wine nights with swedish sticky chocolate cake, but yesterday was the first night we actually did it! My cake was a huge success among us, Sandy and Jenny's parents. It was a really good night.

Life lessons.

I'm thinking about acting on impulse and our self-control. All of us have probably acted on impulse and said or done things that we regret afterwards. You are in a stage of frustration and anger, and you spit out mean words or act crazy in general. This is all a matter of self-control.

I used to do this when I was younger. I got so caught up in frustration that all I needed was a reaction from the other person who according to me had put me in that emotional stage. I always regretted it, and was ashamed of my behavior after a while. The thing is..this behavior can not be justified afterwards. You can't take it back and make it undone. You can apologize, but the damage is done.

What my teacher talked about in my class yesterday was that people who want to change their impulsive behavior are told to do the complete opposite of what they usually do in these situations. To me, that sounds like a very hard thing to do, so what worked for me when I started to learn about my impulsive behavior was to write all my thoughts down. Write the text or the e-mail to this person, but send it to yourself! Go back and read it again an hour later, and make sure to thank yourself for
not sending it. Because trust me, you will.
Have enough respect for yourself that you won't allow yourself to do stupid things you'll end up regretting. I know it's way easier said than done, but hopefully this will plant a seed in your brain.

Another thing that I've been thinking about is relationships. I am a firm believer of constant maintenance, and to keep working towards a truly fulfilling relationship forever. So many people show their best sides, throw affection at each other and make efforts in the beginning of a relationship, but stop when they feel settled in the relationship. What happens to them when the going gets tough?

I believe in a 100% solid ground, continuos efforts and affection throughout life, to create a huge endless emotional account that will last through all the rough paths. You will have to be there for your partner and be his/her support system sometimes in life, as well as you need to be able to count on your spouse to be your support system as well. This will not be a burden. It will be given freely because to me, that is what love is about; a strong enough bond/friendship/love that will grow stronger through bad times, not let them break the entire relationship because it lacks a solid ground.

All of this ties back to my main thread through all my writings in this blog; self love. You won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship or control your impulses if you don't have a solid ground within yourself.

Don't look for reassurance in others, or expect someone to fix you. Trust this almost 30 year old, it won't work.

Flashbacks from another time

January 4th 2012

I was standing at Arlanda airport feeling like the loneliest  person in the world. I was about to leave Sweden and move to Santa Barbara. I will never ever forget how I felt. My future was completely unwritten and it freaked me out. As much as us humans are aware of the fact that the future is actually always unclear, we like to think we know sort of what our week will look like..and our weekend, our month, our year.

I didn't even have a home in Santa Barbara. Didn't know a soul. So yes, I was anxious. 

What happened as I arrived in LA and met my future roommates for the next 5 months at LAX is all history. Amazing history, stored in a very special place in my heart. 

Gosh..all the people I've met. All the friendships I've made. All the goodbye's I've had to make. All the love I've felt. All the love I feel.

My dad asked me when I was young what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn't have an answer to that, but I told him what I knew;

"Dad, I wanna live where the sun is always shining, and I want to live really close to the beach".

When I post pictures of leadbetter beach now which is right next to my house, my dad always comment;

"Your beach."

I managed to make my dream come true.

You can do whatever you want. Set your mind to it. Use the power and force that's in your heart and soul. Don't be fearless, be scared as shit so you can feel brave. What do you want to do? 

I'm about to make a really big change again very soon, and yes I'm scared. But I am using that fear to build strength. Because there is no better feeling in the world than being brave. Instead of seeing scary or unknown situations as something you recent, try to turn it around and think to yourself "Fuck yes, I can do this! And I will feel amazing afterwards!" Bravery is an amazing and powerful skill. 

I actually enjoy feeling a bit anxious/worried/scared about doing something new, or do a big speech etc, because I get to prove to myself that I can do it. 

Don't wait. Don't say; "Next time I'll do it". Do it when the opportunity comes. Do it for you.

What matters most in life.

I have had a few super productive mornings this week and this one certainly's one of them. Got up at 5.40 am, excited to get up (crazy) and I took the car down to the gym. Worked out for about an hour before I went home to do some HW, and then I went down to school to meet with my advisor. I now know what my very last quarter at Antioch will look like, and I am so so soooo excited! I'm graduating September 10th! I seriously can't believe it's so close. I've been busting my ass off for almost 4 years..

Anyways, I feel amazing right now (high on coffee), and I felt the urge to write about something that's been a very important part of me at least this past year; reducing dangerous stress. 
I used to be so stressed out. I was in and out of the hospital a year and a half ago because of it, since my blood pressure (which is usually very low) hit the roof. My doctor gave me muscle tension relief pills because every single muscle in my body was so tense. Stress has more or less been a part of my life causing both anxiety and sickness since I was in my early 20's.

This quarter, I'm in a class that's called Global Perspective on Stress. It scares the hell out of me because the readings connect basically all sort of cancer forms to stress, but it's also reassuring me that everything that I've done for myself this past year is extremely helpful. I already knew, of course, since I never stress out the way I used to anymore, but I need other people to know more about this because it can potentially save you from getting severely ill.

Dangerous stress is not external, it's internal. It's the one that keeps you up at night, worrying, visualizing the worst case scenarios etc. All the stuff you think you have to do. 
The book I'm reading right now called "When the body says No" show statistic evidence that people who develop cancer are very often the people who can't say no, and who worry about what others think of them, and who never wants to let anyone down.  This is a very dangerous form of internal stress.

This is what I have to say about it, and what I have learned through my own experience; If you want to be a supportive, strong person, who can be there for the people you love, the first thing you have to do, is work on yourself. Love yourself completely, and love yourself to the extent that you know you are doing your very best at work, that you alone are not responsible for the entire company, and don't picture the list of all the "have to do's" in your head when you go to sleep. Because if you keep prioritizing other people and things, putting your own wellbeing aside, you will break down.
Take time to be with you, work on you, love every part of you, complement yourself, be grateful for everything you have.

Make sure that you know what really matters in life. Don't make the mistake of getting yourself sick before you figure out that family, friends and love comes before working 12 hours a day to please a boss that won't thank you.
Stop for a second, appreciate your home, your spouse, your mom, your dad, siblings, pet, friends, the stranger who smiled at you and made you smile.

Take a deep breath, and let go of the mental pictures you have in your mind of all the things that could go wrong in life, and all the things you worry about not having the time to do.

Be you and do your best, that's all you can do. And that is enough. 

What if?

I have to tell you all, I have a quality that I absolutely love, and that is;

-I get super motivated by very little. 

Example 1; we had a guest speaker who just finished her masters from NYU. What happens in Malena's head? I see myself walking down the halls of NYU, stomping my heals, feeling extremely powerful. What if I should continue my studies on the east coast?

Example 2; I do yoga every morning, and I love it. I read yoga_girl's posts and I immediately want to pack all my stuff and move to Aruba and practice yoga day in and day out. What if I should become a yoga instructor?

Example 3; My younger sister calls me on Skype to tell me about this woman she saw on "Nyhetsmorgon" who was a successful CEO. She told me that she totally sees me in that position one day. I see myself as CEO, running a successful company, living in Stockholm, Sweden. What if I should start my own company in Sweden?

You all get the picture, right? This quality is awesome, because it keeps me motivated and it keeps me hungry for more. It keeps me working towards my goals. Although, what if this quality will keep me chasing for more constantly? What if I won't ever feel like I have enough? 

That's been one of my biggest fears for as long as I can remember. 

Anyways..it's Friday. It's a good Friday. I woke up feeling excited about the weekend, and the sun in shining. I'm off to the gym in a few, then study. I'm thinking about taking the car to the daily grind because I'm craving their smoothie.

If I only have until September in SB, I better make the most out of my time. I'm almost freaking out just writing that.. 3,5 years of my life in this beautiful city. I love you Santa Barbara, forever and ever.

Have a good one!

Sunday reflections

I have been back for just about 2 weeks, schools back in session, all the routines are back in order, but I feel different.
I like to divide periods of my life in to different sessions in my head, and close them before I start a new one. The period from January through March was so damn weird and so much went down. That's why I decided to go home to Sweden and mentally close it before I could start this new period in Santa Barbara, and completely eliminate what had held me tied to Sweden, so I did.

There is a big BUT to this though. I went back home to quit my job that had been my backup plan if I ever move back home, and to somehow reassure myself that I will not want to move back to Sweden. I was preparing to really commit to staying in California, at least until October 2016.
But you know..life doesn't always have the same intentions that you have, and what ended up happening was that I feel a stronger longing to move back home and to Stockholm than I have ever felt before. I spent so much time with my younger sister in her awesome apartment, with my older sister and her kids that I love more than anything, and with all my best friends who know me inside out and who I couldn't be more grateful for. I can honestly say now that I feel a stronger sense of belonging in Sweden then I do here.

The strange thing too is that the sense of freedom to stay in Cali I thought I would feel when I quit my job actually had the opposite effect. I feel like I let go of something that held me tied to my old life in Sweden, and as soon as I had hung up the phone I felt like a new world of opportunities opened up for me. I saw them all in Stockholm not in Santa Barbara or California.

It scares the living hell out of me though, I have to be honest. I've built a life here that I absolutely adore, and leaving it will crush me. Although..this can't and won't last forever. I know for sure that my future is in Sweden, so I will just have to suck it up and do it. Question is; will it be this September or next year?

You all know by now that I truly believe that some things are meant to happen, and that even though I am in control of my own life and it's my responsibility to keep a positive attitude, some things are just supposed to happen and make you want to change. I have become some sort of expert in seeing the positive side of every tough situation and accept them.
That's why I'm not worried about my decision. I have faith in the fact that I will feel 100% sure about what I want to do when the time comes, and that I will feel excited and happy.

Right now, I just feel like enjoying every single day of my life because it's amazing. I wouldn't want to change a thing. Except for maybe the possibility to fly back and forth to Sweden. Like..a few times a month or so.

We celebrated Jenny's birthday yesterday and the party was super fun. The jello shots were tasty. Yes.
Downtown was fun too, I got to see Sean who made my amazing painting! I'm so glad I ran into him!
Back home, me and Harrison killed it at playing beerpong again and I ran around with a red heart baloon in my arms the rest of the night. I think I was a little cuddle sick.
Good times for sure.


I'm preparing for week 3 at Antioch now, and I have cleaned my room. I feel pretty good.

Love.

I'm back again.

The plane hit ground at 11 pm on saturday and I face planted into my bed at 2 am. My flight was delayed 7 hours and I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to fly, since there were some technical issues with the plane. Thankfully they flew in a new one from Copenhagen so we were able to go. I was super tired so I managed to sleep 7 hours on the plane, and that neeeever happens! So I was doing ok when I finally got to LAX.

As I got out, Ellen and Jenny was standing there waiting for me with a balloon and a welcome home sign! Surprise. I love them. Some serious catching up and singing to music was going on in our car while we drove back. 

Sweden was awesome as always. I think this trip back was super important for me, because I was feeling really lost before I left. Plus the trip wasn't even planned which makes it all even better.

I'm still debating what to do when school is over though, but I'm not stressing about it. Things and people have happened before during these 3,5 years in California that have helped me in my decision making, so I'm just gonna go with it. 

Today is the first day of quarter #3. Bring it on. I can't wait to start it so I can finish it. I'm taking a bunch of pretty serious classes this quarter so I'm guessing I'll be pretty busy, but I honestly don't mind. I love having stuff to do. Although, I wish I could say I felt more rested. Fell asleep at 9.30 yesterday after a super yummie Easter dinner with the neighbor fam, but then I woke up again at 1 am, and stayed awake until 5! Slept about an hour after that but I feel completely out of it. I think I have time to take a nap before class starts today though.

Lets do this Spring quarter.