How to find true balance

Balance. We talk about balance in life. I even think I've written about it in this blog. But what is it?

It hit me a couple of weeks ago, that balance is extremely important, not just in how we choose to balance what we choose to do in life, but balance in the way we allow ourselves to lose balance sometimes.

It became clear to me that I've managed to find balance in many areas of my life. For example; I work really hard in periods, and then I chill some days. I workout 3-4 times a week, then I rest the other days. I eat very healthy during the week and allow myself to eat more and other stuff during the weekend. I meditate to keep my mood balanced, to not loose my temper and get stressed. I challenge myself in order to not stay in one place for too long. I see a psychologist in order to sort out my anxiety that I've been struggling with my entire life. I'm very outgoing in some settings, and in others, when I don't have to, I just enjoy being quiet and observe.

I'm really proud of my balanced lifestyle and my strong charachter. BUT; It has become such a routine for me to live this kind of life, that I can completely lose it sometimes if I realize that I've broken these patterns for some time.

Do you get where I'm going to? We need to see the bigger picture. The even bigger one than the bigger picture. We have to allow ourselves to deviate from our "normal behavior" in order to find real balance.

For example, I meditate every morning. When I for some reason don't do that for say 3-4 days, I get angry with myself for not doing it.
I don't eat bread on weekdays. If I for some reason long for a sandwich and eat one on a tuesday, I get angry with myself, for not following my "rules".

See? My life isn't balanced at all if I get upset with myself for not following my balanced life. 

I felt better just thinking about this. I think we all have some kind of rules that we follow in life, and we might get upset with our selves if we don't follow them. But don't. Because it really doesn't matter if your routine differs sometimes. And I'm not saying you should say fuck it to your routine, because it's really important to find routines that make you happy, healthy, motivated etc, but as long as you follow that for the most part, that's what's important!

So focus on what you do well, and don't spend any time thinking about or regretting why you did or didn't do something you weren't/were supposed to. Because today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can't get tomorrow back, so regret and self-loathing is a useless feeling. It's sadly a common feeling, but a completely useless one.

Find balance. Stay balanced. But be balanced enough to allow yourself to lose it sometimes too.

Who gets to decide what's right for you?

I think we all can relate to the thoughts of not feeling worthy sometimes in different aspects of life.

We can lack confidence in our selves and what we are capable of, and we don't think we're good enough, successful enough, beautiful enough,..and the list goes on.

Why is that? I believe it's because of all the unwritten rules of society. 

We are all unique, we all have our own different needs and wants. But, many of us share the same dreams and goals in life. Like finding a partner, starting a family, excel careerwise, living a healthy life etc. These goals have somehow managed to become "norms" in our society, and in some ways our society have also put "age/time limits" and "right and wrong labels" on these goals.

The important thing to always remember, is that even though we may share some goals in life, we are still very different individuals who walk on this earth;

-What is important in a partner for me, will not be the same things that are important in a partner for you. 

-Starting a family for one person might mean having just one baby or no babies because my partner in life is all I need and together we are a family. Staring a family for another person might mean having 4 babies, one dog and 2 rabbits.

-Exelling at work might mean becoming a successful CEO for one person, and excelling at work for someone else could mean keeping the fridge super clean at their stand at the local fishmarket.

-Living a healthy life can be working out 6 days a week and be a vegetarian, or it could just as well mean meditating once a day and try to drink more water. 

So even though we might share some goals, it doesn't mean that we all want it at the same time, or that we want the exact same things. That would be crazy! Thank God we are all different...right?

So, it's up to US to decide what is right for us. No one else knows what's best for you except you. But the problem is that the norms of our society is imprinted in our minds wether we like it or not. So the problematic lies in that many of us actually forget what we want and need and what's best for us, because we think we believe that the norms of society is what's right.

So, I think it's important to figure out what's right for us. Or what feels right.

-Who has the right to tell you that by the age for 35 you should have kids? You might not even want kids.

-Who has the right to tell you what successful is? Successful for you might mean just getting out of bed, and that's a small win every day.

-Who has the right to tell you that you have to study 4 years after high school? You might want to be a freelancing writer.

-Who has the right to tell you that if you are single by a certain age, you should be pitied? F**k that, you will stay single for as long as it takes, until you find the right person and don't settle for less.

You are worthy and absolutely good enough. If we always look for more (based on the unwritten rules) and think that what we are and have right now is not good enough, ask yourself: who is to decide this for me but me? 

My mantra is to always do everything in my power to become the best version of me based on what I want and what's right for me.

Because you can always work on improving yourself, for you and not for the sake of our society.

Pay it forward

I've been thinking about how we can practice "paying it forward" in order to feel happier in life.

We are so used to following certain patterns in life in order to be successful, and with financial and work related success comes happiness, right? Uh, no. I don't think so. Is for example money, a good title, material things, status cars, stressful days things that makes us happy? Or, could it be loving relationships, friendships, helping others, your health, being present, grateful and doing things for yourself things that makes us happy?

I was listening to a podcast the other day and a swedish man who is a very famous lecturer here, said that; I had all the things you are "supposed to" have; I was a millionaire, I had a beautiful woman by my side, I had fame, and I got recognized walking down the streets. And I have never been so miserable and unhappy.
Because those things were just a cover, and things he thought he needed in order to be happy and complete. But he never listened to his real needs.
He sums up his point by saying that if you ask anyone what really matters in life, everyone will say things like; my children, my husband/wife, my health, being with the people I love.

We are all different, and some of us will always care more about the status stuff and having a lot of money, and that's fine. Although, I really believe that all of us can practice "paying it forward" to feel better in life;

In relationships, love feeds on love. You have to give in order to receive love. Therefor, it's very important to pay the love forward and back as you receive it, and not get stuck in only receiving. Show, and be grateful for the love you receive, and give back, because by doing that you will never ever take love for granted. And when you give your spouse love, it will fill them up, and they will go about their days feeling good, and give positive energy to the people they meet.

Same thing goes with friendships, you have to be cautious and keep the friendship in the loving zone. Call or text one of your friends just and tell them what you appreciate about them, I promise you that it will make their day, AND it will make your day as well! Because when we give love, it comes back to us tenfold. Try it, because when you make them happy, they will be able to make others in their surroundings happy by paying their happiness forward.

When you take care of yourself and your health, I am not just talking about working out. Try meditating, light a candle and look at it for a few minutes just to be present, take a walk where you've never walked before to see new things for the first time, and pay your new experiences forward. Not by using social media and show followers that you are "present". Bring a friend on that walk, share what you see, meditate with someone or share the new realization you made with someone. Pay knowledge forward.

I think the ability to be humble is an important key in life. To be able to be proud and talk about ones accomplishments, but to never do it in a way that makes others feel bad. There's a fine line between egocentric bragging and to be proud with humbleness.
Talk about what you are proud of with the intent to inspire others, and pay it forward. Not in order to tell eberyone that you're the best.

When you're happy and content, share it. It's not like happiness only comes in a certain dose that you have to hold on to with dear life, it actually grows when you share it.

Share what you have. Pay it forward, and you will get it back tenfold or more. Trust me.

From the bottom of my heart; Thank You

On monday, october 16th, I took place in front of my colleagues at Mynewsdesk, and spoke openly and without shame, about my history of anxiety, depression and my many many panic attacks.

I only spoke for about 15-20 minutes, and afterwords, I got about 15 hugs from different coworkers, and so many "Thank you for sharing" comments. As I sat down at my computer, so many comments rolled in from co workers who had listened, who thanked me and who said that they recognize themselves in so many things, and that it's so important to speak up about these things because that shows others who also suffer that they are not alone.

I posted a status on LinkedIn, about my little speech, and that I spoke because I see a desperate need for something to change. The first step is to just talk about it, to show everyone else that it happened to me, it is still happening to me, and that I am a living proof that you can find ways to live with your anxiety and make your way out of the darkness.
My post on LinkedIn started trending and I am right now at 177 likes and 17 comments, most of these from people that I am not in contact with on LinkedIn. My post has reached over 12000 people and one comment just rolled in 5 minutes ago, so it's still reaching new people.

I am so beyond words. I am SO grateful to everyone who hit "like" and/or left a comment so that my post is shown to your group of contacts on LinkedIn.
I could never imagine that it would start spreading the way it did but I'm so happy about it, because that means that I am touching on a VERY important matter, that so many people can relate to.

I have talked about my anxiety in my blog, and I always open up completely when people come to talk to me, and I have never ever felt an ounce of shame. Ever.

I have heard people say that I'm brave when I'm opening up, and that I am strong because I talk about it so openly. I am extremely humble in what I'm about to write now, but I actually don't understand the part where I'm brave and strong, because to me, it's crystal clear and a a matter of course. I don't see myself as brave or strong, I see it as my obvious duty.

I have gotten the proof I need now in order to continue my own little journey to reach new people. I have dreamt about talking about this openly infront of new crowds for years, and I think it's about to really happen. I know that I am doing something big, because if I can reach out to just one person who can admit to him or herself that there's a negative stress present in their life, and start working on making a change, I have done plenty.

The first step to making a change is to become aware. And how to we become aware? By talking about it.

How my anxiety completes me

For a couple of months now, I have been working on myself a bit more than I usually do.
I have been speaking to someone, since I have felt the urge to take my development one step further.

For anyone who knows me and have read this blog, you know that I have from suffered panic attacks and dealt with anxiety. The fact is though, that it shouldn't say; "dealt with" it should say "is dealing with".

I have suffered from anxiety my entire life. From a very early age, I have been a worried soul. I feared that my family would leave me, I thought about death and the meaning of life, I feared losing loved ones and friends, and I have always suffered from this form of anxiety that comes out of the blue and you have absolutely no idea where it came from.

The thing that I learned when I was about 22, is that when someone is dealing with anxiety like mine, it always finds a way out, one way or another.
One period in my life, I feared death every single day. When that disappeared, I started doubting my existence. When I worked that away, my job gave me the worst anxiety, and when that past, I started seeing food as the enemy and the anxiety took its form in eating disorders.

See, I always wanted to feel like I could control my anxiety, and every time I felt it, I could just do something to make it go away. Like change jobs, eating less, workout more, travel...whatever.

But. My anxiety will always be a part of me.

I have been talking to so many people, about how I got past the panic attacks, and the fear of death and fear of public speaking and so on, and I DID. I am a strong person, I'm smart, talented, inspiring, hard working, a role model, a happy person with my feet on the ground. But, I will have to live with the anxiety and the way it  choses to take its form my entire life. I have some parts of me that I have been ashamed of, for real. But I have come to realise now that I can't be embarrassed of parts of me that are just that; parts of ME. Who would I be without my anxiety? Seriously. Nowadays, I'm kinda proud of it, because it gives me more depth.

When I tell people that I have been through extreme fear, suffered panic attacks and suffered by sickness due to stress, I usually get this: "I never thought YOU of all people had been though that, you are so stable", or something like that.
It took me some hard work and some true soul searching to get where I am today and I'm not nearly done.

I love inspiring people that you can change, that you can live a positive life and that you have the power to do things you thought you never could, because you can. But you can never completely erase something that is a part of you, a part of your DNA.

You should have goals in life, to make you move forward in all aspects; career, relationships, training, learning, traveling...

I have such goals to, but the most important goal for me will always be to get to know myself in such a way that it makes me understand other people better. I will have to mirror what I want to achieve from others. Open up when I have something that's weighing me down, to make other people in my life feel like they can open up to me. Listen to others, so that i will feel heard. Love others as hard as I can, so that they can love me back. Speak only good about others, so that others speak only good things about me.

I am me. No one else. I am me, with all my qualities and all my "darker sides". They're  parts of me that makes me complete. We have bright colors in this world, and we also have darker colors in this world. For a reason. We need them all, because that's the entire spectrum.

That's why my anxiety and my fears completes the circle, why they complete ME.
The parts of us that are the hardest ones to accept should't be our enemies, they should be our source of willpower. Willpower to work harder on our good qualities, in order for us to be better human beings. They will be there, but it's up to us how much control we let them have over us.

Don't limit your life. Because it will end.

I was going to write about something completely different, but something took my focus away. An interview that's going on during the morning show on my tv.

Krstian Gidlund died 4 years ago today, and he is someone that the majority of all swedes has been moved by in some way. He wrote a blog about his cancer and all of his deepest feelings about the fact that he was going to die within months.

Listening to and watching this interview right now, with one of Kristians best friends who is talking about how Kristian taught him the meaning of life, I feel some sort of relief.

We all know one thing, and one thing only about this life: we will die.
And the fact that we are going to die is a good thing. Because if life was endless, there would be no point in living. At all. We would't appreciate any of it.

There is a meaning with every stage we go through in life. There's a reason why a newborn is a baby for such short amount of time, and it's because we are supposed to cherish that time! If our child was a newborn forever, we wouldn't cherish it. The fact that it ends is the meaning with it all.

The fact that our life will end is the whole point. Some people say there is no meaning with anything since we will all die one day, but it's the other way around. It's because we will die that our lives have meaning, and it's up to us to fill it with meaning.

When we are on vacation for 2 weeks, we cherish those weeks and we enjoy every second of it, because we know it will end soon.
Why can't we see our entire life that way?

If I'm lucky, I have lived about a third of my life. I keep learning and every year that passes by, my life gets better. I can truly say that I have zero regrets in life. None. Every single mistake and every struggle has had some meaning which taught me something new. It's just as important to look back at our lives and don't regret things, as it is to cherish everything that's ahead, even the hard parts.

I will keep applying the lessons I've learned in life, and continue to use them as just that, lessons. They are not truths. Lessons are not learned to limit our lives, they are learnt to help us grow and to become brave.

We go through a heartache not to learn that we don't have the guts to love again, but the opposite. We go though a heartache to learn that we can go though it and survive. We can open ourselves up and truly love again, because we know that a heartache won't kills us. We have proof, in the shape of a very own experience.

Life is fascinating, and it's beautiful.
Don't limit your life, because you know as well as I do that it will end.

The deepest shit I ever wrote

When I was in philosophy class at city college in SB, I felt like I finally had a way of organizing my thoughts. That class didn't help me by giving me answers to the questions I have been asking myself my entire life, but it helped me by realizing that there are others who think like I do.

This might get deep, so bare with me, and this might not make sense to some of you, but it may make complete sense to some.

I want to ask you a question; Who are you?

Not you name, your occupation, your skin or hair color, what country you were born in, what kind of food you like etc, but the you that you are inside.
Would you say that you are your thoughts? Are you made out of flesh, bone, organs and a brain? And the you that you are is actually your mind?
Are you your thoughts? Your brain?

I don't believe that. I believe that we are something more. Something completely not tangible. Because think about this; you are able to control your thoughts, right? You can decide to think about the sunset, or to imagine that you are running through the forest for example. What is it in you that can control your thoughts? If you ARE your mind, and your thoughts, then wouldn't you just go with everything you think?

I also believe that you all can relate to the scenario when you feel something, maybe something that you are scared of. You might automatically think "I can't do it, I'm so scared". Then there's like another dimension of you who tells you that "Yes, you CAN do it! Stop being so dramatic. Just do it".
Are these two really both you? Or does one of these statements come from the real you, and the other one from experiences that have been kept and created automatically in your brain from earlier experiences?

It's so incredibly hard to try to explain this, but I believe there is something in us that are our being. The one we get in touch with when we meditate and shut down every single thought in our brain.
When we are in a deep meditative state, we don't move our bodies, and we don't have any thoughts.
But we are still there. More there than ever before. We are so present, and we feel at peace.

What is that?

To me, there's no other explanation than that the one we get in touch with on such a deep level is the one we are. Our thoughts are created by experiences and our unconscious mind absorbs experiences and automatically create its own truths.

With that said, I want to pick up the red thread that I keep coming back to in this blog. The one we are, the one within, can identify this, control and change the thoughts and by doing that change the way we chose to live our lives. 

"Where attention goes, energy flows". If you are scared of bees, you will see them everywhere. People will wonder how the hell there can be so many bees around you at the beach when they are usually never there. If you focus all your attention on what can go wrong during a presentation, that will come true, and you will say "I KNEW that would happen!"

When past experiences creates patterns in your mind, and your attention is focused on the negatives, you will sure as hell find negatives. You will be completely unable to live in the now and enjoy what you have, because you will be more focused on what could go wrong in the future. And you know what? That will probably happen.

Life is complicated. Because we all have a body that everyone can see, and a way of behaving that causes people around us to get a sense of who we are. But we also have that one on the inside, who doesn't show, but who struggles to stay alive on the inside, and battles our thoughts every day.

I can get disappointed sometimes, because I want to understand people on a much deeper level. Sometimes I'm not interested in seeing the way you dress, or talk to you about the latest TV-shows, or listen to you complain about the weather or your work.

In 99 cases out of 100, I want to understand why the dark scares you, why you don't like to ride the elevator, why those bees scare the crap out of you, why you love the ocean so much, why you don't want to speak in front of crowds, or where your mind goes when you stare out in the open air and you touch your face.

Who are you? Why do you feel the way do do? Do you really feel those things, or do your thoughts tell you that you feel that way? Is there some being inside you who can change the negative patterns of thoughts that your mind created in order to allow you to keep developing as a human being?

I want to believe that we all have the power to make our own changes, and make our own choices. I want to believe that we know what is right and what is wrong, here and now. Life changes, we all know that, but if we can just stick to what our being knows is right in the now and not let thoughts or fear of the future hold us back, I truly believe that would make us happier. 

An open letter to 16 year old Malena

Malena,

Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see the brown eyes that often filled themselves up with tears as soon as they met yours? The eyes that saw and lived through the pain of that relationship. The relationship that you were in at the same time you had to leave the only friend you had because she managed to break you by being mean to you every single day for 3 years. The one relationship that would come to ruin the way you see yourself for years and years to come?

The experience that would come to make you doubt yourself and all of your abilities. The bad self-esteem that made you want to crawl out of your own skin and scream so loud until your voice couldn't scream anymore. 

The way he treated you, and scared you with violence, that would make you believe that every single guy in the world were mean, cheaters and didn't really care for you and the person you truly are.

The feeling of never being enough, ever. The self-hate you felt when you looked at your body.

The broken pieces of you that even though they were burning on the inside, had to stay right there, on the inside. 

The hurt that would live inside you and make you turn stone-cold and not show one single emotion, which lead to an explosion that one day when the first panic attack hit you and you were certain that that was it. You would die at 21. 

You will be in for one hell of a journey Malena, one where you, among a lot of things, will learn that not all guys are horrible. But it will take you many years, and you will let a couple of them go, out of fear. But that's ok, because they weren't right, they were just there to show you that people can appreciate you and fall in love with you, ALL of you. They were there to build you up. 

You will still have the friends that you met when you were 16, started at Rudbeckianska gymnasiet and had just been through one of the roughest times of your life. Those friends will mean the world to you, and they will be a crucial part of your life and your way back to build a self-esteem. They will be supportive and tell you that you are amazing. They will be there when you feel ugly and like the worst person in the world. They will listen to you when you need someone to talk to, and they will love you for you.

You will move to California, and that's where your life will change for real. You will go alone, and start an entire new life, and you will meet friends for life there. Friends who will become your family, and who you will share not just your apartment with, but your entire life. They will see you grow, and go from insecure and not wanting to speak in front of a crowd, to completely crushing it at public speaking and glowing while doing it. They will be there when school is so stressful that you cry your eyes out in the bathroom at night.

Santa Barbara will forever be sacred to you, because you discovered yoga and meditation while living there. Yoga came first, and it showed you that the body you despised so much, can be strong and flexible. You will actually learn to love your body. Meditation came after you completely hit the wall out of stress and had to go to the hospital. You will realize that mediation is an amazing tool and it will help you with all the anxiety. You will discover a spiritual part of yourself that you kinda always knew was there but you never knew how to express it.

Look into those brown eyes Malena, and know that everything will be ok. You will be ok. You will be healed, and you will become extremely strong, and the faith you have in yourself will be one of your strongest attributes. You will stand tall, work hard, and you will be very successful, and people will like you, for YOU. People will actually look up to you, and a lot of them want your advice because they think you are really smart, experienced, wise, and know about life.

And you do. You do know about life now, and those brown eyes in the mirror that used to be filled with tears, will look back at you, with humbleness and they will speak to you; 

I love you.

Set yourself free

It's sunday night and the thoughts run through my head, just like they always do on sundays. 

I love these thoughts, and I love the alone time. 

I just finished a glass of red wine and some dark chocolate at my parents apartment, although they're not home. I'm enjoying the space and the feeling of complete safety.

The thoughts that fill this head of mine tonight are pretty simple, I'm thinking about how easy it actually is to set yourself free. Free from the feelings of wanting to control someone, or somethings. Free from the feeling of fear. 

Don't try to control someone, and stop wishing for people to change. When you hold on too tight and want to control situations sooo badly, just imagine sand that you pick up on the beach. If you want to keep it, you have to hold the sand loosely in your open, cupped hands, not squeeze your hands in an attempt to keep it, because when you do, the sand slips trough your fingers and you loose it.

I feel a sense of calm just thinking about that metaphor, and it's one that I have used several times in my life. Let go of the clinging, and let go of the attachment. Hold the sand in your open hands, and you won't have to waste energy like you do when you squeeze your hands. 

Don't be afraid of things that could happen, because you don't know what will happen. Just keep planting positive thoughts in your mind, and realax. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Relax and think about possibilities instead of obstacles. 

We are animals, us humans. And we have a way of always preparing for the worst to happen, and that is because we have those genes in our veins, the genes of always having to prepare for a fight. Prepare to run when we meet our enemies, prepare to hunt for food when we need it. Prepare for war, and to protect our territories. 

BUT, we are equipped with extraordinary brains, that we can control. We have the ability to plant thoughts and create new patterns, but it takes constant practice and it takes willpower, simply because we have an automated system that tells us to expect the worst. It's so much easier to be negative and afraid, than it is to be excited and positive, but that doesn't make it impossible. It makes it a challenge.

We feel so much lighter and so free when we are positive and stop trying to control everything. You can set yourself free. Free from the controlling. Free from the fear.

Don't just look at the sand you want to keep in your hands to see if they're squeezed or open, feel what you're feeling as well. Are you constantly clinching and feel tense? Take a breath and open your hands, because that is what makes the sand want to stay in your hands too, because it's calm and secure.

You don't have to lose what you've got to know what you had

A phrase a lot of us know is: "You don't know what you've got til it's gone".
Is that true? I don't believe so.

Because this week, I was about to throw something away that means a lot to me, that I love, and that has been a part of my life for 4 years now. I'm talking about yoga.

When I started doing yoga, something happened in me. I discovered meditation right after starting my yoga practice, and they go hand in hand. At least for me.
I discovered a new calm, a new way of thinking, and my body had never ever felt so..good. I felt healthy, strong, calm. I felt more positive, uplifted and I got in touch with my inner me in a new way.

I meditated and did yoga every morning back in the U.S. and when I moved back home, I tried to keep it going but it wasn't the same. In my apartment where I live now, I don't have the actual space I need to be able to do the practice. I have to move tables and rugs to be able to fit my mat.

So I started doing it less and less. But I missed it so much and I needed it. So one day, this january when I sat at LAX waiting for my flight, I knew that I had to sign up for a yoga teacher training program. And I did! 200 hour training starting this september. It felt so right.

By doing that though, I went from doing yoga about 2-3 times a week to about 1 time a week. Because my mind kept telling me that "You will do yoga every damn day starting this september so you don't have to do it that much now".

THAT was the mistake. Because when you don't value and care about something that you know you love, it starts to slip away. You start to forget why you loved it so much. Five days ago, I wrote the instructor who's in charge of the training program, and asked her if I could withdraw.

I actually debated dropping the dream of becoming a yoga instructor. Just because I hadn't nurtured what I loved.
I got a response that yes, I could drop the class, but she suggested that I would start the one year training starting in january instead.

I sat on the couch, wrote back that I would think about it. Got up, moved my table, the chair, and the rug. Rolled out my blue mat and started. I did about 30 minutes of yoga and almost cried afterwards. This is what I love! I meditated, went to bed, and the morning after I wrote back that I will start the training this january.

I have done yoga every day since this happened and just finished a 30 minute session. I know why I love it, I know how good it is for me, I know that I need it in my life. I just have to keep nurture, appreciate it and just do it.

So, I don't believe you have to actually lose what you've got to know what you had. I believe you can chose to see what you have and nurture it. Remember why you chose the way you did in the first place. Because I don't believe in the phrase "The grass is always greener on the other side" either. I believe "the grass is greener where you water it".