Malena,
Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see the brown eyes that often filled themselves up with tears as soon as they met yours? The eyes that saw and lived through the pain of that relationship. The relationship that you were in at the same time you had to leave the only friend you had because she managed to break you by being mean to you every single day for 3 years. The one relationship that would come to ruin the way you see yourself for years and years to come?
The experience that would come to make you doubt yourself and all of your abilities. The bad self-esteem that made you want to crawl out of your own skin and scream so loud until your voice couldn't scream anymore.
The way he treated you, and scared you with violence, that would make you believe that every single guy in the world were mean, cheaters and didn't really care for you and the person you truly are.
The feeling of never being enough, ever. The self-hate you felt when you looked at your body.
The broken pieces of you that even though they were burning on the inside, had to stay right there, on the inside.
The hurt that would live inside you and make you turn stone-cold and not show one single emotion, which lead to an explosion that one day when the first panic attack hit you and you were certain that that was it. You would die at 21.
You will be in for one hell of a journey Malena, one where you, among a lot of things, will learn that not all guys are horrible. But it will take you many years, and you will let a couple of them go, out of fear. But that's ok, because they weren't right, they were just there to show you that people can appreciate you and fall in love with you, ALL of you. They were there to build you up.
You will still have the friends that you met when you were 16, started at Rudbeckianska gymnasiet and had just been through one of the roughest times of your life. Those friends will mean the world to you, and they will be a crucial part of your life and your way back to build a self-esteem. They will be supportive and tell you that you are amazing. They will be there when you feel ugly and like the worst person in the world. They will listen to you when you need someone to talk to, and they will love you for you.
You will move to California, and that's where your life will change for real. You will go alone, and start an entire new life, and you will meet friends for life there. Friends who will become your family, and who you will share not just your apartment with, but your entire life. They will see you grow, and go from insecure and not wanting to speak in front of a crowd, to completely crushing it at public speaking and glowing while doing it. They will be there when school is so stressful that you cry your eyes out in the bathroom at night.
Santa Barbara will forever be sacred to you, because you discovered yoga and meditation while living there. Yoga came first, and it showed you that the body you despised so much, can be strong and flexible. You will actually learn to love your body. Meditation came after you completely hit the wall out of stress and had to go to the hospital. You will realize that mediation is an amazing tool and it will help you with all the anxiety. You will discover a spiritual part of yourself that you kinda always knew was there but you never knew how to express it.
Look into those brown eyes Malena, and know that everything will be ok. You will be ok. You will be healed, and you will become extremely strong, and the faith you have in yourself will be one of your strongest attributes. You will stand tall, work hard, and you will be very successful, and people will like you, for YOU. People will actually look up to you, and a lot of them want your advice because they think you are really smart, experienced, wise, and know about life.
And you do. You do know about life now, and those brown eyes in the mirror that used to be filled with tears, will look back at you, with humbleness and they will speak to you;
I love you.
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