I have been speaking to someone, since I have felt the urge to take my development one step further.
For anyone who knows me and have read this blog, you know that I have from suffered panic attacks and dealt with anxiety. The fact is though, that it shouldn't say; "dealt with" it should say "is dealing with".
I have suffered from anxiety my entire life. From a very early age, I have been a worried soul. I feared that my family would leave me, I thought about death and the meaning of life, I feared losing loved ones and friends, and I have always suffered from this form of anxiety that comes out of the blue and you have absolutely no idea where it came from.
The thing that I learned when I was about 22, is that when someone is dealing with anxiety like mine, it always finds a way out, one way or another.
One period in my life, I feared death every single day. When that disappeared, I started doubting my existence. When I worked that away, my job gave me the worst anxiety, and when that past, I started seeing food as the enemy and the anxiety took its form in eating disorders.
See, I always wanted to feel like I could control my anxiety, and every time I felt it, I could just do something to make it go away. Like change jobs, eating less, workout more, travel...whatever.
But. My anxiety will always be a part of me.
I have been talking to so many people, about how I got past the panic attacks, and the fear of death and fear of public speaking and so on, and I DID. I am a strong person, I'm smart, talented, inspiring, hard working, a role model, a happy person with my feet on the ground. But, I will have to live with the anxiety and the way it choses to take its form my entire life. I have some parts of me that I have been ashamed of, for real. But I have come to realise now that I can't be embarrassed of parts of me that are just that; parts of ME. Who would I be without my anxiety? Seriously. Nowadays, I'm kinda proud of it, because it gives me more depth.
When I tell people that I have been through extreme fear, suffered panic attacks and suffered by sickness due to stress, I usually get this: "I never thought YOU of all people had been though that, you are so stable", or something like that.
It took me some hard work and some true soul searching to get where I am today and I'm not nearly done.
I love inspiring people that you can change, that you can live a positive life and that you have the power to do things you thought you never could, because you can. But you can never completely erase something that is a part of you, a part of your DNA.
You should have goals in life, to make you move forward in all aspects; career, relationships, training, learning, traveling...
I have such goals to, but the most important goal for me will always be to get to know myself in such a way that it makes me understand other people better. I will have to mirror what I want to achieve from others. Open up when I have something that's weighing me down, to make other people in my life feel like they can open up to me. Listen to others, so that i will feel heard. Love others as hard as I can, so that they can love me back. Speak only good about others, so that others speak only good things about me.
I am me. No one else. I am me, with all my qualities and all my "darker sides". They're parts of me that makes me complete. We have bright colors in this world, and we also have darker colors in this world. For a reason. We need them all, because that's the entire spectrum.
That's why my anxiety and my fears completes the circle, why they complete ME.
The parts of us that are the hardest ones to accept should't be our enemies, they should be our source of willpower. Willpower to work harder on our good qualities, in order for us to be better human beings. They will be there, but it's up to us how much control we let them have over us.
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