A new world

I did an experiment last week.

I decided I was going to attract something, by using my thoughts. Mumbo jumbo, new age shit right? Not really. This is me telling you all a story about how visualization is actually working.

Last Monday I decided I was going to get flowers from someone within a week. Every night and morning, I thought about opening the door to our front door, seeing a delivery guy with flowers in his hands. No doubt entered my mind, and I just kept thinking about how happy I would be as I opened the door and get my flowers.

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 am and I knew it was the day it would happen, so I thought I couldn't go to the gym until after 9 am because the delivery guy would come at 9. So I made coffee and started studying. 9.15 am, I hear a knock on the door and I just know its the delivery guy. Yes, it was.
He stood there with a flower arrangement in his hands and asked for Malena. I signed his paper and my hand was shaking. I opened the little note and these flowers were sent from my mom and dad for Valentine's Day. I need to add that I have spent 3 Valentine's days here and my parents have never ever sent me flowers before! Not for my birthday or anything.

What is crazy though is that I thought I would be more excited? This visualization thing was working its magic, even on the time I imagined it to happen, but I wasn't surprised. That's probably because in my head I already knew it would happen..

It's funny how it works. So now, I am continuing this experiment to attract something new every week.
This is a whole new world opening.
I understand that some people will think this is complete BS, and that its all just coincidence, but after everything I've been studying, reading about, experiencing, been through, this is very very real to me.

Other than that, this week has been awesome in every single way. We have been in a heatwave so I've been spending 4 days in a row at the beach and by the pool. I come alive, I feel so care free and I LOVE that I live here!

I'm overwhelmed

Well, I don't even know where to begin. I am so overwhelmed with everything that has been going on in my life lately. How this year started off, and that it's only been a month and a half but it could easily have been 6 months.

I have gotten through 6 weeks of 10 at Antioch. My second quarter is almost over, and I haven't even been able to register that it started. Since I got back, I have gone through physical and psychological pain. It is nothing I will share on my blog, but I am just so grateful that most of it is over and that the person who I was so close to leaving behind is still in my life.

I was planning on going home to Sweden in March, but I decided to stay here. I can't keep running back to Sweden every time something happens, I need to stare the problem right in the eye and just deal with it. Because this is where I live, this is home.

Anyways, life keeps on going, I meditate, I do my yoga, go to the gym, go to school, BUT. BUT, something major has happened; I started writing my book. 

This book so far is just a bunch of notes from experiences, inspirational readings, research on some topics, self-love tips, meditation, my own emotional ups and downs and how I handle them etc, but my goal is to finish it by the end of 2015. It will turn in to a guide on how to find yourself, be yourself and most importantly how to learn to love yourself. Very simple, and easy to read. I am very very excited! Because I have been dreaming about writing a book since I was like 10 years old.

I have started to practice something really important, which is about changing your own subconscious mind patterns. You practice visualization. And you need to reach a stage where you are so sure of the outcome you want that there is no anxiety, worry or frustration involved whatsoever. You Just Know.

Like you know that you will get home after work..

..I have made a new friend these last couple of weeks, and it was my favorite teacher Guy Smith who introduced us. He saw that we have similar goals in life, so he suggested we should get together for a coffee. I am so happy he did, because me and Jimmy have very good conversations about how to create the best life possible. Last time I saw him, he told me about his former boss in Sweden who has been his greatest inspiration in life so far. This man explained this phenomena of being so certain of the outcome that there is no other option, and he described it so simply and so geniously. Listen to this;

You drive to work in the morning. How do you get home after work? You get in the car and you drive home. What happens if the road you usually take is blocked? You find another way and drive around it right? But what if that road is also blocked? You keep driving until you eventually get home, right? Because even if you run in to road blocks, you don't just turn off your car and start crying thinking you will never get home, you just find another way because you know you will get home somehow.

This is how life works. You set a goal, and you need to know like you know like you KNOW that you will get there. And even if you hit some bumps or road blocks, you will not get frustrated and give up! You will reach your goal.

That's it for today. I am going to bed soon, I will say my thanks like I always do, and I will be so excited to get up in the morning because it's a brand new day filled with tons of opportunities.

Love.

I'm begging you not to give up

In this life we can never really rely on anyone else but ourselves. Even though you are surrounded by friends, family, lovers who you sincerely trust, the fact is that all you have in the end is YOU.
I know I have written about this before, but I can not stress this enough; YOU need to love YOU to the extent that nothing exterior will cause you to doubt your own worth. 

This is what I have been working on since this summer.
One year ago, I laid eyes on the person who would come to fool me like no one else for the first time. This person deliberately lured me into believing he was my perfect partner in every single way. As time passed, I opened up more and more because he manipulated me into thinking he could be trusted, and by the end of May, I was sure I had found someone I could see myself with. He spent 5 months convincing me he was someone he was nowhere close to being. As that reviled itself, I spent months blaming myself and thinking I was naive, stupid, and looked down on myself.

What happened to me after that would significantly change the way I see myself. I have been working on self-love for real for about 4 months and the changes I see in myself are breath taking. I still have work to do, that is obvious when I look to some of my thoughts, but I am working on it.

Some of the biggest changes I see in myself are these;

- I absolutely LOVE my body. 
I used to eat only "healthy" things, that in my mind were; salads, cottage cheese, fruit, and god forbid CARBS. I worked out all the time and if I didn't do some sort of exercise in one day I thought my body would change and get bigger the next day. For Real. I was that stupid. Because even though I worked out a lot and ate like that I was never satisfied.
Today, I eat carbs every single meal. Still healthy food that is good for me but I eat a lot. And I have never looked better according to me. I don't compare myself to others because that is a big fucking waste of time. I will never look like anyone else. I look like me and I love it. I am strong and flexible and I am damn proud of the way I look.


-I know what I deserve.
I am no longer afraid of letting people know what I think of their actions. In the past, I could take shit from guys and don't say anything just because I was afraid of losing them. Duh? Yes, I was that stupid too! I know today that I don't want a guy who doesn't want me and I would never dream of taking shit or bad behavior from them. A relationship is built on equality. No one is above the other.
To be noted here too is that I am a firm believer in change (obviously) and I believe anyone can change for the better and step up their game if they think the prize of doing that is worth it.

-I am no longer stressed.
Little over a year ago, I was so stressed out that my blood pressure rose to the ceiling and I had to go to the hospital several time for it. Big warning sign, and I started to work on meditation and took up my yoga practice.
I don't know what it feels like to be stressed anymore. Seriously. I have plenty of time to do my HW and still have enough spare time to feel bored. And to be stressed about the future? Nah. Why worry? I can't control it, all I can control is myself and my thoughts about it.

And you know what the trick is? To be happy NOW. I don't wait for things in order to be complete. I am complete. I have so so so much to be grateful for in life and I am happy.

Sure, yes, I break down and I feel sad and disappointed in people and events, but I stand on a firm ground of confidence and I know that life is all about ups and downs. Without the downs, how can we know what the amazing ups are about?

On my arm, I have a tattoo with the words "meant to be". The events I thought were some of the most horrific ones in my life has been shown to be the ones who caused me to realize the most important lessons in life. And they forced me to grow, and they forced me to work on my self-love.

Because I don't want to be insecure about my worth, my body, my future, and be a door mat that people can walk all over.

I want to be strong, confident and feel beautiful so I make that happen.

Who do you want to be and what do you want? Please don't give up and give in to negative thoughts about yourself. People see you the way you see yourself. Respect yourself and you will get respect.

Love will always win, because love is the only thing in this world that won't ever change. Real love outlives us all.

CHANGE

Throughout these 3 years that I've spent putting my thoughts in writing via this blog, I have grown tremendously. I have changed. 

You may say "people can't change". But you know what? People change all the time. If there's something I know for sure in life it's that everything changes. People, circumstances, places...everything. You grow, you get older, you realize what matters in life, and when that realization hits you, and I mean really hits you like a punch in the stomach, that's when you will want to change, and actually do something about it.

I try to put down experiences that I've had in this blog, and I feel happy when someone says I inspire them. But think about how long that inspiration lasts? You may agree with everything I write and share, and you think to yourself that you want to change too. But what are you willing to give up for that change? If your answer is nothing, then I'm sorry, nothing will change.

Why would you have to give something up in order to change? Well, it's not a tangible thing you need to give up. What you will need to give up is your comfort zone. You are a certain way and you are so sure that that's just the way you are and you will always be like that. NO. That's just an excuse for not taking the step that scares the living hell out of you.

It is what it takes. You are not just required to want change, You are required to be willing to change. There's a big difference in just wanting it and actually be willing to take action for it.
You can do it. Anyone can do it.

The importance of reaching out and be humble

You know what it feels like to be misunderstood right? When you try to communicate something that gets interpreted completely wrong. The other person reads something and comes up with a respond that doesn't match what you were expecting at all. A discussion might be the result. Or worse; a big fight.
For what?
Was it you who were sloppy when trying to explain? Or was it the other person who is to blame because he/she didn't understand what you were trying to say?

It is no ones fault. Misunderstandings created by miscommunication is more common than you think. You might think someone's upset with you, when that person feels the exactly the same way about you.
Because we all have a tendency to try and defend ourselves when we feel we are being treated poorly. So you say something in respond to make the other person feel as poorly treated as you, because you refuse to show how you really feel. But this turns into a circle of even more misunderstandings that eventually turn into something that can't be fixed.


What if you were to stop the circle and reach out? Be humble. Solve it. Talk about it. Face to face. Look into each others eyes and explain, and most importantly, be honest. Would you do it? Or be afraid of the pride issue?
Life is not a game. It is not about not being vulnerable, not about being the one on the upper hand, not about disrespecting other people's feelings, it is about finding a stability and be confident enough to be honest.

Not all fights or disputes develop from dishonesty, but a lot of them do.
I know from own experience, that when you try to act like you don't care, say things you don't mean to deliberately hurt someone, or try to push feelings away, it will only come back to bite you in the ass.
And regret is the worst feeling ever.

Next time you're about to act on impulse and say something you might regret, take a step back. Reflect, even if it's just a few seconds. Is it worth it?

Because remember; once you've said something or done something, it can be forgiven but it can never ever be erased.

Then what?

I am graduating in September.
I am an international student.
I am allowed to apply for a 12 month work visa when I have my degree, but, then what?
A very real scenario is that when that OPT visa expires, I will have no choice but to move back to Sweden in 2016.

Through the years, I've wanted to leave California and move back to Sweden 4 times, and the last time I really thought I would leave. I was gonna start a new life in Sweden. But something happened, that got me thinking. And I am certain that some things in life are just meant to be, circumstances will change to allow the right things to happen. I wasn't ready to leave although I thought I was for a while. I was meant to stay.

I'm here, and I have no clue what my future will bring, and even though that is exciting, I still want stability. It's what I'm longing for. Right now though, stability feels pretty far away. But then again, you never know.

The only thing I know as of this moment, is that I am incredibly grateful for the people I have in my life here. And in Sweden. The ones who want to stay in my life will stay, and the ones I want in my life I will keep. That's the way it is.

I love love love the friends I have that know I'm always in their heart even though it might be months without any contact. I miss you all every day.

Without friendship and love, I'm nothing.

And as for the title of this post..I'm just as eager as you guys to find out where I will be a year from now.

Spring clean; apartment and mind!

Hey everyone,

I'm sitting on our couch, doing HW and feeling super productive! I took a long morning walk this morning, and made a stop by the SBCC tracks. It feels so good starting the day off with fresh air before breakfast, I love it.
When I got in, both Jenny and Ellen were awake (which is NOT NORMAL) because it was like 8 am. But they are both jet lagged, thats why. I had some breakfast and started doing laundry.
Jenny cleaned basically the entire apartment yesterday and Ellen is currently cleaning out all of her old drawers and stuff. I feel like I'm a little behind..so I decided to clean out my bikini drawer (hey, at least it's something!) and I found my old keys that I thought I had lost! Super random, but I'm happy.

My spring clean will be to clean my mind. I will clean out my room and all my drawers too eventually, it's just that I'm not really an organized person. I believe in organized chaos..
But anyways; this spring will be the beginning of my future life as a positive thinker. I try to always see things through a positive perspective, and I am pretty good at it most times, although I am very good at giving myself a really hard time. I don't always have the greatest thoughts about myself and my performance etc. But this is all changing! It is a work in progress.

I feel so excited about everything right now! Spring is coming up, me and Kirstine will book a trip during spring break soon, school is going great, I adore every person that I have in my life right now, and yes, I just feel really happy!

I have my business planning class tonight, which is my favorite this semester. We all need to come up with a product that might eventually get launched. I always wanted to run my own business so this class is really awesome.

Have a great great day/night everyone!

Girls vs guys.

Ok. I'm gonna touch upon something that can be very sensitive to some people. Remember that this is my perspective, and what observations I have made over the years. 

From my point of view, girls can be way too needy. Seriously. And do you know why girls are so needy? Because they need constant reinsurance that the guy they date is still in to them. In their mind, when a guy does not text in a day or if they don't respond instantly, girls think that he's changed his mind and doesn't like them anymore, and they overanalyze everything he said in his last text. And she will worry. Until the guy texts or calls. Then she will breathe. For about 12 hours until the next time he does not respond within an hour..

This is bullshit. Doesn't it seem tiring? I myself have been in this situation, but I have learned through the years. If there is something I know about guys, it's that us girls will never ever fully understand you. And you guys will never ever fully understand us. That is why we need to meet in the middle. I support you, you support me. And we communicate, on equal terms. 

So guys, if you are not fully in to a girl and just keep her around for occasional hook ups, and you know that she's probably a little more in to you; just release her and put her out of her over-analyzing misery. If you like her and want to get to know her better and you see relationship potential, just try and answer her text within a reasonable time. And show a little effort. That will calm her.
Because I think I know this; guys do not think as much as girls do, maybe about 30% as much I would say. I think that if a guy feel comfortable with a girl, he doesn't feel the need to constantly reinsure her that everything's on track. Why would he? He just enjoys it, and what usually destroys that feeling, is that the girl freaks out because of his lack of reinsurance.
Although, and a very important although; some guys will want to reinsure you all the time because they like you so much. But how do we feel about that? They are too much right? There's no excitement in that, so those guys are usually out the door in no time.

Ha, I don't blame you guys for not understanding what a girl really wants.

But why is it often the girl who worries if the guy will stick around or not? Isn't it more important to try and figure out if you even want him to stick around? Some girls have a tendency to think more about the fact that the guy they date might leave them, than to actually try and figure out if he has the qualities that match her and her desires.

Just relax, and don't rush.

I won't fucking settle down until I know for sure that I have met someone who has the same values as I do. Who I can support will all my heart, and who will support me the same way. Who will respect and love all of me, and who I will respect and love with all my heart. Who will want an awesome relationship filled with traveling, laughter, excitement and everything but a hamster wheel.
That takes a while you know, to get to know a person, for real.
I will also make a vow to never ever wish that he should change. When you fall in love with a person, you fall in love with everything about them. Obviously, there has to be some compromises in every relationship, but then that is just what it is; a compromise, which means both parts meet in the middle, not one person changing for the other one.

What I want is just to be on equal terms. Show me how much you want me, as much as I show you how much I want you.

I know I myself can be a hard nut to crack, but once it's cracked...ya.  I'm just so over playing games.

Well..those were my thoughts this Monday afternoon.
Thanks for reading, and please leave a comment if I have upset you or if you agree or just want to add something.

First week back in California

Hey hey hey,

I have not been a good blogger! I know. I don't even have an excuse, because I haven't been that busy.
First week of classes is done, and I like all my classes this quarter too! I don't think it will be as hectic as the last one, and my schedule is ridiculously awesome. One class Monday morning, 2 after each other on Tuesday, free all Wednesday and one night class from 6-9 on Thursday, so basically; I have all day from noon off on Mondays, all Wednesday and all day Thursday until 6 pm. So, a lot of spare time and a lot of study time, which means I get to completely relax on the weekends! I am not complaining, although, if I know myself, I will get extremely restless!

Anyways, I have been enjoying myself a lot since I came back last Saturday night. It is always a bit difficult leaving everyone in Sweden, but as soon as I set foot here again, I know my place. This is where I have been educating myself for 3 years now, and this is where I have created a network that will work in my favor. I am beyond excited about this year! A lot of big changes and decisions are to be made, but I feel ready.

I thought I would go out this weekend, but ended up not feeling it at all. I had a great one though, me and Joe went to Eureka yesterday, which is still one of my favorite restaurants in this town, and ate a l o t. Their corn dog appetizer is amazing! I had them with my mom too last time she was visiting. Then I had the fig burger of course, and the sweet potato fries. Fell asleep early yesterday; full and happy.

Today has been lazy. It's been raining, and so I thought I would just stay in all day and watch netflix, but I ended up going to the gym for a few hours which felt really really good. Read a few chapters for my comm class tomorrow, made food, napped a little, and now I'm just waiting until I get to go to sleep. I think I'm still suffering from jet lag to be honest. Right when I got in to the right rhythm in Sweden, I left and traveled 9 hours back in time..and it usually takes me about 8-9 days to get back in to the right rhythm.

My dear roommates will be back this upcoming week too, and I can't wait! It will be super nice to have my girls close again, so we can do all of our daily silly things. Love you, see you soon!

Time to tuck in.

Thank you Sweden

I'm currently at Copenhagen airport, waiting 4 hours for my LA flight. I like this airport, it's really cool. I'm tired though, because I had to get up at 3.30 am (!) to catch the air bus to Arlanda.

I'm sitting here reminiscing. Thinking about last year. It was a weird one, that started off with me on a solid cloud 9 only to hop over to another cloud 9 that was made out of thin air. I fell off harder than I ever thought. Anyways, it's all history now, and I am all good with everything that happened last year. And that was especially the first part of the year.

The second half, or the one starting in October when I got back to SB was awesome. I might have partied a little too hard and played a little too hard but I had fun. I realized a few things before I left SB in December too, and that is that I want stability. For real.

I'll write more when I'm back, safe and sound in our little apartment.

Love