D i s t r a c t e d

Espresso house, Vasteras.

I am trying to find motivation to write, but I get distracted over and over again. First by the mom and daughter who was sitting next to me, who had a wild discussion about wether or not the daughter should buy a bus card with 10 rides or not. They were super negative and complained about weather, money, bus rides, pains they had in their bodies etc. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them.
After that, a bunch of school kids came in and talked about the suuuper famous person who's coming to Vasteras soon. Kid 1 asked kid 2,3 and 4 if they knew who was coming. Kid 1 (14 year old girl) takes a guess; Nicki Minaj!! (I almost cracked up here) No, she was wrong. The one who is coming is Samir (swedish participant of Paradise Hotel). Jesus. I have no words. They were excited though so that was good..

What I am trying to say is I can't really focus here like I do in Santa Barbara when I'm at a local coffee shop. I think it's because this is a new environment right now. I find myself wanting to stare at people and listen to what they talk about because I want to know what it's like to live here again. Not here, Vasteras here, but in Sweden.

Because I have an important decision to make which is due in June.

Days like these, when the sun is shining and people are a little bit happier, it's easier to picture myself living here. Plus days like yesterday when I met my 2 best friends for lunch in downtown Stockholm. Imagine being able to do that every week. That's my dream, because I miss them tons.

Anyways, I'll try to get back to writing again. I did order all my books for next quarter though, and my new Victoria's Secret bikini number 9 (?) is on its way to my apartment in Santa Barbara. I am ready to go back and kick some serious school ass and look awesome at the beach.

See you in 11 days California.

Anger.

I think anger is a healthy feeling. It means you know your own worth.
IF you feel it for about 5 minutes, let it all out., and let go of it.

I can tell you that I have zero understanding for people who hold on to anger and frustration forever and are stubborn as hell about it. Why? You're only hurting yourself by doing that!
If you know that a person has done you wrong, lied to you, treated you wrong etc, let them fucking know that they are idiots, go workout, punch something if you need to, scream, cry, do whatever you need but let it go afterwards, and never chase them.

Because people who don't appreciate you do not deserve any of your frustration. They don't care anyways. Trust me. I have been on the other side. I've hurt people who care deeply about me, I know that. They didn't deserve anything I ever did to them. They have held on to anger towards me, told me how wrong I've done them, but in all honesty; I didn't care about it because I never truly cared about them.

Horrible isn't it? This is in my past now and I have learned a lot about myself since this has happened and I know now that by being honest and a decent person, you always treat people the way they deserve.

What I am trying to say is; See the positive side, be glad when you find out if someone did something that is unforgivable, because it means you can move on and find someone else who is so much better. Better to know sooner than later right?


Let go of the anger. Try hard to forgive the people who hurt you, and don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that what they did to you was devastating for a long time. Scream at them and let them know they did you wrong ONCE but never ever chase them and tell them again and again. That will only cause them to care less. and less. and less..

-Plus, there's thing awesome thing called KARMA which works every time. What you put out, you will get back. Trust me, I know this to because I have experienced it.

Happy Thursday everyone.

The two personalities of Malena

Hey everyone,

Stockholm

Right now, I'm sitting by my sister's kitchen table on Kungsholmen in Stockholm. The familiar voices from Nyhetsmorgon (Swedish Good morning America, basically) fills my ears and I am getting ready to meet my dear friend Camilla for lunch in a few hours.

Something you all need to know is that I am a different person in Sweden. I dress differently, I don't really know how to act or blend in, my skin feels better here, I smile at people who refuse to smile back, I feel "cleaner" in a really weird way, and I am hungry constantly when I'm here.

I am the one who actually left. The one who didn't speak just empty words of wanting to leave, but the one who actually did. I am the one who comes back to her hometown a changed person. A way more confident person, who seems happier and filled with a new calm. The one who would nail a great job in no time with 2 Bachelor's from he United States and the experience of having lived there for 4 years.

In Santa Barbara, I am the swedish girl. The foreigner who has to answer questions like, "Why did you choose California?", "Don't you miss your family?" and "Isn't is always super cold there?" But the one who found herself, and who fits in well.

since I am writing from my sister's computer, this is a pic from new years of us

I am the one who will have to work harder to find a job, to find an equal partner and a home with an acceptable standard for me. The one who left her roots and her family for good.

These are two different people, and I feel like I'm stuck.
Honestly, I have no clue what I want to do in September when I graduate. No idea.
You might think it has to lean more towards one option but no. I'm telling you, it doesn't.

Who do I want to be?

The struggle here is very real. So real, that it scares the hell out of me.

Relationship history..

Ok, brace yourselves. Pure honesty is coming up.

I had a boyfriend for about 2 years between 15-17 years which consisted of 2 years of destructive behavior, violence, and hurt, so I chose not to count that as a love experience at all.

I met my first love when I was 19. We met through a friend of mine, and none of us thought it would ever lead anywhere but it did. And through the course of one year, we grew in love with each other and to be honest, he is and will forever be the one that got away.
We broke up because I decided to travel the world, not because we did not have any love left.
And yes, this is 10 years ago.

After him, I have had 2 other relationships, one which lasted a little over a year and the latest was over a 2 year period. But looking back on those 2 relationships, I wasn't happy. I doubt I was even in love? Or no, I was. With the latest one.

But in between those two, and after the last relationship I had, (which is 4 years ago) I have dated. And dated. And dated. But never met the right person. There's always something that's off with the guys I meet.
I am a hopeless romantic and I expect the perfect guy to come in to my life when the time is right, and I believe that you will  k n o w that it's the right one. You won't have doubts. And trust me, I have had doubts with every single guy I have dated these last 4 years, which is probably why it never works out. Because I can't picture them in my future for real, and that makes me uncertain, and I don't give anyone 100% of myself, and I don't nurture it with positive thoughts.


I do believe I learn something from every person I meet though, and that they come in to my life for a reason.
There's no particular reason for me to write this today, I have not lost hope or anything like that, don't worry. I am more excited than ever to find out who will be able to steal this heart of mine and keep it.


I am leaving California tomorrow, and I am leaving these 11 weeks behind me once and for all. Because even though you learn through rough times, you still have to forget and leave it behind in order for it to not weigh you down.

When I come back here on April 4th, I will be filled with new energy, ready to finish 2 more quarters and graduate with my head held higher than ever, with so many life lessons in my bag, and I will be ready to decide if my future is in the U.S. or in Sweden.

When you feel broken and strong at the same time

For about 4 days now, I've felt like I am walking outside of my own body. I have a strange feeling of not being completely aware of anything, not even what my own feelings are.

I broke down completely on Sunday. I had tons of studying to do, but all I did was lay in bed. I wasn't even thinking about anything special, I just closed my eyes and tried to feel what I needed to feel.

The thing with me is that I am very passionate. I feel. I feel happiness deeply when I feel it, and I feel hurt deeply when I feel hurt. I am extremely good at controlling it when I have to, and I suck it up, but when I am alone, or with a close friend or family member, I truly feel. 

But these days I haven't felt. I have just felt broken, and unable to focus.

I am sure it all comes down to everything that's happened this year. I came back with high expectations on school and some people, but ended up being really disappointed. I have felt so under-prioritized. I have been through hospital visits and worry. I have lost a fellow student who was 25, which really hit me hard, and got me thinking about my future for real.

I started school on January 6th and it's over on Thursday, but I haven't felt like I have been present one single week. 

I am more than ready to be done with this quarter.

I decided yesterday that I will go back to Sweden over break. I leave on Sunday and come back in early April. I need to figure out what I want. Although, that seems to be an impossible task for me and my little head..I just look forward to seeing my niece, nephew, family and friends. And just be swedish for a while. I will come back more than ready to start my 3rd quarter.

As I have entered the year I will turn 30, I see things so differently. I know that I am here to learn, and to grow, and to inspire others. I don't see my obstacles or letdowns as something that makes me a victim, or question why it's happening to me, I know that I need them. Making the same mistake over and over until I finally learn is fine. Because when I compare how I have reacted now to when the same thing happened just about a year ago, I am a new person. I am the person I always wanted to be, and do you know how amazing that feels?

So yes, I have felt low, I have felt like I have been broken, but out comes a better version of me, who will treat both myself and the ones I love better.

It is all about growing stronger in this life. 

When everything's just..too much

I'm sitting at my new favorite spot, daily grind, having a smoothie packed with fruits which I really need. I have one class tonight then it's just presentations and turning in all the papers next week. My second quarter at Antioch is DONE, and I am so ready for it to be over.

Not that I don't enjoy being  at school, it's just that this year has started off really really..weird, and I feel like all the school work is falling behind since my mind is super occupied by outer factors.

Before I start writing about anything else, I want to express my deepest condolences for Austin's family and friends. He was a fellow student at Antioch, and I had classes with him at city college as well. His sudden passing was a shock to the entire school community, and my heart breaks thinking about it. I have been struggling with it a whole lot, and I have been thinking a lot about my own life, what I want to do and where I want to live etc.

Just to switch subject and talk about something positive, I have decided to write about some things that I have been requested to write about! My lifestyle. So I will try to describe a day off in Malena's life as short and consist as possible;

Wake up; 6 am. Drink a glass of water, roll out my yoga mat. Seated meditation for about 10 minutes before I do a yoga sequence. These sequences look different every morning, it all depends on what I feel like doing. I listen to my body and let it decide.
Make coffee, with coconut french vanilla (it's so yummie). Head down to the gym and get on the stair master for about 30-50 minutes, and then I usually spend 10 minutes stretching afterwards.

Breakfast; my absolute favorite meal of the day! Oatmeal with egg whites in it. I put one banana and blueberries in it, put on some unsweetened apple sauce from Trader Joe's (my fav place to do groceries), and top it with coconut milk.

Lunch; I usually make brown rice pasta, with shrimp, cottage cheese, olives and balsamic vinaigrette mixed up. That's one of my favorites and it's so fast. Or I do the same kind of mix, with some sort of meat, cottage cheese, some veggies and balsamic and put it in Ezeikel wraps. These wraps are called "protein wraps" and they are really good for you. I love them because I stay full for a long time. I usually eat 2, but if you don't consider yourself a very hungry person (like me) then 1 will def be enough.

Dinner; Usually the same as lunch, if I don't feel like making banana pancakes for example. Mash 2 bananas, mix with 3 eggs, and cook in a pan using coconut oil. That is enough for 5 big pancakes (yes I eat a lot) and I usually eat them with berries, and I sprinkle honey all over them.

Tips for healthy snacks are; RICE CAKES. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love rice cakes. I put cream cheese on them, then some banana and honey on it. It's super yummie, I promise!

And as far as my workout routine goes, I do yoga every morning, but I am at the gym about 4 times a week. If I am not at the gym though, I take walks. I love walking and if I am going DT for example, I usually walk from Oceano. It's about a 30 min walk.

That's it!

I am gonna go back to studying now..1 more week to go! I can do it.