Recipe to happiness

I've been picking up on some old knowledge lately and I feel super inspired. I know what I want and I know that it's right around the corner.

30 years of experience is paying off. I'm making decisions that are right for me, that I know will do me good. That's an amazing feeling. I used to do what felt best in the moment, just to spare myself, but what happens when you do that is you just postpone the pain or stress.

I no longer feel sorry for myself when something doesn't turn out the way I want it to, because it's just...life. I ca
n't control other people, I can only control myself and my actions.
Happiness is a choice, and I know, I've said that a thousand times before, but it's so true. Happiness isn't something you can chase or find when everything in life just fall into places and just expect it to stay. No way. You have to work with what you've got. Start collecting all the tiny things you're grateful for and keep them inside. All the small things will eventually turn into a big pond of power inside of you that will attract even more things to be excited and grateful for.

I'm starting a new experiment tomorrow. I'm gonna eliminate complaining from my life. I'm guessing I'll forget the first days or so, but I can do it. I will also completely eliminate the words " I can't" from my vocabulary. I will write a gratitude list every night as well.

I'm expecting wonders to happen in life after I start doing this. I'll start attracting more of what's good in life. Just watch me.

It's like looking up a recipe of something you can't cook. You trust that the recipe will turn your ingredients into a dish, and you have no doubts right?  I think it's the same thing in life. The recipe to finding peace and happiness is to eliminate negativity and open your eyes to everything you've got. Do you have doubts about that? I don't. I happen to believe in this with my entire being.

"wether you think you can or think you can't, you're right"

Happy Wednesday people.

Love.

I remember when I was 11 years old and had the biggest crush on a boy in my class. 

I had these stars that was glowing in the dark once you turned out the lights in the room, and I wrote his name with those stars so that his name was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep. He was literally written in the stars. I dreamt about being his girlfriend and I wrote about him every single night in my diary. Every look he gave me, every word he said to me, every move he made, be damn sure that it ended up in my diary that same night. I loved writing, and wanted to write an entire book by hand that I would staple together and send to someone.

Growing up, that boy in the diary was just a memory, but other boys came along. Up until I was 15, I wrote about the guys I "dated and thought I was in love with in my diary. (not just that obviously but a lot had to do with the boys in my life). I remember the day I stopped writing though, and it was when I had my first boyfriend Daniel and something really tragic happened that made me stop writing, and I started stocking up feelings inside instead. 

I wonder what kind of impact that had on me. I gave up the one thing I could do to release feelings. 

Up until this day, I have tons of feelings inside that I don't believe I've had the chance to vent. 

I am incredibly complex, and I have such a deep connection to myself that I scares the shit out of me sometimes. People in general can't possibly understand me and that makes me feel like I'm all alone. 

This is what I believed happened since I stopped writing about my feelings. I became one with myself and the thoughts and feelings I've experienced. Writing, even though it's in a diary that's mine, makes me feel like it's leaving my body.

This blog helps me a lot, and I always turn to this page when I need to vent. 

And this is when I release something that's been haunting me for 2 years and that still upset me when I think about it:

A person I trusted, someone who looked at me with eyes filled with desire, someone I could talk to about anything, who understood everything I said even though it would have sounded like complete madness to anyone else, a man who had eyes I seriously could stare in to for hours without stopping, who told me that my mind was the most beautiful thing, a man who was 10 years older than I was, a man who couldn't take his eyes off me, a man who made me feel sick, literally, out of butterflies. 

This man who was in a position that was no where near appropriate to approach me did it anyway. And he was in a longterm relationship with a woman since many years back, but waited 6 months until he told me. 

When that happened, I started writing poems. 

The anger and the hate that came out in those poems still gives me the chills. But it's a great example of how writing is a crucial part of my life, and that I need it like I need food, water and sleep to survive. 

So, this is where I make a promise to myself. I will have finished my book by June 1st 2017.

Or nah, make that published.

I have had the dream of being a writer since I was lying in bed as an 11 year old, staring at the glowing plastic stars that spelled Johan. 

I have failed miserably

6 months ago, I was in Santa Barbara, drinking rose 5 times a week, soaking up the sun, saw friends every day and I appreciated every day because I knew that my time there was about to end.

My 6 months mark is coming up in 2 weeks and right now I'm on my couch in Stockholm, missing the person I was in Santa Barbara more than ever. I miss ME more than I miss the place or anyone else back there.

I'm pretty open in my blog and anyone who's been reading for a while knows that I used to suffer from severe panic attacks and anxiety. It wasn't until I moved to Santa Barbara that I learned to let that go. I found myself in yoga, mediation, new beliefs, new experiences.
I became grounded, by truly looking into myself. I started observing the mind, and the thoughts that I had. It's like I have 2 different personalities inside of me. One that keeps thinking the negative stuff like: "I can't do this, I'm not smart enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough", and the other sane one, who kept telling the other one to stop thinking these things and focusing of positive affirmations like "I am positive, I can do anything, I'm confident, I'm strong".

In SB, I learned to listen to the right voice and I felt more confident than ever. I was balanced. I learned to completely eliminate stress for a while. I knew that I had overcome my panic attacks, my anxiety, the eating disorders that I experienced because I didn't feel like I was good enough, and I had overcome fear. I tried new things, I was fearless.

The last couple of weeks I've started to to recognize anxiety and I have struggled to find meaning. Why do I get up in the morning? Why do I keep acting like the hamster in the wheel that I've promised myself that I would NEVER become.

My mind is driving me crazy right now, because I need to find meaning so bad. I refuse to believe that life is just about eating, working, working out, sleeping, then get old and die. This world is way to extravagant to be just that. There's no way. I refuse to believe it. I just need to get back on my path. The search for MY meaning.

I've fallen out of my path, and I became lazy. I started letting the negative voice take over again because I forgot about all the things I believe in. I've failed miserably when it becomes to being true to myself and be the person I want to be. But that's ok, and I'm glad I've realized it, because that means the right voice is still in the game. That voice is the one that's telling me that I need to get back up, fight the negative one, and find my happiness again.

Do you wanna know something? Human beings today live from the outside in. We let all of the outer circumstances decide how we feel. It's so wrong. So wrong! We need to live from the inside out. When we feel good inside, the outer circumstances will automatically be good. 

I know how to get back to myself, the one I was 6 months ago, and I know I can do it where ever I am in this world, but I will have to fight harder than I thought. I thought that I would be able to stay the same once I left California, but the fact is: you slowly get back into the Swedish mentality.

-If you don't fight it of course.

I know this feeling..

I'm smiling uncontrollably. I have butterflies. I feel some sort of rush through my body plenty of times every day. I'm laughing. I feel sooooo good.

Who thinks I'm in love? Correct.

I'm in love. But I'm in love with my life, nothing else.

I'm a little superstitious yes, and I've read a lot about the fact that 2015 was a rough year, or a year filled with changes, for the majority of the worlds population, and it certainly was for me.
I actually woke up on January 1st feeling like a new person. Honestly. And I feel better every day.

These two weeks since the new year started have been the best in a long time. I've realized that a lot of what I was feeling at the end of 2015 was pure illusion. I couldn't be happier over the fact that I'm finally back to feeling like my old self.

I'm working out, I'm working, I'm sleeping like a baby every night, I spend time with amazing, inspiring people every day, and I feel like I've finally found my place. I love my apartment and I'm so proud of it. I love my job, and I'm really proud of that too.

Everything happens for a reason, and some things may be really rough but it always teaches you something. The most important lesson I learned from 2015 was to trust my gut instinct. When red flags turn up at the beginning of summer..don't ignore them and dismiss them for months, just trust them and save yourself precious time and sometimes pain. Don't ever ignore the gut feeling, because you always know.

What I know about 2016 so far, is that I love Amsterdam, that you can still party like a rockstar until 7.30 am and meet cool people to have awesome nights with even though you're 30, and that I'm going to Dubai in March.
I think I know some more but that'll be my secret for now.


I'm happy. I'm really happy. After rain comes sunshine, every time. Remember that.

One promise for 2016.

It's a new year in 3 days.
Usually, I'm excited about this time because it means I can "start over" with a brand new year.
I've changed my mind about that.


First of all; I'm a visual thinker, so I see the year as 2 columns that run diagonally next to each other, January/June in the first one, and July-December in the second one. I see weeks (monday-sunday) as a capital D, only it's reversed. The days all have different colors too. Monday is white, Tuesday is grey, wednesday is yellow/orange, thursday is grey, friday is green, saturday is red and sunday is black. The hours of the day look like a mountain, it's uphill until noon, but after that it's downhill until midnight when it starts moving uphill again.

So when I need to let something go, I visualize it behind my back. I put it in an imaginary storage and I lock it up with the biggest lock, thinking I can just leave it there. This rarely works. As soon a a thought pops up in my head that I have locked up, I panic a little and I put it back in the storage.

This is also the reason why I have always loved when a new year begins, because that means starting over. I used to believe that with a new year or month, I get that closure and I can forget everything in that storage once and for all. Although, there's a big problem with this. What happens when I start over and the thoughts or feelings I've put behind me from the past year start haunting me? I get disappointed. It's the same with new years resolutions that I stopped making years ago.

So this year, I won't start over. I won't leave anything behind, I won't lock up any thoughts, feelings or people in my storage. Because locking them up means keeping them, that's the whole thing! If I just keep feeling and thinking, keep it around me, everything will be processed in its own time and it will leave me when I'm ready to let it go.

What I will do though, that I promise myself, is to talk to the mirror every day. Affirmations is the simplest thing to do, yet not a lot of people believe in the power of them. I am one of those who do, and I will talk to myself and give myself pep talks every morning.
Because the thing that affirmations do, is that they change the way you see yourself. To look at yourself with kindness and love, and to believe in yourself is crucial in order to be happy. We all encourage the people we love to be great and we know they have it in them, so we give advice, support and lovebomb them when they are feeling down. Talking to the mirror is doing the exact same thing, only..it's giving yourself the same support.

The new year is coming, but this time I'll just keep moving towards personal growth. I won't let 2015 go, because all the years that have passed since 1985 has taken me to this point and I can't change a thing. I don't need closures, because closures means more or less forcing yourself to let go. Let go when you're ready. Life is not made up by days or years, it's just..a timeline. One timeline.

My only promise to myself from now on, is to make sure that I put myself and my wellbeing first during my timeline. Not because I'm selfish, but the exact opposite. It's when you feel amazing that you can be supportive and love unconditionally. I want to be able to give that to the people I care about, so I promise myself to support myself every single day.


Instead of Happy New Year, I wish you all a happy continuos moving forward on your timeline.

What a difference

It's such an amazing morning. I meditated, and I did it with a purpose again, which I haven't in more than 2 months. I've done yoga 3 mornings in a row, and I have filled my fridge with juices, veggies and fruit.

I'm listening to Iration, drinking coffee, and preparing to hit the gym.
I have found my way back to motivation. I remember this feeling, but I haven't felt it in forever and I can't even explain how excited I am about my future at this moment!

I've gone through a really messed up thing these last couple of weeks, where I was thrown into a surreal situation that I just had to solve immediately. It was the ultimate explanation for my behavior and the feelings that I've been having lately that I don't recognize.
Even though I share a lot in this blog there are certain things that I will never ever share, I respect my privacy, and I hope that you all do too.

What's important here is that with the right tools, you can find your way back to yourself. I was on a path where I dropped everything and just let the negative spiral drag me along. To hell with that!
I feel like a new person now. Today especially. You know when you feel like nothings really changed but your attitude towards life, and suddenly all you see are all your blessings? It's the best feeling in the world, because it means you don't need external items or people to feel happy when you've been far down, because it's always about your attitude.

I'm so happy that I'm able to use the hardships I go through as very important tools in life. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, like everyone does at times, but I always manage to feel gratitude for the experience when I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of blaming situations and say "I am like this and like that, because of what happened to me and I can't change that" and feel sorry for yourself all the time, use the same situation and say "Fuck yes, I'm so grateful that it happened to me and it made me realize that I can live through it and it made me stronger".

I look forward to my future journey, and I keep planning for the upcoming week instead of planning an entire year like others usually do. Nothing ever turns out exactly the way we plan, so just go with the flow. Let whatever happens to you happen to you.

My future week will be spent in Amsterdam with 2 of my best friends, and that's all the planning I need to do right now. I'm finishing this year with my head held high, and 2016: just bring it.

What happened?

I'm not blogging.

That's the topic for this entire post.


I started writing when I was a kid. I wrote stories about grocery stores that magically disappeared and ended up in the middle of forests where kids like myself lived, since they had run away from their home. I made up song lyrics that I happily sang to my parents when I was 4-6 ish. I kept a diary for 7 years from 10-17. I wrote novels in school, I wrote novels at home before I went to bed, and I loved it. I have always loved writing, and the ultimate dream is to become a writer, for real. To finish that book I've been bragging about that I started writing but never finish.


This blog has been my sacred place. I write when my heart is heavy, or when I feel inspired, or when I learn something that I want to share with you all.

But. I'm not blogging now.


The changes I've been going through these last 3 months should have had me writing every single day! Why did I lose it?
It's not the only thing I've lost though.
I've lost the urge to do yoga every morning. I've lost the urge to run, to meditate, to read, to plan my future, and to write.

I spent my Saturday night crying my eyes out. I thought about the person I was in Santa Barbara vs the person I am now with the sad eyes, and I think that 3 months after I sat foot in Sweden again, I finally realized what happened. I left. I'm not going back.

Everything happened so fast since I got back, new apartment, new city and a job within 4 weeks.
I'm not saying that I regret moving back home, I just think I repressed it a little all this time because I wanted this move to be as good as it possibly could.
It's not an easy thing to do you know, to switch environment after 4 years. Especially when it's Santa Barbara which is the most beautiful place in the entire world, filled with the most positive and inspiring people I've ever met.

I'm writing this post now.

I realized that I'm losing what is me. I love writing, I love my yoga, I love meditation, I love reading all the books I have bought about the meaning of life and the power of our thoughts, and I'm proud over all the hours I gladly spend at the gym. Those things have been a big part of my life and I can't lose them because that would mean losing Malena. It's up to me to stay true to myself and what I believe in. I'm me, wether I'm in Santa Barbara or Stockholm or anywhere else in the world.

Sometimes you need to push yourself a little in order to remind yourself of what you love and why you are doing certain things. You love the things you love because they represent you and your core beliefs. Stay true to that. I will.

positivity as the main ingredient

People keep asking me if I miss California.

Obviously, yes. 

Although, I don't miss it anywhere near the extent that I thought I would. I love living in Stockholm. I love love love my little apartment. I'm staying busy, and time flies. I'm still very much adapting to the new job and I'm noticing that I've lost a lot of what I've always preached. 

I've been writing about the harm of stress many times before, and I'm almost ashamed right now about how much stress I've allowed into my life. My teeth and my jaws have been sore because of all the gnashing of teeth. My body has literally been shaking from time to time out of stress. I've been way too emotional and I've felt extremely weak.

I allowed stress to completely take over. I stopped meditating when I needed it more then ever before, and I stopped doing my yoga practice because at the time I actually believed that yoga and meditation was bullshit. That's how bad it was.

I'm back on my yoga mat. I'm meditating before I go to bed, and I sit in lotus position every morning for at least 10 min. I try to focus on the positive things in life, because the reason why stress took over was simply because I focused on negativity. It's so important to put energy into focusing on the right things. What's hard though is to turn the focus when you're far down the line. It's soooo easy to focus on positivity when everything is pretty good in life. It's 1000 times harder when you're spiraling downwards. 

I am one of the luckiest people I know. I'm surrounded by people I love being around, I have my own place where I feel super comfortable, I have my entire family living in Stockholm now, I'm healthy, I'm loved, and I'm home where I know I belong.

I'm using the cliche; "I'm too blessed to be stressed". 

Every experience adds to being able to appreciate life more. If you have been super far down, it leads to being able to experience higher highs. Because I believe it goes both ways. The trick is to focus on the good, and to work towards staying at that high. 

There's no such thing as being too positive. I don't believe you need to be harsh in order to try to teach others something. I believe in lifting others, and doing that by bringing positivity into their lives. Who doesn't want positivity? Who doesn't want people smiling at them? A team, a relationship, a friendship, everything in life needs positivity as the main ingredient. 

I'm pouring a glass of red wine now. I'm gonna write a gratitude list and I'm crossing my fingers that the nausea and freezing will be gone tomorrow.

Focus on the right things people. 

Love. 

Then, and now.

I can't even remember how long its been since I blogged! I'm so sorry. A lot of things have happened since I wrote last time..I was unemployed and didn't have my own place, I was frustrated and I was restless. BUT:

I bought my apartment on Mariaberget in Stockholm 3 weeks ago and I'm moving in in a week. I can't wait, because now I'm forced to commute since I got a great job as project manager at a really cool action marketing agency in Stockholm! And even though it's just a 55 min train ride from my hometown it's still rough. I wake up at 5 am and get home at 7 pm ish..

About a week ago I took a walk during my lunch break and I sat down in this park close to where I work. For some reason I started thinking about where I was 6 months ago, and suddenly I remembered how I felt about everything. How I felt about moving back to Sweden, about what kind of job I wanted, about where in Stockholm I wanted to live and so on.
As I was sitting in that park I just got some sort of awakening, and it hit me that I was actually starting to settle in, and that everything I was stressing about back then was solved..and that I'm really happy.

I was so indecisive 6 months ago. It was a constant battle in my head. One day I wanted to stay in California and live the simple hippie style life forever, and the other I wanted to move back home and settle down. I was sick of being in school but I was terrified about start working again too. I was scared of turning into the person I was in Sweden before I moved when I was 26, if I decided to move back. I was equally scared of ending up alone if I stayed in California, without close friends and my supporting family.

All that is dead and gone now. I haven't felt regret even once since I bought my place and got this job. I'm right where I want to be. I will always miss Santa Barbara, but I needed to leave in order to move forward. I am ready for whatever this new life has to offer. I'm already super challenged by my job, and I know that this experience will turn me into an incredibly strong individual. In this field, you need to have some balls and stand up for yourself, and I am more than up for the challenge.

I made the choice, and I chose Sweden.

Badass

Sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for myself. When I do, I look myself in the mirror and say you're a badass and you can do anything.

I will never allow myself to loose hope and faith in what I want.

I am such an impatient person, it's ridiculous. When I started driving before I got my license, I was so upset with the car, not with myself because I couldn't drive stick flawlessly the first day, nope, it was a the car's fault. When I started doing yoga a couple years ago, I was frustrated because I couldn't get all the poses right immediately. Same thing when I started running, I expected to be able to run 10K the first time, and when I couldn't I was angry with the shoes. When I walk behind people who walk slow, I can't stand it and I have to pass them even though I'm not in a hurry what so ever. 

I need a purpose. I need something to do in order to get out of bed in the morning. I bet people who graduate after 4 years of hard, stressful work likes the time off to recharge but not me. I am seriously going crazy. I expected to have a job lined up as I got home. 

What is starting to happen after about 2,5 weeks in Sweden without anything to do, is that I'm slipping. I find myself, like I said, feeling sorry for myself, and I start loosing faith in myself, which scares the living hell out of me. I can't ever let that happen because I have always been so secure when it comes to confidence in the workplace. I know that I'm awesome, and that I will get a great job with an awesome salary, and that has been my mindset my entire life. So I can't slip. I can't loose the only thing I know I'm good at, which is working. 

I am extremely driven, and the worst overachiever you will ever meet when it comes to exceeding expectations. I need to work. I need it. 

Don't think I'm not on it every single day, looking and applying for jobs on all kinds of sites, I am. I'm not slacking. The purpose is to find the perfect job for me, and that's my motivation to get out of bed in the mornings now. I'm just impatient..sooo impatient. 

Plus, I'm staying strong for the people I love most, and I won't ever slip here either. I am strong, and I am sharing my strength to the very extent possible.