Be the person you want to be with

I have dated quite a lot these past 5 years that I've been single, and I have lived in California 4 of these years. This means dating swedish guys when I've been home during the summer or winter, and dating Americans while I have been in school.

Looking back at this time, I realize that I haven't been either available or ready to find the person I want to settle down with. I have qualities that I look for in a guy, such as stable, driven, social, and the most important one knowing what they want. BUT. The big BIG but, I haven't been all those things. Seriously, look at the way I have been acting! I haven't had a clue what I have wanted. I haven't been stable either. Driven and social, yes, but not the other huge qualities that I value so much in others. 

Realizing this has made me long for stability. I want to find an apartment now, a place to call my own, I want a full time job, I want routines, I want to be grounded. I want to stabilize myself. I don't want to run anymore. Ever. I want to face challenges and commit. 

How can I have ever thought that I would find someone who fits in to my description of perfect partner when I haven't been reflecting that back? This really is huge for me to realize, because it is so true. For all of us. We need to be the person we want to be with. We need to be trustworthy, loving, non suspicious, kind, open, stable, and we need to know what we want.

I am 30. I just finished my education, and I have always kinda known that I wouldn't meet anyone while I was in school because there's just too much to focus on and there are no real routines. Plus, I've been studying in the U.S., so the odds of meeting someone here and actually make it work have been small, but I have still had my hopes. 

I know now why I haven't felt like any of the guys I have been dating have been able to fit into my description 100%. It's because I have been seeing my own flaws reflected in them.

With that said, I will focus 100% on myself. I am becoming the person I want to be with, and when it all comes down to it, even if I never meet the perfect guy for me, that is all I really need because our relationship with ourselves is the single most important one we will ever have in life. 

Brutally honest

I'm sitting by my sisters kitchen table again, like I've done so many times before but this time it's different because I'm completely filled with anxiety.
This fall is nothing like I thought it would be.

I have been home for 5 days, and I am applying for a few jobs here but I'm not putting any soul into it, because I have a job offer waiting for me in Santa Barbara, plus a skype talk with a very influential man down in San Diego tonight.

Truth is though, I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm so confused and emotional and I don't recognize myself at all. I always knew that this transition would be tough, but I thought I was gonna stay here and not even think about going back to California, but since I got that offer I applied for my work visa with just 2 weeks left in the country and the visa won't get approved until December.
If I only knew what I should do, things would be so much easier because I would be able to put my heart and soul into focusing on that path. Right now it's just a rollercoaster of all kinds of different emotions. I want one thing one hour and the other thing the next.

People I have told this to tell me to just relax, since I haven't even been home a week yet, but I need a plan. I need something to focus everything on, I can't keep doing this because I don't like the way I am when I am indecisive.
I have suffered from anxiety in the past and all this is too much for me to handle so I am really struggling right now. It's hard to admit because I like to see myself as a strong, driven individual, but I am going through a rough time, and the anxiety is filling me up.

I know that everything will work out eventually, and I know that I have to think positive thoughts and all that, but now I need to just feel..sad. I need to be able to feel super sad about everything now. And that's ok. Because we can't all walk around and be happy or pretend to be happy all the time.

I am lost, I am crying a lot, and I feel empty. And that's just the way it is.

Who are my people?

I'm at LAX right now, eating chicken and rice, and preparing to take off in about 2,5 hours. I am excited to come home and see everyone but it's a really strange feeling.

I got in line to check in my bags and I didn't even have to look for the sign that said norwegian, because I could spot all the swedes from miles away. I got in line and I immediately felt that these are not my people. Not anymore. Obviously I will always be Swedish and I love Sweden to death but as I was looking at the tall blonde-ish guys in jeans shorts, and all the females who look kind of angry in Victoria Secret sweatpants that they bought here, I just thought to myself "where are all the super chill guys with hats in board shorts and the smiling girls in yoga pants". I think they are my people now.

I'm gonna give Sweden a serious shot, I really am, but being here changed me. Or no, not changed me, it just made me realize where I feel a sense of belonging.

I have always had the mindset that I can do anything and I believe in myself. That mindset is accepted here but not as much in Sweden. Swedes are logical people who tell me to think "realistically". Although, nothing in my life these past 4 years have fallen under the term realistic. Things happen here that you can only dream of in Sweden. Opportunities here are AMAZING.

I'm going home, I will find a job, I will live a swedish life but I know that I will leave my heart here, in California.

After this 11 hour something flight, my positive dad will pick me up and we will discuss my future and he will inspire me as always, then I'll be home and I will grab lunch with my encouraging mom who I know will support me in whatever I want to do.



I LOVE YOU CALIFORNIA.

Leap of faith

This spring, I thought I had my entire life figured out. I knew what I "had to do" and I was gonna do it. Things happened that felt right and that supported my decision. I was excited, I really was..

6 months later, I might be more confused than I've ever been in my entire life, although I am happier than I've been in a long time. An opportunity has opened up that will for sure lead me towards doing what I am truly passionate about, something that wouldn't even feel like work for me, but as doing what I love, which is to inspire positive change. 

My dream is to run my own company. I'm working on my first book that I want to publish, and I have this visualization about speaking in front of and inspiring thousands of people. I know exactly within what field, and I know what it is that I want to accomplish but obviously I cannot write that in my blog. 

Somehow I have always known that I was meant to do something big. I have known that since I was a little kid. The things that are happening to me right now are huge and they need to happen in order for me to continue working towards my goal. These things need to happen, and once again in life, I'm forced to take a leap of faith. 

I'm sorry for writing so vaguely about all this, I will be more specific in later posts I promise. I just felt a need to write about it to clear my head and realize that I need to stick to the path, because like all other humans I'm tempted to take the easy way out and do what is easy and comfortable, BUT I will follow my life's motto; Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. 

I would be crazy to not accept this opportunity! It's just that it scares me, but that is a good thing, because if life doesn't scare us sometimes we're not being challenged enough.

Ok, time to pack some more. See you in 3 days Sweden!

Gratitude.

I woke up this morning and felt a bit low, since my reality and everyday life these last years as a student is about to change. Although, as I started my morning I quickly switched from that to feeling an incredible amount of gratitude. All over the news and through my facebook feed, I'm reminded that 9/11 happened 14 ago. Tears fill my eyes and I feel so much love for my family and my friends. Gratitude for having them in my life fills my entire body.

I also spent some time reading Fabian Bohlins blog, who is a 28 year old Swede who is battling leukemia. I have been following his journey like so many others, and the gratitude for having a healthy body adds to my already existing gratitude. He is a great inspiration, and I am grateful for the fact that he writes me back when I write him. He is a beautiful person inside out.

The refugee crisis in Europe keeps getting worse, and the gratitude for having a home, food available, and a bed adds so much more.

As I write this, I almost feel guilty for taking things for granted. We all do that more or less. I was lucky enough to be born in an amazing country, being raised by loving supportive parents and a childhood where I had everything I ever needed.
My family is happy and healthy. I am happy and healthy. That is all that really matters.

I want to encourage everyone to stop for a moment today and just appreciate everything and everyone you have in your life. Yes everyone is struggling with things, large or small, and it's ok to struggle but it is so important to appreciate all the good things. Sometimes we let our problems take over and we allow ourselves to have bad days or even bad weeks or months. Fact is, we are alive and life itself is an amazing thing.
We are able to breathe without having terrible chest pain. We are able to walk without being scared that our next step will lead us to a country border who will refuse our entry.


Did you all know that when you feel gratitude, your heart's energy expands your existing energy field? It actually radiates a positive energy that is contagious.

I also want to tell everyone in my life how much I appreciate you. Even if we haven't spoken for a long time or haven't seen each other in a while, I want you all to know how much I appreciate your existence and that you have without a doubt taught me things that have been important for me, because every person you meet will teach you something.

It might sound silly, but I want everyone who reads this to smile at strangers today. At least 5. I always do that when I need a switch in mood. When I smile at someone I don't know and they smile back, it makes my entire day. I assure you that it makes their day as well.

Let's make this day, 9/11, a day filled with gratitude and love.

Last day at Antioch University

I came to the U.S. on January 4th 2012. I didn't know a soul in Santa Barbara. Wow, everything that's happened since that day is just..waaay too much to even start addressing.

Now that I'm so close to the end, it has pretty much forced me to think back on all the memories I have from these 3 years and 9 months. What most people might not know is that I was only supposed to stay for 5 months and try the experience, then go back to my life in Sweden. I ended up wanting to get my marketing certificate, after that I thought I could at least get my AA, and after that I decided to get my BA. Double Bachelor's Degrees in Business/Entrepreneurship and Marketing.

Here I am now,about to walk to Antioch for the last day of classes ever. Ever. 

I have finished my education in the United States. It's been a journey of no other kind, and I've met so many people that have either inspired me, supported me or taught me something. Friends that I've made are not friends anymore, and I've had acquaintances who very quickly turned in to friends. Teachers that have motivated me, (fooled me), kept me on track, and forced me to learn new things. 

My time at City College and Antioch University could be turned in to a reality show of no other kind. 

I have debated moving back to Sweden 3 times, I have thought I would do it every single time, but something major always happens that makes me stay. I watched a documentary the other day that's called "the power of the heart", and Paulo Coelho said that when you resist or doubt your life's real purpose, life will push you back 3-4 times in order for you to understand what you need to do. Let's see what life has to say this time. I already know what SB has to offer me and even though that is huge, I need to see what Stockholm has to offer me in order for me to want to stay there.

I am closing the book of being a student in Santa Barbara, and I am opening up a completely blank chapter. I still don't know where I will be when 2016 starts, all I know is that I am going home in 6 days. HOME. I need it so bad, because I haven't felt like myself lately. I allowed myself to let go of emotions and just go with everything. I have been buried in school work, seeing people, drinking too much wine, said things I haven't meant, and all because I turned into some sort of robot.

Things do happen for a reason though, and yesterday night while I was out with a bunch of Antioch people, something happened inside of me and I just felt this urge for grounding myself back home in Sweden. At least for a while, right..

The wild horse in me keeps on running.

I wish I knew exactly what I need. 

Wow, As I wrote that sentence I know that I already know. 

To be continued then..

The purpose

I started meditating about two years ago, and I have done it on a daily basis since. It has helped me a lot, with regulating emotions and not act on impulse. It creates a space between the feeling that arise and the action you chose to take.

What I didn't do until this quarter was to ad a purpose to my meditation. WHY am I doing it? Sure, I knew I did it to reduce stress, for it to calm me down, and because it made me feel super good every morning as I got out of the meditation practice. These 10 weeks though, I've added a real purpose to why I sit down every morning for 15 minutes. I know exactly what my goal is, and I repeat it to myself as I meditate.

I am well aware that a lot of people don't believe in meditation, but I can only speak for myself and the fact that my eyes actually teared up in class yesterday when we talked about the changes we have seen in our selves throughout this quarter. They are HUGE. My teacher shared my tears and she told me that I am a completely new person now then the one I was in the beginning of the quarter. She says I'm a huge bowl of sunshine now, and that she saw the worrying and the stress I was carrying around in the beginning of the quarter.

It's so important to listen to your gut. Because you always always always know when something is right for you or not. I chose to not listen to my gut, and I allowed my brain (and the norms of society) to take over. Fortunately for me, life happened and it reminded me of what I have to do and apparently it turned me in to a glowing person filled with positivity.


I am leaving Santa Barbara next Thursday. These four years changed my life in every way possible.  I have set a real purpose, I know exactly what I want to do and achieve, and I'm completely open to everything life has to offer me at this point.