What matters most in life.

I have had a few super productive mornings this week and this one certainly's one of them. Got up at 5.40 am, excited to get up (crazy) and I took the car down to the gym. Worked out for about an hour before I went home to do some HW, and then I went down to school to meet with my advisor. I now know what my very last quarter at Antioch will look like, and I am so so soooo excited! I'm graduating September 10th! I seriously can't believe it's so close. I've been busting my ass off for almost 4 years..

Anyways, I feel amazing right now (high on coffee), and I felt the urge to write about something that's been a very important part of me at least this past year; reducing dangerous stress. 
I used to be so stressed out. I was in and out of the hospital a year and a half ago because of it, since my blood pressure (which is usually very low) hit the roof. My doctor gave me muscle tension relief pills because every single muscle in my body was so tense. Stress has more or less been a part of my life causing both anxiety and sickness since I was in my early 20's.

This quarter, I'm in a class that's called Global Perspective on Stress. It scares the hell out of me because the readings connect basically all sort of cancer forms to stress, but it's also reassuring me that everything that I've done for myself this past year is extremely helpful. I already knew, of course, since I never stress out the way I used to anymore, but I need other people to know more about this because it can potentially save you from getting severely ill.

Dangerous stress is not external, it's internal. It's the one that keeps you up at night, worrying, visualizing the worst case scenarios etc. All the stuff you think you have to do. 
The book I'm reading right now called "When the body says No" show statistic evidence that people who develop cancer are very often the people who can't say no, and who worry about what others think of them, and who never wants to let anyone down.  This is a very dangerous form of internal stress.

This is what I have to say about it, and what I have learned through my own experience; If you want to be a supportive, strong person, who can be there for the people you love, the first thing you have to do, is work on yourself. Love yourself completely, and love yourself to the extent that you know you are doing your very best at work, that you alone are not responsible for the entire company, and don't picture the list of all the "have to do's" in your head when you go to sleep. Because if you keep prioritizing other people and things, putting your own wellbeing aside, you will break down.
Take time to be with you, work on you, love every part of you, complement yourself, be grateful for everything you have.

Make sure that you know what really matters in life. Don't make the mistake of getting yourself sick before you figure out that family, friends and love comes before working 12 hours a day to please a boss that won't thank you.
Stop for a second, appreciate your home, your spouse, your mom, your dad, siblings, pet, friends, the stranger who smiled at you and made you smile.

Take a deep breath, and let go of the mental pictures you have in your mind of all the things that could go wrong in life, and all the things you worry about not having the time to do.

Be you and do your best, that's all you can do. And that is enough. 

What if?

I have to tell you all, I have a quality that I absolutely love, and that is;

-I get super motivated by very little. 

Example 1; we had a guest speaker who just finished her masters from NYU. What happens in Malena's head? I see myself walking down the halls of NYU, stomping my heals, feeling extremely powerful. What if I should continue my studies on the east coast?

Example 2; I do yoga every morning, and I love it. I read yoga_girl's posts and I immediately want to pack all my stuff and move to Aruba and practice yoga day in and day out. What if I should become a yoga instructor?

Example 3; My younger sister calls me on Skype to tell me about this woman she saw on "Nyhetsmorgon" who was a successful CEO. She told me that she totally sees me in that position one day. I see myself as CEO, running a successful company, living in Stockholm, Sweden. What if I should start my own company in Sweden?

You all get the picture, right? This quality is awesome, because it keeps me motivated and it keeps me hungry for more. It keeps me working towards my goals. Although, what if this quality will keep me chasing for more constantly? What if I won't ever feel like I have enough? 

That's been one of my biggest fears for as long as I can remember. 

Anyways..it's Friday. It's a good Friday. I woke up feeling excited about the weekend, and the sun in shining. I'm off to the gym in a few, then study. I'm thinking about taking the car to the daily grind because I'm craving their smoothie.

If I only have until September in SB, I better make the most out of my time. I'm almost freaking out just writing that.. 3,5 years of my life in this beautiful city. I love you Santa Barbara, forever and ever.

Have a good one!

Sunday reflections

I have been back for just about 2 weeks, schools back in session, all the routines are back in order, but I feel different.
I like to divide periods of my life in to different sessions in my head, and close them before I start a new one. The period from January through March was so damn weird and so much went down. That's why I decided to go home to Sweden and mentally close it before I could start this new period in Santa Barbara, and completely eliminate what had held me tied to Sweden, so I did.

There is a big BUT to this though. I went back home to quit my job that had been my backup plan if I ever move back home, and to somehow reassure myself that I will not want to move back to Sweden. I was preparing to really commit to staying in California, at least until October 2016.
But you know..life doesn't always have the same intentions that you have, and what ended up happening was that I feel a stronger longing to move back home and to Stockholm than I have ever felt before. I spent so much time with my younger sister in her awesome apartment, with my older sister and her kids that I love more than anything, and with all my best friends who know me inside out and who I couldn't be more grateful for. I can honestly say now that I feel a stronger sense of belonging in Sweden then I do here.

The strange thing too is that the sense of freedom to stay in Cali I thought I would feel when I quit my job actually had the opposite effect. I feel like I let go of something that held me tied to my old life in Sweden, and as soon as I had hung up the phone I felt like a new world of opportunities opened up for me. I saw them all in Stockholm not in Santa Barbara or California.

It scares the living hell out of me though, I have to be honest. I've built a life here that I absolutely adore, and leaving it will crush me. Although..this can't and won't last forever. I know for sure that my future is in Sweden, so I will just have to suck it up and do it. Question is; will it be this September or next year?

You all know by now that I truly believe that some things are meant to happen, and that even though I am in control of my own life and it's my responsibility to keep a positive attitude, some things are just supposed to happen and make you want to change. I have become some sort of expert in seeing the positive side of every tough situation and accept them.
That's why I'm not worried about my decision. I have faith in the fact that I will feel 100% sure about what I want to do when the time comes, and that I will feel excited and happy.

Right now, I just feel like enjoying every single day of my life because it's amazing. I wouldn't want to change a thing. Except for maybe the possibility to fly back and forth to Sweden. Like..a few times a month or so.

We celebrated Jenny's birthday yesterday and the party was super fun. The jello shots were tasty. Yes.
Downtown was fun too, I got to see Sean who made my amazing painting! I'm so glad I ran into him!
Back home, me and Harrison killed it at playing beerpong again and I ran around with a red heart baloon in my arms the rest of the night. I think I was a little cuddle sick.
Good times for sure.


I'm preparing for week 3 at Antioch now, and I have cleaned my room. I feel pretty good.

Love.

I'm back again.

The plane hit ground at 11 pm on saturday and I face planted into my bed at 2 am. My flight was delayed 7 hours and I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to fly, since there were some technical issues with the plane. Thankfully they flew in a new one from Copenhagen so we were able to go. I was super tired so I managed to sleep 7 hours on the plane, and that neeeever happens! So I was doing ok when I finally got to LAX.

As I got out, Ellen and Jenny was standing there waiting for me with a balloon and a welcome home sign! Surprise. I love them. Some serious catching up and singing to music was going on in our car while we drove back. 

Sweden was awesome as always. I think this trip back was super important for me, because I was feeling really lost before I left. Plus the trip wasn't even planned which makes it all even better.

I'm still debating what to do when school is over though, but I'm not stressing about it. Things and people have happened before during these 3,5 years in California that have helped me in my decision making, so I'm just gonna go with it. 

Today is the first day of quarter #3. Bring it on. I can't wait to start it so I can finish it. I'm taking a bunch of pretty serious classes this quarter so I'm guessing I'll be pretty busy, but I honestly don't mind. I love having stuff to do. Although, I wish I could say I felt more rested. Fell asleep at 9.30 yesterday after a super yummie Easter dinner with the neighbor fam, but then I woke up again at 1 am, and stayed awake until 5! Slept about an hour after that but I feel completely out of it. I think I have time to take a nap before class starts today though.

Lets do this Spring quarter.