Let go.

Sunday night, and like clock work, all my deep thoughts come creeping out when the week is ending. I have started to notice that I see every week as a little chapter, and I really work hard on making every day as good as possible. Strangely enough the days that I enjoy most are the days I'm in school or sitting at a cafe studying. I get a weird kind of anxiety from having 3 days off every weekend, and this is very very weird I am aware off that. I just don't like not having stuff to do, because there's more room for my mind to wander.

I haven't been working a lot on my book lately, and I haven't felt the need to blog either unfortunately. The motivation really comes and goes, and the times I write the most are the times when I feel hurt or sad over something. That's when I need my own advice the most. Because I know that my inner me knows whats best for me in every situation.

Right now everything is really really good. I only have 3 more weeks in school, I bought my very first car yesterday, I am applying for internships, I have someone I miss, I love every friend and family member I have here and in Sweden, and I practice and I become a stronger more confident person each week, which I am so grateful for.

Because I have had doubts. I have had so many doubts about myself that if someone would get to be inside my head for a day they would be shocked. I am working so so soooo hard on making my own head a place where I feel calm and secure. My mind has a way of acting like a wild horse sometimes. It escalades really fast when it happens and I can get the worst anxiety. But I reached a point months ago when I just felt like I was so tired of being a victim to my own thoughts. So when it happens, I just yell NO! inside my head and I redirect my thoughts. It has been hard for me, but I am learning how to master my mind.

From last weekend, Valentine's Day

Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself every morning that "I Am Strong". Because you are. Remember my post called "we are all super heroes" ?
We all have powers we possess that takes us through the roughest of times. We just need to learn how to use them to our best capability. That is all done in our mind.

I believe outer factors can help us, but ultimately I believe that our thoughts run our lives. Since I started to really work on myself, I have seen changes in me and in my surroundings. When I let go, that is when things just clears up in front of me. When I let go of all the thoughts of negativity. Trust me when I tell you this. It is when you let go that life start to make sense.



Stop allowing your mind to run off and make up negative scenarios in your head, because trust me that is your biggest, most evil, self destructing enemy. 

A new world

I did an experiment last week.

I decided I was going to attract something, by using my thoughts. Mumbo jumbo, new age shit right? Not really. This is me telling you all a story about how visualization is actually working.

Last Monday I decided I was going to get flowers from someone within a week. Every night and morning, I thought about opening the door to our front door, seeing a delivery guy with flowers in his hands. No doubt entered my mind, and I just kept thinking about how happy I would be as I opened the door and get my flowers.

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 am and I knew it was the day it would happen, so I thought I couldn't go to the gym until after 9 am because the delivery guy would come at 9. So I made coffee and started studying. 9.15 am, I hear a knock on the door and I just know its the delivery guy. Yes, it was.
He stood there with a flower arrangement in his hands and asked for Malena. I signed his paper and my hand was shaking. I opened the little note and these flowers were sent from my mom and dad for Valentine's Day. I need to add that I have spent 3 Valentine's days here and my parents have never ever sent me flowers before! Not for my birthday or anything.

What is crazy though is that I thought I would be more excited? This visualization thing was working its magic, even on the time I imagined it to happen, but I wasn't surprised. That's probably because in my head I already knew it would happen..

It's funny how it works. So now, I am continuing this experiment to attract something new every week.
This is a whole new world opening.
I understand that some people will think this is complete BS, and that its all just coincidence, but after everything I've been studying, reading about, experiencing, been through, this is very very real to me.

Other than that, this week has been awesome in every single way. We have been in a heatwave so I've been spending 4 days in a row at the beach and by the pool. I come alive, I feel so care free and I LOVE that I live here!

I'm overwhelmed

Well, I don't even know where to begin. I am so overwhelmed with everything that has been going on in my life lately. How this year started off, and that it's only been a month and a half but it could easily have been 6 months.

I have gotten through 6 weeks of 10 at Antioch. My second quarter is almost over, and I haven't even been able to register that it started. Since I got back, I have gone through physical and psychological pain. It is nothing I will share on my blog, but I am just so grateful that most of it is over and that the person who I was so close to leaving behind is still in my life.

I was planning on going home to Sweden in March, but I decided to stay here. I can't keep running back to Sweden every time something happens, I need to stare the problem right in the eye and just deal with it. Because this is where I live, this is home.

Anyways, life keeps on going, I meditate, I do my yoga, go to the gym, go to school, BUT. BUT, something major has happened; I started writing my book. 

This book so far is just a bunch of notes from experiences, inspirational readings, research on some topics, self-love tips, meditation, my own emotional ups and downs and how I handle them etc, but my goal is to finish it by the end of 2015. It will turn in to a guide on how to find yourself, be yourself and most importantly how to learn to love yourself. Very simple, and easy to read. I am very very excited! Because I have been dreaming about writing a book since I was like 10 years old.

I have started to practice something really important, which is about changing your own subconscious mind patterns. You practice visualization. And you need to reach a stage where you are so sure of the outcome you want that there is no anxiety, worry or frustration involved whatsoever. You Just Know.

Like you know that you will get home after work..

..I have made a new friend these last couple of weeks, and it was my favorite teacher Guy Smith who introduced us. He saw that we have similar goals in life, so he suggested we should get together for a coffee. I am so happy he did, because me and Jimmy have very good conversations about how to create the best life possible. Last time I saw him, he told me about his former boss in Sweden who has been his greatest inspiration in life so far. This man explained this phenomena of being so certain of the outcome that there is no other option, and he described it so simply and so geniously. Listen to this;

You drive to work in the morning. How do you get home after work? You get in the car and you drive home. What happens if the road you usually take is blocked? You find another way and drive around it right? But what if that road is also blocked? You keep driving until you eventually get home, right? Because even if you run in to road blocks, you don't just turn off your car and start crying thinking you will never get home, you just find another way because you know you will get home somehow.

This is how life works. You set a goal, and you need to know like you know like you KNOW that you will get there. And even if you hit some bumps or road blocks, you will not get frustrated and give up! You will reach your goal.

That's it for today. I am going to bed soon, I will say my thanks like I always do, and I will be so excited to get up in the morning because it's a brand new day filled with tons of opportunities.

Love.

I'm begging you not to give up

In this life we can never really rely on anyone else but ourselves. Even though you are surrounded by friends, family, lovers who you sincerely trust, the fact is that all you have in the end is YOU.
I know I have written about this before, but I can not stress this enough; YOU need to love YOU to the extent that nothing exterior will cause you to doubt your own worth. 

This is what I have been working on since this summer.
One year ago, I laid eyes on the person who would come to fool me like no one else for the first time. This person deliberately lured me into believing he was my perfect partner in every single way. As time passed, I opened up more and more because he manipulated me into thinking he could be trusted, and by the end of May, I was sure I had found someone I could see myself with. He spent 5 months convincing me he was someone he was nowhere close to being. As that reviled itself, I spent months blaming myself and thinking I was naive, stupid, and looked down on myself.

What happened to me after that would significantly change the way I see myself. I have been working on self-love for real for about 4 months and the changes I see in myself are breath taking. I still have work to do, that is obvious when I look to some of my thoughts, but I am working on it.

Some of the biggest changes I see in myself are these;

- I absolutely LOVE my body. 
I used to eat only "healthy" things, that in my mind were; salads, cottage cheese, fruit, and god forbid CARBS. I worked out all the time and if I didn't do some sort of exercise in one day I thought my body would change and get bigger the next day. For Real. I was that stupid. Because even though I worked out a lot and ate like that I was never satisfied.
Today, I eat carbs every single meal. Still healthy food that is good for me but I eat a lot. And I have never looked better according to me. I don't compare myself to others because that is a big fucking waste of time. I will never look like anyone else. I look like me and I love it. I am strong and flexible and I am damn proud of the way I look.


-I know what I deserve.
I am no longer afraid of letting people know what I think of their actions. In the past, I could take shit from guys and don't say anything just because I was afraid of losing them. Duh? Yes, I was that stupid too! I know today that I don't want a guy who doesn't want me and I would never dream of taking shit or bad behavior from them. A relationship is built on equality. No one is above the other.
To be noted here too is that I am a firm believer in change (obviously) and I believe anyone can change for the better and step up their game if they think the prize of doing that is worth it.

-I am no longer stressed.
Little over a year ago, I was so stressed out that my blood pressure rose to the ceiling and I had to go to the hospital several time for it. Big warning sign, and I started to work on meditation and took up my yoga practice.
I don't know what it feels like to be stressed anymore. Seriously. I have plenty of time to do my HW and still have enough spare time to feel bored. And to be stressed about the future? Nah. Why worry? I can't control it, all I can control is myself and my thoughts about it.

And you know what the trick is? To be happy NOW. I don't wait for things in order to be complete. I am complete. I have so so so much to be grateful for in life and I am happy.

Sure, yes, I break down and I feel sad and disappointed in people and events, but I stand on a firm ground of confidence and I know that life is all about ups and downs. Without the downs, how can we know what the amazing ups are about?

On my arm, I have a tattoo with the words "meant to be". The events I thought were some of the most horrific ones in my life has been shown to be the ones who caused me to realize the most important lessons in life. And they forced me to grow, and they forced me to work on my self-love.

Because I don't want to be insecure about my worth, my body, my future, and be a door mat that people can walk all over.

I want to be strong, confident and feel beautiful so I make that happen.

Who do you want to be and what do you want? Please don't give up and give in to negative thoughts about yourself. People see you the way you see yourself. Respect yourself and you will get respect.

Love will always win, because love is the only thing in this world that won't ever change. Real love outlives us all.