3 am confessions

The plane from Copenhagen hit ground at 8.20 pm on Sunday night. Like every other time I enter Swedish ground and step foot in my parents apartment, I leave Santa Barbara Malena behind and focus on my Sweden life, although there's something different this time. A strong feeling of not belonging.
I love seeing my family, but I don't belong here. I feel...empty. Because these are my roots, my flesh and blood, my life for 25 years was here. But, my life for the past 3 years has been in California.

I don't feel like I belong 100% in California either, because I'm a foreigner, and I always will be even if I decide to live the rest of my life there. There's this feeling of being slightly different, and I'm not talking about the fact that there's a foreign accent when I speak, but it's the way I am. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, at all, I'm just different.

So where do I go from September 2015 when I have my BA in Business and Entrepreneurship?
Do I stay and work? Most likely.

I just sit here at 3.11 am, feeling a bit confused and lost. Jetlagged obviously, because I basically slept between 3 pm and 11.30 pm, and have been awake since. Sick too. I think my little baby niece gave me her cold, but it was totally worth it, cuddling with her. Angel face.

I look forward to Saturday a lot now though, when I will see the faces of my best friends in Sweden! That was supposed to happen tonight, but since I didn't feel well, I decided to rest and hopefully feel batter tomorrow (or, yes, today).

I'll try to get some sleep now. Love you all. I'll be in Sweden until January 3rd.

You have to take risks

"You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen".

Everywhere I go, whoever I talk to, there's always this fear. A fear of getting hurt, of being betrayed, of being unhappy. This fear though, does it make you happy? Do you feel better when you think the guy you are dating is with another girl, then if he actually was? Do you feel happy, strong and all powerful because you build walls around you and refuse to believe there are any genuine loving people out there, because you've been cheated on before? Is that a better feeling than to love fully and actually be betrayed?

My heart blackberry I found about 1,5 years ago

I would guess it's about the same kind of hurt in all these cases. 

This is why we need to let go. The only way we can be truly happy is when we love fully, and give all of it away without fear. To love fully though, we need a solid foundation. Solid as fu**. We need to fill ourselves up with love for ourselves. 

Practice self love, and open that heart of yours! Because you know what? It is super super super strong. 

What I always want to tell people who say they are afraid to love again because they've been hurt, is that they should be even more willing to take the risk now, just because you made it through before. If your current relationship falls apart, then you know for sure that you will make it through again, because you've done it before. 

When you are on the look out for betrayals, you don't love. You doubt. 
Let it go. Please. Spread love all around and release the fear, it is the only way.

Time to close another chapter.

I woke up this morning at 9 (!) I usually wake up between 6am-7am, so that was a surprise when I looked at the time when I woke up. I stayed in bed for a while and just stared at the ceiling, and thought about the fact that this semester is over. Everyone is leaving and when we all see each other again it will be a a new year, and a new term to look forward to.

Ever since I moved here, every single semester has been completely different from each other. New people, new classes, new teachers, new experiences, and I feel like I enter them with a fresh mind every time. It's like I reset my brain before I start a new semester, and I leave the old ones behind.

This one will be hard to leave behind though. I've had more fun than ever these last couple of months! I've been fortunate enough to meet so many new people, where one of them is a very close friend already; Ellen. Who would have though we would be best brahs after such short period of time? (note; we call each other brah, and everyone else too, but we are so not serious) And then there's Louise who has been my partner in crime for 1,5 years who won't be coming back to SB after this semester, which is breaking my heart.
The 4 of us have had such an awesome time these months! All the talks, laughs, dances (twerking 101, teach me how to dougie, reggae dancing while pretend-smoking at the same time...and more) We have a lot of fun at our place because we are very good at being our complete silly selves, thats for sure, and I'm filled with gratitude!

This weekend was s o  m u c h  f u n! 2 nights of pure stomach exercising laughs. I didn't get much sleep though, which is why I slept in for so long this morning. I made coffee and went to the gym, and now I'm just sitting by our little table, listening to music, blogging and throw an eye over at Louise and Ellen on the couch and smile for myself. My girls.

Life goes on, and goodbyes are a part of everyones path. It's hard to let go of such a great period of time and close this chapter, but many of the people I like will still be here next year, and I look forward to continue this crazy adventure of mine in Santa Barbara. 3 years.. The Malena who got on that plane on January 4th in 2012, thinking she would stay for 5 months, was so wrong. So wrong about many things in life. I wish I could go back and give myself a big hug, thanking myself for doing the scariest thing I've ever done. It is and will always be the best decision I could possibly have made.

Love.

d o n e. with everything.

I'm sitting in bed, covered in layers of clothes under my blanket, hugging my pillow with my left arm. The rain is pouring outside and it's super windy. My ears are filled with "wait" by M83, and I'm feeling...done.

I'm done with school yes, I finished yesterday and it feels so good! But I'm done with basically everything. I'm just done trying. I just want to be.

Sorry, I'm just so exhausted right now. School is over and I have time to relax. This year has been so turbulent. I haven't been able to process any emotions at all.
Until I do, and that's when it hits you.

I was on my way home from doing groceries the other day, feeling pretty stressed out and all I could think about was how I needed a hug. Not from anyone, but from the last person I should want hugging me. I haven't felt that in a very long time. I don't want anything from him anymore, but a long hug.
Because I need to know if he's ok, and that despite the fact that he did what he did, I will never hold any grudges. I just need those eyes to be filled with the same spark I saw this spring. I don't want to see the sadness anymore, that I saw again yesterday. I can't stand it.

I want people to be happy.
I want positive vibes.


Anyways, I'm not just gonna be all emotional and deep on you guys.
I am actually excited about a lot of things. A 3 week break, including a busy weekend (which is Louise's very last weekend in SB) that will be crazy! We are going to the casino tomorrow to get rich, and bring home a car. Saturday night will be the big goodbye party, and I'm just hoping I will be able to have a good time and not cry in her arms all night..
After that we have 4 days together to just take walks, sit on our couch and talk the four of us like we do almost every night. Do you have any idea how lucky I am to live with these girls?


I am so excited about Sweden too, I can't believe I'm going home in a week! Home, home, home. My family, my nephew, my niece, my friends, malaren outside of my window as I wake up in the mornings, chai latte at espresso house, christmas eve...and much more. I will make sure to make the most out of every single second those 12 days in Sweden.

Time to tuck in and watch some series before I fall asleep.
Have a wonderful day/night everyone, and remember to be kind. Just..be kind, and think about what effect your actions might have.

A dream.

I thought I would have so much to write about now that I finally take time to write but my mind is blank. No stress, no excitement, no nothing.

It could be because I'm really sick. I've been stuck at home for 4 days with fever and flu symptoms. I have barely been able to study these days, all I do is sleep. 

It could also be because Saturday was maybe as crazy as it could possibly get and I realized I need a change soon. I started feeling a sore throat before I took a lyft down to Kirstine's but I didn't listen to my poor body. 

Me, Elisabeth and Kirstine had one hell of a night. Cadiz, Eos, Cadiz, Eos. Falling, falling. 

I've been living like there's no tomorrow and even though that is a good thing, there are actually some consequences. 

Sunday was filled with anxiety. Not because I had done something wrong or bad or even worth mentioning, but because I can't keep living like this. I have been living like this since I was 15. And yes sure, I usually have an awesome time and we keep screaming yolo and laugh till our stomachs hurt because it's the most ridiculous word we know, and we do shots, we dance, we are forever young and yada yada.

But.

I have a dream. A dream to wake up next to someone super awesome, kiss his neck, scratch his back, say good morning and see his smile. Make breakfast together in our home, drink coffee, and read the newspaper while our feet play with each other under the table. And drink a few glasses of red wine on the weekends instead of half a bottle of vodka.

Yup.

This does not mean that I am on a desperate hunt. It's the opposite. I probably don't even have time for this dream to come true yet. I just miss being able to spoil someone. 

- - - - -

One more thing, next week is my last week in school! I'm done with my first quarter in one week. I'm so excited and I am actually looking forward to the next one, starting on Jan 5th. 

Have a great week everyone, and send me some healthy thoughts so I get better soon!