This is me.

Something happened to me tonight. I was watching this movie, that I picked out of a list of movies that a special someone sent me, and all of a sudden I just started crying. Out of the blue.
I had to hit pause, and sit up and just cry hysterically. I put my hand over my belly and I felt my tears running all the way down to the neck and suddenly I felt an urge to look up past lives.

I read about how we tend to remember scenes from past lives during the day but mostly while we are asleep and are dreaming. In every life, we try to make up for past mistakes.
Somehow, I think that I started crying tonight simply because I felt like I have made so many mistakes during my lifetime and something in a scene from that movie reminded me of that. I felt such a strong urge to make up for all my past mistakes so that I can find some sort of peace, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find it for real.

I was a horrible teenager. My mom and dad went through hell raising me. I was insecure all the way in to my late 20's, and in some ways I still am.
I've had a tendency to seek attention and validation in different ways my entire life, and somehow I never feel like I'm good enough. No matter how many times people tell me that I am smart, talented, beautiful, etc, I can't take it in. That's because I need to truly believe it myself and tell all those things to myself, and mean it from the bottom of my heart. 100%. I would say that I'm somewhere around 75%, and I'm working on it.

Tying back to reading about past lives, I got a deeper understanding to why I feel the way I do every morning that I wake up. For about 3-10 seconds, just as I'm opening my eyes, I feel something that can't be described in words. I feel myself from within. It's a mix of anxiety vs the coolest feeling you can ever imagine. I feel that I'm a alive, and that I'm a thinking creature with some much depth. I believe the body and the soul are two different components of the human being, and I feel my soul as I wake up, because that's when I'm as vulnerable as I can possibly be, and I'm somewhere between asleep and awake.

My life is changing right now, since I just switched careers, and when life takes turns I have a tendency to feel a bit uneasy, and unsafe. I need to go deep into myself to be reminded that even though life changes around me, I'm still the same person.
That's why I'm at home right now, blogging and just thinking on a Friday night instead of drinking, and that's why I looked up a shop close by where a woman can see and read auras. I'm planning on visiting her tomorrow. I need to figure out what I can do to deal with my past mistakes so that they don't keep following me.

To think and feel this much truly is a blessing and a curse, because I understand that people who aren't like me or can't relate at all just think that I'm losing my mind. I actually love the way I am and my ability to connect with the me inside, but sometimes I can't handle the anxiety that comes along with analyzing and feeling life too much.


Anyways, this is probably one of the most confusing posts I've ever written, and I'm sorry about that but it had to leave my body.

Happy weekend to all of you.

My advice to myself

Something everyone who's reading this blog need to know is that I write this stuff, this mambojumbo, these beliefs, solely as advice to myself. It's a gift that I have, and yes I see it as a gift, to be able to be my very own therapist. I have written some amazing things, and I can go back to re-read my posts to be reminded. 

This blog is my sacred place and I'm really proud of it. I LOVE the fact that people from more than 20 countries have come to visit my blog over the years and I am so grateful for the comments that are posted by people who I don't know or have a personal connection to. I don't think you know how much that means, especially since my number one dream in this life is to be able to stand in front of a crowd of thousands of people whom have read what I've wrote and who I can inspire.

Like I wrote in my last post, I have a lot of time to think these days. I'm reading, listening to clips, watching videos online etc. All to collect inspiration. This morning, 2 things came across me that was so spot on that it actually gave me chills.

I'm gonna write about the first thing in this post and the second thing in the next one.

Listen to this:

In order for new, better things to come in to your life you need to make sure you have space for it. 

I think I can speak for the most of us when I say that we all want more of what we love. We would like to travel more, have more money, more energy to do things, more clothing etc etc. Right?

But..we can't ask for more when we have our hands full. Where would it fit? And this is a metaphor. Try to visualize the things, the stresses, the thoughts that you're holding on to, as if you're holding it in your hands. For me it would be:

-the struggle of having the perfect body

-the stress of not having enough money

-the anxious feeling of not finding my person

-all the people that I have not yet been able to forgive from the past

-the pressure I put on myself as an employee, to always do every task flawlessly 

I certainly have my hands full, because these are just a few examples. How can I ever expect new good things to come and just swoop all those things away and replace them? It won't happen until I let them go and make space for new things. 

I hope you understand what I'm trying to explain. It's all in your head. The negativity you hold on to is working as an invisible shield covering you, and making sure new better things can't find their way in. Plus, I also think that IF the good things were to make their way in anyways, they wouldn't last long because old thoughts, insecurities and habits have a way of destroying things. Negativity is so powerful, it's actually frightening. I have experienced that.

No one and nothing will ever be able to fix you. Your feelings toward yourself will. You are the example. You set the example of how life will treat you. Love you, treat yourself the way you want life and others to treat you. It makes perfect sense, at least it does for me. 

The expression "you have to truly love yourself before you can love someone else" should be rephrased to: "you have to truly love yourself before someone else can love you". 

Look a little further

Before I moved to California and still lived in my apartment in downtown Vasteras, I remember reading a book and I think it was written by Paolo Coelho. He wrote about how people create a "magical space" which consist of 5 meters. We have that circle around us, and about 95 % of everything we see and notice are things that are inside these 5 meters. When you think about it you realize that it's true.

To be able to really see the world we need to look beyond these 5 meters. In that particular book, a woman started seeking the horizon. She started seeing beyond those meters and raised her head to see the horizon and she described it as "her soul grew". 

That quote hit me today and I don't even know why. I think I've been stuck in my little 5 m bubble more or less since I moved back home. It's a safe space indeed. I'm so ready to expand it again though. A lot. 

I need to challenge myself, and I'm talking about challenges that will make me a better person, not challenges that turn me in to a stressed and bad person. I need to see the bigger picture, look further, seek the horizon, see all the amazing things that surround me every day.

 I've been so hard on myself for a long time, and I haven't seen more than probably 2 meters around me. About a month ago, I walked 20 meters behind my best friend all the way to work and I didn't see her until we both had to stop at a red light. I was so caught up in my thoughts and my stress. I think that was my final wakeup call.

I truly believe that challenges are what makes you grow, but you need to listen to your gut. I finally listened and I made a decision that changed my life over night basically. I'm more than grateful for everything that I've learned since September, but it's time to learn new things and listen to what my heart says.

I've had time to sleep in now, workout as long as I want, read all my amazing books, talk to myself in the mirror, and most importantly: I WANT to meditate again! I've been doing it a few times a week more or less since I moved to Sweden but I've felt like I've been forcing myself. I look forward to it again now and that's HUGE, and I'm so happy about it. 

My soul grew so much during my years in California, but it managed to shrink back when I started letting other people and circumstances control me, and that's all my fault. I'm so ready to expand again and I'm suuuuuper excited about this summer! My gut tells me it will be the best summer so far in my life and I'm really proud of myself for listening to my body and my heart. 

Change comes from YOU, no one else. Don't ever blame others. You have the power, and you're in control. If you don't stand for opinions or actions of others, you don't have to keep them in your life. 

Surround yourself with people who can lift you up. People who will help your soul grow.

I'm re-reading "the power" right now, and this one quote had stuck with me all day:

" A change of feeling is a change of destiny."

Your perception of the world is what create your entire life. Life is amazing, I'm telling you, you just have to look a little further, and see the horizon. 

Love.