One promise for 2016.

It's a new year in 3 days.
Usually, I'm excited about this time because it means I can "start over" with a brand new year.
I've changed my mind about that.


First of all; I'm a visual thinker, so I see the year as 2 columns that run diagonally next to each other, January/June in the first one, and July-December in the second one. I see weeks (monday-sunday) as a capital D, only it's reversed. The days all have different colors too. Monday is white, Tuesday is grey, wednesday is yellow/orange, thursday is grey, friday is green, saturday is red and sunday is black. The hours of the day look like a mountain, it's uphill until noon, but after that it's downhill until midnight when it starts moving uphill again.

So when I need to let something go, I visualize it behind my back. I put it in an imaginary storage and I lock it up with the biggest lock, thinking I can just leave it there. This rarely works. As soon a a thought pops up in my head that I have locked up, I panic a little and I put it back in the storage.

This is also the reason why I have always loved when a new year begins, because that means starting over. I used to believe that with a new year or month, I get that closure and I can forget everything in that storage once and for all. Although, there's a big problem with this. What happens when I start over and the thoughts or feelings I've put behind me from the past year start haunting me? I get disappointed. It's the same with new years resolutions that I stopped making years ago.

So this year, I won't start over. I won't leave anything behind, I won't lock up any thoughts, feelings or people in my storage. Because locking them up means keeping them, that's the whole thing! If I just keep feeling and thinking, keep it around me, everything will be processed in its own time and it will leave me when I'm ready to let it go.

What I will do though, that I promise myself, is to talk to the mirror every day. Affirmations is the simplest thing to do, yet not a lot of people believe in the power of them. I am one of those who do, and I will talk to myself and give myself pep talks every morning.
Because the thing that affirmations do, is that they change the way you see yourself. To look at yourself with kindness and love, and to believe in yourself is crucial in order to be happy. We all encourage the people we love to be great and we know they have it in them, so we give advice, support and lovebomb them when they are feeling down. Talking to the mirror is doing the exact same thing, only..it's giving yourself the same support.

The new year is coming, but this time I'll just keep moving towards personal growth. I won't let 2015 go, because all the years that have passed since 1985 has taken me to this point and I can't change a thing. I don't need closures, because closures means more or less forcing yourself to let go. Let go when you're ready. Life is not made up by days or years, it's just..a timeline. One timeline.

My only promise to myself from now on, is to make sure that I put myself and my wellbeing first during my timeline. Not because I'm selfish, but the exact opposite. It's when you feel amazing that you can be supportive and love unconditionally. I want to be able to give that to the people I care about, so I promise myself to support myself every single day.


Instead of Happy New Year, I wish you all a happy continuos moving forward on your timeline.

What a difference

It's such an amazing morning. I meditated, and I did it with a purpose again, which I haven't in more than 2 months. I've done yoga 3 mornings in a row, and I have filled my fridge with juices, veggies and fruit.

I'm listening to Iration, drinking coffee, and preparing to hit the gym.
I have found my way back to motivation. I remember this feeling, but I haven't felt it in forever and I can't even explain how excited I am about my future at this moment!

I've gone through a really messed up thing these last couple of weeks, where I was thrown into a surreal situation that I just had to solve immediately. It was the ultimate explanation for my behavior and the feelings that I've been having lately that I don't recognize.
Even though I share a lot in this blog there are certain things that I will never ever share, I respect my privacy, and I hope that you all do too.

What's important here is that with the right tools, you can find your way back to yourself. I was on a path where I dropped everything and just let the negative spiral drag me along. To hell with that!
I feel like a new person now. Today especially. You know when you feel like nothings really changed but your attitude towards life, and suddenly all you see are all your blessings? It's the best feeling in the world, because it means you don't need external items or people to feel happy when you've been far down, because it's always about your attitude.

I'm so happy that I'm able to use the hardships I go through as very important tools in life. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, like everyone does at times, but I always manage to feel gratitude for the experience when I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of blaming situations and say "I am like this and like that, because of what happened to me and I can't change that" and feel sorry for yourself all the time, use the same situation and say "Fuck yes, I'm so grateful that it happened to me and it made me realize that I can live through it and it made me stronger".

I look forward to my future journey, and I keep planning for the upcoming week instead of planning an entire year like others usually do. Nothing ever turns out exactly the way we plan, so just go with the flow. Let whatever happens to you happen to you.

My future week will be spent in Amsterdam with 2 of my best friends, and that's all the planning I need to do right now. I'm finishing this year with my head held high, and 2016: just bring it.

What happened?

I'm not blogging.

That's the topic for this entire post.


I started writing when I was a kid. I wrote stories about grocery stores that magically disappeared and ended up in the middle of forests where kids like myself lived, since they had run away from their home. I made up song lyrics that I happily sang to my parents when I was 4-6 ish. I kept a diary for 7 years from 10-17. I wrote novels in school, I wrote novels at home before I went to bed, and I loved it. I have always loved writing, and the ultimate dream is to become a writer, for real. To finish that book I've been bragging about that I started writing but never finish.


This blog has been my sacred place. I write when my heart is heavy, or when I feel inspired, or when I learn something that I want to share with you all.

But. I'm not blogging now.


The changes I've been going through these last 3 months should have had me writing every single day! Why did I lose it?
It's not the only thing I've lost though.
I've lost the urge to do yoga every morning. I've lost the urge to run, to meditate, to read, to plan my future, and to write.

I spent my Saturday night crying my eyes out. I thought about the person I was in Santa Barbara vs the person I am now with the sad eyes, and I think that 3 months after I sat foot in Sweden again, I finally realized what happened. I left. I'm not going back.

Everything happened so fast since I got back, new apartment, new city and a job within 4 weeks.
I'm not saying that I regret moving back home, I just think I repressed it a little all this time because I wanted this move to be as good as it possibly could.
It's not an easy thing to do you know, to switch environment after 4 years. Especially when it's Santa Barbara which is the most beautiful place in the entire world, filled with the most positive and inspiring people I've ever met.

I'm writing this post now.

I realized that I'm losing what is me. I love writing, I love my yoga, I love meditation, I love reading all the books I have bought about the meaning of life and the power of our thoughts, and I'm proud over all the hours I gladly spend at the gym. Those things have been a big part of my life and I can't lose them because that would mean losing Malena. It's up to me to stay true to myself and what I believe in. I'm me, wether I'm in Santa Barbara or Stockholm or anywhere else in the world.

Sometimes you need to push yourself a little in order to remind yourself of what you love and why you are doing certain things. You love the things you love because they represent you and your core beliefs. Stay true to that. I will.