Lost my mind only to find it again

I've lost my mind these last couple days.
It went out the backdoor along with my lack of sleep.

I'm stressing, real bad. I know better, and I still meditate, do my yoga, my workouts, but somehow my mind decided to just stop fighting the stress and let it out. I needed it though.

Jeez, I haven't been this stressed since before that Christmas break in 2013. It's the pressure of getting all the school stuff done, but not just done, I have this need to hand in papers that stick out and that the teacher can actually enjoy reading, plus, crush my presentations. That's what it's all about for me because public speaking is weirdly enough a passion of mine. I always look around the room as I stand up there and I need to make sure everyone is paying attention and likes what I talk about, and if not everyone does, I feel like I've failed. I guess this time around, I am finishing 5 papers all at the same time and I just need to structure everything. I know I'll be fine though, and I usually do better when I'm not very prepared at my speeches, because I love to improvise, and never use notes.

I have talked about the stress now, I've dwelled, I've felt sorry for myself, and my psychotic thoughts that show up when I don't sleep enough have paid me a visit. I am not a fan of feeling sorry for myself and to walk around feeling like a basket case though so now I'm just gonna suck it up, drink some red wine nightly for inspiration, finish all my work, be awesome, hold my last presentation at 7 pm Wednesday night June 10th and hop on the airbus to LAX Thursday morning at 7 am.

All you wonderful people in Sweden, I will greet you all with the biggest smile on my face and I will feel light as a feather when this quarter is done. I can't wait to see all of you!

And yesterday btw, me and Jenny celebrated 2 years as roommates, and the very first day we moved in together, we said we'd have plenty of wine nights with swedish sticky chocolate cake, but yesterday was the first night we actually did it! My cake was a huge success among us, Sandy and Jenny's parents. It was a really good night.

Life lessons.

I'm thinking about acting on impulse and our self-control. All of us have probably acted on impulse and said or done things that we regret afterwards. You are in a stage of frustration and anger, and you spit out mean words or act crazy in general. This is all a matter of self-control.

I used to do this when I was younger. I got so caught up in frustration that all I needed was a reaction from the other person who according to me had put me in that emotional stage. I always regretted it, and was ashamed of my behavior after a while. The thing is..this behavior can not be justified afterwards. You can't take it back and make it undone. You can apologize, but the damage is done.

What my teacher talked about in my class yesterday was that people who want to change their impulsive behavior are told to do the complete opposite of what they usually do in these situations. To me, that sounds like a very hard thing to do, so what worked for me when I started to learn about my impulsive behavior was to write all my thoughts down. Write the text or the e-mail to this person, but send it to yourself! Go back and read it again an hour later, and make sure to thank yourself for
not sending it. Because trust me, you will.
Have enough respect for yourself that you won't allow yourself to do stupid things you'll end up regretting. I know it's way easier said than done, but hopefully this will plant a seed in your brain.

Another thing that I've been thinking about is relationships. I am a firm believer of constant maintenance, and to keep working towards a truly fulfilling relationship forever. So many people show their best sides, throw affection at each other and make efforts in the beginning of a relationship, but stop when they feel settled in the relationship. What happens to them when the going gets tough?

I believe in a 100% solid ground, continuos efforts and affection throughout life, to create a huge endless emotional account that will last through all the rough paths. You will have to be there for your partner and be his/her support system sometimes in life, as well as you need to be able to count on your spouse to be your support system as well. This will not be a burden. It will be given freely because to me, that is what love is about; a strong enough bond/friendship/love that will grow stronger through bad times, not let them break the entire relationship because it lacks a solid ground.

All of this ties back to my main thread through all my writings in this blog; self love. You won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship or control your impulses if you don't have a solid ground within yourself.

Don't look for reassurance in others, or expect someone to fix you. Trust this almost 30 year old, it won't work.

Flashbacks from another time

January 4th 2012

I was standing at Arlanda airport feeling like the loneliest  person in the world. I was about to leave Sweden and move to Santa Barbara. I will never ever forget how I felt. My future was completely unwritten and it freaked me out. As much as us humans are aware of the fact that the future is actually always unclear, we like to think we know sort of what our week will look like..and our weekend, our month, our year.

I didn't even have a home in Santa Barbara. Didn't know a soul. So yes, I was anxious. 

What happened as I arrived in LA and met my future roommates for the next 5 months at LAX is all history. Amazing history, stored in a very special place in my heart. 

Gosh..all the people I've met. All the friendships I've made. All the goodbye's I've had to make. All the love I've felt. All the love I feel.

My dad asked me when I was young what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn't have an answer to that, but I told him what I knew;

"Dad, I wanna live where the sun is always shining, and I want to live really close to the beach".

When I post pictures of leadbetter beach now which is right next to my house, my dad always comment;

"Your beach."

I managed to make my dream come true.

You can do whatever you want. Set your mind to it. Use the power and force that's in your heart and soul. Don't be fearless, be scared as shit so you can feel brave. What do you want to do? 

I'm about to make a really big change again very soon, and yes I'm scared. But I am using that fear to build strength. Because there is no better feeling in the world than being brave. Instead of seeing scary or unknown situations as something you recent, try to turn it around and think to yourself "Fuck yes, I can do this! And I will feel amazing afterwards!" Bravery is an amazing and powerful skill. 

I actually enjoy feeling a bit anxious/worried/scared about doing something new, or do a big speech etc, because I get to prove to myself that I can do it. 

Don't wait. Don't say; "Next time I'll do it". Do it when the opportunity comes. Do it for you.