When love wins.

I'm frustrated.
I have never been this frustrated before. But do you know what the weird twisted thing is? I feel a strange sort of contentment from it..from all the drama.

I was a strange kid growing up. Hiding from friends so they couldn't drag me along to the parks and play, and laying in bed with music in my ears, staring at the ceiling, was a big part of my childhood. I have always loved thinking. Daydreaming about a life that is different from all the others. Fantasizing about a fulfilled life, a happy life. I knew my life would be different.

What I always dreamed of is a life with a very important meaning. I want to explore, reveal truths, be inspired and most importantly; I want to be loved. A crazy, passionate, desperate, hot, amazing, true true true love.
That was the biggest part of my daydreams as a little girl. Staring at that white ceiling, dreaming about the boy who would set my heart on fire and keep it burning for the rest of my life.

One word can summarize my daydreams even as a grown woman; d r a m a.
I'm one hell of a drama loving person. Well, at least in my daydreams. I dream about a tough but super strong love. Filled with obstacles to climb.
Because to me, there is no greater proof of the crazy intense love that I want, than to move mountains to reach it.



I am ready to climb. I am ready to fight.
My heart is still pounding, my hands are shaking and my body is filled with all the energy I need to get through this rough steeplechase course. But. The import But; I have no right to do it.
And that is why I won't do it.
Your hand is not mine to hold.


This is where the contentment plays a part though. I spend a big part of my days doing what I love; just thinking. Listen to music that gives me goosebumps, stare out over the ocean, close my eyes, and daydream about the day when all this drama will make sense..

..the day when love wins.

.....

Crossroads..

Hey,

The school week is over and I just had banana pancakes with blueberries and cottage cheese while watching swedish paradise hotel (I know, I know)
I'm enjoying my free night.

This is how we live btw.

I studied for about 5 hours today at SBCC's library. That's the only place I can fully concentrate on reading. After that I went downtown to meet Jeanette who I haven't seen in a long time, it was so much fun seeing her. It always is. It's good to have someone your own age who does something different than yourself, to exchange experiences etc.

There are things happening in my life right now.
I had a super weird feeling yesterday, that what I choose to do at the crossroads I'm at, will determine a whole lot. I felt that I couldn't make that decision on my own so I let a "random yes or no button" on the web make the choice for me, and I promised myself that I would go for whatever answer that button gave me.
This might not sound very smart, but I'm a smart girl, trust me. My weakness (which is also a strength) though, is that I am a competitor.

Anyways, I'm covered in a face mask, painting my nails with Eddie Vedder in my headphones. He did a lot of the soundtrack for "Into the wild" Amazing songs.


I'm meeting with a girl in my class tomorrow morning, to prepare a discussion we're leading on Monday. 2 weeks down already, 8 left. This quarter will fly...
We'll see what I'll do for the rest of this 4 day weekend. Probably study a lot, but I want to try and stop by The Shop on Milpas for the best breakfast in town. I'll try to get the girls to come.

Have an amazing weekend folks.

From a sailing trip this summer

Your life - Your story

I'm going to be deep again.
The inspiration I'm feeling right now is almost tangible, it's like an aura of excitement.

I love learning, period. There is no better feeling in the world than feeling smart.
No words can describe how happy I am that I decided to continue my studies, and that's all thanks to my parents. Not many people know this, but I was only about 50% sure about going back this fall..
But now I'm here, and I have no doubt that Antioch was the right decision for me.

Life is amazing. Do you know that?
You might think; "Well, YOUR life is amazing Malena, because you live in Santa Barbara, with no care in the world" " I'm just here going to work 5 days a week... in grey weather... feeling depressed...relationship issues...tired, bored, etc etc".

I'm here to tell you that what your life looks like is up to you to decide.
And here you go again, thinking; "It's not that easy! I have an apartment, I have a job I can't leave, my spouse needs me, I can't live without this and that..etc etc".

You know what? Anything is possible, because if there's a will, there's a way. 
It's about what you dream about, but it's also about the steps you need to take in order to pursue that dream. Are you willing to make the changes you need to do in order to live happily and carefree?
Think about it. It's up to you.
I have made sacrifices, trust me.

I was super excited this morning because I got to go to school. I have Thursday-Sunday off (I study all the time though) but I like having duties during the days, so Monday - Wednesday are the best days of the week. I love studying in between classes too, at some cafe. Look at people, smile at them and daydream a little.

Ellen and I went up the tower in Santa Barbara court house yesterday! That only took me about 3 years haha. Can't believe I used to live on Anapamu and pass it every day, but never went up to see the view!  I'm really glad we went up there, it was pretty awesome.

Saturday

Saturday.
It's 12.47 pm, and I have been trying to study for about 2 hours, but with Ellen and Louise beside me, it's hard. We started listening to old music (Like E-type, Ace of Base and Aqua, swedes know what I'm talking about) and read old essays and stuff.
I'm going DT after lunch though I think, to meet Kirstine and do some reading for my Creative writing class Monday morning.

Louise just told us that she wrote a letter to her future self when she was like 11 years old, so we started talking about doing that now! I'm gonna write a letter to the 35 year old me. Then my 40 year old me, 50 year old me, 60 year old me and so on. Isn't that the best idea ever?
Motivational letters to yourself.



Oh and I just ordered some new books on Amazon. 2 by Jojo Moyes who wrote the amazing "Me before you", and one that my former english teacher just recommended me, "The Circle" by Dave Eggers, which I'm excited to read because I really trust his taste in books.

I'm gonna try to read some more now, have a great weekend everyone!

California living

I wake up around 5.30, stretch out in bed, stare at the ceiling for a while, yawn, and slowly leave the bed, to enter the bathroom. Look myself deep in the eyes, tell myself I'm fucking awesome, and put my hair up in a ponytail.

It's still dark outside, so the living room is completely black as I step into it. I close the door to the bedroom part of the apartment and turn on the kitchen lamp, sit down on the floor and face the window, and I meditate. Breathe. In. Out. For about 10 minutes until I'm completely calm. Do a series of yoga for about 30 minutes. Drink a glass of water before I plug in my headphones and leave the apartment.

My morning walks by the beach as the sun rise between the palm trees, usually last for about 60-80 minutes. It's usually house, dance music that fill my ears all those early mornings and my thoughts are usually wandering.

As I come back home, I make oatmeal with eggwhites, topped with blueberries, gojiberries, bananas and honey. A cup of yogi tea. Morning news at KEYT. Alone time.

After showering and putting on makeup, I walk for 30 minutes down to Antioch, buy a coffee, see all the new friends I've made, look around at all these people and the teacher (who was Anna Kwong this morning, AMAZING person) and I think to myself how incredibly lucky I am. How many people have the opportunity to get their degree in the US?

After class it's time for studying. And that is done at a local coffee shop somewhere. Today it was Roco. Maybe see a friend. Read. Sip on a beverage.

At the apartment during the afternoons and night, it's like a laugh fest. Memories are shared, jokes are made, discussions about ghosts come up, some of us try to study but it's hard because it's funnier to listen to stories about crazy guys or blonde hating teachers.

My everyday life in California people.

First day at school

Hey everyone,

I got home from Antioch around 5.30 pm today and I was there from 9 am. Had Academic Writing from 9-12, Educational Foundations from 1-4 and then an orientation thing for international students.
I am really tired right now! My head is full of new information and meetings with tons of new people.
It was so much fun though, I can totally tell that this is so different from CC. The classes are smaller and it's all about class discussions and creative thinking, I love it!
This university is a small one, and it's located right downtown in Santa Barbara. During the one hour break I had today, I just crossed the street on Cota and got a chai latte at French Press and did some reading. Love it.

I'm excited about the projects I will do in these two classes I had today, but I still have 3 more classes to attend this week, so ask me again on Thursday and I might be super overwhelmed!

Antioch University

I have to get down to IRS and fill out a tax form this week too which is a lot of work, and it's stressing me a little, but I just need to get it done. Maybe I'll go down there tomorrow? I don't have class until 6 pm, when I have strategic marketing. I'm def going to the gym tomorrow morning though, and run. And oh, great running song; John Martin - Love louder. I could run for hours with good music.
I'll try to sleep in tomorrow too, because I slept really bad last night..

Just wanted to let you know how my first day went. Have a great night everyone!

The patio

Back after a year..

HEY!

I miss blogging. So much. So I decided to pick it up, and use my old one that I unfortunately had to put down about a year ago because some pictures were stolen and used on a dating site by some crazy chick demanding money from guys (!)

Anyway, I decided to start sharing my life with you guys again because I'm a person who craves writing, and sharing emotions. I had so much fun reading through some of my old posts from this blog too. It really is like a diary.. And yes, this time I'm writing in english because it's way easier.

Farmers market DT

I finished at city college in July this year and got my AA in Marketing, yeey! I took math 107 this summer which was super intense and I'm seriously super proud over myself that I passed that class.

When me and Louise got our President Honors Roll diplomas this spring

After summer school, I went back to Sweden and I was there for about 4 weeks and France 2 weeks, having an awesome time. So much happened! A little niece was born, I lost my grandfather and I was able to attend the funeral just 2 days before I got on the flight back to LA..

So Yes, I'm back in California now and Santa Barbara! I still live with the same amazing girls, and I'm starting school tomorrow at Antioch University downtown. I will get my BA in business and entrepreneurship in September next year. Can you believe it? I was supposed to stay in SB one semester, spring 2012. Here I am, almost 3 years later. It's crazy actually, and so much has changed since that first semester. I am not the same girl that I was back then.

Me and Kirstine had a coffee at Roco this afternoon

I'll keep writing about my life now and also put in some memories and stories from this past year.
Hope you'll enjoy it!

Me, me, me, me

Jag borjar om pa nytt. Som jag skrev tidigare sa har jag haft sa sjukt kul mina tva forsta manader av hostterminen har, men nu i helgen sa hande nagot inom mig. Jag vaknade upp i sondags och kande att jag behover en nystart. Helgen var helt enkelt for galen, for mycket. En person kom tillbaka ett ogonblick i livet och fick mig att inse att jag aldrig nagonsin vill ha med den personen att gora igen.
Jag maste lugna ner mig och inte ga ut sa mycket, utan bara fokusera pa skolan, jobbet, min traning och pa MIGSJALV.

Nu i helgen aker vi till LA och moter upp Erika, och det ska bli jattekul. Kommer ta det lugnt nar vi gar ut pa fredagen och sen ta en lugn kvall och bara ga ut och ata eller liknande pa lordagen for att sen aka tillbaka till SB pa sondag. Mathilda aker hem sen pa onsdagen sa jag ska spendera varenda liten sekund med henne!
Sen blir det rehab fram till halloween. Promise.

Jag tanker mycket pa min framtid nu igen, och det gar fram och tillbaka: sverige eller usa? usa eller sverige? Tro det eller ej, men jag borjar kanna mig fardig med SB. Stannar jag sa flyttar jag. SF eller LA, dar jobbmojligheterna ar betydligt storre ocksa.

It knocks you down..

Jag har sedan jag kom tillbaka hit i juli haft sa sjukt kul, och jag har traffat helt fantastiska nya vanner och bekanta. Galna fester och skratt. Sett nya stader och bara haft det helt underbart.
Nu har skolan borjat och vi ar redan inne pa vecka 3. Det ar helt otroligt hur snabbt tiden gar.

Min syster ar har nu och hon har redan varit har i en vecka, men hon stannar 2 till. Alskar det. Vi delar sang och hon ligger har bredvid och laser sin bok. Jag borde egentligen lasa historia men jag ar lite ofokuserad. Jag tanker pa hur jag aldrig vill att det ska bli maj 2014 nar vi 3 som bor har kommer att flytta isar bla. Usch.

Helgen som var, va jattebra. Jag och Mathilda at sushi pa arigato pa fredagen sen firade vi en tjejkompis pa stranden pa lordagen pa dagen. Da kom Riley plus 2 vanner forbi ocksa, vilket var jattekul aven om det bara var en liten stund.
Kvallen fortsatte pa seven, cadiz, blush, tonic och sen hit. Jag hangde med RP hela lordagsnatten och vi har inte umgatts pa sa himla lange. Han kommer alltid att ha en liten del av mitt hjarta, sa ar det bara.

Nu i helgen ska vi ut och ata tapas och sa blir det sakert en eller 2 utgångar, vi har inte riktigt planerat annu. Helgen efter detta ska vi iaf till LA, och ner kommer da ocksa var van och vapendragare erika fran SF! LANGTAR!

Life happens

Forsta skolveckan ar avklarad, och jag kanner mig jatte nojd med bade klasser och med jobbet.
Jag har kannt mig supermotiverad och jag kanner att jag kommer att lara mig mycket denhar terminen.

Jag och Louise firade forsta skolveckan med att dricka nagra drinkar i torsdags. Borjade pa bar seven och sen vidare till wild cats (!) och sen tonic. Fredag och lördag var jatte lugna, och jag fick mycket plugg gjort och tranade, var ute och gick och fick bevittna en helt underbart vacker kvall i lördags.
Igar var det sunday funday som vi firade genom att borja med en mimosa brunch pa brewhouse. jag jenny, louise och megan drog sen til sharkeez for att komma till tonic runt 4.30. Dar bestallde vi vatten melon mojitos och hade en valdigt rolig, random dag. Manga valbekanta ansikten har jag sett denhar helgen, darav ett kart aterseende nar jag traffade rp forsta gangen pa 3 manader.

Idag har vi varit lediga, for att det ar laborday, sa jag har fatt lite plugg gjort och jag och louise har atit massor av mexikansk mat.
Nu ar det laggdags, for jag ar sa trott efter gardagens fest, och jag har 3 lektioner pa rad imorgon och sen jobb efter det.

Pa onsdag kommer antligen min syster hit! Som jag langtar efter henne. Min basta van och stöttepelare.