Getting to know yourself

To me, there's nothing more rewarding than getting to know myself and something that I'm proud of is that I recently started to make confessions to myself.

I do, because there are some things that I think we all think or feel sometimes that we're not super proud of. So instead of trying to just get rid of the feeling, panicking a little, shake my head and think "I'm not like that, I don't feel like that", I literally stop, and I reflect.  Yes, I'm actually feeling like this. Fuck, what should I do? Or, do I need to take action or is it just OK to feel like this?
Is the feeling valid? Where did it come from? Is it really based on facts or did I create something in my mind?

Very often, or no, 10 times out of 10, it comes from sh*t I've made up from scratch in my all so imaginary brain. I know that my mind is capable of creating physical pain in my body, I've experienced that one too many times now. I have written about how strong I've become and that stress or anxiety will never ever be allowed to ruin my wellbeing again.

Well, guess what. It happened. But. BUT, that doesn't mean that stress is here to stay, or that I will fall back in to some out of control state of mind. No. I have hundreds of lessons that I've learned that come well in handy now. I've learned all of them on this lifelong journey of getting to know me.

There are other situations where I do the same thing. I reflect on a feeling and come up with the same conclusion time and time again; My thoughts are like wild horses sometimes. But it's ok. It really is. I know who I am, and I know my reactions in some situations. The important thing is to not act on impuls to that reaction, and to reflect (is this really real?), because if not, it might end up hurting someone else or yourself.

Just because your reality is crystal clear to you, it doesn't mean other people will know your every thought. Think about it, the only way to try to get someone to understand you is to communicate. Someone else won't understand when you get back after you've reflected, saying "I didn't mean that, I'm not like that". Because yes, you ARE like that, but you don't have to act on it. Stop and think about it before. My advice to everyone is to confess to yourself that you do have feelings that you're not proud of, and that you know they're in your head, and that you want to learn how to deal with them. Because getting to know yourself and make these confessions is the first step to TRULY accepting who you are. When you get to know you, it will be so much easier to communicate with others, and to be honest.

No one is perfect. You can't strive for perfect, but you can learn from past lessons. You can learn how to communicate better.  With others, but also; with yourself. By making confessions.

The fear that lies within

I am a visionary person, I see the week from monday to friday as a flipped D and I see the year divided and in 2 lines like these: 

\\

I see my entire lifeline as one long diagonal line, in this direction / only not as steep.

The years are divided in to decades, and I think that's why I don't experience the common anxiety that people tend to have concerning their age. Because I kind of see 21 as the same as 29, since it's within the same "box". 

Now that I'm 31, I'm only in the third box of life, the third one out of nine. (Because in my mind I'm gonna leave this planet sometime in my 90's). 

The decade between 0-10 is kind of hard to define, but I do remember thinking a lot about life. One very specific thing that I learned in this box, was that I was a human being. Duh, right? But really, I thought about it in a different way. I remember that when I was in the bathroom, on the toilet seat, I always, ALWAYS, stared at one specific spot, right where the floor met the wall, and I thought to myself repeatedly: "I am me" I transcended to a stage deep within that was super cool, but I had to stop myself every single time since it scared me so much. I still did it all the time though because it was such an amazing thing, to actually realize that I was someone in this human body.

I was able to get to a sacred space which is my core self, at a very young age.

I think that was my starting point, from where I have developed and kept exploring this amazing tool, called our minds. 

It hasn't been an easy ride, and it still isn't. The journey resulted in panic attacks, depression, a great great fear of this life, and a scepticism; I have wanted t challenge the "rules of our society" since I was very young. 

My greatest fear in life is to fall victim to these rules, and to wake up one day when I'm in box 4 or 5 and realize that I actually do have regrets. I don't think that I'll ever allow that, because I know what I need to do in this box to turn my biggest dream in to reality, but it's still a fear.

I don't usually talk a lot about what I actually want to do, and what kind of life I want to live, because when I do, I see the reaction in people's eyes (the "omg, how are you this naive" look).

When I've talked about waiting for a love that's out of this world; a cool love story to tell everyone about, extreme attraction, my very best friend, crazy passion, fireworks, staring in to each others eyes forever and seeing the other persons soul, a love so strong that nothing will ever be able to break it, people have told me that I'll never experience that, because it doesn't exist.  You are too picky they've said, you have too high demands, no one will be able to give you all that, because then I would have to meet someone who wants the same thing and no one is that naive..

But I've stayed true to what I want, accepting nothing less. 

I want to live the life of my dreams, and to be able to do that I have to stay true to every single aspect of it. I need a plan. Because I actually have a scene in my mind, where I'm making money doing exactly what I want, having two places in different parts of the world that I call home, showing my 2 little kiddos the world starting at a very early age.

The years pass by so fast, and if we allow the autopilot to take over our minds, and settle in to what it comfortable, I think that there might be regrets. At least for me.

I know where I want to be, and I will start taking the small steps. Now. I just took the first one right here. Box 3, great things will happen here..