What I left behind

I'm used to saying that I just moved back home after 4 years in California. The thing is though..in 6-7 weeks, it's been a year.

In a weird way that I can't explain, that makes me feel like I'm loosing a big part of myself. Every day brings me further away from my life there. 

Something that not a lot of people know, and that will sound like the silliest thing in the world, is that I had this pillow...A pillow that was my best cuddlebud. I'd had it forever and it had this special smell, that I became addicted to. Hugging that pillow and plying with the corners of it made me feel incredibly safe. 

You can ask my roommates at the time. Every time I felt down or was stressed, I went into my room and I grabbed that pillow and sat with it in front of the tv. I didn't even think about it, I just knew that I needed it so I went and grabbed it.

When I left Santa Barbara on September 19th, I left that pillow. It was supposed to be my reason to return, because it was a huge part of my life, and like I said, I was addicted to it. I left a bunch of stuff, but my pillow was the only thing that I thought was painful to leave behind. 

I didn't return. 

I have no idea where that pillow is today, and when I think about it, it actually makes my stomach turn. I have to see the pillow as the one thing I had to leave behind to somehow move on with my life. It stayed with me through all the good and bad that was my time in Cali. 

I hugged it super tight during the flight that left Stockholm January 4th 2012, and I left it in the closet on 124 Oceano Avenue on September 19th 2015. 

It's been almost a year..but just like my pillow, I have to let go and not see my time in California as what defines me. It's an amazing experience and it will always be a huge part of my life, but at the same time, it's a chapter that's over. My story continues, and it does so in Stockholm, Sweden.

Forgiveness.

I'm thinking about forgiveness.
How many times have you said the words "I forgive you", and truly felt that you meant it? If someone's done something to you that requires you to forgive them, is it enough to just say the words I forgive you and then move on?

Nope.

I believe in forgiveness and I believe that it has two separate functions.

Every single person in this world has done and will keep making mistakes. You can choose to say that you forgive a person for something that they've done, but you have to make sure that you do with every single part of you, because once you say that you forgive, you can't bring it up in the next fight. Are you able to let go of the hurt and leave it behind? Or do you say you forgive them because you're scared of being alone and to loose that person?

If someone lets you down, they do something unexpected.

True forgiveness is when you let go of the hope that the future could have been different.

Our brains are programmed to plan stuff and with planning comes expectations. I believe it's a safety mechanism, because it's scary as hell not knowing what the future might bring right? 

Expectations can be so dangerous though, because this life comes with zero guarantees. 

When you forgive someone and do it with your entire being, you are making a statement that you will let it go and you will keep that person in your life. They are truly sorry and you will never ever punish them for that mistake, because you forgave them.

The other function that forgiveness has is when you forgive someone who's no longer in your life. A person that is not the slightest bit sorry for what they did to you. This type of forgiveness is super hard. But it's the same principle: True forgiveness is when you let go of the hope that the future could have been different.

When you come to the realization that things will never be the way you once expected (the dangerous expectations) you need to forgive that person to be able to let go. 

Let go of them, and let go of the hope that you held on to for so long. 

And don't forget to forgive yourself for holding on for so long.

Like I once wrote before: to be able to allow new better things to enter your life, you need to let go of the old stuff from the past. Because no matter how hard you try to carry it all, the new and the old, the old stuff will weigh you down, and eventually make you drop the entire weight and maybe leave you with nothing. Make sure the things you carry are light, loving and bring you nothing but joy.

Repair yourself

I ran in to a picture online about a year ago:

It got to me, straight to the heart. That pottery has character now. It's been broken but it's fixed with gold and it's pretty cool right? It's unique.

In between the age of 21-26 I went through panic attacks, severe depression, saw a therapist, couldn't work for 6 months, did multiple tests to see what was wrong with my heart, went on beta blockers to control the heartbeat, had ultrasounds, severe cell changes in the cervix stage 3 which is a pre-stage to cancer, had surgery, developed eating disorders..and went through a terrible heartbreak. 

But I got through it all. My parents, my friends, the support from others, and most of all, my own will and my vision to be this strong person, was and still is my gold. The gold that put the broken pieces back together. I believe I've got character today, I believe in myself in a way that not a lot of people do.

Us humans have such an amazing support system that heals us from anything. The body supports us, and say a heartbreak will eventually stop hurting physically, but our mindset is what will make the bigger difference. 

Don't close your mind, open it up. Seriously. Where you're at now won't be where you're at in the future. Picture all the possibilities. Take wisdom from past hardships, and remember that you've been through bad times before and you made it through. 

You will again. You've been fixed before, and life isn't about finding perfection, because you will be hurt, sad or broken again that's something we all know. Life is about finding the gold that will be your glue, the glue that will be there for life, and the gold that makes you..you. 

Repair yourself. The fucked up things that smashes you into peaces is what you can look back on and say thank you to. You learn from everything. Value that.