The best I ever wrote

I just woke up, and made coffee. I still haven't put my contacts on and I'm not wearing glasses so I'm stuck inside my bubble. Do you understand what I mean when I describe it as a bubble? And that I'm stuck in it?

I can't see clearly, not even 50 cm ahead of me. It's blurry, and I can't see any details. Once I put my glasses on or my contacts, I can see everything that surrounds me, and it's a feeling of freedom every time. I need help to get to this feeling of freedom though, because I was unfortunate to be born with terrible vision. I need external help to be able to see the world. I know that I need glasses in order to see.

If you're wondering what I'm babbling about, I'm actually trying to make a point. Because in my opinion, there are a lot of people who don't see their own potential, and all the opportunities that this world offers every single day.  It's because people walk around in their bubbles day in and day out and don't realize that there is actually "help" that will open their minds to what this life can offer.

It's not as simple as putting on a pair of glasses though, the help that it requires comes in the form of seeking knowledge.  Knowledge about yourself. Who are you? Do you feel like you have a deep connection to yourself? Do you believe that your job, friends, clothing etc is what defines you? Do you know yourself?

I can't tell you what to feel, but I can tell you to sit down and meditate every day. Make that a routine and stick to it. That is how you truly find knowledge about yourself and who you are. Meditation is peace.

When I was a little kid I had the weirdest thoughts about my life and myself and I can't really describe it but I have always had such a deep connection to the self that I am, and it has scared me multiple times. It IS scary. Because our lives are tough and we have feelings of sadness, rejection, happiness, anger, fear, excitement, stress, all the time and they come and go, and all we do is just go with it. We never really think or look deep into ourselves.

We all need knowledge about our own self in order to be able to take action and open our minds to what life has to offer us, for real. Do you have that knowledge? Do you want to find it?

Meditate. Find guided meditations that work for you to start with. People ask me "how do I know if I'm doing it right, what is supposed to happen?"
Well, my answer is: trust me, you'll know. The feeling is priceless. When you focus on the self instead of the outside world you find the most peaceful place in the entire world and you can't miss it.
Meditation is described as sharpening the brain, and that's how you erase all of the external stuff that you think define you, and your real feelings and needs can find their way out.

Good luck. I'm getting down on the floor now to be with myself for 15 minutes before I break out of the bubble and put my contacts on and go about my day, with a clear vision and a clear mind.

Recipe to happiness

I've been picking up on some old knowledge lately and I feel super inspired. I know what I want and I know that it's right around the corner.

30 years of experience is paying off. I'm making decisions that are right for me, that I know will do me good. That's an amazing feeling. I used to do what felt best in the moment, just to spare myself, but what happens when you do that is you just postpone the pain or stress.

I no longer feel sorry for myself when something doesn't turn out the way I want it to, because it's just...life. I ca
n't control other people, I can only control myself and my actions.
Happiness is a choice, and I know, I've said that a thousand times before, but it's so true. Happiness isn't something you can chase or find when everything in life just fall into places and just expect it to stay. No way. You have to work with what you've got. Start collecting all the tiny things you're grateful for and keep them inside. All the small things will eventually turn into a big pond of power inside of you that will attract even more things to be excited and grateful for.

I'm starting a new experiment tomorrow. I'm gonna eliminate complaining from my life. I'm guessing I'll forget the first days or so, but I can do it. I will also completely eliminate the words " I can't" from my vocabulary. I will write a gratitude list every night as well.

I'm expecting wonders to happen in life after I start doing this. I'll start attracting more of what's good in life. Just watch me.

It's like looking up a recipe of something you can't cook. You trust that the recipe will turn your ingredients into a dish, and you have no doubts right?  I think it's the same thing in life. The recipe to finding peace and happiness is to eliminate negativity and open your eyes to everything you've got. Do you have doubts about that? I don't. I happen to believe in this with my entire being.

"wether you think you can or think you can't, you're right"

Happy Wednesday people.

Love.

I remember when I was 11 years old and had the biggest crush on a boy in my class. 

I had these stars that was glowing in the dark once you turned out the lights in the room, and I wrote his name with those stars so that his name was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep. He was literally written in the stars. I dreamt about being his girlfriend and I wrote about him every single night in my diary. Every look he gave me, every word he said to me, every move he made, be damn sure that it ended up in my diary that same night. I loved writing, and wanted to write an entire book by hand that I would staple together and send to someone.

Growing up, that boy in the diary was just a memory, but other boys came along. Up until I was 15, I wrote about the guys I "dated and thought I was in love with in my diary. (not just that obviously but a lot had to do with the boys in my life). I remember the day I stopped writing though, and it was when I had my first boyfriend Daniel and something really tragic happened that made me stop writing, and I started stocking up feelings inside instead. 

I wonder what kind of impact that had on me. I gave up the one thing I could do to release feelings. 

Up until this day, I have tons of feelings inside that I don't believe I've had the chance to vent. 

I am incredibly complex, and I have such a deep connection to myself that I scares the shit out of me sometimes. People in general can't possibly understand me and that makes me feel like I'm all alone. 

This is what I believed happened since I stopped writing about my feelings. I became one with myself and the thoughts and feelings I've experienced. Writing, even though it's in a diary that's mine, makes me feel like it's leaving my body.

This blog helps me a lot, and I always turn to this page when I need to vent. 

And this is when I release something that's been haunting me for 2 years and that still upset me when I think about it:

A person I trusted, someone who looked at me with eyes filled with desire, someone I could talk to about anything, who understood everything I said even though it would have sounded like complete madness to anyone else, a man who had eyes I seriously could stare in to for hours without stopping, who told me that my mind was the most beautiful thing, a man who was 10 years older than I was, a man who couldn't take his eyes off me, a man who made me feel sick, literally, out of butterflies. 

This man who was in a position that was no where near appropriate to approach me did it anyway. And he was in a longterm relationship with a woman since many years back, but waited 6 months until he told me. 

When that happened, I started writing poems. 

The anger and the hate that came out in those poems still gives me the chills. But it's a great example of how writing is a crucial part of my life, and that I need it like I need food, water and sleep to survive. 

So, this is where I make a promise to myself. I will have finished my book by June 1st 2017.

Or nah, make that published.

I have had the dream of being a writer since I was lying in bed as an 11 year old, staring at the glowing plastic stars that spelled Johan.