Chains of the past.

“So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it.” 

To what extent do you allow yourself to let your past run (or ruin) your life?

Our past can never be changed, but the way you chose to blame your current situation on your past can. 

Your past doesn't define who you are, the past defines what has happened to you, but what defines YOU is the way you chose to look at your past, the outcomes of it and the way you act NOW. 

To be brutally honest, I have had tears running down my face, talked about and blamed past experiences for ruining me. For ruining my trust. 

But. BUT, I was the one who allowed it to ruin me and  I have the ability to change that. Nothing in my past will change, wether I chose to look back and blame, or if I look back and feel gratitude for all the let downs, because they taught me tremendous amounts of life lessons. 

I have become so extremely aware of how I react, how I use my defense mechanisms, how I feel in certain situations etc. I react, I act, and I learn something.

When I have done things on impulse (that I usually regret) too many times, I know that I'll never act that way again. 

You can change your pattern when you become that aware of your behavior, I know you can. Think about the person you want to be; Do you want to be scared? Or are you willing to take risks and get everything you ever wanted out of life?

The patterns in us that we follow on auto pilot, is usually created from past experiences. 

If you opened up completely and told someone your life story and they ended up hurting you brutally, you might not want to open up to the next person who comes along, who could be someone who truly cares about you and genuinely wants to know everything about you, good or bad. 

Open your eyes to what is happening right now, and I would say; Trust blindly. Trust in the good in people.

Don't let your old experiences ruin your chances of living a life free from the chains of the past.

Let them go, they're heavy as fuck.

Finding true balance.

About a year ago I hit a wall, I started doubting what I wanted out of life. It got me thinking, and it forced me to try new things, which I needed in order to eventually get back to and stick to my original path, the one to finish my degree and get out in the business/sales field.

1) What do I want? A challenging job, high salary, be a leader, stay busy, maintain a good body, a house or big apartment in Sweden, an apartment in California, drive my dream car (white porsche cayenne or a white range rover) start my own company, and be extremely successful.

2) What do truly I want? It's simple. I want passion, love, self acceptance, happiness, children, peacefulness, a healthy life, laughter, closeness, friendships, deep connections and quality time with the people I love.

What's wrong with these two? How can I want shallowness and attributes that only money can buy on one side and feelings no money in the world can buy on the other side? How can I want both sides when they are completely contradictory?

But are they though?

 I have come to realize, for example, that;
-In order to accept myself and stay true to myself, I need to be challenged, work hard, and know that I inspire others.
-In order to live a healthy life, I work out to maintain the body I love and that I am comfortable in.
-In order to feel peaceful, I need to stay busy and feel important to a company, because without staying occupied, I can't feel the true need of de-stressing and appreciate peaceful moments.
-To feel happiness, I need to feel successful, and that I am good at something.
-To feel true closeness, I need to do my own thing, keep my own interests and feel successful and not cling on to another person and their interests and think that that's closeness.
-To feel passion, I need to follow my dream of one day running my own business.

-And most importantly: To give and receive true love and to raise children in a family built on deep connection and love, I need to be me. The true me. I have tried to find me my entire life, and I used to focus a lot more on my "shallow me" and rely on what people thought of me, instead of focusing on accepting myself.
I am very sure of who I am now though, because I started listening to myself. I found balance between my two sides. Yes, I am driven, I am aiming really high when it comes to my career, (I believe I can do anything), because that is something I am passionate about and something I need, but I am also very aware of the fact that my family and my true friends will always always always come first, and that I will never allow myself to loose my need of connection, closeness, peacefulness and love.

I have made a vow to myself to always make time for the things that truly matter and not devote my life to making money and loose myself to the "shallow side". I need that side to a certain degree though, in order to not loose myself and stop following my own dreams to work hard and receive the things that I have always dreamed of.

I needed balance.

And awareness people, is the key to everything.

Don't suffer twice.

Sunday night..
..thoughts and feelings about the past week runs trough my head as always on Sundays.

First of all, I am so happy I'm in school.  I put a lot of effort in to doing my best, and being among the best in every single class, and even though putting that pressure on myself can obviously stress me out, I do it for me and no one else.
Going back to school at the time I did was the smartest thing I've ever done. I know exactly what I want, and I know I'll be successful, there's no doubt in my mind. If I had started school at the age of 20, I wouldn't have had a clue about what major to choose, and I wouldn't have been smart enough to know that developing relationships with teachers, do your best and speak your mind in every class is crucial to be able to claim your education.

Anyways, I've been fortunate enough to listen to the most amazing guest speakers this quarter. One that truly inspired me was this woman, Dr Gruver (I could have listened to her for hours) who came to speak to our class about mindfulness on Thursday. It was so inspiring.

I really believe in positive thinking, and that our thoughts create our reality. You chose what you see, and how you react to things that happen in your life. It can be very hard to see the good in tough situations at times, and I do believe that you have to let emotions out when they are overwhelming, but to worry and create scenarios in your head that aren't real, that is your amazing brains worst skill.

Dr. Gruver reminded me of all the things I already know, but the things you need to be reminded of sometimes.
Stress is created in our mind and it is basically just a bunch of worries about events that haven't even happened yet. She explained the reason why we shouldn't let stress take over in three words that I thought were completely brilliant, and that I will remember for the rest of my life;
Don't Suffer Twice.

-If you hate going to the dentist, you suffer by stressing over the fact that you are going there in 4 days.
-If you can't stand public speaking, you're only causing yourself to suffer if you allow yourself to feel bad about it days ahead the speech.

You can't know the outcome of things, that's impossible. Your brain comes up with outcomes based on what? Not reality, that's for sure. So since humans are experts on fantasizing and coming up with how bad a situation will be, and how much anxiety it will bring, we feel those feelings before the event even occurred. What if the situation will be an awesome experience? What if you hold the best presentation of your life? Then you suffered and worried for nothing.

We should use our amazing brains to create positive outcomes instead! See that speech as the best experience ever, see yourself doing a great job, see it as great practice. Try to create good feelings about it; you know you can do it because it works every time you think negatively about the situation. It will work the other way around as well, only it will take more effort and a strong will to want to change.

Stress is based on "what ifs". That's all there really is, and when you think about it like that it really puts it into perspective. Stress is created by your brain, it's not even real. So when those thoughts take over, come back to yourself. I actually use that line as a mantra when I let negative thoughts run amok, I stop and I literally just tell myself; Come back to yourself Malena.

Because the thing is, the only place where there is no stress what so ever is right now. 
Think about that for a little bit.