My 6 months mark is coming up in 2 weeks and right now I'm on my couch in Stockholm, missing the person I was in Santa Barbara more than ever. I miss ME more than I miss the place or anyone else back there.
I'm pretty open in my blog and anyone who's been reading for a while knows that I used to suffer from severe panic attacks and anxiety. It wasn't until I moved to Santa Barbara that I learned to let that go. I found myself in yoga, mediation, new beliefs, new experiences.I became grounded, by truly looking into myself. I started observing the mind, and the thoughts that I had. It's like I have 2 different personalities inside of me. One that keeps thinking the negative stuff like: "I can't do this, I'm not smart enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough", and the other sane one, who kept telling the other one to stop thinking these things and focusing of positive affirmations like "I am positive, I can do anything, I'm confident, I'm strong".
In SB, I learned to listen to the right voice and I felt more confident than ever. I was balanced. I learned to completely eliminate stress for a while. I knew that I had overcome my panic attacks, my anxiety, the eating disorders that I experienced because I didn't feel like I was good enough, and I had overcome fear. I tried new things, I was fearless.
The last couple of weeks I've started to to recognize anxiety and I have struggled to find meaning. Why do I get up in the morning? Why do I keep acting like the hamster in the wheel that I've promised myself that I would NEVER become.
My mind is driving me crazy right now, because I need to find meaning so bad. I refuse to believe that life is just about eating, working, working out, sleeping, then get old and die. This world is way to extravagant to be just that. There's no way. I refuse to believe it. I just need to get back on my path. The search for MY meaning.I've fallen out of my path, and I became lazy. I started letting the negative voice take over again because I forgot about all the things I believe in. I've failed miserably when it becomes to being true to myself and be the person I want to be. But that's ok, and I'm glad I've realized it, because that means the right voice is still in the game. That voice is the one that's telling me that I need to get back up, fight the negative one, and find my happiness again.
Do you wanna know something? Human beings today live from the outside in. We let all of the outer circumstances decide how we feel. It's so wrong. So wrong! We need to live from the inside out. When we feel good inside, the outer circumstances will automatically be good.
I know how to get back to myself, the one I was 6 months ago, and I know I can do it where ever I am in this world, but I will have to fight harder than I thought. I thought that I would be able to stay the same once I left California, but the fact is: you slowly get back into the Swedish mentality.
-If you don't fight it of course.
