Freedom and safety

A few years ago, I remember reading about the number one priority for women in a relationship. Then I got really curious about what the number one was on the list for men. (This is general obviously, but I found it kinda accurate)

Females need safety. We need to feel safe and secure and feel like our partner choose us and no one else. We want to feel like we're the number one coolest and that the man we are with appreciates us and all of our awesome qualities.

Men need freedom. They need to keep the feeling of being able to live their life to the fullest even when they are in a relationship. They need a female who understands this 100 %, and understands that it doesn't mean that he wants her any less just because he needs to do his own stuff.

I am no psychologist and no relationship expert in any way, but I would dare to say that it is these two that often collide, and probably more often in a new relationship. This can cause problems.

And I say CAN cause problems, because I think it's relatively easy to avoid this causing problems.

These needs are equally important, that's crucial to keep in mind. No female should compromise with her feelings and accept any kind of behavior from a man because he needs his freedom. Likewise, no man should ever compromise his need of freedom to make the woman feel safe.

I think that scenarios that often happen is, one:
When the female starts feeling like she wants to know if the man is committed and wants to be with her and no one else because she starts to feel like she is there. Before having a conversation about this, it might (and I say might, because it's not always the case) lead to her feeling insecure and needing more reassurance. She starts looking and asking for more reassurance and start demanding more from the man.
The male part feels this, and immediately starts thinking that it's too much, that he feels pressured, and he might start thinking that this woman will steal his freedom, or demand more of him than he is able to give, so he can't handle it and leaves.

Or the male part starts to feel that he is falling in love with the woman and might have this vision of a committed relationship as something that will hold him back in life. That he will lose his freedom. So he might start withdrawing because of this even though he doesn't want to. The female feels this and thinks; "Fuck it, if this guy doesn't want me, I have plenty of other options", and she leaves because she doesn't feel like the man appreciates her.

How easy would it be to avoid these scenarios? Talk about it. Where are you at? What do you want and need from me? Meet in the middle. All of us have different needs and wants, and the most important thing is that we can never expect to own another human being or try to control them. We can't change another person. Humans only change if they want to, and when we do it because it turns us in to better people. Listen to each other and understand each other. Judging leads you nowhere. 

And this is also something I just have to mention: Women need freedom too! Males need safety too!
No woman wants to feel controlled or be with a man who tries to tie her down and stop her from pursuing her dreams. No man wants to be with a woman who doesn't show him that she appreciates him and supports him.

I still thought it was interesting to know these two top priorities that the majority of men and women need in a relationship. I think many of us can relate to some kind of scenario where this could apply.

Just some thoughts on this friday afternoon. Communication is, like we all know by now, key. It's not always easy, but it's the best thing we can do, to be able to understand another human being. And personally, there's nothing more rewarding than feeling like you are able to understand the behavior of another person. It brings you closer to that person and you will be able to learn so so much from each other.

I believe freedom and safety can walk hand in hand. No doubt about it. Let the guy have the freedom to fly and support him, and let the girl know that she is fucking awesome and lift her to the sky so that she feels like she can pursue all of her dreams.

Living instead of waiting

I debated writing about my thoughts and feelings about what happened in Stockholm this Friday, but I felt drained by the thought, so I decided not to. I just want to mention that I have never loved and respected this city, the police, my neighbors and everyone I meet more. Love is stronger than hate. Always.

Instead I want to touch upon a subject that a lot of people can relate to; waiting.

It's something we do. We wait in lines. We wait for the weekend. We wait for someone who is late. We wait in traffic. We wait for the right person to come along. We wait for vacation. We wait for someone to fix us. We wait for happiness. 

I wish that word didn't exist. We're not waiting, we're just being, we're living. It's still minutes, days, weeks, years of our lives that pass by, but we name it waiting instead of living. 

I have had issues with waiting, and especially when it comes to appointments that other people are late for. But yesterday as I was waiting for someone who I knew would be late, I sat down and I did a semi-meditation. It was so peaceful and I didn't mind "waiting" because I filled that time with doing something I enjoy.

A lot of people wait for something all the time. If it's not just waiting for the bus that's late, it's waiting to find the "perfect" partner. Some people find that person and they are still in waiting mode, for that person to do this or that or until they become the person you want them to be.

I want to challenge the entire system. Why do you wait? Do you think life will be better later? When you're on vacation? When your spouse magically turns in to the perfect person? Do you want to look back on a 12 month period and only remember that one week you were in Spain on vacation, or do you want to remember all the moments, like that time you and your colleagues laughed at someones joke on a "boring" rainy Monday? Or only remember that one time your girlfriend/boyfriend/date gave you a special gift or said something memorable, instead of also remembering and valuing the talk the two of you had that was tough but brought you closer to each other and to understanding one another, or just eating breakfast in silence with your feet playing under the table?

I believe we will be able to gain so much more in life and appreciate life so much more if we start to appreciate the here and now, what we have and where we're at now. We can collect memories every single day.

Every moment counts, here and now. Monday morning meetings count, because it's 2 hours of our lives, and every minute counts. It's our lives people. Our lives. The moments won't come back, they're here and now. Even if the situation you're in is super boring or if you know that something you look forward too will happen on Saturday, try to fill the space with something meaningful and appreciate the moment.

It's up to us to fill our lives with meaning. We cannot wish away our days, they're too valuable. Way too valuable.

Trust the entire process

There's one thing I will never stop believing in, and that is my own ability.

I believe we all have everything we need within ourselves. We can create motivation, we can inspire ourselves, make a decision to be happy, to be grateful, and we can allow ourselves to dream big, and most importantly; we can trust that those dreams will become reality. Sometimes, we forget this.

I woke up yesterday and I knew what I had to to. I needed to take a day to simply reflect on the path that I'm on careerwise. I work within b2b selling, and everyone who has ever worked in sales know that it is the best job in the entire world, when deals keep rolling in. We also know that it's the toughest, most stressful job in the entire world when you're struggling.

Yesterday, I looked back on my 10 months doing this job. I've been successful and I've felt really good about myself and my contribution to the company. This past month though, it's been tougher.
There's a clear correlation here; In the beginning of march, I started doubting myself and my ability. I started this month with worry, and I allowed myself to lose focus.

And what happens when I start worrying and doubting myself in any area? I place blame on myself. I have this notion now, within, that I know better. I know that I can't start doubting myself. I'm smarter than that. I write this blog, and I talk about the importance of positive thinking, creating prosperity, and loving ourselves. I do know that, and 95% of the time I do practice what I preach. But I clearly have days and weeks when I fail to live by my lives mottos.

This is what could happen:
1. I lose focus and allow doubt to enter my life
2. I realize that I allowed myself to lose focus
3. I blame myself for the fact that I allowed myself to lose focus
4. I get disappointed in myself for blaming myself.

BUT, I stopped myself before I got to number 4. It's completely fine to lose focus and "fail" sometimes! It's a part of the process. I, like everyone else, need to trust the entire process. I want to keep learning about myself, my weaknesses and my strengths, to become the very best version of me, and that is what I'm doing. 

As long as I stay true to what I believe in most of the time, and do everything I can to contribute to my own self development, I'm more than successful!

I put up about 10 quotes by Napoleon Hill at my desk a few weeks ago, just to remind myself to constantly keep my goals in mind, and this is one that truly I appreciate:

“Before success comes in any man’s life, he is sure to meet with much temporary defeat, and, perhaps, some failure. When defeat overtakes a man, the easiest and most logical thing to do is to quit. That is exactly what the majority of men do. More than five hundred of the most successful men this country has ever known told that their greatest success came just one step beyond the point at which defeat had overtaken them.” 

Trust the process of life. All we can do is to keep rising when we fall, keep taking the steps we need in order to move forward. Sometimes you will feel the wind beneath your wings and take huge steps, sometimes you will take baby steps, and sometimes you will have to be OK with the fact that you need to sit down, don't take any steps at all, and just reflect for a while. 

Double happiness

Like all of you know by now, I'm fascinated by the brain.

When I was 17, the only thing about school that was fun, was psychology and philosophy. 

When I took a  Philosophy class again in California, I had to go see my teacher during his office hours about halfway through the class. I sat down and I told him that I thought I was losing my mind, for real. 

He smiled and said; "then you're doing very well in this class".

Talking about what everyone seems to be thinking lies beyond us, things we can't ever get an answer to, are my favorite topics in the world;

What I am? Am I my brain? Do I have a soul? What does the soul look like? Is it really logic that I as a woman can carry another human being inside my body for 9 months? What is attraction? 

How can the Universe be endless, and at the same time expand? Where in this Universe are all the other living species? Because quite frankly, we are beyond stupid if we believe we are the only planet in this endless universe that has life. 

I also think a lot about life obviously, and the one thing that I continuously come back to; Love. Love for yourself. Love yourself so that you can love others.  I know that a lot of people who read this still just think it's plain bullshit. People seem to think that when all the outer circumstances fall in to place, it will all be good, and they will love themselves. And I respect that, all I can do is try to tell it so that you see where I'm coming from.

It's crystal clear to me, because if you don't love yourself, look down on yourself and find faults with the human being that you are, you will never believe that another person truly loves you because you have an imprinted "knowledge" that you are no good. What happens when you don't believe another person loves you? Jealousy happens. Fear of being betrayed happens. Insecurity happens. No relationship survives that.

What happens when you love yourself and someone else loves you? Double happiness. You have no doubt in your mind. It's all love, and it's all trust. 

As I wrote this now, I went up and changed the headline of this post. Because I realized that I just understood the meaning of the necklace from Japan that my professor at Antioch University gave me that is placed in my hallway in this apartment. 

Her name is Anna Kwong, and she asked me to fill in for her during a class she was teaching at City College since she would be in Japan at the time. I did, and when she got back we met up and she gave me a necklace as a thank you gift. I asked her what the symbol meant, and she told me: Double Happiness. 

Double happiness is to be able to love yourself, and because of that being able to let love in from others. And believe it full heartedly.

Wow.

Why every single day matters

I'm finishing my 4th week of the mindfulness course that I'm currently in. The thing that is so fascinating about this course is that you one day just kind of wake up and realize that you have actually changed.

The one thing that I noticed about 2 weeks ago was mind-blowing. It was a friday, and I was at work. The topic of the day, just like any other friday was "I love that it's friday!" "Wow, isn't it great that it's friday". You get the picture.

I got home that day and thought about the fact that what day it is doesn't matter in my world. At all. Everyday is today. The time of the day is right now. I'm me whenever, what ever time it is or whatever day it is.

It's up to me to live in the moment, and make the most of it, every single day.

I never want to live for the weekend again, because the weekend consists of 2 days, while the entire week is 7 days. Every single day is equally important, because it's a day in my life.
Every day is an opportunity for me to discover new things, see new people, smile at strangers, tell friends, loved ones and family how much I appreciate them, hold the door up for the person behind me, wish the cashier at the supermarket a good day and look them in the eye while  I'm saying "Thank you".

I've noticed that the appreciation that I give out every day is returned to me in so many ways. What is better than making someone else feel good about themselves? It's sooooo easy. Just tell the people in your life what they're good at, and how glad you are that they are the exact way they are.

I'm 31 years old, and if I'm lucky, I will be alive for about 60 more years. If I make sure that every day is just as important as that Saturday when I get to sleep in or go on a fun trip, I will live an extremely happy life.

Because life is now.
Life is this moment.
Life is today.

As of right now, I've completely dropped the "I can't wait for this, or that, or when that happens"
I have goals ahead like everyone else and I have days that I long for more than others, but all that will be when it will be. Right now I just have to live for today and make sure I appreciate it.

Don't wish away your days. Because the reality is; you never know what will happen in the future, but you know what is happening here and now.

The seeds you are planting here and now are the ones that will grow in to beautiful plants in the future. But what do seeds need to grow? They will need nurturing every day. That's why every single day matters. 

The one post that doesn't require a headline

I'm home.

When I got home, I put my luggage in the hallway, and almost immediately took a shower. As I was standing in the shower, using ridiculously hot water, I repeated to myself; "I'm home" several times, loudly to myself.
I felt something so close to complete safety, and I felt an immense amount of gratitude.

I'm home.

Everywhere I've ever lived in this world, from the houses I grew up in Västerås, my own apartments in the same town, to the places I stayed in Santa Barbara, I've always had the feeling of it being temporary. I've always been on my way somewhere else.

The first time I entered my current apartment it felt like home. I knew instantly. I had found the place where my whole being will feel safe, and be able to grow and evolve because of it.
Obviously I wont live here for the rest of my life, but I will for as long as I need to.

Something happened during my time in California. The things I needed to learn and the amount of growth that living there gave me is done and done. I loved being there though, and be close to people that allow me to be me, completely, and I'm talking about someone in particular who is so special to me that my eyes tear up now as I write this; Linda.

I can't imagine anyone else in my life who has had such an important impact on me in a relatively short amount of time. You are a star. A real one. I will never ever apologize for my spiritual and intuitive side again. It's the one part of me that has always longed to be recognized. Thank you for everything you've ever given me and taught me.

-

Since I got home, I've heard several people tell me that I'm "glowing". I'm not surprised. This is because I'm letting go of restrictions from myself. I'm allowing me to me, and to be completely honest, I have never ever ever ever been so calm and so comfortable in my own skin.

I'm a person. Behind my body, my looks, the way I walk and talk. And that person is whats important, what matters, and what needs to be cherished. By myself above all others. But it's also what I will demand of others to cherish. 

I look the way I do, and I like taking care of my body. I like my super pink lipsticks, all my shoes and the way I dress. I won't change that, because it's the way I have chosen to be seen and reflected from the outside.
All that though, becomes irrelevant depending on how I feel on the inside.

Beauty comes from radiating from the inside, and that's where my glow comes from.

-

How do you feel? What do you need? And I'm talking about what YOU need to be happy and calm, not what you think will make you look cool to the outer world, the surface level.

Eliminate work from the equation for a second. Eliminate the way you look for a second. Eliminate what you plan for the future for a second. Eliminate what ever happened in your past for a second. Eliminate what you are scared or worried about for a second.
All that's left is you. Now. The true real you behind the thoughts, the plans, the stress, the anxiety, the anticipation. When you're in that state of mind, I believe you will know what it is that's home to you, what you need to feel calm.

To the people in my life who seek support who has recognized that I'm very good at that, I will be able to hold your hand, but I will never be able to drag you. You need to do and want to do the walking on your own.


Yep, I'm home.
And I will have to work on staying in this state of mind for the rest of my life. I can't promise I won't lose my way from time to time, but I will do my best. Because the people I care deeply for, including myself, need me to be me, because of the simple equation;
when I lose me completely, I will lose them too.

Back to California..

I'm all packed and almost ready for bed and I'm filled with mixed emotions.

I'm gonna get on that Norwegian plane to LA tomorrow that I've been on so many times, but this time it's completely different. I'm not going "home" now.

I understand that it might sound weird to some people, but this trip will symbolize the first time I'm going back to where it all started after making the decision to move back to Sweden; this blog, my studies, living in a different country, discovering my spiritual side on a whole different level, all the friendships I made, the love I experienced. I'm going back to the place where I created a new life.

Right now I can't even imagine how it will feel to walk down to the beach, sit down in the sand and look at the waves like I did thousands of times before. Trust me, there will be tears involved.

I'm gonna see all the people that I saw on a regular basis that I haven't seen in 15 months or more..It's almost surreal.

I've imagined this so many times since September last year, and it's happening tomorrow. California has a very very special place in my heart. Not just because I spent 4 years living there, but because it changed me. I owe my strength, my self-confidence, my standing on my own two feet to that place. I'm so glad I made the decision to go there now, timing couldn't have been any better.

I'll try to write updates during these 2 weeks, but don't count on it. I'll probably be too busy hugging people and walk down streets reminiscing..

The greatest win of all

31 years of living has taught me something. Something not so tangible, but oh so real. 

I've learned. I've grown. I've matured. This is the greatest win of all times, because I'm proud of who I am and the woman I've turned in to. I'm unique, and I'm awesome. This is the receipt.

Everything life has ever thrown at me, I've managed to fight back, and every situation has made my skin thicker. My life and my past has been my teacher, and I've done my homework.

The thing is (and I'm saying this with all humbleness); I know that I've managed to come further in life than the majority of people who are my age and older too. I'm more curious about life, our feelings, why you feel certain things and why you act in certain ways, and I've always loved to read about the human brain and how our attitude changes everything. I've tried to apply everything I've learned, self-taught myself, and I see things in others that I'm not even sure if they see themselves, just like I know myself pretty damn well. Good and bad personality traits obviously. Self awareness is everything, and the first step to making positive changes.

I haven't been quite as good at practicing what I've preached, until now.

I'm using the tools I have collected through time, the ones that I've just kept fumbling around with, and I finally know how to use them. This is just the beginning too though, I will never stop learning and collect even more knowledge and tools, and I'm excited about that. 

My weird and wonderful brain is the best thing I've got right now, and it always will be. It always was.

My only wish and one thing I'm unsure about if I've learned for real is the ability to communicate what is happening in that brain of mine, and the ability to ask what is going on in other people's brains to learn what they need from me in order to be understanding and supportive. No one is a mind reader, and I certainly am not either. I've never been good with words I know that all too well, I'm good at writing. 

But you know what..time will tell. Only time will tell, because the future is completely blank.

Scary and amazing, just like life itself.

Do we really want to feel miserable?

I decided a few weeks ago to really work on myself again, and I felt that I needed a little help along the way to make sure I get on the right path again.

I registered for a writing course during a weekend at a university here in Stockholm, I signed up for a 6 week online course that's called "Use your potential" and the day after I had a talk with one of my soul sisters back in California, I got offered an 8 week mindfulness class FOR FREE from a company that works with educating people in mindfulness.

It all feels amazing, and the feeling of knowing that I'm doing all this and investing this time solely for myself and no one else is the best feeling ever. 

I just took part of the second lesson in the potential class and I'm left sitting on the couch staring out in to the open. 

I realized that I want so many things in life, but the way I act is sometimes holding me back. Or, let me rephrase; not so much the way I act, but the way I automatically think. The thoughts that are buried in my mind that have created patterns my entire life are so easy to just fall back into. 

Why is it that we have a tendency to want to feel miserable? You think I'm really stupid writing that just now don't you? But seriously, it's like it's easier for us to just think that everything and everyone is against us, and let negative thoughts take over. We can create stories in our heads and believe they are true, we can even feel that it's true because our made up thoughts have convinced us.

Shouldn't it be just as easy to come up with wonderful, happy, awesome stories in our heads and believe them? Feel that they are real, the same way we think the negative stuff is real? Imagine the energy we would radiate if we did that. 

Why is it that we choose miserable?

We have the power to choose, but why is it so much harder to believe in positivity? Are humans that damaged? Why is it that we seem to be programmed to fall back into negative patterns?

I want nothing else but to break free from negativity entirely. I want to be able to really focus on all the good things I have in my life and treasure it all. This is why I make active choices now, and take all these classes to be able to strengthen my brain. 

It must be possible to erase the old negative patterns in our minds, and just thinking about it makes me feel liberated. 

Our own thoughts are usually our own worst enemy, but I'm certain that with the right tools, the person we truly are will be able to kick those bastard thoughts to the ground and plant seeds of love instead.

Where focus goes, energy flows

Looking back at my life, I've put a lot a lot of pressure on myself. At least since my early 20's. It's not the kind of pressure that most people put on themselves though..I think. More of an expectation. I expect myself to be among the best, to get acknowledged for what I do and for people to look up to me. So it's more of a weird self-love and admiration that I don't really know how to explain, or if it's a good or bad thing, it just is.

All I know is that I put a lot of focus in to doing well, when it comes to my job, my body, my happiness, and the way I see myself. And, like the headline says; Where focus goes, energy flows. 

I get energized and satisfied by knowing that I actually AM the person that I expect myself to be.

This might sound like I'm just bragging about myself but that's not at all what I'm doing. I'm trying to explain the fact that we need to be such firm believers in who are, and how we want to be seen.

I am confident, and I'm not afraid to say that I am, but I am extremely humble, and according to me that's the best combination you can get. 

BUT, the important but here, is that these are MY thoughts. You need to make sure that the person you are, and how you are seen by others is the best combination you could possibly think of.

I love that I can tell the world that I'm super proud of who I am. I'm proud of the fact that I am a leo, the typical leader, that I'm an ENFP, that I work hard, that I make sure to get my workouts done at 5.30 am (which most people think is completely insane), that I communicate well now and speak up when I feel that something's not right, that I still meditate when I need to, that I can charm the hell out of most people when I need to, etc etc.

What are you proud of? Focus on that. If you put a lot of focus on what you don't like about yourself, the energy will flow there and it can be a dangerous negative energy..

Focus on the good.

Do good.

Because we all know that when we feel the positivity, more positive things happen, and we can ride that wave for a long long time.  

Focus on all the things that will make you happy, not the things that might put you down. The downward spiral of negative thinking is a dark black hole that no one should fall in to, and speaking from experience, it's very hard to climb up the walls. When you've done it though, you've grown mentally and you're so fucking strong that you won't allow yourself to ever fall in again..