Double happiness

Like all of you know by now, I'm fascinated by the brain.

When I was 17, the only thing about school that was fun, was psychology and philosophy. 

When I took a  Philosophy class again in California, I had to go see my teacher during his office hours about halfway through the class. I sat down and I told him that I thought I was losing my mind, for real. 

He smiled and said; "then you're doing very well in this class".

Talking about what everyone seems to be thinking lies beyond us, things we can't ever get an answer to, are my favorite topics in the world;

What I am? Am I my brain? Do I have a soul? What does the soul look like? Is it really logic that I as a woman can carry another human being inside my body for 9 months? What is attraction? 

How can the Universe be endless, and at the same time expand? Where in this Universe are all the other living species? Because quite frankly, we are beyond stupid if we believe we are the only planet in this endless universe that has life. 

I also think a lot about life obviously, and the one thing that I continuously come back to; Love. Love for yourself. Love yourself so that you can love others.  I know that a lot of people who read this still just think it's plain bullshit. People seem to think that when all the outer circumstances fall in to place, it will all be good, and they will love themselves. And I respect that, all I can do is try to tell it so that you see where I'm coming from.

It's crystal clear to me, because if you don't love yourself, look down on yourself and find faults with the human being that you are, you will never believe that another person truly loves you because you have an imprinted "knowledge" that you are no good. What happens when you don't believe another person loves you? Jealousy happens. Fear of being betrayed happens. Insecurity happens. No relationship survives that.

What happens when you love yourself and someone else loves you? Double happiness. You have no doubt in your mind. It's all love, and it's all trust. 

As I wrote this now, I went up and changed the headline of this post. Because I realized that I just understood the meaning of the necklace from Japan that my professor at Antioch University gave me that is placed in my hallway in this apartment. 

Her name is Anna Kwong, and she asked me to fill in for her during a class she was teaching at City College since she would be in Japan at the time. I did, and when she got back we met up and she gave me a necklace as a thank you gift. I asked her what the symbol meant, and she told me: Double Happiness. 

Double happiness is to be able to love yourself, and because of that being able to let love in from others. And believe it full heartedly.

Wow.

Why every single day matters

I'm finishing my 4th week of the mindfulness course that I'm currently in. The thing that is so fascinating about this course is that you one day just kind of wake up and realize that you have actually changed.

The one thing that I noticed about 2 weeks ago was mind-blowing. It was a friday, and I was at work. The topic of the day, just like any other friday was "I love that it's friday!" "Wow, isn't it great that it's friday". You get the picture.

I got home that day and thought about the fact that what day it is doesn't matter in my world. At all. Everyday is today. The time of the day is right now. I'm me whenever, what ever time it is or whatever day it is.

It's up to me to live in the moment, and make the most of it, every single day.

I never want to live for the weekend again, because the weekend consists of 2 days, while the entire week is 7 days. Every single day is equally important, because it's a day in my life.
Every day is an opportunity for me to discover new things, see new people, smile at strangers, tell friends, loved ones and family how much I appreciate them, hold the door up for the person behind me, wish the cashier at the supermarket a good day and look them in the eye while  I'm saying "Thank you".

I've noticed that the appreciation that I give out every day is returned to me in so many ways. What is better than making someone else feel good about themselves? It's sooooo easy. Just tell the people in your life what they're good at, and how glad you are that they are the exact way they are.

I'm 31 years old, and if I'm lucky, I will be alive for about 60 more years. If I make sure that every day is just as important as that Saturday when I get to sleep in or go on a fun trip, I will live an extremely happy life.

Because life is now.
Life is this moment.
Life is today.

As of right now, I've completely dropped the "I can't wait for this, or that, or when that happens"
I have goals ahead like everyone else and I have days that I long for more than others, but all that will be when it will be. Right now I just have to live for today and make sure I appreciate it.

Don't wish away your days. Because the reality is; you never know what will happen in the future, but you know what is happening here and now.

The seeds you are planting here and now are the ones that will grow in to beautiful plants in the future. But what do seeds need to grow? They will need nurturing every day. That's why every single day matters. 

The one post that doesn't require a headline

I'm home.

When I got home, I put my luggage in the hallway, and almost immediately took a shower. As I was standing in the shower, using ridiculously hot water, I repeated to myself; "I'm home" several times, loudly to myself.
I felt something so close to complete safety, and I felt an immense amount of gratitude.

I'm home.

Everywhere I've ever lived in this world, from the houses I grew up in Västerås, my own apartments in the same town, to the places I stayed in Santa Barbara, I've always had the feeling of it being temporary. I've always been on my way somewhere else.

The first time I entered my current apartment it felt like home. I knew instantly. I had found the place where my whole being will feel safe, and be able to grow and evolve because of it.
Obviously I wont live here for the rest of my life, but I will for as long as I need to.

Something happened during my time in California. The things I needed to learn and the amount of growth that living there gave me is done and done. I loved being there though, and be close to people that allow me to be me, completely, and I'm talking about someone in particular who is so special to me that my eyes tear up now as I write this; Linda.

I can't imagine anyone else in my life who has had such an important impact on me in a relatively short amount of time. You are a star. A real one. I will never ever apologize for my spiritual and intuitive side again. It's the one part of me that has always longed to be recognized. Thank you for everything you've ever given me and taught me.

-

Since I got home, I've heard several people tell me that I'm "glowing". I'm not surprised. This is because I'm letting go of restrictions from myself. I'm allowing me to me, and to be completely honest, I have never ever ever ever been so calm and so comfortable in my own skin.

I'm a person. Behind my body, my looks, the way I walk and talk. And that person is whats important, what matters, and what needs to be cherished. By myself above all others. But it's also what I will demand of others to cherish. 

I look the way I do, and I like taking care of my body. I like my super pink lipsticks, all my shoes and the way I dress. I won't change that, because it's the way I have chosen to be seen and reflected from the outside.
All that though, becomes irrelevant depending on how I feel on the inside.

Beauty comes from radiating from the inside, and that's where my glow comes from.

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How do you feel? What do you need? And I'm talking about what YOU need to be happy and calm, not what you think will make you look cool to the outer world, the surface level.

Eliminate work from the equation for a second. Eliminate the way you look for a second. Eliminate what you plan for the future for a second. Eliminate what ever happened in your past for a second. Eliminate what you are scared or worried about for a second.
All that's left is you. Now. The true real you behind the thoughts, the plans, the stress, the anxiety, the anticipation. When you're in that state of mind, I believe you will know what it is that's home to you, what you need to feel calm.

To the people in my life who seek support who has recognized that I'm very good at that, I will be able to hold your hand, but I will never be able to drag you. You need to do and want to do the walking on your own.


Yep, I'm home.
And I will have to work on staying in this state of mind for the rest of my life. I can't promise I won't lose my way from time to time, but I will do my best. Because the people I care deeply for, including myself, need me to be me, because of the simple equation;
when I lose me completely, I will lose them too.

Back to California..

I'm all packed and almost ready for bed and I'm filled with mixed emotions.

I'm gonna get on that Norwegian plane to LA tomorrow that I've been on so many times, but this time it's completely different. I'm not going "home" now.

I understand that it might sound weird to some people, but this trip will symbolize the first time I'm going back to where it all started after making the decision to move back to Sweden; this blog, my studies, living in a different country, discovering my spiritual side on a whole different level, all the friendships I made, the love I experienced. I'm going back to the place where I created a new life.

Right now I can't even imagine how it will feel to walk down to the beach, sit down in the sand and look at the waves like I did thousands of times before. Trust me, there will be tears involved.

I'm gonna see all the people that I saw on a regular basis that I haven't seen in 15 months or more..It's almost surreal.

I've imagined this so many times since September last year, and it's happening tomorrow. California has a very very special place in my heart. Not just because I spent 4 years living there, but because it changed me. I owe my strength, my self-confidence, my standing on my own two feet to that place. I'm so glad I made the decision to go there now, timing couldn't have been any better.

I'll try to write updates during these 2 weeks, but don't count on it. I'll probably be too busy hugging people and walk down streets reminiscing..

The greatest win of all

31 years of living has taught me something. Something not so tangible, but oh so real. 

I've learned. I've grown. I've matured. This is the greatest win of all times, because I'm proud of who I am and the woman I've turned in to. I'm unique, and I'm awesome. This is the receipt.

Everything life has ever thrown at me, I've managed to fight back, and every situation has made my skin thicker. My life and my past has been my teacher, and I've done my homework.

The thing is (and I'm saying this with all humbleness); I know that I've managed to come further in life than the majority of people who are my age and older too. I'm more curious about life, our feelings, why you feel certain things and why you act in certain ways, and I've always loved to read about the human brain and how our attitude changes everything. I've tried to apply everything I've learned, self-taught myself, and I see things in others that I'm not even sure if they see themselves, just like I know myself pretty damn well. Good and bad personality traits obviously. Self awareness is everything, and the first step to making positive changes.

I haven't been quite as good at practicing what I've preached, until now.

I'm using the tools I have collected through time, the ones that I've just kept fumbling around with, and I finally know how to use them. This is just the beginning too though, I will never stop learning and collect even more knowledge and tools, and I'm excited about that. 

My weird and wonderful brain is the best thing I've got right now, and it always will be. It always was.

My only wish and one thing I'm unsure about if I've learned for real is the ability to communicate what is happening in that brain of mine, and the ability to ask what is going on in other people's brains to learn what they need from me in order to be understanding and supportive. No one is a mind reader, and I certainly am not either. I've never been good with words I know that all too well, I'm good at writing. 

But you know what..time will tell. Only time will tell, because the future is completely blank.

Scary and amazing, just like life itself.

Do we really want to feel miserable?

I decided a few weeks ago to really work on myself again, and I felt that I needed a little help along the way to make sure I get on the right path again.

I registered for a writing course during a weekend at a university here in Stockholm, I signed up for a 6 week online course that's called "Use your potential" and the day after I had a talk with one of my soul sisters back in California, I got offered an 8 week mindfulness class FOR FREE from a company that works with educating people in mindfulness.

It all feels amazing, and the feeling of knowing that I'm doing all this and investing this time solely for myself and no one else is the best feeling ever. 

I just took part of the second lesson in the potential class and I'm left sitting on the couch staring out in to the open. 

I realized that I want so many things in life, but the way I act is sometimes holding me back. Or, let me rephrase; not so much the way I act, but the way I automatically think. The thoughts that are buried in my mind that have created patterns my entire life are so easy to just fall back into. 

Why is it that we have a tendency to want to feel miserable? You think I'm really stupid writing that just now don't you? But seriously, it's like it's easier for us to just think that everything and everyone is against us, and let negative thoughts take over. We can create stories in our heads and believe they are true, we can even feel that it's true because our made up thoughts have convinced us.

Shouldn't it be just as easy to come up with wonderful, happy, awesome stories in our heads and believe them? Feel that they are real, the same way we think the negative stuff is real? Imagine the energy we would radiate if we did that. 

Why is it that we choose miserable?

We have the power to choose, but why is it so much harder to believe in positivity? Are humans that damaged? Why is it that we seem to be programmed to fall back into negative patterns?

I want nothing else but to break free from negativity entirely. I want to be able to really focus on all the good things I have in my life and treasure it all. This is why I make active choices now, and take all these classes to be able to strengthen my brain. 

It must be possible to erase the old negative patterns in our minds, and just thinking about it makes me feel liberated. 

Our own thoughts are usually our own worst enemy, but I'm certain that with the right tools, the person we truly are will be able to kick those bastard thoughts to the ground and plant seeds of love instead.

Where focus goes, energy flows

Looking back at my life, I've put a lot a lot of pressure on myself. At least since my early 20's. It's not the kind of pressure that most people put on themselves though..I think. More of an expectation. I expect myself to be among the best, to get acknowledged for what I do and for people to look up to me. So it's more of a weird self-love and admiration that I don't really know how to explain, or if it's a good or bad thing, it just is.

All I know is that I put a lot of focus in to doing well, when it comes to my job, my body, my happiness, and the way I see myself. And, like the headline says; Where focus goes, energy flows. 

I get energized and satisfied by knowing that I actually AM the person that I expect myself to be.

This might sound like I'm just bragging about myself but that's not at all what I'm doing. I'm trying to explain the fact that we need to be such firm believers in who are, and how we want to be seen.

I am confident, and I'm not afraid to say that I am, but I am extremely humble, and according to me that's the best combination you can get. 

BUT, the important but here, is that these are MY thoughts. You need to make sure that the person you are, and how you are seen by others is the best combination you could possibly think of.

I love that I can tell the world that I'm super proud of who I am. I'm proud of the fact that I am a leo, the typical leader, that I'm an ENFP, that I work hard, that I make sure to get my workouts done at 5.30 am (which most people think is completely insane), that I communicate well now and speak up when I feel that something's not right, that I still meditate when I need to, that I can charm the hell out of most people when I need to, etc etc.

What are you proud of? Focus on that. If you put a lot of focus on what you don't like about yourself, the energy will flow there and it can be a dangerous negative energy..

Focus on the good.

Do good.

Because we all know that when we feel the positivity, more positive things happen, and we can ride that wave for a long long time.  

Focus on all the things that will make you happy, not the things that might put you down. The downward spiral of negative thinking is a dark black hole that no one should fall in to, and speaking from experience, it's very hard to climb up the walls. When you've done it though, you've grown mentally and you're so fucking strong that you won't allow yourself to ever fall in again..

Expect miracles

I'm feeling content. Right here, and right now. I'm at peace in this very moment.

I've struggled with negative thinking my entire life. Worrying. Stressing. Expecting things to go wrong. Up until I realized that it's the worst way possible to use the most powerful tool I have; my brain.

At this very moment, I'm wondering how the hell I could've ever used my mind to come up with the worst possible outcome in every situation. Why did I do it? To prepare my self so that I wouldn't get disappointed? What if the best possible outcome happens and I've expected the worst, would I still be able to be genuinely happy about the outcome or would half of it be relief that it didn't go straight to hell?

It's so simple. Really.

Look forward to tomorrow.
Love the walk to your job in the morning.
Breathe in the fresh air, and be grateful for it.
Give out hugs.
Smile.
Love.

Good things do happen.
Expect miracles. 

Because if you don't, you've lost the most important function in our brain; our imagination.
If you keep expecting the worst, you're waisting energy. Expect the best and feel the butterflies in your stomach instead.
Sure, if you expect the best and the worst happens, you'll be disappointed. But if you expect the worst and it happens, the disappointment lasts twice as long and you "suffer twice" as I've been writing about before.

Focus your energy on believing in life.

I know, I know, some of you will say I'm naive. I've heard that before, but at least I believe that life can and will be amazing, instead of thinking it will throw shit at me. Sure, I have my downfalls and I worry sometimes but I prefer believing in positivity and turning those thoughts around. You know..you can actually do that, because you own and master your mind.

I've believed in a life filled with joy, purpose and love since I was a little girl, why stop now?

Getting to know yourself

To me, there's nothing more rewarding than getting to know myself and something that I'm proud of is that I recently started to make confessions to myself.

I do, because there are some things that I think we all think or feel sometimes that we're not super proud of. So instead of trying to just get rid of the feeling, panicking a little, shake my head and think "I'm not like that, I don't feel like that", I literally stop, and I reflect.  Yes, I'm actually feeling like this. Fuck, what should I do? Or, do I need to take action or is it just OK to feel like this?
Is the feeling valid? Where did it come from? Is it really based on facts or did I create something in my mind?

Very often, or no, 10 times out of 10, it comes from sh*t I've made up from scratch in my all so imaginary brain. I know that my mind is capable of creating physical pain in my body, I've experienced that one too many times now. I have written about how strong I've become and that stress or anxiety will never ever be allowed to ruin my wellbeing again.

Well, guess what. It happened. But. BUT, that doesn't mean that stress is here to stay, or that I will fall back in to some out of control state of mind. No. I have hundreds of lessons that I've learned that come well in handy now. I've learned all of them on this lifelong journey of getting to know me.

There are other situations where I do the same thing. I reflect on a feeling and come up with the same conclusion time and time again; My thoughts are like wild horses sometimes. But it's ok. It really is. I know who I am, and I know my reactions in some situations. The important thing is to not act on impuls to that reaction, and to reflect (is this really real?), because if not, it might end up hurting someone else or yourself.

Just because your reality is crystal clear to you, it doesn't mean other people will know your every thought. Think about it, the only way to try to get someone to understand you is to communicate. Someone else won't understand when you get back after you've reflected, saying "I didn't mean that, I'm not like that". Because yes, you ARE like that, but you don't have to act on it. Stop and think about it before. My advice to everyone is to confess to yourself that you do have feelings that you're not proud of, and that you know they're in your head, and that you want to learn how to deal with them. Because getting to know yourself and make these confessions is the first step to TRULY accepting who you are. When you get to know you, it will be so much easier to communicate with others, and to be honest.

No one is perfect. You can't strive for perfect, but you can learn from past lessons. You can learn how to communicate better.  With others, but also; with yourself. By making confessions.

The fear that lies within

I am a visionary person, I see the week from monday to friday as a flipped D and I see the year divided and in 2 lines like these: 

\\

I see my entire lifeline as one long diagonal line, in this direction / only not as steep.

The years are divided in to decades, and I think that's why I don't experience the common anxiety that people tend to have concerning their age. Because I kind of see 21 as the same as 29, since it's within the same "box". 

Now that I'm 31, I'm only in the third box of life, the third one out of nine. (Because in my mind I'm gonna leave this planet sometime in my 90's). 

The decade between 0-10 is kind of hard to define, but I do remember thinking a lot about life. One very specific thing that I learned in this box, was that I was a human being. Duh, right? But really, I thought about it in a different way. I remember that when I was in the bathroom, on the toilet seat, I always, ALWAYS, stared at one specific spot, right where the floor met the wall, and I thought to myself repeatedly: "I am me" I transcended to a stage deep within that was super cool, but I had to stop myself every single time since it scared me so much. I still did it all the time though because it was such an amazing thing, to actually realize that I was someone in this human body.

I was able to get to a sacred space which is my core self, at a very young age.

I think that was my starting point, from where I have developed and kept exploring this amazing tool, called our minds. 

It hasn't been an easy ride, and it still isn't. The journey resulted in panic attacks, depression, a great great fear of this life, and a scepticism; I have wanted t challenge the "rules of our society" since I was very young. 

My greatest fear in life is to fall victim to these rules, and to wake up one day when I'm in box 4 or 5 and realize that I actually do have regrets. I don't think that I'll ever allow that, because I know what I need to do in this box to turn my biggest dream in to reality, but it's still a fear.

I don't usually talk a lot about what I actually want to do, and what kind of life I want to live, because when I do, I see the reaction in people's eyes (the "omg, how are you this naive" look).

When I've talked about waiting for a love that's out of this world; a cool love story to tell everyone about, extreme attraction, my very best friend, crazy passion, fireworks, staring in to each others eyes forever and seeing the other persons soul, a love so strong that nothing will ever be able to break it, people have told me that I'll never experience that, because it doesn't exist.  You are too picky they've said, you have too high demands, no one will be able to give you all that, because then I would have to meet someone who wants the same thing and no one is that naive..

But I've stayed true to what I want, accepting nothing less. 

I want to live the life of my dreams, and to be able to do that I have to stay true to every single aspect of it. I need a plan. Because I actually have a scene in my mind, where I'm making money doing exactly what I want, having two places in different parts of the world that I call home, showing my 2 little kiddos the world starting at a very early age.

The years pass by so fast, and if we allow the autopilot to take over our minds, and settle in to what it comfortable, I think that there might be regrets. At least for me.

I know where I want to be, and I will start taking the small steps. Now. I just took the first one right here. Box 3, great things will happen here..