Do we really want to feel miserable?

I decided a few weeks ago to really work on myself again, and I felt that I needed a little help along the way to make sure I get on the right path again.

I registered for a writing course during a weekend at a university here in Stockholm, I signed up for a 6 week online course that's called "Use your potential" and the day after I had a talk with one of my soul sisters back in California, I got offered an 8 week mindfulness class FOR FREE from a company that works with educating people in mindfulness.

It all feels amazing, and the feeling of knowing that I'm doing all this and investing this time solely for myself and no one else is the best feeling ever. 

I just took part of the second lesson in the potential class and I'm left sitting on the couch staring out in to the open. 

I realized that I want so many things in life, but the way I act is sometimes holding me back. Or, let me rephrase; not so much the way I act, but the way I automatically think. The thoughts that are buried in my mind that have created patterns my entire life are so easy to just fall back into. 

Why is it that we have a tendency to want to feel miserable? You think I'm really stupid writing that just now don't you? But seriously, it's like it's easier for us to just think that everything and everyone is against us, and let negative thoughts take over. We can create stories in our heads and believe they are true, we can even feel that it's true because our made up thoughts have convinced us.

Shouldn't it be just as easy to come up with wonderful, happy, awesome stories in our heads and believe them? Feel that they are real, the same way we think the negative stuff is real? Imagine the energy we would radiate if we did that. 

Why is it that we choose miserable?

We have the power to choose, but why is it so much harder to believe in positivity? Are humans that damaged? Why is it that we seem to be programmed to fall back into negative patterns?

I want nothing else but to break free from negativity entirely. I want to be able to really focus on all the good things I have in my life and treasure it all. This is why I make active choices now, and take all these classes to be able to strengthen my brain. 

It must be possible to erase the old negative patterns in our minds, and just thinking about it makes me feel liberated. 

Our own thoughts are usually our own worst enemy, but I'm certain that with the right tools, the person we truly are will be able to kick those bastard thoughts to the ground and plant seeds of love instead.

Where focus goes, energy flows

Looking back at my life, I've put a lot a lot of pressure on myself. At least since my early 20's. It's not the kind of pressure that most people put on themselves though..I think. More of an expectation. I expect myself to be among the best, to get acknowledged for what I do and for people to look up to me. So it's more of a weird self-love and admiration that I don't really know how to explain, or if it's a good or bad thing, it just is.

All I know is that I put a lot of focus in to doing well, when it comes to my job, my body, my happiness, and the way I see myself. And, like the headline says; Where focus goes, energy flows. 

I get energized and satisfied by knowing that I actually AM the person that I expect myself to be.

This might sound like I'm just bragging about myself but that's not at all what I'm doing. I'm trying to explain the fact that we need to be such firm believers in who are, and how we want to be seen.

I am confident, and I'm not afraid to say that I am, but I am extremely humble, and according to me that's the best combination you can get. 

BUT, the important but here, is that these are MY thoughts. You need to make sure that the person you are, and how you are seen by others is the best combination you could possibly think of.

I love that I can tell the world that I'm super proud of who I am. I'm proud of the fact that I am a leo, the typical leader, that I'm an ENFP, that I work hard, that I make sure to get my workouts done at 5.30 am (which most people think is completely insane), that I communicate well now and speak up when I feel that something's not right, that I still meditate when I need to, that I can charm the hell out of most people when I need to, etc etc.

What are you proud of? Focus on that. If you put a lot of focus on what you don't like about yourself, the energy will flow there and it can be a dangerous negative energy..

Focus on the good.

Do good.

Because we all know that when we feel the positivity, more positive things happen, and we can ride that wave for a long long time.  

Focus on all the things that will make you happy, not the things that might put you down. The downward spiral of negative thinking is a dark black hole that no one should fall in to, and speaking from experience, it's very hard to climb up the walls. When you've done it though, you've grown mentally and you're so fucking strong that you won't allow yourself to ever fall in again..

Expect miracles

I'm feeling content. Right here, and right now. I'm at peace in this very moment.

I've struggled with negative thinking my entire life. Worrying. Stressing. Expecting things to go wrong. Up until I realized that it's the worst way possible to use the most powerful tool I have; my brain.

At this very moment, I'm wondering how the hell I could've ever used my mind to come up with the worst possible outcome in every situation. Why did I do it? To prepare my self so that I wouldn't get disappointed? What if the best possible outcome happens and I've expected the worst, would I still be able to be genuinely happy about the outcome or would half of it be relief that it didn't go straight to hell?

It's so simple. Really.

Look forward to tomorrow.
Love the walk to your job in the morning.
Breathe in the fresh air, and be grateful for it.
Give out hugs.
Smile.
Love.

Good things do happen.
Expect miracles. 

Because if you don't, you've lost the most important function in our brain; our imagination.
If you keep expecting the worst, you're waisting energy. Expect the best and feel the butterflies in your stomach instead.
Sure, if you expect the best and the worst happens, you'll be disappointed. But if you expect the worst and it happens, the disappointment lasts twice as long and you "suffer twice" as I've been writing about before.

Focus your energy on believing in life.

I know, I know, some of you will say I'm naive. I've heard that before, but at least I believe that life can and will be amazing, instead of thinking it will throw shit at me. Sure, I have my downfalls and I worry sometimes but I prefer believing in positivity and turning those thoughts around. You know..you can actually do that, because you own and master your mind.

I've believed in a life filled with joy, purpose and love since I was a little girl, why stop now?

Getting to know yourself

To me, there's nothing more rewarding than getting to know myself and something that I'm proud of is that I recently started to make confessions to myself.

I do, because there are some things that I think we all think or feel sometimes that we're not super proud of. So instead of trying to just get rid of the feeling, panicking a little, shake my head and think "I'm not like that, I don't feel like that", I literally stop, and I reflect.  Yes, I'm actually feeling like this. Fuck, what should I do? Or, do I need to take action or is it just OK to feel like this?
Is the feeling valid? Where did it come from? Is it really based on facts or did I create something in my mind?

Very often, or no, 10 times out of 10, it comes from sh*t I've made up from scratch in my all so imaginary brain. I know that my mind is capable of creating physical pain in my body, I've experienced that one too many times now. I have written about how strong I've become and that stress or anxiety will never ever be allowed to ruin my wellbeing again.

Well, guess what. It happened. But. BUT, that doesn't mean that stress is here to stay, or that I will fall back in to some out of control state of mind. No. I have hundreds of lessons that I've learned that come well in handy now. I've learned all of them on this lifelong journey of getting to know me.

There are other situations where I do the same thing. I reflect on a feeling and come up with the same conclusion time and time again; My thoughts are like wild horses sometimes. But it's ok. It really is. I know who I am, and I know my reactions in some situations. The important thing is to not act on impuls to that reaction, and to reflect (is this really real?), because if not, it might end up hurting someone else or yourself.

Just because your reality is crystal clear to you, it doesn't mean other people will know your every thought. Think about it, the only way to try to get someone to understand you is to communicate. Someone else won't understand when you get back after you've reflected, saying "I didn't mean that, I'm not like that". Because yes, you ARE like that, but you don't have to act on it. Stop and think about it before. My advice to everyone is to confess to yourself that you do have feelings that you're not proud of, and that you know they're in your head, and that you want to learn how to deal with them. Because getting to know yourself and make these confessions is the first step to TRULY accepting who you are. When you get to know you, it will be so much easier to communicate with others, and to be honest.

No one is perfect. You can't strive for perfect, but you can learn from past lessons. You can learn how to communicate better.  With others, but also; with yourself. By making confessions.

The fear that lies within

I am a visionary person, I see the week from monday to friday as a flipped D and I see the year divided and in 2 lines like these: 

\\

I see my entire lifeline as one long diagonal line, in this direction / only not as steep.

The years are divided in to decades, and I think that's why I don't experience the common anxiety that people tend to have concerning their age. Because I kind of see 21 as the same as 29, since it's within the same "box". 

Now that I'm 31, I'm only in the third box of life, the third one out of nine. (Because in my mind I'm gonna leave this planet sometime in my 90's). 

The decade between 0-10 is kind of hard to define, but I do remember thinking a lot about life. One very specific thing that I learned in this box, was that I was a human being. Duh, right? But really, I thought about it in a different way. I remember that when I was in the bathroom, on the toilet seat, I always, ALWAYS, stared at one specific spot, right where the floor met the wall, and I thought to myself repeatedly: "I am me" I transcended to a stage deep within that was super cool, but I had to stop myself every single time since it scared me so much. I still did it all the time though because it was such an amazing thing, to actually realize that I was someone in this human body.

I was able to get to a sacred space which is my core self, at a very young age.

I think that was my starting point, from where I have developed and kept exploring this amazing tool, called our minds. 

It hasn't been an easy ride, and it still isn't. The journey resulted in panic attacks, depression, a great great fear of this life, and a scepticism; I have wanted t challenge the "rules of our society" since I was very young. 

My greatest fear in life is to fall victim to these rules, and to wake up one day when I'm in box 4 or 5 and realize that I actually do have regrets. I don't think that I'll ever allow that, because I know what I need to do in this box to turn my biggest dream in to reality, but it's still a fear.

I don't usually talk a lot about what I actually want to do, and what kind of life I want to live, because when I do, I see the reaction in people's eyes (the "omg, how are you this naive" look).

When I've talked about waiting for a love that's out of this world; a cool love story to tell everyone about, extreme attraction, my very best friend, crazy passion, fireworks, staring in to each others eyes forever and seeing the other persons soul, a love so strong that nothing will ever be able to break it, people have told me that I'll never experience that, because it doesn't exist.  You are too picky they've said, you have too high demands, no one will be able to give you all that, because then I would have to meet someone who wants the same thing and no one is that naive..

But I've stayed true to what I want, accepting nothing less. 

I want to live the life of my dreams, and to be able to do that I have to stay true to every single aspect of it. I need a plan. Because I actually have a scene in my mind, where I'm making money doing exactly what I want, having two places in different parts of the world that I call home, showing my 2 little kiddos the world starting at a very early age.

The years pass by so fast, and if we allow the autopilot to take over our minds, and settle in to what it comfortable, I think that there might be regrets. At least for me.

I know where I want to be, and I will start taking the small steps. Now. I just took the first one right here. Box 3, great things will happen here..

The journey is more important than the goal

When you're new at work, all you can think about is: "I can't wait till I'm comfortable in this role".
When you're in school you just wanna graduate.
When you've just met someone that you really like, you can't wait till you feel grounded in the relationship, and feel secure.

Although..

When you're comfortable in your role at work, you might have entered the hamster wheel and you're not motivated anymore.
When you've graduated school, you'll enter the world of trying to find a job, and all you want is to just find a job instead.
When you're secure in that relationship, do you take each other for granted?

My point is: don't rush things. Enjoy the way things are. When you're new at work, everything's new and exciting, and you're so motivated!
When you're in school, you have the freedom to choose when and where you wanna study. You're surrounded by classmates, by inspiring teachers and motivating classes.
When you've met someone you like, it's the excitement and the "not taking anything for granted" feeling that is so amazing!

The years actually pass by faster and faster the older you get. I say it all the time, but don't wish away your days, waiting for something new and better.



To make it the best journey possible is the goal. It's the work you have to put in to reach that goal that is the important part because that's where you learn, that's where you set the standard for the turnout.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to have goals, not at all. You need goals to stay motivated in life, but what I'm saying is that you should enjoy the ride, and learn from the ride.


Happy friday people, I'm enjoying my last 2 days as a 30 year old...

Balancing Togetherness and Individuality

I like to surround myself with people who are different from me. Because it's cool to be inspired by others and listen to what other people dream about, who they are and what they're interested in.

If I end up trying something new because someone else talks about all the advantages and benefits of it, I'm super excited! That's awesome. 

Although, it's important to remember that in any relationship, you don't have to do everything together and you certainly don't have to like all the same things. I'm a big fan of having different interests, so that you keep your individual life.

I think I've written about this before, I can't really remember. But the big picture here is that it's crucial to be the person you are and to follow your own hearts will. 

I think it does nothing but backfire on you, when you by own will turn to all the interests and hobbies of another person because you think that they might like you more, or you think they want you to, or because you want to be able to do everything together. It's suuuuuper important to have core beliefs, values and interests in common, but I think having your own interests too is a key to success in a relationship.

This is because I have parents who have been happily married for 34 years. 

My mom loves to read, my dad has read one book in his entire life.

My dad plays professional tennis, my mom tried it out...once.

My mom designed and created her own clothing for years and have an interest in fashion, my dad..well, he walks into a store to buy new jeans or a shirt maybe once a year.

My dad can spend entire afternoons watching sports, and my mom will happily watch her murder case series on another device.

I can't even count the number of times that my mom have told me:

"Remember to always stand on your own feet, even when you're married or in a serious relationship"

If you turn in to the couple who has to do everything together, you might loose your friends, and most importantly: you might loose YOU.

When you insist on doing everything together, you won't ever miss each other. 

Stay true to your interests. Do stuff alone. Do stuff with friends. Do stuff with your boyfriend/girlfriend and all of your friends. Do stuff that you as a couple both love doing and do it together! Because obviously you have to do things that belong to the two of you and that belong in the life that you have created together.

But I really believe in living your own life, balancing the life you live in togetherness. 

What I left behind

I'm used to saying that I just moved back home after 4 years in California. The thing is though..in 6-7 weeks, it's been a year.

In a weird way that I can't explain, that makes me feel like I'm loosing a big part of myself. Every day brings me further away from my life there. 

Something that not a lot of people know, and that will sound like the silliest thing in the world, is that I had this pillow...A pillow that was my best cuddlebud. I'd had it forever and it had this special smell, that I became addicted to. Hugging that pillow and plying with the corners of it made me feel incredibly safe. 

You can ask my roommates at the time. Every time I felt down or was stressed, I went into my room and I grabbed that pillow and sat with it in front of the tv. I didn't even think about it, I just knew that I needed it so I went and grabbed it.

When I left Santa Barbara on September 19th, I left that pillow. It was supposed to be my reason to return, because it was a huge part of my life, and like I said, I was addicted to it. I left a bunch of stuff, but my pillow was the only thing that I thought was painful to leave behind. 

I didn't return. 

I have no idea where that pillow is today, and when I think about it, it actually makes my stomach turn. I have to see the pillow as the one thing I had to leave behind to somehow move on with my life. It stayed with me through all the good and bad that was my time in Cali. 

I hugged it super tight during the flight that left Stockholm January 4th 2012, and I left it in the closet on 124 Oceano Avenue on September 19th 2015. 

It's been almost a year..but just like my pillow, I have to let go and not see my time in California as what defines me. It's an amazing experience and it will always be a huge part of my life, but at the same time, it's a chapter that's over. My story continues, and it does so in Stockholm, Sweden.

Forgiveness.

I'm thinking about forgiveness.
How many times have you said the words "I forgive you", and truly felt that you meant it? If someone's done something to you that requires you to forgive them, is it enough to just say the words I forgive you and then move on?

Nope.

I believe in forgiveness and I believe that it has two separate functions.

Every single person in this world has done and will keep making mistakes. You can choose to say that you forgive a person for something that they've done, but you have to make sure that you do with every single part of you, because once you say that you forgive, you can't bring it up in the next fight. Are you able to let go of the hurt and leave it behind? Or do you say you forgive them because you're scared of being alone and to loose that person?

If someone lets you down, they do something unexpected.

True forgiveness is when you let go of the hope that the future could have been different.

Our brains are programmed to plan stuff and with planning comes expectations. I believe it's a safety mechanism, because it's scary as hell not knowing what the future might bring right? 

Expectations can be so dangerous though, because this life comes with zero guarantees. 

When you forgive someone and do it with your entire being, you are making a statement that you will let it go and you will keep that person in your life. They are truly sorry and you will never ever punish them for that mistake, because you forgave them.

The other function that forgiveness has is when you forgive someone who's no longer in your life. A person that is not the slightest bit sorry for what they did to you. This type of forgiveness is super hard. But it's the same principle: True forgiveness is when you let go of the hope that the future could have been different.

When you come to the realization that things will never be the way you once expected (the dangerous expectations) you need to forgive that person to be able to let go. 

Let go of them, and let go of the hope that you held on to for so long. 

And don't forget to forgive yourself for holding on for so long.

Like I once wrote before: to be able to allow new better things to enter your life, you need to let go of the old stuff from the past. Because no matter how hard you try to carry it all, the new and the old, the old stuff will weigh you down, and eventually make you drop the entire weight and maybe leave you with nothing. Make sure the things you carry are light, loving and bring you nothing but joy.

Repair yourself

I ran in to a picture online about a year ago:

It got to me, straight to the heart. That pottery has character now. It's been broken but it's fixed with gold and it's pretty cool right? It's unique.

In between the age of 21-26 I went through panic attacks, severe depression, saw a therapist, couldn't work for 6 months, did multiple tests to see what was wrong with my heart, went on beta blockers to control the heartbeat, had ultrasounds, severe cell changes in the cervix stage 3 which is a pre-stage to cancer, had surgery, developed eating disorders..and went through a terrible heartbreak. 

But I got through it all. My parents, my friends, the support from others, and most of all, my own will and my vision to be this strong person, was and still is my gold. The gold that put the broken pieces back together. I believe I've got character today, I believe in myself in a way that not a lot of people do.

Us humans have such an amazing support system that heals us from anything. The body supports us, and say a heartbreak will eventually stop hurting physically, but our mindset is what will make the bigger difference. 

Don't close your mind, open it up. Seriously. Where you're at now won't be where you're at in the future. Picture all the possibilities. Take wisdom from past hardships, and remember that you've been through bad times before and you made it through. 

You will again. You've been fixed before, and life isn't about finding perfection, because you will be hurt, sad or broken again that's something we all know. Life is about finding the gold that will be your glue, the glue that will be there for life, and the gold that makes you..you. 

Repair yourself. The fucked up things that smashes you into peaces is what you can look back on and say thank you to. You learn from everything. Value that.