Leap of faith

This spring, I thought I had my entire life figured out. I knew what I "had to do" and I was gonna do it. Things happened that felt right and that supported my decision. I was excited, I really was..

6 months later, I might be more confused than I've ever been in my entire life, although I am happier than I've been in a long time. An opportunity has opened up that will for sure lead me towards doing what I am truly passionate about, something that wouldn't even feel like work for me, but as doing what I love, which is to inspire positive change. 

My dream is to run my own company. I'm working on my first book that I want to publish, and I have this visualization about speaking in front of and inspiring thousands of people. I know exactly within what field, and I know what it is that I want to accomplish but obviously I cannot write that in my blog. 

Somehow I have always known that I was meant to do something big. I have known that since I was a little kid. The things that are happening to me right now are huge and they need to happen in order for me to continue working towards my goal. These things need to happen, and once again in life, I'm forced to take a leap of faith. 

I'm sorry for writing so vaguely about all this, I will be more specific in later posts I promise. I just felt a need to write about it to clear my head and realize that I need to stick to the path, because like all other humans I'm tempted to take the easy way out and do what is easy and comfortable, BUT I will follow my life's motto; Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. 

I would be crazy to not accept this opportunity! It's just that it scares me, but that is a good thing, because if life doesn't scare us sometimes we're not being challenged enough.

Ok, time to pack some more. See you in 3 days Sweden!

Gratitude.

I woke up this morning and felt a bit low, since my reality and everyday life these last years as a student is about to change. Although, as I started my morning I quickly switched from that to feeling an incredible amount of gratitude. All over the news and through my facebook feed, I'm reminded that 9/11 happened 14 ago. Tears fill my eyes and I feel so much love for my family and my friends. Gratitude for having them in my life fills my entire body.

I also spent some time reading Fabian Bohlins blog, who is a 28 year old Swede who is battling leukemia. I have been following his journey like so many others, and the gratitude for having a healthy body adds to my already existing gratitude. He is a great inspiration, and I am grateful for the fact that he writes me back when I write him. He is a beautiful person inside out.

The refugee crisis in Europe keeps getting worse, and the gratitude for having a home, food available, and a bed adds so much more.

As I write this, I almost feel guilty for taking things for granted. We all do that more or less. I was lucky enough to be born in an amazing country, being raised by loving supportive parents and a childhood where I had everything I ever needed.
My family is happy and healthy. I am happy and healthy. That is all that really matters.

I want to encourage everyone to stop for a moment today and just appreciate everything and everyone you have in your life. Yes everyone is struggling with things, large or small, and it's ok to struggle but it is so important to appreciate all the good things. Sometimes we let our problems take over and we allow ourselves to have bad days or even bad weeks or months. Fact is, we are alive and life itself is an amazing thing.
We are able to breathe without having terrible chest pain. We are able to walk without being scared that our next step will lead us to a country border who will refuse our entry.


Did you all know that when you feel gratitude, your heart's energy expands your existing energy field? It actually radiates a positive energy that is contagious.

I also want to tell everyone in my life how much I appreciate you. Even if we haven't spoken for a long time or haven't seen each other in a while, I want you all to know how much I appreciate your existence and that you have without a doubt taught me things that have been important for me, because every person you meet will teach you something.

It might sound silly, but I want everyone who reads this to smile at strangers today. At least 5. I always do that when I need a switch in mood. When I smile at someone I don't know and they smile back, it makes my entire day. I assure you that it makes their day as well.

Let's make this day, 9/11, a day filled with gratitude and love.

Last day at Antioch University

I came to the U.S. on January 4th 2012. I didn't know a soul in Santa Barbara. Wow, everything that's happened since that day is just..waaay too much to even start addressing.

Now that I'm so close to the end, it has pretty much forced me to think back on all the memories I have from these 3 years and 9 months. What most people might not know is that I was only supposed to stay for 5 months and try the experience, then go back to my life in Sweden. I ended up wanting to get my marketing certificate, after that I thought I could at least get my AA, and after that I decided to get my BA. Double Bachelor's Degrees in Business/Entrepreneurship and Marketing.

Here I am now,about to walk to Antioch for the last day of classes ever. Ever. 

I have finished my education in the United States. It's been a journey of no other kind, and I've met so many people that have either inspired me, supported me or taught me something. Friends that I've made are not friends anymore, and I've had acquaintances who very quickly turned in to friends. Teachers that have motivated me, (fooled me), kept me on track, and forced me to learn new things. 

My time at City College and Antioch University could be turned in to a reality show of no other kind. 

I have debated moving back to Sweden 3 times, I have thought I would do it every single time, but something major always happens that makes me stay. I watched a documentary the other day that's called "the power of the heart", and Paulo Coelho said that when you resist or doubt your life's real purpose, life will push you back 3-4 times in order for you to understand what you need to do. Let's see what life has to say this time. I already know what SB has to offer me and even though that is huge, I need to see what Stockholm has to offer me in order for me to want to stay there.

I am closing the book of being a student in Santa Barbara, and I am opening up a completely blank chapter. I still don't know where I will be when 2016 starts, all I know is that I am going home in 6 days. HOME. I need it so bad, because I haven't felt like myself lately. I allowed myself to let go of emotions and just go with everything. I have been buried in school work, seeing people, drinking too much wine, said things I haven't meant, and all because I turned into some sort of robot.

Things do happen for a reason though, and yesterday night while I was out with a bunch of Antioch people, something happened inside of me and I just felt this urge for grounding myself back home in Sweden. At least for a while, right..

The wild horse in me keeps on running.

I wish I knew exactly what I need. 

Wow, As I wrote that sentence I know that I already know. 

To be continued then..

The purpose

I started meditating about two years ago, and I have done it on a daily basis since. It has helped me a lot, with regulating emotions and not act on impulse. It creates a space between the feeling that arise and the action you chose to take.

What I didn't do until this quarter was to ad a purpose to my meditation. WHY am I doing it? Sure, I knew I did it to reduce stress, for it to calm me down, and because it made me feel super good every morning as I got out of the meditation practice. These 10 weeks though, I've added a real purpose to why I sit down every morning for 15 minutes. I know exactly what my goal is, and I repeat it to myself as I meditate.

I am well aware that a lot of people don't believe in meditation, but I can only speak for myself and the fact that my eyes actually teared up in class yesterday when we talked about the changes we have seen in our selves throughout this quarter. They are HUGE. My teacher shared my tears and she told me that I am a completely new person now then the one I was in the beginning of the quarter. She says I'm a huge bowl of sunshine now, and that she saw the worrying and the stress I was carrying around in the beginning of the quarter.

It's so important to listen to your gut. Because you always always always know when something is right for you or not. I chose to not listen to my gut, and I allowed my brain (and the norms of society) to take over. Fortunately for me, life happened and it reminded me of what I have to do and apparently it turned me in to a glowing person filled with positivity.


I am leaving Santa Barbara next Thursday. These four years changed my life in every way possible.  I have set a real purpose, I know exactly what I want to do and achieve, and I'm completely open to everything life has to offer me at this point.

Be your own best friend

Today in my mindfulness class, we did a guided meditation and I met myself. This sounds so weird and super crazy to people who don't believe in spirituality, but I met myself. It was like seeing myself from the outside for the very first time, and I walked right up to myself and gave me the biggest hug, and told myself, I love you. I hugged myself and held myself for a minute or so. Freaky, I know.

Today is the very last day of my "twenty something" days. Looking back on these 10 years since I turned 20 has been a blast today. I've learned amazing lessons in life! I have done so much! All the countries I've seen, all the people I've met, all the let downs, the love, the craziness, the jobs I've had, the studying...
Plus, I am extremely grounded in myself now. I know all my qualities and all my flaws. I wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes, and that's a part of me.
I have complained about my flaws a lot and I have been wanting to change myself in some areas, but today as I was sitting in class, I was just like..I need to just accept every single thing about myself, just as much as I need to accept every single thing about other people. That is the only way. Because truth is; everyone has flaws. E v e r y o n e.

I need to understand that not everyone will get me. I don't get everyone. I get surprised still when I discover sides that I never would have thought existed in people I know, but that's ok.  I'm not the one to judge because I'm clearly not perfect either. Things happen for a reason, and I have become an expert on connecting the dots in my life that has led me to making choices. It's super fascinating.

I'm the type of person that get really excited when I learn new things, and how you can grow as a human being. I want to share it with everyone, but not everyone will be as inspired or believe in the things I believe in. I have found that to be frustrating in the past, because to me, it seems so boring to live a life where you don't believe in anything.

I have discovered now though, that all I need to do is focus on myself. I'm grateful for my beliefs, and I'm so so so happy to be me. My main goal in life is to be happy like everyone else. To love and accept myself completely. Because, when you really think about it, all you have is yourself. Even if you are in a relationship, you still need to be completely grounded, independent, and accepting of the person you really are. Because another person can never complete you. You complete you, another person can lift you, but not complete you.

As I close the chapter of twenty something, I couldn't be happier. I've learned lessons up until this very last day, and I look forward to the next chapter in life, because I plan to live it with tons of compassion for others, but most importantly; with compassion for myself. I am my own best friend.

Happy last day as a twenty something to me!

Sweet uncertainty

My favorite class this quarter is without a doubt my mindfulness class. Since we start and end the class with meditation, I'm in a state of being completely open and able to take all the information in, and it is incredibly though-provacitive.

I find myself questioning things I've believed in the past, and it is really fascinating. I'm actually really grateful for the fact that I'm not small-minded, I have always been able to absorb and take in new views on life. I see my mind as an open space that collects inspiration and wisdom and I will continue my entire life.



We discussed uncertainty yesterday, and my teacher asked if anyone in the class is completely comfortable with uncertainty. He said it's really scary for a lot of people, and most of us seek some form of validation even though we know that nothing in life is certain.

I had to throw in a comment because I have a way of coping with it. Instead of seeing the unknown as something scary and plant scenarios I know nothing about, I have started to change my view. I told the class that I feel excited instead. I have no idea what I will do in Sweden for example, where I'll live, what kind of job I'll get, what new people I will meet, but that's not scary it's insanely exciting! I don't even know what I will do this afternoon, and literally anything can happen. One girl in the class just sat with an open mouth and said; "I have never thought of it that way in my entire life".

Basically everything in life comes from within, because your perception decide how you deal with what life gives you. It's your mind, your thoughts, and you are in charge. My teacher told us that when anxiety comes along for example, you need to notice it right away, visualize yourself looking at it outside of your body and just tell it "You're not in control of me, I am".

I have a very strong belief that our minds are our greatest asset but also our most hostile enemy if we don't use it right, and that can scare the hell out of me. I think of the amazing capacity of our minds and how much potential that lies in every single human being, but how so many people live their lives on autopilot and stay in a small-minded "I know everything already" state of mind their entire lives because they don't understand the astonishing power of our mind.

I want to see the world as a beautiful place, so I will focus on staying excited about uncertainty instead of trying to find validation and certainty. Because I can rely on my own capacity of feeling happy and excited, but I can never rely on validation because one of the greatest truth in life is that nothing can be taken for granted.

How proud are you of being busy?

Walking home from Roco today, after having a very good talk and catchup with my friend Kirstine, I started thinking about the fact that nowadays, people seem to be proud of (and kind of bragging about) being really busy.

It's seen as something prestigious and something you ought to be proud of. Because if you are super busy, it means you have a purpose in life, and you work hard. We have this imprint in our heads that hard work pays off. I'm here to challenge this and say that yes, hard work pays off..maybe in form of a higher salary, more responsibility, but more stress that causes you to not sleep, in form of burnout, disease, exhaustion and a loss of character.

Agree? Maybe not, but that's how I see it.

I can be really deep, and I have thought about the meaning of life since I was a kid. What's the meaning with all this when I'm gonna die one day anyways? Eat, sleep, stress, work? I don't think so.
The ones who truly know me have know that I am a dreamer, and I believe in big BIG things. I believe in the possibility of life long love filled with passion, fun, laughter, attraction, energy. I believe in having a job that has purpose, that gives you energy instead of draining you. I believe in inspiring others to challenge themselves and continually grow as human beings. I believe you can change. I believe that if there's a will there's a way. I believe in true purpose. I believe in looking into the eyes of someone you love and be in that moment without thinking about what you need to do in the morning. I believe in being happy, truly and fully. I believe in standing up for how I feel in every situation.

You think I'm naive? Maybe. But it's the way I chose to give my life purpose, by believing in these, and by constantly work for them, and above all else; work on myself.

By staying really busy, taking on way too much responsibility, trying to prove you can do everything, showing the world that your life has purpose because you are needed, might cause you to loose the things that has true purpose.

This might sound silly to some people, but one of the meanings of true purpose for me is to take moments each day and appreciate, and to discover things. I am in my own world when I am walking around town for example. I never see friends waving at me because I see squirrels in trees, ants on the ground,  a really old couple walking hand in hand, clouds that has a shape of something, or a big red balloon across the street.

I want to make the most of my time, and not look back on my life if I grow to be old, thinking about how stressed I was, or how I missed my kids important soccer game because I had to work at a job I didn't like, or be too tired to ask how my future husbands day was and be able to truly engage, or how I lost valuable sleep that keeps me sane because I worry about all the things I have to do. I want purpose, and I want to be able to have the energy it takes to appreciate what matters most to me.

Think that I'm crazy if you want, but this is what I think I need, in order to not loose my sometimes complex mind. Because I love my mind even if it's my worst enemy sometimes.

I am in a really busy period in my life right now and have been struggling to calm my mind, but now I'm just basically telling it to shut up. I won't let stress ruin my last months here. I just won't. So I keep my eyes open, a smile on my face, and I keep acknowledging the bugs that walk next to me on the sidewalk.

I say stop glorifying being crazy busy. Start glorifying living a life filled with whatever true purpose means to you. 

Something new

I know I have been talking a lot about how much I will miss this place, BUT, there is an important but involved. I made a choice, and it was mine. I made the decision to move back to Sweden because my future is there, and because I know that that's where I am the best version of me, where I'm close to family, and where I have always known I want to live when I settle down.

I can't wait to see fall emerge and wear knitted big sweaters and see all the colors change in Sweden.
I am so excited to see the first snow fall for the first time in 4 years.
I'm excited about what kind of job I will get.
I love the fact that I will get to visit my niece and nephew whenever I want.

I can't wait to just be...swedish.

It's important to keep in mind right now (for myself, but also for the people I care about) that I am going through a transitioning phase. I have lived here for almost 4 years, and right now I'm applying for jobs back home, I have tons of work to do in school, I don't know where I'll be able to find an apartment in Stockholm, I will have to say goodbye to people here soon that I don't know if I'll ever see again in my life, so I am sorry if I'm a bit emotional and can't be on top and the happy me all the time.
I know that everything will be just fine, and I can't wait until everything is settled and I get to live my own life, with a job, my own interests and routines.

Just bare with me.

I'm coming home because I want to come home.

Memory lane - Tiesto

In February 2013, I got an offer to come to Fresno the day after and be Tiesto's personal bartender backstage.
What do you say to that? YES!

I e-mailed my teachers saying I had to go out of town, packed a bag and hoped on a train, and traveled for about 7 hours until I got to Fresno. I honestly had no idea what to expect, what the venue looked like, who was gonna be there etc. But if there's something that California has taught me, it's to be a yes-sayer.

I got there, and I talked to the 2 guys I knew a little from before, started setting up Tiesto's lounge (he wanted rose petals all over the place) Then I got all the alcohol and I set up the whole thing, before Tiesto, Alvaro and Quantino showed up with their "crew". I was the only girl in the room with about 12 guys, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, because I am way more comfortable being social and comfortable with guys then with girls. So I poured jager and made drinks, and partied with them before they got on stage one at a time.

The after party lasted until like 5 am, and the train ride home the morning after was the longest one of my life, but it was totally worth it. It was a really fun experience and a memory I'll carry for life.
Having deep talk with one of the worlds greatest DJ's, giving him advice about love at 4 am, is not something you get to do every day.


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This weekend, I'll be working at the french film festival, so I strongly suggest everyone who's up for some awesome french movies to stop by!

Life in California

Meditation. Yoga. Coffee. Drive down Cliff drive with the sun in my eyes to the gym, loud music. Workout. Smiles from people. Drive home, watch the ocean, loud music. Shower, really feel the water on my skin. Oatmeal, banana, blueberries, applesauce, coconut milk (best. thing. ever.) Get dressed, wear whatever you want, because this is California, no one will ever judge you. Walk across the SBCC campus, watch the amazing view, go to school. Finish early? Walk to the beach. Feel the sand between my toes. Listen to and watch the ocean. PEACEFUL. Walk home. Sit on the couch with a glass of wine. Talk to roommates. Laugh. Talk about memories, and all the people we have met and been forced to say goodbye to. 

I am leaving in 2 months.

2 months.

What am I gonna do without these days?

This is my only reality, the only place I feel safe, where I know my identity, and where I have started to make a name for myself. Networked. Worked my ass off. I am a part of the community.

I am leaving in 2 months.

I will blog about memories these last couple of months. Remember the most important people I have met, and the most valuable moments.

I love you California.