You have to take risks

"You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen".

Everywhere I go, whoever I talk to, there's always this fear. A fear of getting hurt, of being betrayed, of being unhappy. This fear though, does it make you happy? Do you feel better when you think the guy you are dating is with another girl, then if he actually was? Do you feel happy, strong and all powerful because you build walls around you and refuse to believe there are any genuine loving people out there, because you've been cheated on before? Is that a better feeling than to love fully and actually be betrayed?

My heart blackberry I found about 1,5 years ago

I would guess it's about the same kind of hurt in all these cases. 

This is why we need to let go. The only way we can be truly happy is when we love fully, and give all of it away without fear. To love fully though, we need a solid foundation. Solid as fu**. We need to fill ourselves up with love for ourselves. 

Practice self love, and open that heart of yours! Because you know what? It is super super super strong. 

What I always want to tell people who say they are afraid to love again because they've been hurt, is that they should be even more willing to take the risk now, just because you made it through before. If your current relationship falls apart, then you know for sure that you will make it through again, because you've done it before. 

When you are on the look out for betrayals, you don't love. You doubt. 
Let it go. Please. Spread love all around and release the fear, it is the only way.

Time to close another chapter.

I woke up this morning at 9 (!) I usually wake up between 6am-7am, so that was a surprise when I looked at the time when I woke up. I stayed in bed for a while and just stared at the ceiling, and thought about the fact that this semester is over. Everyone is leaving and when we all see each other again it will be a a new year, and a new term to look forward to.

Ever since I moved here, every single semester has been completely different from each other. New people, new classes, new teachers, new experiences, and I feel like I enter them with a fresh mind every time. It's like I reset my brain before I start a new semester, and I leave the old ones behind.

This one will be hard to leave behind though. I've had more fun than ever these last couple of months! I've been fortunate enough to meet so many new people, where one of them is a very close friend already; Ellen. Who would have though we would be best brahs after such short period of time? (note; we call each other brah, and everyone else too, but we are so not serious) And then there's Louise who has been my partner in crime for 1,5 years who won't be coming back to SB after this semester, which is breaking my heart.
The 4 of us have had such an awesome time these months! All the talks, laughs, dances (twerking 101, teach me how to dougie, reggae dancing while pretend-smoking at the same time...and more) We have a lot of fun at our place because we are very good at being our complete silly selves, thats for sure, and I'm filled with gratitude!

This weekend was s o  m u c h  f u n! 2 nights of pure stomach exercising laughs. I didn't get much sleep though, which is why I slept in for so long this morning. I made coffee and went to the gym, and now I'm just sitting by our little table, listening to music, blogging and throw an eye over at Louise and Ellen on the couch and smile for myself. My girls.

Life goes on, and goodbyes are a part of everyones path. It's hard to let go of such a great period of time and close this chapter, but many of the people I like will still be here next year, and I look forward to continue this crazy adventure of mine in Santa Barbara. 3 years.. The Malena who got on that plane on January 4th in 2012, thinking she would stay for 5 months, was so wrong. So wrong about many things in life. I wish I could go back and give myself a big hug, thanking myself for doing the scariest thing I've ever done. It is and will always be the best decision I could possibly have made.

Love.

d o n e. with everything.

I'm sitting in bed, covered in layers of clothes under my blanket, hugging my pillow with my left arm. The rain is pouring outside and it's super windy. My ears are filled with "wait" by M83, and I'm feeling...done.

I'm done with school yes, I finished yesterday and it feels so good! But I'm done with basically everything. I'm just done trying. I just want to be.

Sorry, I'm just so exhausted right now. School is over and I have time to relax. This year has been so turbulent. I haven't been able to process any emotions at all.
Until I do, and that's when it hits you.

I was on my way home from doing groceries the other day, feeling pretty stressed out and all I could think about was how I needed a hug. Not from anyone, but from the last person I should want hugging me. I haven't felt that in a very long time. I don't want anything from him anymore, but a long hug.
Because I need to know if he's ok, and that despite the fact that he did what he did, I will never hold any grudges. I just need those eyes to be filled with the same spark I saw this spring. I don't want to see the sadness anymore, that I saw again yesterday. I can't stand it.

I want people to be happy.
I want positive vibes.


Anyways, I'm not just gonna be all emotional and deep on you guys.
I am actually excited about a lot of things. A 3 week break, including a busy weekend (which is Louise's very last weekend in SB) that will be crazy! We are going to the casino tomorrow to get rich, and bring home a car. Saturday night will be the big goodbye party, and I'm just hoping I will be able to have a good time and not cry in her arms all night..
After that we have 4 days together to just take walks, sit on our couch and talk the four of us like we do almost every night. Do you have any idea how lucky I am to live with these girls?


I am so excited about Sweden too, I can't believe I'm going home in a week! Home, home, home. My family, my nephew, my niece, my friends, malaren outside of my window as I wake up in the mornings, chai latte at espresso house, christmas eve...and much more. I will make sure to make the most out of every single second those 12 days in Sweden.

Time to tuck in and watch some series before I fall asleep.
Have a wonderful day/night everyone, and remember to be kind. Just..be kind, and think about what effect your actions might have.

A dream.

I thought I would have so much to write about now that I finally take time to write but my mind is blank. No stress, no excitement, no nothing.

It could be because I'm really sick. I've been stuck at home for 4 days with fever and flu symptoms. I have barely been able to study these days, all I do is sleep. 

It could also be because Saturday was maybe as crazy as it could possibly get and I realized I need a change soon. I started feeling a sore throat before I took a lyft down to Kirstine's but I didn't listen to my poor body. 

Me, Elisabeth and Kirstine had one hell of a night. Cadiz, Eos, Cadiz, Eos. Falling, falling. 

I've been living like there's no tomorrow and even though that is a good thing, there are actually some consequences. 

Sunday was filled with anxiety. Not because I had done something wrong or bad or even worth mentioning, but because I can't keep living like this. I have been living like this since I was 15. And yes sure, I usually have an awesome time and we keep screaming yolo and laugh till our stomachs hurt because it's the most ridiculous word we know, and we do shots, we dance, we are forever young and yada yada.

But.

I have a dream. A dream to wake up next to someone super awesome, kiss his neck, scratch his back, say good morning and see his smile. Make breakfast together in our home, drink coffee, and read the newspaper while our feet play with each other under the table. And drink a few glasses of red wine on the weekends instead of half a bottle of vodka.

Yup.

This does not mean that I am on a desperate hunt. It's the opposite. I probably don't even have time for this dream to come true yet. I just miss being able to spoil someone. 

- - - - -

One more thing, next week is my last week in school! I'm done with my first quarter in one week. I'm so excited and I am actually looking forward to the next one, starting on Jan 5th. 

Have a great week everyone, and send me some healthy thoughts so I get better soon!

Don't ever lose hope

I would like to say I'm in a transforming stage. One in which I will come out stronger with an even harder shell for new people to break through. The same kind of events keep happening to me and I know they do for a reason; for me to learn.

So what am I supposed to learn? That you can't trust anyone and that guys will treat you with less respect than you know you deserve? F u c k  n o. That is not the lesson. It has nothing to do with other people, it has to do with me and me only.

Self-love before you can be loved.

I know I have talked about it before, the fact that everything that has happened to me in the past created the person I am. I have talked about how I've learned. Although, I keep doing the same mistakes. But I read somewhere that people or events don't leave your life until they have taught you what you needed to learn from them.

I have gotten my head smashed into a wall now. Wake up and smell the fucking coffee Malena.

Again, this has nothing to do with people that I am surrounded by now, no one has mistreated me. The only one who has been mistreating me is me.
Doubt, worrying and stress has been part of every day this last month. I need to take serious action.

I am so sick of my brain too. I over analyze and I over think everything. This is what causes me to always live in the future. I create my own destiny and I do it by making up scenarios in my head that aren't even real, but which become real. I am so frustrated with this, and the fact that I don't know how to stop.

The only time I really live in the now is when I meditate. A state of pure peace of mind. That is when I can reconnect with myself, which is so important. I am who I am, and if someone decides they don't like that person anymore there's nothing I can do about it. -Even though I would have preferred an explanation. Then again, not everyone thinks like me. -

It may sound like I'm sad or whatever, but I'm fine. I won't ever lose hope. My future is bright and I am so aware of what I need to work on, and that is step one, the one that sets the foundation for my whole lesson-learning process.

-

Yesterday was awesome by the way. A crazy night for all of us I would say. Good times.


Love.

I'm here.

Since I was a teenager, I have known that I will get a well-paid job, managing and coaching others. I will travel, I will do presentations, I will be in charge of meetings, I will have a big office etc. This is not something I ever doubt, I know this will happen.
Just like I've known that I would get all the former jobs I've applied for in my past. I have never ever had one single doubt in my mind.
I got all those jobs. I got a job no one believed I would get before I decided to start studying again. The important thing though, was that I knew it, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.

You think I'm crazy right? But this is just an example of manifesting. And this is something I've done without even being conscious about it. Negative thoughts like worrying, stressing, and especially prejudging will for sure limit your life.

I am a specialist in using the law of attraction when it comes to certain areas of my life and the worst f-ing example in other areas. All the areas are proof that it works though. When you focus all your energy on what you don't want, that is exactly what will happen. When you focus on what you do want, you will get it.



The routine goes like this; ask, believe, receive. Tell the universe what you want, believe and act like its yours already and c h i l l  o u t. Let go. Don't cling to people or things. Give them all your love and positivity and they will come to you. All you have to do is trust the process, 100%.


I am working towards a life filled with abundance.
I am happy and grateful for so many things, although I still have work to do. But that's kinda why I'm here, living.
Life is a journey and we will never reach the ultimate goal or be finished in life, because eventually, we'll be gone. That is why it's so important to find happiness here and now and never stop learning to gain wisdom.

I'm here for you.

Quick facts

For anyone who is interested in some quick facts about me;

• I am 29 years old, and I'm a proud Leo with a touch of Virgo
• Born and raised in a town called Vasteras in Sweden
• Have been living in Santa Barbara for almost 3 years
• Middle child with 2 sisters
• Personality type ENFP, also known as "the inspirer"
• My dream is to run my own business
• I am a sun-worshiper, and I love the beach
• I meditate every single morning and do a yoga sequence for about 20 minutes
• I love food
• My eyesight is terrible so I wear contacts every day
• I do not like the taste of water. I force myself to drink it
• Working out is my drug
• I am an Instagram addict who likes selfies
• My dad is my greatest inspirer
• I am afraid of heights and can not walk down broad stairs without holding on to someone
• My dream as a girl was to live in California
• My confidence is very high but my self-esteem needs work
• I absolutely love walking with music in my ears
• My heart has a little hole in it
• I get creative and inspired by red wine
• I have a pillow that I sleep on every night that has been with me forever, it makes me feel safe
• My nightly routine of face cleansing, creams, and serums include 7-8 products
• I have a need to talk about emotional pain when I experience it, in order to let it go
• I have 3 tattoos
• I used to have a tongue piercing when I was 18-20 years old
• I have been on 3 backpacking trips 
• I have visited 19 different countries
• Addicted to Victorias Secret lingerie, owning about 80 pairs of panties
• Star gazing is therapy
• Love is all we really need
• I have a dream to one day write a book
• I can curl my tongue and wiggle my nose
• Squirrels and balloons are my love signs
• I believe in the law of attraction

Happy Friday

I'm sorry for being a bit flakey about my blogging! I guess it's about priorities right now, there's a bunch of other stuff going on in my life. It will get better, and my updates will get better too, promise.

It's friday night, I'm drinking red wine and am currently working on the first draft of an essay in one of my 5 classes. All the other girls are going out tonight, but for some reason I really didn't feel like joining them. I am really comfortable in my bed, in my hoodie, with my wine and my computer right now. I feel inspired and creative.

Margarita Monday

I will feel awesome tomorrow, and I am planning on going to the gym in the am, then study all day.

This week flew by as they always do. Monday was kind off a drag in school, because I was really tired. But my energy level rose as the night started, and me and the girls did Margarita Monday, starting at El Paseo then Sandbar. I laughed so much I got sore in my abs the day after, not kidding.

The weekend starts on Wednesday nights for me, and it started off really good. Thursday was one of the most productive days I've had in years probably, and the night ended with a visit to our neighbors.. laughing a lot to say the least.

The Shop lunch

I started this awesome Friday with a walk to east beach and back, and it was really hot outside. I can't believe it's the middle of November and it's like 72 degrees. Then I went to The Shop and had lunch, and it was super good as always. We both tried YOLO today and I'm mind blown by those biscuits, seriously.

And now, here I am, writing on a Friday night. I feel so good though. Better than I've had in a long time, thanks to more than one thing.

 Have a good weekend everyone!

Me

It's Sunday afternoon and I feel like sharing.

I stumbled upon an article this summer that really touched me. It did because I felt like I was reading about myself. I find it really interesting to read about how humans function, and how there is no way of telling what another person is feeling or thinking. I mean truly feeling and thinking.
We try, we over-analyze, we misunderstand, we judge, and we walk away out of fear of getting hurt.

I often get the feeling that people think they know how I function, but there are so many things that I am that does not necessarily show. I am a loner, a thinker, a feeler and a person who believes in signs. I am outgoing, hard-skinned and driven. I love meditating outdoors, walk alone, and write poetry. I love drinking wine with a big crowd, I love the feeling of being productive, work hard and lead other people.
Many of these things might seem contradictory but it's the way I am. The qualities you see from the outside are the ones I get judged by, but it's what's on the inside that's the real me.

Back to the article, it's called "How to love a leo".  I have copied a few paragraphs that are so spot on it's scary.

"She will yearn not for a castle on a hilltop, but for a cabin in the woods, so that she can sit by the river that runs through the land and listen to the lessons the four directions has to share. She will bow down and touch her forehead to the ground often, in an act of reverence and gratitude—and she will understand that the breeze that whistles through treetops carries with it messages meant just for her."

"She is stubborn—but she is kind and her compassion reaches to the far corners of the earth. In her heart, she holds it all; the joy and the sorrow, the laughter and the tears. As much as she wants you to wrap your arms around her and be held, she also needs long moments to hold herself, for a Leo feels so deeply at times she wonders if it is a blessing or a curse."

"She will feel like royalty if you return from a walk in the woods with a handful of wild flowers and if you take her on a date to gaze at the stars, she will devote her heart to you, and you alone. "

I am me, it's all I can be. It is also all I want to be, and that is a big realization.

Halloween weekend ✔

Ok, here we go.

I haven't had time to write in a while, mainly because of all the fun I've had. Seriously.

I'm entering week 5 at Antioch tomorrow, which is completely insane because it means I'm halfway through the quarter. It also means that I have to step up my game, because all the final projects are coming up. I'm gonna have to plan all my study time now.

Anyways, I'm sitting here on our couch looking at our place which is still full of halloween decorations., thinking back at an awesome Friday night. Although, my Halloween celebration started when I carved my very first pumpkin on Thursday night, I'm super proud.

Back to Friday; we started getting ready, made the jungle juice (punch), took out 100 jello-shots, and then people started showing up. The original plan was to go DT but everyone showed up later than we thought so it turned in to a really awesome party with a great mix of people. We had a bucket filled with sticky letters, and a wall where all the people could write stuff, and that was super fun! Almost as fun as waking up on Saturday and read it all.

I think I fell asleep around 3.30 am, and woke up at 7.30 am just to start cleaning. So worth it though, I had a good time. Saturday was all about recovering, so we all just stayed on the couch and on the floor all day, watching movies and talking about the party. I love my girls so much..
We were considering doing round 2, me Kirstine and Louise, but we stayed in. I'm really happy about that today because I was able to take a morning walk, study and then spend hours at the gym.  I feel really good; energized and productive. Ready for a new week.

So, have a great week everyone. Remember to be grateful for everything you have, and count your blessings as often as you can!

Love