What's up?

This is weird, but so familiar. I'm here, writing again! Three years later, and boy, my life has changed.

So, where do I begin? 

I honestly haven't thought about this blog in years. It was like I just didn't need it anymore? I had been writing for so long and given away (what I thought was) all my inner thoughts and felt uninspired. And life just caught up with me.

But yesterday I got the strongest gut feeling to go back here and read some of my posts. And I was like...did I write all this? I swear it felt like my life isn't a straight time line, but multiple time lines where Malena in 2017 is giving Malena in 2022 the best fucking advise I could ever ask for, right now in this moment in time. My gut told me, and I listened. 

Because here's the truth – I lost this blog when I lost myself in the rules of our society. Because thats what happened. I went through a crisis in the first half of 2019 and as I was building myself up after that, I think I came out shaped a bit differently. I convinced myself that being successful, making money, get an apartment in the right area, and buying designer shoes would make me happy. 

But we all know that doesn't work very long, right? 

To make a three year long story very short, I have been through grief, completely switched careers (twice), bought an apartment with my boyfriend, went through 5 months of therapy to fight an eating disorder that I had for 15 years (which is very noticeable in some of my old posts), went through 3 months of therapy for extreme panic attacks, and discovered healing. 

It's been one hell of a ride – where every single thing was part of my growth. And right now, I'm about to enter a course in the first step of reiki healing next weekend, so that I will be able to practice it myself. I'm completely addicted to all kinds of spiritual podcasts and books. It's my full blown return to myself and everything I believe in. And I feel sooo content. This is a new beginning.

And I might start writing here again, who knows? I'm not putting any pressure on myself to start blogging for real again, but I have a feeling Malena in 2025 might need it...

Love.

The thing about love

Imagine being the person you've always wanted to be.
No more "I wish I was more like that, or less of this"
Never having to say "This is just the way I am, there's no way I can ever change, even though I want to".

I am an improved person now, compared to three years ago. Because that is what the love from the right person does to you. I understand the true meaning of "you make me a better person".

And it's not because the other person "completes" you, or in any way forces you to change, or tells you that you can't do certain things.

It's because you, and only you, want to improve and be the best version for the person you love.
It's because the talks the two of you have about life, give you so much insight, and adds a whole new purpose to life.
It's because the person you love supports you, all the time,  and encourages you to try new things.
It's because the love from that person makes you feel completely safe.
It's because the two of you are a team.
It's because love is something greater than any other force in this universe.

That's the thing about love.

Don't let the pressure of living a perfect life ruin your life

This will probably sound like the biggest cliché of all times. But. It needs to be said.
We have one life. One. And every single day is a part of this one life we've been given.
But, we can't beat ourselves up for not living every day "perfectly". 


I have been struggling a little bit these first months of 2019. Initially, I think just waking up on January 1st was scaring me, because 2018 was the best year of my life. So I just started thinking about how this upcoming year could ever beat that? That was strike one.
Because years and days and hours is just something that has been made up by us humans as a way to organize things. Life never stops and begins again, it's just this one flow.

I also left the job I had for almost three years, and started a new one in the beginning on January. Much harder than I ever could imagine. Because at my previous job I felt like I was contributing, I was filled with knowledge, I felt like I meant something to the company and I was fucking great at my job. Coming from that, to knowing basically nothing, and being "the newbie" is rough. Strike two this year was caring too much about proving my self. The most important thing is that I know that I'm trying my best, and that I'm eager to learn.


My anxiety has been worryingly present this year as well. Honestly, I haven't had this much anxiety in many years. It was painful actually. I recognize all the symptoms from the past, and I know that I can handle it, it's just been weighing me down. But my anxiety is NOT strike three this year. No way. I will never ever put my self down for struggling with anxiety. All of you who have read my blog for years now know that I see my anxiety as a part of me. And an important one, that guides me through life.

So, I have chosen to see the anxiety as a sign that something's not been right, and now that I'm evaluating the first almost three months of 2019, I know what I need to do. And it's live my fucking life. With purpose.  I need to put my energy in to building the life of my dreams, as I've been doing before this year started. In my own pace, with great and not so great days. As long as I know where I'm heading.

I just hit a low in the beginning of this year, but I will never see it as wasted time. Because without it, I wouldn't be able to re-energize and see what I need to do clearer than ever.

Find your purpose, and start taking that first baby step towards it. Don't let the pressure or opinions from others ruin your shining light or make you quit your journey. Life will never be perfect, but don't beat yourself up about the lows. We need the lows to get to the highs.
Don't let the pressure of living a perfect life ruin your life. 

PS: I have been seeing squirrels twice in one week, running the streets of Stockholm. Right here where I live. That has never ever happened to me in the winter before. Something big and great is heading my way. I know it is, and I can't even explain how excited I am...

Oh hello...

All I can say right now is: wow. I've been reading through some of my posts today. My old posts are like..exactly what I needed to read right now. It's like I have posted all of them for myself to read at this very moment. 

That's actually something I've thought about many times as I've been writing this blog. I tend to write my own advice. It's like some sort of therapy I guess and I have written some pretty amazing stuff!

Anyways, I really love this blog and I have missed it a lot. I miss writing in english too. I've felt bad for not posting anything for 8 months, but just now realized that the only thing I can do about it is to actually start writing again! 

I think it's important to let our selves take the space we need sometimes and not place guilt on our selves for doing it. I have more stuff in my life that I miss doing, like yoga and meditation, that I know I need in order to feel aligned and balanced in life. I just misplaced myself for a little bit, but I'm on the right track back now and I don't see it as wasted time. I actually think I needed time off, to be able to see the difference and realize what I need to get back to doing what's right for me. 

It's not that I'm unhappy or anything, I have tons to be grateful about and exciting things ahead! I just miss my "deep thinking" side so much. Daily meditation is back ON,  I'm ordering new books about self-development and I'm reconnecting with my self and my gut. 

I'm super motivated now and excited to share what's up for 2019 with all of you.

New start and new posts at least twice a month. Stay tuned lovely ones!

seize life's opportunities

If you want something badly enough, you will find a way to get it.

Do you believe that?
And, do you find that sentence I just wrote, kind of..hard? I mean, does it sound like you have to work your ass off, go through tons of hardship, wear yourself out, and eventually you will get that reward?

Or, do you read that sentence, and ease in to your chair, relax, and smile because you know that just by setting a goal that's specific enough, life and everything that happens will lead you in the right direction and you will make it, by just believing it will happen?

Henry Ford once said;

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right.”

And I have believed in that quote ever since I read it the first time. It's in our mindset. I believe I can! Then I'm ringt; I can. I don't know how, but I can. 

I happen to be a living, breathing example of someone who believes the first sentence I wrote is true, and that I ease in to it with faith. Life gave me possibilities that I saw in an instant, and I grabbed them. Without having to work my ass off or wear myself out. Let me tell you in what ways I believe that my precise goals in life have helped me achieve what I have always wanted:

I remember one of my first teenage memories, when I was about 13-14 years old and I used to imagine myself in California. Driving a convertible car, parking it alongside of a street, walking in to school. My hair was blowing in the wind, I had sunglasses on, and I was smiling. Big big smile.

When I started working, for real, at 19 years of age, I set a goal for my future self. I would be successful in my career. I would be making more money than the average person, and I would be inspiring others by just being very good at what ever job I would land. I would love what I do, and be the perfect example for others.

When I was 23 years old, I sat in the kitchen area belonging to the store I was working in at the time. It was located in the basement, it was always cold, and I had just finished my lunch. I remember looking at the white ceiling, and I whispered to someone or something, that I want to be published. I want a real book with my name on it.

I moved to California when I was 26. The idea just popped into my head one day when I was browsing the internet, out of the blue, about 8 months before I actually moved. 12 years after I started daydreaming, I was driving a black convertible down the 101. My hair was blowing in the wind and my face was glowing.

Career wise, I have gotten way further than my 19 year old me ever imagined. I'm very successful in my account manager role, plus, I started my own small firm 3 months ago where I write content for customers, and I was hosting a pretty big event in February, where I spoke in front of 80-100 people. I wouldn't say I have worked my ass off, and I love what I do. The possibilities showed, and I grabbed them. 

This spring, in March 2018, I got published. My very own novel, published in a real book. I heard about a book publishing company who was about to release a collection of different novels, so I wrote one. In 90 minutes. 9 years after I sat in that cold kitchen, I got published.

So, my point is. Don't be afraid to set high goals. It doesn't mean you have to know the way, it just means that you have a clear picture of what it is you want. Life will give you opportunities to get there, you don't have to go looking for it and get frustrated because you don't know where to start.

If you have a destination, you will get there. It doesn't matter how or when. Just ease in to the fact, and keep wanting it badly enough. 

And most importantly, don't ever close your eyes to opportunities.

How to find true balance

Balance. We talk about balance in life. I even think I've written about it in this blog. But what is it?

It hit me a couple of weeks ago, that balance is extremely important, not just in how we choose to balance what we choose to do in life, but balance in the way we allow ourselves to lose balance sometimes.

It became clear to me that I've managed to find balance in many areas of my life. For example; I work really hard in periods, and then I chill some days. I workout 3-4 times a week, then I rest the other days. I eat very healthy during the week and allow myself to eat more and other stuff during the weekend. I meditate to keep my mood balanced, to not loose my temper and get stressed. I challenge myself in order to not stay in one place for too long. I see a psychologist in order to sort out my anxiety that I've been struggling with my entire life. I'm very outgoing in some settings, and in others, when I don't have to, I just enjoy being quiet and observe.

I'm really proud of my balanced lifestyle and my strong charachter. BUT; It has become such a routine for me to live this kind of life, that I can completely lose it sometimes if I realize that I've broken these patterns for some time.

Do you get where I'm going to? We need to see the bigger picture. The even bigger one than the bigger picture. We have to allow ourselves to deviate from our "normal behavior" in order to find real balance.

For example, I meditate every morning. When I for some reason don't do that for say 3-4 days, I get angry with myself for not doing it.
I don't eat bread on weekdays. If I for some reason long for a sandwich and eat one on a tuesday, I get angry with myself, for not following my "rules".

See? My life isn't balanced at all if I get upset with myself for not following my balanced life. 

I felt better just thinking about this. I think we all have some kind of rules that we follow in life, and we might get upset with our selves if we don't follow them. But don't. Because it really doesn't matter if your routine differs sometimes. And I'm not saying you should say fuck it to your routine, because it's really important to find routines that make you happy, healthy, motivated etc, but as long as you follow that for the most part, that's what's important!

So focus on what you do well, and don't spend any time thinking about or regretting why you did or didn't do something you weren't/were supposed to. Because today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can't get tomorrow back, so regret and self-loathing is a useless feeling. It's sadly a common feeling, but a completely useless one.

Find balance. Stay balanced. But be balanced enough to allow yourself to lose it sometimes too.

Who gets to decide what's right for you?

I think we all can relate to the thoughts of not feeling worthy sometimes in different aspects of life.

We can lack confidence in our selves and what we are capable of, and we don't think we're good enough, successful enough, beautiful enough,..and the list goes on.

Why is that? I believe it's because of all the unwritten rules of society. 

We are all unique, we all have our own different needs and wants. But, many of us share the same dreams and goals in life. Like finding a partner, starting a family, excel careerwise, living a healthy life etc. These goals have somehow managed to become "norms" in our society, and in some ways our society have also put "age/time limits" and "right and wrong labels" on these goals.

The important thing to always remember, is that even though we may share some goals in life, we are still very different individuals who walk on this earth;

-What is important in a partner for me, will not be the same things that are important in a partner for you. 

-Starting a family for one person might mean having just one baby or no babies because my partner in life is all I need and together we are a family. Staring a family for another person might mean having 4 babies, one dog and 2 rabbits.

-Exelling at work might mean becoming a successful CEO for one person, and excelling at work for someone else could mean keeping the fridge super clean at their stand at the local fishmarket.

-Living a healthy life can be working out 6 days a week and be a vegetarian, or it could just as well mean meditating once a day and try to drink more water. 

So even though we might share some goals, it doesn't mean that we all want it at the same time, or that we want the exact same things. That would be crazy! Thank God we are all different...right?

So, it's up to US to decide what is right for us. No one else knows what's best for you except you. But the problem is that the norms of our society is imprinted in our minds wether we like it or not. So the problematic lies in that many of us actually forget what we want and need and what's best for us, because we think we believe that the norms of society is what's right.

So, I think it's important to figure out what's right for us. Or what feels right.

-Who has the right to tell you that by the age for 35 you should have kids? You might not even want kids.

-Who has the right to tell you what successful is? Successful for you might mean just getting out of bed, and that's a small win every day.

-Who has the right to tell you that you have to study 4 years after high school? You might want to be a freelancing writer.

-Who has the right to tell you that if you are single by a certain age, you should be pitied? F**k that, you will stay single for as long as it takes, until you find the right person and don't settle for less.

You are worthy and absolutely good enough. If we always look for more (based on the unwritten rules) and think that what we are and have right now is not good enough, ask yourself: who is to decide this for me but me? 

My mantra is to always do everything in my power to become the best version of me based on what I want and what's right for me.

Because you can always work on improving yourself, for you and not for the sake of our society.

Pay it forward

I've been thinking about how we can practice "paying it forward" in order to feel happier in life.

We are so used to following certain patterns in life in order to be successful, and with financial and work related success comes happiness, right? Uh, no. I don't think so. Is for example money, a good title, material things, status cars, stressful days things that makes us happy? Or, could it be loving relationships, friendships, helping others, your health, being present, grateful and doing things for yourself things that makes us happy?

I was listening to a podcast the other day and a swedish man who is a very famous lecturer here, said that; I had all the things you are "supposed to" have; I was a millionaire, I had a beautiful woman by my side, I had fame, and I got recognized walking down the streets. And I have never been so miserable and unhappy.
Because those things were just a cover, and things he thought he needed in order to be happy and complete. But he never listened to his real needs.
He sums up his point by saying that if you ask anyone what really matters in life, everyone will say things like; my children, my husband/wife, my health, being with the people I love.

We are all different, and some of us will always care more about the status stuff and having a lot of money, and that's fine. Although, I really believe that all of us can practice "paying it forward" to feel better in life;

In relationships, love feeds on love. You have to give in order to receive love. Therefor, it's very important to pay the love forward and back as you receive it, and not get stuck in only receiving. Show, and be grateful for the love you receive, and give back, because by doing that you will never ever take love for granted. And when you give your spouse love, it will fill them up, and they will go about their days feeling good, and give positive energy to the people they meet.

Same thing goes with friendships, you have to be cautious and keep the friendship in the loving zone. Call or text one of your friends just and tell them what you appreciate about them, I promise you that it will make their day, AND it will make your day as well! Because when we give love, it comes back to us tenfold. Try it, because when you make them happy, they will be able to make others in their surroundings happy by paying their happiness forward.

When you take care of yourself and your health, I am not just talking about working out. Try meditating, light a candle and look at it for a few minutes just to be present, take a walk where you've never walked before to see new things for the first time, and pay your new experiences forward. Not by using social media and show followers that you are "present". Bring a friend on that walk, share what you see, meditate with someone or share the new realization you made with someone. Pay knowledge forward.

I think the ability to be humble is an important key in life. To be able to be proud and talk about ones accomplishments, but to never do it in a way that makes others feel bad. There's a fine line between egocentric bragging and to be proud with humbleness.
Talk about what you are proud of with the intent to inspire others, and pay it forward. Not in order to tell eberyone that you're the best.

When you're happy and content, share it. It's not like happiness only comes in a certain dose that you have to hold on to with dear life, it actually grows when you share it.

Share what you have. Pay it forward, and you will get it back tenfold or more. Trust me.

From the bottom of my heart; Thank You

On monday, october 16th, I took place in front of my colleagues at Mynewsdesk, and spoke openly and without shame, about my history of anxiety, depression and my many many panic attacks.

I only spoke for about 15-20 minutes, and afterwords, I got about 15 hugs from different coworkers, and so many "Thank you for sharing" comments. As I sat down at my computer, so many comments rolled in from co workers who had listened, who thanked me and who said that they recognize themselves in so many things, and that it's so important to speak up about these things because that shows others who also suffer that they are not alone.

I posted a status on LinkedIn, about my little speech, and that I spoke because I see a desperate need for something to change. The first step is to just talk about it, to show everyone else that it happened to me, it is still happening to me, and that I am a living proof that you can find ways to live with your anxiety and make your way out of the darkness.
My post on LinkedIn started trending and I am right now at 177 likes and 17 comments, most of these from people that I am not in contact with on LinkedIn. My post has reached over 12000 people and one comment just rolled in 5 minutes ago, so it's still reaching new people.

I am so beyond words. I am SO grateful to everyone who hit "like" and/or left a comment so that my post is shown to your group of contacts on LinkedIn.
I could never imagine that it would start spreading the way it did but I'm so happy about it, because that means that I am touching on a VERY important matter, that so many people can relate to.

I have talked about my anxiety in my blog, and I always open up completely when people come to talk to me, and I have never ever felt an ounce of shame. Ever.

I have heard people say that I'm brave when I'm opening up, and that I am strong because I talk about it so openly. I am extremely humble in what I'm about to write now, but I actually don't understand the part where I'm brave and strong, because to me, it's crystal clear and a a matter of course. I don't see myself as brave or strong, I see it as my obvious duty.

I have gotten the proof I need now in order to continue my own little journey to reach new people. I have dreamt about talking about this openly infront of new crowds for years, and I think it's about to really happen. I know that I am doing something big, because if I can reach out to just one person who can admit to him or herself that there's a negative stress present in their life, and start working on making a change, I have done plenty.

The first step to making a change is to become aware. And how to we become aware? By talking about it.

How my anxiety completes me

For a couple of months now, I have been working on myself a bit more than I usually do.
I have been speaking to someone, since I have felt the urge to take my development one step further.

For anyone who knows me and have read this blog, you know that I have from suffered panic attacks and dealt with anxiety. The fact is though, that it shouldn't say; "dealt with" it should say "is dealing with".

I have suffered from anxiety my entire life. From a very early age, I have been a worried soul. I feared that my family would leave me, I thought about death and the meaning of life, I feared losing loved ones and friends, and I have always suffered from this form of anxiety that comes out of the blue and you have absolutely no idea where it came from.

The thing that I learned when I was about 22, is that when someone is dealing with anxiety like mine, it always finds a way out, one way or another.
One period in my life, I feared death every single day. When that disappeared, I started doubting my existence. When I worked that away, my job gave me the worst anxiety, and when that past, I started seeing food as the enemy and the anxiety took its form in eating disorders.

See, I always wanted to feel like I could control my anxiety, and every time I felt it, I could just do something to make it go away. Like change jobs, eating less, workout more, travel...whatever.

But. My anxiety will always be a part of me.

I have been talking to so many people, about how I got past the panic attacks, and the fear of death and fear of public speaking and so on, and I DID. I am a strong person, I'm smart, talented, inspiring, hard working, a role model, a happy person with my feet on the ground. But, I will have to live with the anxiety and the way it  choses to take its form my entire life. I have some parts of me that I have been ashamed of, for real. But I have come to realise now that I can't be embarrassed of parts of me that are just that; parts of ME. Who would I be without my anxiety? Seriously. Nowadays, I'm kinda proud of it, because it gives me more depth.

When I tell people that I have been through extreme fear, suffered panic attacks and suffered by sickness due to stress, I usually get this: "I never thought YOU of all people had been though that, you are so stable", or something like that.
It took me some hard work and some true soul searching to get where I am today and I'm not nearly done.

I love inspiring people that you can change, that you can live a positive life and that you have the power to do things you thought you never could, because you can. But you can never completely erase something that is a part of you, a part of your DNA.

You should have goals in life, to make you move forward in all aspects; career, relationships, training, learning, traveling...

I have such goals to, but the most important goal for me will always be to get to know myself in such a way that it makes me understand other people better. I will have to mirror what I want to achieve from others. Open up when I have something that's weighing me down, to make other people in my life feel like they can open up to me. Listen to others, so that i will feel heard. Love others as hard as I can, so that they can love me back. Speak only good about others, so that others speak only good things about me.

I am me. No one else. I am me, with all my qualities and all my "darker sides". They're  parts of me that makes me complete. We have bright colors in this world, and we also have darker colors in this world. For a reason. We need them all, because that's the entire spectrum.

That's why my anxiety and my fears completes the circle, why they complete ME.
The parts of us that are the hardest ones to accept should't be our enemies, they should be our source of willpower. Willpower to work harder on our good qualities, in order for us to be better human beings. They will be there, but it's up to us how much control we let them have over us.